Tag: relationships

5 Tips for Conducting a Review

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How do you feel about reviews? You may have read the title to this post and thought, “I’ve never had a review before!” Or perhaps your thoughts were more along the lines of, “Reviews suck, and I am always blindsided by them.” Or maybe you thought, “I’ve never given a review before and it’s never been modeled for me.”

Reviews, well, they get mixed reviews (pun intended). Some people love them and others hate them. For some it fills them with dread and for others they long to finally have one. The reality is that reviews in and of themselves are neutral. It’s what we do with them that allow them to be positive or negative, both in how they are executed and in how they are received.

Today’s post is all about helping you think through how to give a productive review to your team member(s). And even if you don’t have a paid staff, you can use these insights to help you proactively walk with, encourage, shape, and disciple your volunteers and even your student leaders.

1. Reviews should never be a surprise nor should the content.

I don’t know how your reviews have gone but I’ve sat in several where something is shared that completely caught me off guard. Sometimes it was positive and sometimes it was negative. But when those moments happen it can often feel surprising, isolating, debilitating, and even make us doubt our calling and career.

Whatever you share should be things, goals, challenges, and feedback of which your teammate is already aware. Reviews aren’t an opportunity to dump some new critique or rebuke but instead an opportunity to facilitate growth, empower your people, highlight achievements, and help them develop their skills and ministry.

2. Review the year and set goals.

Another aspect of giving a review is doing exactly what it says: reviewing the past year or set time frame. When you take time to look back and review the year you can focus in on victories and celebratory moments, and you can highlight areas where growth is needed. It also allows you to think and dream about what the next year will hold, which gives you the structure for setting and implementing goals. Goals are a great way to provide focus, intentionality, and mission to the review and to help your teammate grow and excel in their position.

3. Allow the review to be relational.

I have sat in too many reviews that have felt clinical. It’s felt one sided and as if the reviewer didn’t even know me as an individual or ministry partner. That isn’t how a review should be. Yes, there are aspects of you being the supervisor and the person being reviewed an employee, but that shouldn’t remove the intentional relational component.

You should be a shepherd in your entire role and that includes when you review people. You should still seek to love and care for them, to understand and hear them, and to be for them. When you approach the review from a relational perspective you have helped both sides to flourish.

4. Communicate care and growth.

Part of giving a review is being honest: honest in what they have done well and honest in helping them to see growth areas. This isn’t always easy and it can feel kind of crappy at times, but if you truly care about your teammate you want to help them flourish and grow. So even as you identify growth areas, do it from a position of love and care. Don’t be accusatory or aggressive, instead highlight what you have seen, how you care for them, and a path to flourishing.

5. Pray for them.

This is a big piece that I’ve been incorporating into my reviews over recent years. When a review is relational and personal, seek to care for your teammate in a holistic way. Ask how they are doing, what has gone well for them over the past year in ministry and personally, ask what has been difficult, seek to understand how you can shepherd them better, and then ask how you can pray for them. Inviting them into the process and showing that you love and care about them makes this review much more relational and allows you to truly care for your people.

Quick Tip: Finding Community

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Last week we kicked off the Quick Tip series and we talked about the importance of community. But that very tip begs us to ask a follow up question: how do we find community? Or maybe we should be asking a second question of where do we find community?

Community is something that we were all created for by our communal God. The very fact that God is three in one shows us that He is not only designed for community but the epitome of community. He is the very definition of community and when He created humanity in Genesis, He created us for it as well.

With that being said, community can often be difficult for those of us in ministry. We are often surrounded by people, but ministers often feel the most unknown or unseen. Everyone knows us and considers us their friend, but it can often be difficult to find friends ourselves.

With that being said we must remember that without effective and meaningful community we cannot be effective in our calling. So how and where do we find community? Let me share six quick ways we can do this.

1. Participate in a small group at your church where you are not the leader and can just be yourself without expectations.

2. Join a cohort or coaching community.

3. Utilize Facebook groups and other social media networks to not only find online community but community that physically gathers together.

4. Build friendships with your neighbors.

5. Find local groups, organizations, and opportunities in your community.

6. Participate in a youth worker network.

What are some ways you’ve found community in your life and ministry?

Quick Tip: Building Community

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Today we are starting a new series that we will pick up intermittently throughout the year called “Quick Tips.” This series is designed to be a quick read with helpful truths and ideas to facilitate growth. While some of these tips may warrant longer posts, we wanted to offer a quick sound bite-style blog that gets helpful information into your hands quickly.

So with that said, and to save time (which is part of the point of these posts) here is this week’s Quick Tip: build community.

Community is vitally important for all of us. We were designed by God Himself to be oriented toward relationships and community. And when we lack community we will feel alone, isolated, unseen, unloved, and unappreciated.

Building community both inside and outside of the church allows you to know others and be known for more than just being the youth pastor. You’re being known as an individual and as someone who isn’t defined simply by their job or title.

Don’t let community fall by the wayside. Instead, make it a priority and watch how you continue to grow and flourish.

Making Graduation Season Special

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It’s here! The time of year when we commission our graduates, celebrate their achievements, shed some tears as they move on, and reflect on all the memories we have made together. But with these moments come multiple opportunities to invest in, encourage, and champion them as they move into the next phase of their life journey.

There are commencement ceremonies, parties galore, senior parades, and more. Depending on your context and the structure of your ministry, you may be invited to numerous gatherings and events, and that begs a question: how do you make these moments special? Depending on your context you may be invited to a graduation ceremony with multiple students but perhaps you don’t have a budget to get them all a gift. Or maybe you’re invited by a specific family to a graduation, so do you bring them a gift…but what about the other students you know who are graduating?

In order to make the most of this special season, I want to offer a few suggestions for you to consider that will allow you to bless all of your students in a meaningful and personal way. These will specifically be cost-sensitive and will focus on ideas and engagements that will have intentional impact.

Be intentionally relational.

This may sound like a no-brainer, but sometimes it can be hard to engage with people relationally. Maybe it’s a student who just never had anything nice to say. Perhaps it’s a parent who spread rumors about you or one you never met. Or maybe you’re just feeling wiped out from talking to everyone and what’s the big deal with not talking to that family, that parent, or that student?

These moments are opportunities for you to continue to show that your students matter and that you are in their corner. Yes, it may take more time and energy, and yes, you may need to humble yourself in these moments. But I can promise you that if you engage relationally during this season you will see wonderful results as your students continue to grow.

Bring a personalized card.

We have quite a few students graduate each year and it honestly would cost a lot of money if we got each of them a gift, even a small one. So our ministry does gifts for each graduate at our senior commissioning, but Elise and I write out a personal card for each of them that we decorate and make unique. Sharing some memories, writing a personal encouragement, sharing a specific prayer, or even just letting them know how you’ve seen them grow makes the letter intentional and personal instead of a standard card. When you can do something as personal as a handwritten card it shows your students how much they mean to you and how you have seen them grow during their time in your ministry.

Show up when invited.

Our church is a regional church which means we have four or more public high schools, three Christian schools, and cyber learning or homeschooled students represented in our program. Most of our area schools only give out a certain amount of graduation tickets to students, so we don’t always get to attend commencement ceremonies. But when we do, we show up and try to connect with all of our students and families who are present. The same goes for graduation parties. Sometimes we get invited and sometimes we don’t. But when we get the invitation we do our best to attend and connect with our student and their family. These are intentional moments and they communicate love and care for your students.

Don’t be rushed.

I don’t know about you but sometimes I can feel a little pressed for time. There are moments when rushing is appropriate, but in moments when you are connecting with and celebrating your graduates, you need to slow down and be present. That means don’t relegate yourself to only a short time frame. Instead keep your schedule open so you can spend the appropriate amount of time at each special moment.

Continue to be present.

Some of our students experience a fear of the unknown and a fear of leaving behind something they love. In releasing and commissioning our students, one of the things we can continue to do is be present for them. Let them know that you will still be around and that they can still reach out to you. There will be changes, like they are no longer in youth group, but let them know that your love and commitment to them will not change. Continue to follow up with them, grab coffee or visit with them, host a Bible study for graduates, connect them with your college ministry, and utilize other ways to connect during the summer months. These moments help students know that they still matter and that you, and your church, are for them.

Ways to Honor & Celebrate Your Seniors

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It’s May, and that means graduation season is coming soon! We have already started to receive graduation party invites, schools are sending out notices about commencement, and students are finishing exams and going on trips. Soon-to-be graduates are preparing for the next step in their journey as young adults.

For us this is always a bittersweet season. We see our students graduate and we are so incredibly proud of them, but it also tugs at the heartstrings as we prepare to say goodbye to them being in our ministries. This year is especially bittersweet for Elise and I as this graduating class is the class that started in our middle school program the year we started at our church.

We have watched these students grow in their faith, ask deep and meaningful questions, wrestle with practical application of what they believe, and navigate all the other complexities that come with middle school and high school. Couple that with our ever-evolving culture, figuring out a new normal post-pandemic, and the complexities of social media, and all of a sudden we realize just how much our students have walked through, overcome, and achieved.

This is an incredibly special moment for seniors and their families, so we as the church should take charge of moments like these to honor, recognize, and celebrate our people. Seniors have many people celebrating them whether it’s at graduation parties, school events, social settings, or cards in the mail. But when was the last time the church celebrated them in a meaningful way?

Many churches will bring graduates on stage and pray for them, but shouldn’t we be looking to up the ante? Can’t we do something more? This has become a passion of mine over my last decade in student ministry, and today I want to share some tips on how you can meaningfully celebrate your graduates and honor all that they have accomplished.

Create an intentional brochure.

Over the past few years we have revamped our senior brochure that we hand out to our congregation. It used to just be a picture of each graduate, what high school they graduated from, and where they were going to college. But in wanting to be intentional in how we honor our seniors, we took it a step further.

We asked them to share their favorite memories, what God has been teaching them, their intended major or focus, and how the church can pray for them. These questions helped to personalize the brochure and give our church ways to engage with students at a deeper, more personal and spiritual level.

Host a reception.

After our commissioning we have a reception with refreshments, gifts, encouragement for graduates and families, a photo booth, and a time for families to encourage and pray over their graduates. A reception doesn’t have to be over the top to be intentional. By simply providing a space and opportunity to celebrate and honor students, you are highlighting the importance of what they have accomplished as you care well for them.

We incorporate balloons, fun graduation plates and cups, refreshments, a table centerpiece, a photo booth, and a presentation. While this may sound like a lot, but many of these elements were made by our team or acquired over the years. It’s all about being creative and thoughtful and building upon each year.

Write them a letter.

In the last few years we have started writing a letter to our graduates that our student ministry team and senior pastor sign. These letters are intentionally thought out and highlight the ways our church is for our students and will continue to be for them. These letters can be from you personally, your student ministry, or even church leadership, and they are an opportunity for you to encourage your students and show them that the church is for them.

Provide a meaningful gift.

This was never something I experienced in high school, and it wasn’t until I had my first full time job in student ministry that I saw seniors receive a gift. I’ll admit, at that time we simply gave them a book, but that stirred in me a desire to be intentional with what we give our students.

A meaningful gift doesn’t have to be expensive or over the top; it does need to be thought out and purposeful though. Today, we give our students a gift bag filled with candy, glow sticks, a confetti popper, a book, a card from church staff, a letter from church leadership, and a few other small items. We want our students to know we thought about them when we put the gift together and that it is both meaningful and practical.

Share photos.

Whenever you honor your students, try to share photos of them to highlight them. These can be photos from when they were in youth group, family photos, their graduation photos, prom photos, or photos from trips and retreats. You could include throwback photos for a “trip down memory lane,” which some of your students may cringe at but all will chuckle at how much they have grown. However you choose to do this, make sure that you have all your students in the photos if at all possible.

Honor them at youth group.

Another way to honor and celebrate your seniors is to acknowledge them in front of your youth group. This could be sharing memories and stories about the students, it could be praying for them, giving them a gift, or having a cake for them to celebrate. Whatever it looks like at your youth group, make sure to celebrate and pray for them as they prepare for the next step in their faith journey.

Commission them.

Over the past five years, our family ministry team has been intentionally attempting to make our time celebrating our seniors more than just a celebration and more of a commissioning. We are sending our students out into the next part of their faith journey and as such we should commission them in the same way we commission and send out missionaries.

Take time to highlight where your students are going, what they are pursuing, and how the church can pray for them. If possible, I would encourage you to bring up family members, small group leaders, and church leaders to pray over your students. This helps to confirm to your students that you and the church will be for them as they head out.

Pray for them.

Praying for your graduates is one of the best things you can do. If you’re honoring them in front of the church, consider having your senior pastor, an elder, or multiple leaders pray over them as your church participates with them. Another way to pray for your students is asking them what their prayer requests are and sharing those requests with the church. This will allow for multiple people to pray for your students in intentional and personal ways.

5 Relationships Every Youth Worker Needs

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This week I was doing some reflecting and thinking about this question: what relationships do I have now that I wish younger Nick had, or had stepped into sooner? As I have been serving in ministry and getting to know myself better, I’ve realized that there are relationships I would have greatly benefited from if I had sought them out sooner.

Today, I want to share these relationships with you, and also to indicate that these relationships are not the only ones you need. They are simply some that I know would have benefited me sooner and hopefully will be a benefit to you as well.

1. A best friend.

I’m someone who typically has many acquaintances but only later in my adult life did I find the value of having closer friends and best friends. These are individuals that I can go to with anything and know they will hear me, challenge me, correct me, and be for me. These relationships are ones where I can grab a beer and have a casual conversation or sit down for hours to have deep and meaningful discussions. Having these relationships in your life will help you to truly be yourself and to feel loved, valued, and needed.

2. A mentor.

Having a good mentor in your life is a relationship that will hopefully ensure growth, development, and maturity. Ideally this person has more lived experience, and ministry experience, that they can utilize in your relationship. When someone is watching out for you and speaking truth into your life and ministry, it is an amazing opportunity for you to learn and flourish. These are individuals who are for you but also willing to offer correction and guidance as needed. If I had more of this when I first started out in ministry I would have had a lot less missteps and instead had more opportunities to grow and minister well.

3. A counselor.

Everyone should have a counselor regardless of how “okay” we may think we are. Having someone who is safe, trained, and licensed, who you can go to and be honest and raw with, is a necessity. It allows you to release well, process different relationships, emotions, and circumstances, and also provides you with the help you need whether you’re aware of it or not in the moment. These are the people that help you through the difficult moments, who allow you to process, and give you constructive and necessary paths to run on.

4. A peer.

This is a little different than a best friend or mentor, though they can at times be one and the same. But what I’m suggesting is finding a fellow youth worker(s) who you can share life with, talk shop with, and bounce ideas off of. This a great opportunity to share resources and insights, and it also allows for you to have someone in your life who understands what you’re walking through. It’s a friendly voice of a compatriot who is in your corner.

5. A chiropractor.

This one may make you chuckle, but please hear me out. As a young person I didn’t think I needed this relationship, but during 2020 and working at home, my back said otherwise. Getting to know our amazing chiropractor during that time was fantastic and so beneficial. But what I came to realize is that being proactive rather than reactive with your health is hugely important.

Instead of coming back from a retreat and popping a couple of Advils and pressing on, having your chiropractor truly take care of your back, neck, and hips is a necessary relationship. I see my chiropractor once a month and then at least twice a month when trips happen. These visits truly help my body to prepare and repair after busy seasons, trips, stressful work weeks, and just the everyday moments.

What relationship would you tell your younger self is a necessity?

How to Walk with Students Who Are Grieving

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The loss of a family member. A relationship that crumbled. Mom and dad getting divorced. Making a big mistake.

Students grieve for a variety of reasons like we all do. But there’s something that pulls at our innermost being when we watch a student navigate pain and sorrow. We empathize and sympathize with them, feel their pain and grieve alongside of them. We want to fight for them, to right all the wrongs, and to wrap our beloved students in bubble wrap to protect them from all the harm and pain of this world.

While those emotions and responses of empathy and sympathy are valid and necessary, we must also think practically about how we can love, care for, and walk with our students as they navigate pain.

Involve trusted leaders.

This is something that I have found to be incredibly necessary and helpful in caring for students. Often I don’t get to be involved in our small groups due to how our ministry is structured and organized, so our small group leaders are the ones who consistently walk through life with our students. To bring them into what is happening and equip them to love, care, and engage with their students allows for multiple levels of care for our students and highlights inter-generational, discipleship-oriented relationships.

Reach out to them personally.

When appropriate, reaching out personally to students who are hurting is incredibly important because it shows them that they are seen and that you care. This can be through a text, a phone call, a visit, or taking them out to talk. This looks different depending on the circumstance and what is happening, but making that personal connection is key.

Connect with parents/guardians when warranted.

This is something that may get missed depending on the circumstance the student is going through. Of course we all know that there are specific moments when we have to include parents, but do we think about connecting with parents when students are mourning a broken relationship, a failed class, or when a student messes up?

I know the tension that can exist in the sense of not breaking a student’s confidence, but if the situation is affecting the student in profound ways then appropriately involving parents is warranted and needed. So consider bringing in parents so they can understand, love, and walk with their students. Make sure you highlight some suggestions on how to do so as you provide insight and understanding for them.

Bless them with a note and/or a gift.

When possible and appropriate, sending flowers, a note, a gift card, or groceries can be wonderful ways of helping students feel seen, understood, and cared for. These tangible metrics help students know that they matter and that you care. While I wouldn’t suggest this as the only option of care, when coupled with personal connection and relationships these opportunities will truly help our students move through the difficult moments they are facing.

Take them out.

This is something I do and encourage my leaders to do when appropriate. Meeting up for a cup of coffee, at a diner, or a local donut shop to simply sit and listen does so much for a student because you’re showing them that an adult loves and cares for them. By providing a safe place and a snack or meal, it removes pressures and expectations and allows for students to lower their walls and be honest about their hurt and grief. It’s often in moments like this when students share honestly and authentically which provides us with an opportunity to love and care well for them.

Sit and listen.

This is a huge part of what we should be doing throughout any of the above points. Sitting and listening is key to understanding what students are feeling and going through, and showing them that they are valued and heard. It also allows you to understand the situation and how best to respond. When we listen well and engage in those moments we are showing the student that they matter and we are validating who they are and what they are feeling. Don’t listen just to “fix the circumstance,” listen to understand, empathize, sympathize, and walk with your students.

Be available.

Hurt, pain, and grief don’t happen on a schedule or when it’s convenient. They happen sporadically and spontaneously as life happens. That means often times these moments will not occur when it is not beneficial or timely for us, but we must be prepared and willing to be available.

I’ve had countless moments when tragedy has hit a student or their family, and I need to able to be present and available in as much as I am able. Sometimes that means showing up at their home when they’ve lost a family member, making a phone call when driving to an appointment, or texting a prayer and Scripture to them. Regardless of what availability looks like in the moment, being able to respond and engage well is key.

Refer out when necessary.

This is something I wish I had been taught in school and earlier in ministry. Here’s the thing: most pastors and ministry leaders are not counselors, psychologists, or experts in every field. That means we should not try to act like we are nor should we try to give answers and advice that we aren’t equipped to give.

Instead, we need to build a network of trusted and skilled people in various roles who can help love, care for, and support our students. That means being able to refer to trusted counselors, medical personnel, case workers, police, and crisis intervention specialists. This isn’t saying you aren’t good at your job or doing all you can, but to truly do well at ministering to students we need to provide them with the best overall support which means utilizing the best people we can to help do just that.

Responding to Hurt

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A cutting word. A passive aggressive email. A critique on your teaching. A dig by a supervisor. An angry parent’s accusations.

Hurt happens. There’s no escaping that reality. Whether you work in a ministry or elsewhere, volunteer in some capacity, or simply are around other people, hurt will occur. We are flawed people and in our brokenness we will both experience hurt and hurt others. This probably isn’t the post you were hoping to read, especially if you were looking for an uplifting and encouraging “rah rah” type of post.

But can we simply pause for a moment and understand that this is something we all need to be attentive to because we all experience hurt? This may not be the post you wanted but I would assert this is one we all need. We need to be honest and recognize the realities we face and even if we aren’t in that situation presently, we must be prepared for when it occurs. If we fail to plan accordingly, those difficult moments will steamroll us and we will be in even more dire straits.

So let me ask you a question: how do you respond to hurt? Are your responses healthy and beneficial, or are they unhelpful and potentially problematic? Today, I’d like to share some tips on how to effectively engage in healthy ways that will help you grow, interact, and process those moments well.

Allow yourself to feel the hurt.

This point may have you scratching your head, but stick with me for a moment. It’s easy to push hurt down, to pretend it doesn’t affect us, or to try to compartmentalize things. How many times have you uttered something like, “I’m fine” or “It’s not a big deal”? How many times have you tried to convince yourself that the hurt doesn’t matter?

Doing this isn’t healthy or beneficial. It allows hurt to stick around and grow into resentment. It leads to a critical worldview and perception of the church and other people. It hurts our mental health. It can cause us to be withdrawn and disengaged. Instead, allowing ourselves to feel the hurt helps us to actually engage with the issue, process our emotions, and recognize the complexities and realities of our careers and lives.

Process by yourself and with others.

Taking time process, evaluate, and respond to hurt is important for each of us. Each of us processes in our own ways, but we need to identify if those ways are healthy for us or not. Healthy processing doesn’t mean dismissing the pain or hurt, nor does it mean allowing the pain to be all that we feel. Healthy processing allows us to identify the hurt, feel the hurt, and navigate toward healing and reconciliation.

But it’s often in moments of hurt that our processing can be clouded, especially if we feel wronged or targeted. That’s where processing with trusted individuals is a necessity. I would challenge you to go to people who will empathize with you but also ones who will speak truth. It’s easy to want to only go to people who will affirm our perspectives and tell us we are right. The important thing is to go to people who will love you and challenge you, especially if you’re in the wrong. Those are the people we desperately need because they will help us address things appropriately and give guidance that is necessary.

Seek closure.

Closure can mean different things depending on the situation. It may mean seeking out reconciliation even when the other person may not embrace it. Closure may mean letting the passive aggressive comment go. It may mean having a direct conversation with the other individual and potentially bringing in a mediator. Closure may mean forgiving someone in spite of their unwillingness to extend an apology.

Closure looks different for each of us and depends on the circumstance. But if we allow for the wounds and hurt to remain open and festering, we are opening ourselves up to more pain and hurt in the long run. Whatever the closure is for each scenario, we must be intentional in seeking it out.

Speak truth.

This is something that individually we must do but we also need to hear this from others. Words cut deep. Sometimes more than actions. If we believe those words that aren’t true, we are believing a lie. Instead of allowing them to cut to our core, speak truth and affirm what is true. But when you aren’t able, and there will be times you cannot, allow others to be that voice for you. Go to trusted people, let them encourage you, and allow them to be the rock you need.

Pray.

Prayer is always something we know we must do, but is a rhythm that can become passive in how we engage it. Prayer is a powerful resource and one we should actively be engaging in. Taking time to pray and ask God for wisdom is essential. We should ask God for a sensitivity in understanding why things happened and the other person’s perspective.

Praying for conviction (for all parties, including ourselves), for direction, for empathy and sympathy, for perspective, and for an appropriate response is key. Going before a God who understands with a humble heart that’s willing to grow and be challenged will allow us to better engage in these difficult moments.

5 Healthy Ways to Engage with Conflict

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Have you ever found yourself in the midst of an unavoidable conflict? Have you felt the tensions rise, the frustrations grow, and your spirit become overwhelmed?

Perhaps you have had conflict with your supervisors. Maybe you and a certain elder(s) don’t see eye to eye. It could be a volunteer that disagrees with the direction of your program. Maybe there’s tension between you and a couple of parents.

Even suggesting these scenarios may have triggered various emotions, thoughts, and tensions. I get it. I’ve been there. I’ve had all of these scenarios and more play out during my time in ministry, and honestly in all of my career journeys. The truth of the matter is conflict is unavoidable. It exists and it will always find ways to manifest in our lives as a result of the fall.

We have to understand that because we are broken people living in a fallen world, conflict will always find a way into our lives. The question though is not how do we avoid conflict, it’s how do we engage it well? If conflict is going to be a reality we must deal with, what are some steps and applications we can utilize to walk through it in a healthy way?

1. Actively seek to grow and mature.

Before the conflict begins, during the conflict, and after it is over, you should be looking to grow and mature. This isn’t in just one area but in all aspects. We should focus on relational, spiritual, educational, and mental maturity and seeking to grow as followers of Christ.

2. See the best in others and their intentions.

This can be difficult at times and we immediately want to say, “But you don’t know them or the context!” Yes, there are individuals and circumstances that are problematic and can have intentions that are anything but healthy and Christ-like. But that shouldn’t keep us from attempting to see the best in the people, organizations, and circumstances.

3. Engage with spiritual rhythms.

I was recently challenged to fast while preparing for an upcoming meeting that could have far reaching implications for our church. While I engaged with this rhythm, I began to see the way I prayed and focused on God changed and grew. My heart and mind truly shifted their focus and I began to have a greater sense of where God was guiding the upcoming conversation and direction for our church.

If we approach upcoming conversations that may have the potential to be difficult with our hearts and minds being centered on Christ, we will better be prepared for those moments and will be better suited to respond from a Christ-centered heart.

4. Cover the conflict in prayer.

I think when it comes to conflicts, we engage with prayer in specific ways. We pray going into it because we’re anxious and frustrated. We may pray during it because tensions are high. And periodically we may pray after the conflict is done because we’re thankful it’s over or frustrated it didn’t go our way. But prayer isn’t meant to be an afterthought or something we only do in the moments of tension or angst. It is something we should be doing constantly.

This means that prior to any conflict even starting, we should be praying for a Christ-like attitude and heart so we can approach those moments as He would. We need to be praying for the people involved and for God to work in everyone’s life. We should not be praying for our preferred outcome, but for God to do what needs to be done. When we engage in conflict from a Christ-centered mindset we are reshaping how we see ourselves, others, and the tension at hand. In essence, we are engaging in spiritual growth as we walk through these moments by allowing God to work in and through us as we approach Him through prayer.

5. Reflect on your own heart and motivations.

This is perhaps one of the hardest things to do in these situations. It is often in moments of conflict that we want to run with our emotions and desires. It’s when we want to prove we are right. It is when we desire to validate what we have been feeling and fight for our position. I get it, I really do.

Of course we want to hold to our convictions and validate our position. But have you ever stopped to ask why? Why is it so important to be right? Have you paused to consider what would happen if you didn’t have to win? What if you just listened and sought to understand? By taking the time to reflect on your own motivations and where your heart is, it allows you to take a spiritual checkup of your life and to assess your reasons for how you progress and it guides the steps you need to take.

Bonus tip: Go to trusted advisors and mentors for insight.

Often times it is easy to go to friends and peers who empathize with you and will tell you you’re in the right and support you no matter what. But in order to engage in a healthy way, it is beneficial to have someone you trust who will speak truth to you because they will lovingly tell you if you have messed up. This is a must to engage conflict from a healthy perspective because we may not always see our missteps due to our own blind spots.

The Importance of Community

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Elise and I recently had a conversation that went something like this:
“I got invited to another church’s women’s group.”
“Oh wow. Do you want to join it?”
“I don’t think so, but I do feel like I’m missing out on community.”
“What do you mean?”
“Ever since I stopped going to the women’s group due to my job, I don’t feel like I’ve been getting to know people and build relationships at our church.”

If I’m being completely honest, I’m missing the community piece as well. Elise was the catalyst that helped me to see how we have pulled inward the past couple of years. It isn’t that we don’t like or value community, we just became comfortable and content coming home and being with one another. But we understand and believe that life isn’t meant to be done alone or in isolation, it just took us some time to fully get to this place.

For us, there are a lot of reasons we didn’t jump into a group after joining our current church. We had been hurt by past groups and were walking through the trauma that came with it. We have been in poorly-run groups that have broken trust and private conversations. It’s difficult being a church leader in a group that expects you to always have that hat on. Forced accountability left a sour taste in our mouths. And aggressive group leaders and predetermined/pre-established group dynamics left us feeling isolated and deflated.

Have you ever felt this way? Have you ever engaged in community that felt broken, forced, or inauthentic? Have you ever been hurt or burned by a group before? Do you feel like you always have to be “on” and can never truly be yourself in a group?

If so, this post is for you, and for us. We know that this can be difficult, scary, and vulnerable but we also know that we were created for this and it is something Jesus desired for all of His followers. I mean, His group of disciples highlight the uniqueness of bringing together very different individuals but also how those groups don’t need to splinter and die, but instead can thrive and grow. Today, we want to offer you some parameters and guidance for how to engage in community and in groups in a healthy way for everyone involved.

Set parameters and expectations.

This would be something I’d encourage the group as a whole to work through together. Some base things to talk about would be thinking through what the group will be about, the commitments of each person, who will be doing what, and creating a safe space for all involved. The additional parameters will be unique to each group and can be tweaked as needed.

Commit to the group being a safe place.

As mentioned in the previous point, a safe place in community is highly important. Many of us have been hurt by being involved in unsafe groups, so creating a place where everyone can know that what they share is going to be honored, respected, and not shared is key.

If you’re a church staff member you know the complexities this may involve, but having a group that lovingly cares for and supports one another should allow for every person to be authentic and honest with no fear of that being gossiped about. However, I would caution that it is key to not allow any one person or persons to just openly complain or speak poorly of someone else. Part of being a safe place involves the group holding one another accountable and lovingly challenging each other.

Agree that everyone is a contributor and every voice matters.

Some of us have probably experienced groups where we know that not everyone’s voice carries the same weight or respect. In those moments, it is easy for the people with the “lesser” voice to feel isolated, disconnected, and uncared for. And if we are being honest, it’s not just that they feel that way, it is also the truth. That means that if you are creating a space of authentic community, you must agree that everyone has a voice, that everyone contributes, and that no one voice is greater than the other.

If possible, choose your group.

I am not saying pull together only people who think and believe how you do. Nor should this be a place where you just gather people who all have the same bent or frustrations so you can complain and gossip. What we are arguing for is finding people that will help one another grow in being more like Jesus, people who love one another, and people who will lovingly challenge you and speak truth.

Be flexible and willing to adapt.

This is a big thing that a lot of groups and communities aren’t willing to do. They hold to what they have always done because it works or they are trying to make it work. Don’t believe me? Ask yourself this question: when was the last time you made a big change in your youth group? Or maybe ask this question: what has kept you from making the necessary and needed changes? I’m not trying to make you feel bad, but instead trying help all of see that we are creatures of habit and comfort. We typically don’t change or adapt unless we absolutely have to.

I want to encourage you to be willing to bend a little and to change when needed. If your community group has to change nights, change them. If your group is evolving and new people are coming in, take time to walk your whole group through the basics again. If you need to rethink how your group is functioning and what is best for the group, do it. Don’t wait until things are broken, be proactive and engage where you need to.

Make sure to have clear channels of communication.

This is a big one. I mean think about this for a moment: what was your open rate for the last group email you sent to any group? I know that the majority of my volunteers don’t open my emails until the day-of, or maybe not at all. The same is true for all of us. We are inundated with emails and some people may not look at them or open them.

What you should do for your community is find out which method(s) of communication is the best. That may mean more than one, which is okay, but be willing to ask that question to ensure everyone is on the same page and getting all the communication. Also, should a new person join, make sure to include them even if that means starting a new texting group. Don’t just send them a separate communique, because that will feel alienating and unhealthy.

Establish a point person and facilitator.

The point person is just the one who handles communications, logistics, and communicating with church leadership (if and when that’s required). Their job is just to make sure everyone is on the same page and knows what is happening and when.

The facilitator can look different for each group. It could be the teacher or the leader or the discussion starter, or it could simply be the point person to leadership. They don’t have to be one and the same, but they can be. It is important to establish both of these roles so there is clarity and not too many hands in the pie. That way you will know who is communicating to leadership and who is teaching.

The teaching role can vary, and in some ways it should, between members of the group to give everyone equal opportunity and value. The point person can change but that isn’t something I’d recommend to do frequently as it could get frustrating for church leadership. Should that person change, make sure leadership is aware and knows why.