Anyone who has worked in student ministry knows that there are moments that tug at your heart in a variety of ways. Some of them may be happy like when a middle school student lets loose with an unfiltered comment that we know we shouldn’t laugh at, so we turn to the side so they don’t see us. But many of them can also be difficult and taxing.
Perhaps you’ve heard something like this:
A student tells you about their struggles and your heart breaks for them.
A student shares about how they’re being bullied online and you cry with them.
Some of your students seemingly turn their backs on Jesus.
Students who have been hyper-involved in your program have now become critical of it.
Perhaps you have students who continue to rebel and cause disruption no matter how hard you’ve tried to reach them.
A student criticizes, mocks, belittles, screams, or curses at you.
Maybe a student has told you that you’re a failure or that they pay your salary.
Do any of these sound similar to something you’ve heard from a student? All of these things have one thing in common: they pull at our hearts and cause our emotions to rise.
It doesn’t necessarily even need to be something they said; it could have been something they did or didn’t do. Like when students just don’t seem to get the importance of the Gospel. Or when they turn their back on their faith. Or maybe when they stop coming to youth group.
All of these things are deeply felt and they cause a litany of feelings deep within our hearts and souls. And if you’re like me, the propensity to respond in those moments with all of those feelings resonating within us is extremely high.
Early on in my ministry career I can remember multiple times where I would respond and the tension within me was clearly evident. I never yelled or belittled anyone, but the stress and tension were clearly evident in how I engaged.
As I matured and grew in my faith and career—and thanks to the help of seasoned and mature ministry leaders who walked with me—I realized that those types of responses were rarely (I’d say almost never) helpful or beneficial. In fact, I am sad to say that looking back, students put up walls and disconnected. Instead of responding in kind, we need to respond with grace and tenderness in the same manner that Jesus did.
Rarely do you see Jesus offer a harsh word toward His disciples. More often than not, those words were saved for the hypocritical religious leaders who tried to entrap Jesus. Instead, He allowed His disciples to make mistakes, say stupid things, act in ways an immature person would, and continue to fail. And what Jesus did in those moments was lovingly pick them up, care for them, speak truth, and encourage them to be who He knew they could be.
Jesus’ model here is one we must take to heart and that means we need to continually allow the Holy Spirit to shape and form our hearts so they become more like Him. Now, what does that mean in the moments when our hearts and minds are being tested by students?
First, breathe. Catch your breath and pause. A helpful way I think through this is to simply pause and breathe deeply while counting to five. There’s no mythical reason for it, but I find pausing for five seconds and breathing helps to calm me down and quiet my emotional response.
Second, pray. This doesn’t have to be out loud, and definitely shouldn’t be out loud if it’s directed at a student. But pause and quiet your heart and ask God to guide you in how you respond and what you say. You’re handing off an emotional response to a guided and tempered response empowered by the Holy Spirit working through you.
Third, create distance before you respond. If possible, don’t respond in the moment. That may not be possible but if you can, take time to process and think critically before you respond to what was said.
Depending on the circumstances, you could let the student know you need time to think and then you can respond. Other times may necessitate a response, but be willing to say you also want time to think and will give a more detailed response at a later time.
Fourth, talk to a trusted confidante or mentor. Regardless of the initial conversation or interaction with a student, it is helpful to get insight and guidance from a confidante or mentor who has been there and done that. These individuals can offer wisdom and discernment and help you respond well and with insight you may not have had previously.
Fifth, respond with love, grace, and truth. Regardless of when the response happens, it’s important that we model Jesus in our responses. It isn’t always easy, but it is the best way.
It will help students to see you as a safe and loving leader, but it will also challenge them to think through their actions and words. That may not happen in the moment and it may take years in fact, but students will remember leaders who love and care for them well.
I do want to include this: I am not saying a strong word is never needed. Nor am I saying that you need to be a punching bag for students or any other individual. I am saying that we need to guard our actions and thoughts, and to respond in a way that mirrors Jesus to our students. Because, they are students after all, and their prefrontal cortex is not developed so they will say and do dumb and hurtful things.
We simply are to love, challenge, and lead them in the way that Jesus led His disciples and leads us. How we respond to students in challenging or difficult moments is extremely important and something we need to make sure we are handling well.
