Tag: parents

Book Review: She Deserves Better

Posted on by Leave a comment

I’m back and reviewing another highly-recommended book by the team that brought us The Great Sex Rescue. As a regular listener to Sheila Wray Gregoire’s Bare Marriage podcast, and a survivor of growing up in purity culture, I was so excited to hear about–and get my hands on–her team’s new book, She Deserves Better: Raising Girls to Resist Toxic Teachings on Sex, Self & Speaking Up (written by Sheila, Rebecca Gregoire Lindenbach, and Joanna Sawatsky). And once I did, I was not disappointed.

Since this blog is dedicated to youth ministry and those serving within that context, let me start by saying up front, you need to read this book regardless of your gender, role within the church, or parental status. Yes, it is written in a format for mothers to read and discuss with their daughters. However, if you work with young people in any context, you need to take time to read, think through, and reckon with the topics discussed in She Deserves Better. Unfortunately, certain harmful messages and teachings have been accepted as Bible fact, and been propagated through the church for decades, and it’s time for that to end.

In She Deserves Better, the authors deal with topics surrounding girls’ faith, well-being and self esteem, emotional health, respect and boundaries, dating and identifying of toxic relationship traits, sex education and consent, and existing as a person who is allowed to take up space. Within each chapter they unpack harmful teachings from a biblical, evidenced-based perspective with scientific facts, personal stories, and examples from their surveys of thousands of women. And they particularly focus on church-based contexts, which most often involve youth group experiences.

Undoubtedly, there will be parts of this book that make some readers uncomfortable. If you’ve been drinking purity culture Kool-Aid all your life, some of these conversations may make you cringe, or make you feel like purity culture and its teachings are being attacked. But here’s the thing, if we begin to uncover things that are proven to be systemically harmful to others, we have a responsibility to do something about it. That may include painful introspection as we think about the messages we’ve preached. It may include dealing with how we have treated or silenced others along the way. And for some, it may include unlearning teachings that have been ingrained in us since birth.

Some of us could easily sit back and say, “purity culture didn’t directly harm me,” or “I thought this was biblical,” or worse yet, claim we didn’t know better and therefore are excused. But these things are no longer an excuse to continue down a destructive road or turn a blind eye to it. We should know better, we do know better, and now it’s time to do better, both for the next generation, but also the countless women who need help deconstructing layers of shame, assault, and toxic teachings. She Deserves Better starts us down the road to do just that. 

If you are a parent, I encourage you to invest in this book and use it to have conversations with your children (girls and boys, because heaven knows we need to raise up men who know how to treat women). If you are a pastor, youth pastor, or lay leader, please invest in this book, not just to share with parents, though that is strongly encouraged, but also to help educate yourself. If you are leading parents and students in any capacity, these topics will come up. The best thing you can do is educate yourself so that you can handle them correctly and well.

If you aren’t a parent or a “youth person,” but you came out of purity culture scarred and broken, I would also encourage you to give the gift of this book to yourself. Let yourself unpack the baggage, begin to heal the wounds, reteach your younger self, and move forward with freedom in Christ. Many of the issues unpacked in She Deserves Better boil down to mistreatment of women within church culture. And if that has been your experience, I am so deeply sorry and I carry that pain with you. You didn’t deserve it, and you don’t deserve it now. As the book states, you deserve better.

May we have the courage to collectively work to build a better world for girls and women, with the church leading the way. This book is just one step on that journey, but it is a big step, and I invite you to take it with us.

The Passage Ceremony: Celebrating Students’ Milestones

Posted on by Leave a comment

Students have a lot of big milestones in their lives. There’s graduation from pre-k, kindergarten, and junior high. There’s turning 16. Becoming an Eagle Scout. Getting their license. Going to prom. Turning 18. Graduation from high school. And many more celebratory moments.

The sad truth is many of these milestones aren’t celebrated or honored for a variety of reasons. People are busy, so family and friends can’t always make it. There are conflicting schedules and events; people don’t always want to go to ceremonies because of the time commitment. And because there are so many moments in students’ lives, it is easy to assume you can skip one and simply show up at another.

The truth is these moments in students’ lives are pivotal and quite important in how they mentally develop and grow, the shaping of their identity, and their understanding of the Gospel. If these milestones are so important, let me pose a question: when was the last time your church celebrated these moments in the lives of your students? I don’t ask this question to shame or make us feel bad, but instead to push us to do some self-reflection. If I’m being honest, until moving to our current church, I never really considered these moments and didn’t do anything to celebrate them other than going to graduation parties.

But is that the best and only option? Or is there something more that we can be doing? The more I’ve thought about the ways we honor, celebrate, commission, and challenge our students, the more I want to share with you something that we have refined and honed over the past six years in order to do just that: The Passage Ceremony. I know, the name needs work, but let me highlight what this is and how we utilize this ceremony to honor and challenge our students. This isn’t a one size fits all approach, but instead is a resource you can adapt and leverage in your ministry setting and refine to make it beneficial for your context.

The Passage Ceremony.

In the course of middle school and high school ministry there are many key milestones that can and should be celebrated. We have chosen three aspects to focus on: transitioning into 6th grade (or middle school), transitioning into 9th grade, and high school graduation. The reason we chose to focus on these moments is because they are shared among students holistically. Not all students go to prom, not all students do extracurricular activities, not all students get their license at the same time. These three moments typically hit the majority of students and allow for the greatest impact. Therefore, the Passage Ceremony centers around these three “rites of passage.”

Our Passage Ceremony has a few key aspects to it. Here is what they include:

1. Food and community. We make sure to provide a lunch for the families who are coming to the ceremony and we utilize round tables to facilitate conversation and community. We also bring in our volunteer leaders to connect them with our students and families.

2. Explanation of the ceremony. We have someone stand up during the meal time to talk to families about why we are hosting the ceremony, what it is for, and to share our commitment to students and families.

3. Intentional time for parents to speak into the lives of students. We know families are busy and life gets crazy, so we carve out 30 minutes for parents and guardians to speak into the lives of their students. We provide some guidance for what this looks like but have found that parents typically come prepared and actually would desire more time because of how impactful it is.

4. Honoring of students. When families come back from their time of encouragement, we host the formal part of the ceremony. We call up students individually according to their grades and give them a gift. Before we call them up, we explain why we are doing this and the symbolism to our ceremony. It is a time of encouragement, celebration, and intentional discipleship.

We take time in the months leading up to The Passage Ceremony to communicate with families what we are doing and what we are asking of them. At the end of this post, I’ve included that letter for you to utilize if you would like.

How to utilize celebratory moments.

In the letter below, you will see some of the order and flow for this ceremony. Additional things we provide include a light luncheon, facilitating the ceremony, and having a time of celebration and recognition at the end. Here are some key things to highlight in celebratory moments:

1. Make sure to recognize key people. This could include parents, students, volunteer leaders, ministry leaders, and others. Recognizing and pointing to them helps to highlight the focus and who the event is for.

2. Have a good facilitator and communicator. When you are honoring students it is important to have someone who can speak truth and encouragement into their lives with intentionality. You don’t want someone who doesn’t know them or stumbles over what to say because that doesn’t communicate value and worth. But having someone who does communicate well helps your students know they are loved and have a place to call home.

3. Make the environment celebratory. This could be as simple as having food and music, or you could decorate your space with balloons and centerpieces, or you could provide gifts. Whatever you choose make sure to be intentional and seek to create an atmosphere that celebrates your students.

4. Connect them with their leaders. Bringing your leaders into these moments is key because it values them, connects them to their students, and introduces them to parents.

5. Pray over your students. Let them know that they are loved and seen, and that they matter to you and to God. So pray for them and be in their corner.

Letter to Families:

As I have served in student ministries, I have seen a strong desire in parents to lead and guide their children as disciples, but the big question has always been “how?” The Passage Ceremony is one way for us to offer guidance to you and your students by giving you time and space to have needed conversations and by allowing us to support one another in this ongoing discipleship process. Parents, church leadership, and volunteer leaders will be part of this ceremony to signify the student’s desire to live as a disciple of Jesus.

Ceremonies are not a regular part of our culture, but with purpose and direction they can have a powerful impact on the discipleship journey of students. The Passage Ceremony is designed for you, as parents or a significant person in a student’s life, to have the opportunity to personally and privately give spiritual guidance and discipleship to them. The spiritual guidance should focus on:

  1. Affirming your commitment to being faithful parents and supporters of your student(s);
  2. Presenting or reviewing clear and specific guidance and evaluation of your student(s) as they continue to live as disciples of Jesus who are sent to build the kingdom of God.

Our vision for this ceremony is threefold:

  1. To affirm God’s design for parents and supporters as the main disciple-maker of their children;
  2. To affirm our commitment to you as a church and specifically as a student ministry to walk and partner with you in this discipleship process;
  3. To provide a meaningful opportunity for you to partner with the church to mark this significant milestone in their life together and commission them to continue to live as a disciple of Jesus.

Ceremonies typically have a symbol attached to them. We request that you supply a special Bible to use as the symbol of this ceremony. In the past families have purchased a new study Bible or use a special Bible they already have. The NIV Bible is highly suggested since it is the translation we most often use at church. Feel free to supply whatever size or color you would like.

We highly recommend that you use the inside cover to write a special note of vision and blessing to your student. Please drop off your signed Bible to the Receptionist’s Office to allow time for our staff to write in it as well. This Bible will be presented to your student(s) at the ceremony. Should you need any assistance in finding or purchasing a Bible, please contact our team and we will do all we can to assist you.

We will also provide time and space for you as parents to speak encouragement, affirmation, and Biblical truth into the life of your student. I would encourage you to think through this ahead of time so you can share this with them on Sunday. You could share why you are proud of them, what you are looking forward to experiencing with them, your desire to walk with them through this next phase of life, the truth of what you have seen God do in their lives, a life verse that you chose for them and why you chose it, and your prayer for them going forward.

Communication with Parents: 5 Things to Think About

Posted on by Leave a comment

When it comes to communication with parents, every ministry has their own way of doing it. Some utilize social media, others use email providers. Some ministries may print out yearly calendars. And still others may manage their own websites or incorporate texting services.

Regardless of the means of communication, we must realize the importance of it. Communication with parents is paramount to helping our ministry succeed and in helping parents in disciple their students. Communication isn’t just about getting information out; it is also about helping to equip, empower, and shepherd parents as they love and guide their students.

In this post, I want to highlight aspects of communication that we should be considering as we seek to disseminate information and help to support and guide the parents of our students. I don’t want to say “this is how you must communicate” because how each ministry does this is unique based upon a litany of circumstances. Instead, I want to help us to think critically about the how and why of communication so as to best utilize the resources at our disposal.

How often should you communicate?

We may think the more information we send the better because it allows everyone to know what is going on. But sending emails, texts, or other communications haphazardly can actually be problematic. Getting more communication can often lead to people being overwhelmed or dismissive because it comes too often. Just think about how you feel when your inbox is inundated with emails. You probably delete many without opening them. That is not the response we want.

Instead of sending more communications, we should think ahead and try to communicate everything in only a few ways in a concise and clear manner. Whatever your rhythm looks like, make sure that you aren’t communicating to just communicate but there is intentionality and clarity.

What medium(s) should you use?

When thinking about communication it is important to discern who you are communicating with as that will help you decide what medium to use. For example, if you’re utilizing social media to communicate with parents, it would be most advantageous to choose a platform the majority of them use. If many are on Facebook, but only some are on Instagram, use the platform that will reach the most parents per post.

It is also important to acknowledge your unique context when sending communications. Are people in your community more apt to read emails or text messages? Would physical mail reach more people than social media? Are paper handouts like calendars better resources than a digital newsletter? Asking these types of questions will help you discern what methods will work best for you community and better allow your information to be received, understood, and acted upon.

How much should be communicated?

This is a very important point to remember: communication is about balance. A wise man once told me, “Nick, you over-communicate. You don’t need to give everyone every little piece of the story. Instead, allow them to be a part of your life and story by giving them the opportunity to ask questions and find out more.” My mentor wasn’t telling me not to communicate, but to take a breath and find a balance between overwhelming people and the place where they’re engaged and want to be a part of what I share.

The same is true for our communications to parents. While we may desire to communicate every little detail, the point of the communication may get lost. So be mindful about how much you actually communicate and work toward clear, concise, and helpful information.

What should be communicated?

In short, communication isn’t just about information. Yes, getting out concise and clear information to parents is important but your communication should be more than that. Think of how you relate to and take in information. Do you remember more things when it’s simply informative or when there are stories connected to the information? Do you engage more with emails that simply give you details or ones that are more relational? There’s a reason Jesus uses stories more often than not in His ministry. Stories connect, teach, and guide us because we are designed to connect relationally.

Take time in your communications to share stories of what is happening. Instead of simply posting photos from your trip, share stories about what happened and what you saw Jesus do in the lives of your students. Rather than just share dates of events throughout the year, share how your vision and mission impact what you do and how you’ve seen God use it. Not only are you sharing stories but you’re communicating the heart and passion of your ministry and showcasing the work and power of Jesus.

When should you communicate?

Establishing a rhythm of communication is important and beneficial in making sure what is communicated is received. It helps parents know when to expect to receive something so they will be watching for it. For some ministries monthly communication is best, but for others it may need to be more frequent. It is important to find what works best for you and your community, because if you start over-communicating, information will get lost.

Find a rhythm that works for your ministry and seek to implement it. Our rhythm is a monthly newsletter coupled with a social media rhythm that stays fairly consistent. Our social media seeks to be more interactive with some information, but our emails focus solely on communication and stories. That doesn’t mean you can’t break the rhythm or pattern for certain moments like retreat updates or special events, but the more consistent you are with your rhythm, the more parents will focus on what is shared.

The Week Before a Trip

Posted on by Leave a comment

When this post goes live we are t-minus five days until we depart for our winter retreat. Every year we take our students to a camp in our area for a winter weekend filled with solid teaching, worship, small groups and discipleship, lots of fun, community, and hopefully a little bit of snow.

But let’s be honest: the week or two before a trip can usually be pretty stressful and busy. There’s all the trip details, making sure everyone is paid up, communication, packing for yourself, making sure your students bring what they need, regular work commitments, and all the other pieces that we know will pop up at the least opportune time. So the question is, “How do we manage and prepare well during those weeks?”

On today’s post I want to share a few tips for how to not only prepare well but manage your time and details to succeed during the prep week and your time leading up to camp.

Have someone else handle speaking.

The week of and perhaps the week before a trip, I would highly recommend having someone else speak at your gatherings. For most of us, the primary amount of our hours are focused on preparing messages for our students, and by recruiting someone else to speak you are giving yourself flexibility and opportunity to focus your time in other places. Whether it’s a youth leader, another staff member, a student, or a guest speaker, having someone else speak frees you up to focus on the trip. It gives you all the time you’d focus on study, prep, and speaking to now focus on making sure everything is handled before you depart for your trip.

Try to keep your schedule as open as possible.

The week before I go on a trip I try to not schedule any meetings or additional work items if at all possible. I will always have various meetings I have to attend, but I try to not add more to my plate. The more we add to our schedules, the more we will feel overwhelmed and behind. So try to keep your schedule open and make the most of the time you have to prepare for the trip and handle what needs to be done.

Over-communicate to families.

No matter what, you will always have people who miss or don’t pay attention to communications you send out. But trying to get ahead of those moments and doing all you can to clearly and concisely communicate will help immensely. I try to schedule and send all of my communications at least a week before parents would ask for them. For example, if I know parents will want a packing list two weeks before we leave, I try to send it three weeks and again two weeks before we go. That way there is a greater chance for them to not only see it but also to have a reminder sent in case they forget.

Have a planning meeting with leaders.

If you have ever served as a volunteer in student ministries, you probably know what it feels like to not have all your questions answered or what it feels like to be unsure about what to expect. The more we can help to prepare our leaders and give them the information they need, the better prepared they will be to lead and disciple your students. So find time before you go to help prepare your leaders mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Remember that these meetings don’t need to be very long and should also be about spiritually preparing and not just information dissemination. So spend time praying together for one another, the trip, and your students.

Create a personal packing list and a ministry packing list.

We have recently written about what to pack for trips as a leader. This is a really helpful resource for both ministry leaders and their team of volunteers. It may be helpful to have a concisely written packing list for your leaders at your planning meeting. On top of your ministry packing list, also think through what you will need personally. For me I always make sure to have different types of cold medicines and throat drops, braces for my ankles that tend to roll, spare clothes, some protein bars, and some extra games and snacks for my cabin. Think through what you’d like to bring and make sure you have your list ready for when you need to pack.

Schedule time off before and after the trip.

This is something I have been making sure that I do more often. Depending on what needs to be done, I try to take an extra day off the week before a trip to spend with Elise and mentally and spiritually prepare myself for the trip. After I get back I try to take a day off to catch my breath, decompress, and heal (for me that means going to the chiropractor and getting extra rest). These aren’t just meant to be comp days but days to decompress and refresh so I am able to minister and care for my people without leading out of emptiness or depletion.

Make a list of what needs to be done and when.

I love making lists and crossing things off as I complete them. And when it comes to trips, I make lists of what needs to be done leading up to our departure. Typically I make two lists for trips. The first one is focused on the big things that need to be done from the very beginning of scheduling the trip. This includes announcing the trip, payment deadlines and reminders, parent and family communications, departure information, and packing lists. The second list is one that is focused on the week or two before the trip. This has to do with leader meetings, social media reminders, final communications to families, texting groups for leaders, sign in procedures, packing for myself and the ministry, and anything else that needs to be accomplished.

What does the week before a trip look like for you? How do you prepare for your trips?

Packing for Trips: Students

Posted on by 1 Comment

Last week we talked about how to pick a location for student retreats and trips. But have you struggled with what you should tell students to pack for these trips? Have you received a frantic text or email the day of departure from a student or parent asking what they should bring?

As we continue the conversation, this week I want to share some ideas for helping students pack appropriately for trips. Next week I’ll share some insight as to what youth leaders should be packing for trips. Over my time in student ministry, I have come to realize a simplified packing list is much better to share than an overly detailed one. It ensures that students pack the essentials and helps them seek clarity when they have questions.

Before you even start to think about what students need to pack, you should be thinking about how you will communicate it to them. There are three main avenues of communication that typically can work with students: verbal communication, physical mediums, and electronic mediums.

Verbal communication.

Many ministries still utilize verbal announcements during their services and programs. These moments are critical for communicating important information in small, sound byte-style clips that peak your students’ interest. Two important things to remember with these moments is there needs to be simplicity, and direction toward a medium they can use for follow up (i.e. social media, emails, handouts, etc.).

Physical mediums.

One of the best ways to get things into the hands of students is to do just that. Get them physical sign ups, postcard reminders, or flyers. This will give them something to physically take, but the reality is these items don’t always make it home or to their parents. So be thoughtful about how much time and effort you put into these mediums as the reward may be minimal.

Electronic mediums.

Over the last decade, the importance of electronic communication has become undeniable. Students have phones and other devices in their hands constantly, and the more you can leverage these mediums the better your results. Use social media platforms, create QR Codes that can be scanned during gatherings, send emails, utilize story features on social media, and send out group texts with information. When it comes to creating online content, you may find yourself in the same predicament I often find myself: I’m not creative in this area. That’s where Canva comes in handy. It has graphics, images, and pre-made designs you can edit and utilize to best reach your audience. So lean into Canva or another design app to not simply list information but make it visually appealing as well.

So what should students actually take on trips? If you use a venue that supplies a leader packet, you may find a packing list there, but you may need to edit it to match your program’s guidelines. When I think about what students should pack, I think in categories: clothing, accessories, toiletries, camp-specific gear, and what not to bring.

Each of these are extremely focused and allow our team to highlight the essentials needed, and what is not allowed at camp. The camp-specific category helps highlight relevant items like winter gear, bathing suits, work clothes, or whatever else is needed. The accessories category allows you to remind students about things like bedding and pillows, a notebook, money, bug spray, and medicine. The “what not to bring” category lets you focus on things that aren’t allowed at the camp and what you ask students to leave at home. We always highlight leaving electronics at home, and things like energy drinks and illegal substances.

Whatever your trip looks like, remember to communicate clearly, consistently, and frequently through multiple mediums in concise ways. When you focus on those aspects you are setting yourself and your students up for success on your trips. Below is a graphic that we built in Canva for our student ministry’s last winter camp. This can serve as a springboard for your creativity, or we are happy to share how we created this to help you further. Feel free to reach out if you need help with creating your own graphic.

Caring for Students with Special Needs

Posted on by Leave a comment

Over the past five years or so, I have become much more aware of how many people struggle with connecting with a “regular student ministry program” due to some type of disability or having special needs. Our church is actually the first church that I have worked at that has an entire program for children and students with disabilities or special needs, and it’s one of the coolest things I have ever had the privilege of being a part of.

Now that is not to say that I am an expert in this area at all. In fact, part of the reason I chose to write about this is because if you are like me, you may find yourself ill-equipped to handle this type of program. I know I am not trained well in this area, but I have been striving to learn and grow.

My desire today is simply to provide you with some ideas and advice, as well as point you to some resources to help you grow personally and minister to people in your church and community who are often forgotten about and marginalized. The more we work at making our ministries and churches accessible to everyone, the more likelihood there is of reaching people for the kingdom of heaven.

Get to know your people.

This is the best place to start. If you notice that there are students with special needs or families who have students with special needs, go and talk to them. Reach out and connect. Get to know them. Encourage them and let them know that they are welcomed, valued, and loved. People and families with special needs individuals often feel forgotten and ostracized because of the differences that exist. By reaching out to them and caring for them, you are creating a place of refuge and love. So ask questions. Listen well. Get to know them. Hear their stories and tensions they have. Then use what you learn to help create a place where their student(s) can come, participate, be loved, and know more about Jesus.

Equip and keep your team in the know.

If you have volunteers it is key to help them know and understand that there are students who have special needs. You don’t need to go into all the personal details for each student, but allowing your team to know that you do have students with special needs better prepares them to engage in different ways. It also helpful to share with your team different methods for calming students down, helping them engage, and how to communicate with them. Much of this information can be gleaned from parents and that goes back to our first point about getting to know the individuals and their families. This better equips you and your team to care for and minister to them. Also consider bringing in people to help train your team or giving them additional resources. Reaching out to local schools and organizations will provide you with a wealth of knowledge and allow you to consider bringing someone in to train your team.

No two people are ever the same.

This is a really key thing to remember. When you meet a student who has special needs, you have only met one student with special needs. No two people are exactly alike. No two situations (even with the same individual) will be exactly the same. No response will ever work the same for two different people. Each of these individuals is just that: an individual. Someone crafted in the image of God who longs to be loved and to belong. And our role is to care for them as an individual, to see them as God does, and to not assume things about them.

Make your place safe and welcoming.

Over the past few years I have come to realize how important space, lighting, sound, and programming is to people who have special needs. If you have students with autism, find out how lights, sounds, games, scheduling or lack thereof affect them. I found out that to many harsh lights or loud noises cause over-stimulation and that in turn makes the students and their families not want to participate. Another thing that people don’t always realize is that scheduling is huge for some people who have special needs. Having a system, a flow, structure, or a schedule helps them and their families prepare. So even if you could simply send a note to families a day or so ahead of time explaining the event and its schedule, you will make your program all the more inviting.

Another great thing to evaluate is this: is your venue handicap accessible? A great way of discerning this is by asking if people in a wheel chair can access and participate in all aspects of your program. If they cannot, it isn’t hard to believe that people with other special needs can most likely not participate as well. You are measuring whether or not your program is open and welcoming to all.

Purchase some sensory equipment.

This was one of the best things I have done for our ministry in a long time. You can literally find hundreds of options on Amazon simply by searching “fidget toys box,” and you can find ones that fit your ministry context best. This is a really good option that can be used in a variety of contexts. Putting sensory items out in your rooms or area of ministry affords students a new way to engage. It gives them something to play with which in turn allows them to focus. It helps students with anxiety to relieve some of their anxiousness. It gives people something to engage with. I would highly recommend getting some of these for everyone in student ministry.

Utilize resources and seek to grow your own knowledge.

There are some really good resources out there and some really not good resources when it comes to this topic and ministering to people with special needs. During my time in ministry I have found two really helpful resources that I want to share with you. Dr. Lamar Hardwick is a phenomenal resource I just recently came upon after hearing him speak on a podcast. His book is a great resource that I would highly recommend as he offers great insight and perspective as he himself falls into the category of special needs.

Another fantastic resource is Ability Ministry. They have helpful articles, resources, and curriculum designed for ministering to people with special needs. This has been revolutionary in helping our team minister to our students with special needs and we have seen amazing results. Our students who struggled to connect to the Bible our now memorizing it, they are serving as greeters on Sunday mornings, and actively participating in the program. I would highly suggest utilizing both of these resources and reading up on how you can better minister to, serve, and love your people who have special needs.

Book Review: The Great Sex Rescue

Posted on by 1 Comment

I had heard a few podcast interviews with Sheila Wray Gregoire, but after listening to one last month on Theology in the Raw with her and her daughter Rebecca Lindenbach, I knew it was time to read their book (also co-written by Joanna Sawatsky). The Great Sex Rescue: The Lies You’ve Been Taught and How to Recover What God Intended is an important, insightful book that I highly recommend everyone read, regardless of your marital status.

We started talking more about counseling last week here on the blog and over on our Instagram account, and The Great Sex Rescue is a must-have for anyone doing pre-marital or marital counseling. Not only that, any youth or church leader who is speaking on sex and marriage to their students or congregants regardless of the setting will benefit from the concepts, facts, and perspectives in this book. And if you are married, the book includes discussion questions and other things to work through as a couple that will help strengthen and grow intimacy in your relationship.

One of the things I most appreciated was how the authors seek to reframe unhealthy messages about sex and intimacy that have been prevalent in the evangelical church for decades. Each chapter ends with a segment called “rescuing and reframing” which helps the reader to shift from inaccurate and harmful beliefs and statements to healthy, biblical, and factual statements. And while much of the book’s content is geared toward married couples, we would be remiss not to begin the process of reframing for our young people now. They deserve the best possible narrative and information when it comes to topics of sex and intimacy and the church should be a safe, healthy place for them to receive that information, especially if they are not hearing it at home.

The Great Sex Rescue also features research from a survey conducted with 20,000+ women, which provides data points and educational information particularly relating to married couples in the church. The information they gathered sheds light on what has been happening in marriages as a result of the messages, books, and stigmas that have been taught in the Christian community. While I found much of this information sad and disheartening, I also felt challenged to help influence the Christian community to do better. As followers of the Author of marriage, intimacy, and sex, we should be giving the best possible information we can to those we teach and lead. It is our responsibility to filter out harmful messages whenever we are made aware of them, and this book does exactly that. We can also begin to paint a better, more beautiful picture of what intimacy should look like within marriage, and why it matters.

Do yourself, your students, and fellow church-goers a favor and read this book. Then share it with other leaders, pastors, and couples. We can begin to re-write the broken messages of the past, forging a better, healthier future for our churches, and stronger, more intimate marriages. Thank you to Sheila, Rebecca, and Joanna for putting in the work to share this book with the world.

Book Review: A Student’s Guide to Navigating Culture

Posted on by Leave a comment

Recently we purchased “A Student’s Guide to Navigating Culture,” a new book by our friend Walt Mueller from CPYU. When Walt first indicated he was writing this book I asked him if it would be helpful to take adult leaders through it even though the title indicates that it is for students. His reply was “yes” and that it would be beneficial for leaders and parents alike to walk through this book, and to consider reading it with their students as well. We decided to provide copies to our adult leaders, with the goal of discussing it at our quarterly training sessions. My hope is that today’s post provides you with insight on this book and gives you an understanding to know if it will be useful in your context (and spoiler alert, I believe it will be).

Walt writes in a way that is both easy to understand, and also in a way that challenges his readers to think biblically on a wide range of topics. This book is geared toward middle school, high school, and college-age students to challenge them on how they view, engage with, and respond to culture. The book is not long at all–94 pages total including the appendices–but contains an immense amount of wisdom and helpful tools and thoughts. At the end of each chapter there are reflection questions that can be utilized both in an individual context but also in a group discussion.

Walt spends the first four chapters talking about culture, its effects on humanity, God’s design for us and culture, and how followers of Jesus should live within the culture of which we are a part. These chapters are very helpful in building a framework to guide readers to think Christianly about how they live, the media they take in, and how they should respond to and engage with culture in a hurting and broken world. These chapters help the reader think biblically about our world, and challenges them to engage and live in it rather than shy away or retreat from it.

The final two chapters deal with two real world applications to how we as followers of Jesus should be living and engaging with our culture: gender and social media. Walt never shies away from the difficult topics but instead engages them head on. Walt delivers biblical truth with love and grace, and challenges his readers to always hold their views and perceptions to what the Word of God says, and to see if they match up.

The conversation on gender is never an easy one and it has people polarized on both sides of the conversation. Walt takes a traditional biblical view on this conversation but also readily acknowledges the complexity of the conversation. Walt knows this isn’t an easy conversation and actually encourages the readers (in this case, students) to continue talking about this topic with trusted Christian adults in their lives. Walt further challenges his readers to not simply be people who call out the wrongs within culture or their peers but to lovingly engage with them and to share truth in love not condemnation.

The chapter on social media is challenging to students and adults alike and is one I would recommend youth workers take students and families through as it provides so much knowledge and insight into how social media shapes us. Walt also provides great insight into the how, what, and why questions when it comes to sharing content on social media. This alone is a great resource to share with parents and students as I believe it will challenge all of them to think differently (Christianly) about what they are sharing online. And to be frank, it would actually be greatly beneficial to share those insights with your church as a whole.

If you are looking to purchase this book you can head over to CPYU’s website to purchase “A Student’s Guide to Navigating Culture.” I would highly recommend purchasing this book for your own reading but also to utilize it among your leaders, parents, and students. How you choose to leverage this with your students should be based off of a couple criteria:

  • Are your students currently walking with Jesus? This isn’t a necessary piece as Walt outlines God’s redemption story for humanity in chapter 3, but it would be more suited to those who are walking with Jesus especially considering the cultural topics that are addressed within this book.
  • Are your students asking questions about culture and faith? This question actually suits most of our students but you will have some students who have already asked those questions and moved beyond them. This is a great entry level book, so discerning if it is helpful for the questions your students are asking will allow for you to make the right decision in who reads it.
  • What is the follow up? This is a big part of utilizing this book. The topics and questions it poses to the readers are ones that can be addressed individually but would be much more helpful if addressed with a trusted Christian adult or leader. That way students are able to continue the process of addressing how they engage with and respond to the culture of which they are a part.

What books or resources have you found helpful as you minister to students and their families?

Tips for Recruiting Volunteers

Posted on by Leave a comment

Summer trips are wrapping up, the final vacations are commencing, and youth ministries are preparing for the fall. And as we prepare for fall programming many of us are working to finalize and recruit volunteers. Each year we are inevitably faced with the need for new volunteers for a host of reasons. Whether you took over a ministry and volunteers left, your ministry has grown, or volunteers have just stepped back, we all know the pain, panic, and difficulty that comes with seeking out volunteers. In this post I want to provide some ideas to help you grow your team and recruit volunteers who are right for your ministry.

Start early.

This is something we should strive to do. The sooner you start recruiting the less you need to scramble as the next semester or school year approaches. It also gives you the opportunity to truly find people who are committed to the ministry and the vision of the ministry. It affords you greater flexibility and opportunity because you have more time to think critically about who becomes a volunteer and where they will fit.

Ask someone else with connections to help.

This is something I’ve learned to rely on greatly in my last few years of ministry. Some people are fantastic at networking and knowing individuals and their gifting. Our senior pastor’s wife is that person for me. She sends me tons of names of people but includes insight as to why they would be valuable for our ministry. Now it is important in utilizing someone who has this insight to help them know your needs, qualifications for leaders, and the vision of the ministry. This will help in the filtering process and give you more quality candidates to choose from.

Lean into parents.

Parents can make really good volunteers. Some student ministries utilize them and others don’t. It all depends on the program, the vision and purpose, and the relationships between parents and students. Parents bring a ton of insight, wisdom, and a desire to see students grow and because of this, they can be incredibly valuable to the ministry. Many of them are also available during youth group time because they have already carved that time slot out of their schedule.

Now I will say this: it probably isn’t prudent to have a student’s parent be their small group leader. For some families this may work, but for a large majority of them, the student may shut down and not feel comfortable sharing all the time. So if you are going to utilize parents, be thoughtful in where and why you place them where you do. Have conversations with parents and their student and consider what would be the best win for your ministry.

Utilize your current volunteers.

This is a great opportunity for you to lean into your team and allow them to provide insight for the ministry. If you have leaders, ask them who would be a good fit as a new leader. Ask them if they know people who would do well in student ministry. Ask them who they would recommend. They know your heart and vision for the program and they are invested in students. Because of that, they can provide wisdom and insight into who you should be asking.

Another great opportunity would be to ask them to do the recruiting. Having that personal connection means a ton and it allows for your leaders to truly lead outward. They become excited about the program and you are elevating their leadership status and giving them the trust they deserve.

Ask former volunteers.

This is something we should consider each year. Volunteers stop serving for a variety of reasons, and we should remember that they were and still are capable leaders. A helpful place to start when it comes to recruiting volunteers is to start with those who have already served. I have had leaders who faithfully served for four years and then took time off, but promised to be back after a time of refreshment. You may also have former volunteers just waiting in the wings to be asked, and I want to encourage you to do so. Even if they cannot volunteer, you are making personal connections and reestablishing relationships which could lead you to someone else through a connection with your former leader.

Engage in personal conversations.

This is one that will require much of your time but it is arguably the most important and beneficial. It is often through a personal ask that you will be able to recruit more volunteers because it establishes a connection, allows you to share your heart, and it highlights a need. These conversations will take time but they will generate results. Whenever you are afforded the opportunity to meet or talk to someone, I suggest that you take it and leverage those opportunities to discuss what it means to volunteer and why it is worth it. These are moments that will greatly benefit you and your team as you engage with people and they are able to get to know you, your vision, and your passion.

Go old school.

This isn’t something I default to because studies prove that personal conversations and connections generate better results, but we cannot deny that sometimes in order for people to fill a need they need to be made aware that there is one. Some of the ways that we can share about a need include bulletin announcements or on your pre-service slides, announcements from the stage or pulpit, and emailing or cold calling people. This may sound like a lot of work that may not generate a lot of results, but they may generate some, and some is better than none.

A final word of advice. So often I see the need for recruiting new volunteers happen when a new pastor or youth leader takes over. The reason for this is volunteers step back when a pastor or beloved staff member leaves. While I totally understand the why behind this, we as youth workers must seek to leave better. We may not intend our volunteers to leave a program because we do, but they can and will unless we do better.

I believe what we must be doing is looking to build a program that isn’t dependent upon any one person, but instead built on Christ. I tell people often that my desire is to have a program that isn’t about me or my staff, but that students come because they have leaders who love them and disciple them, and a place that is safe for them to hear about Christ. By doing this and saying this our leaders will realize the program isn’t about us but about leading students to Jesus and hopefully will incur a better attitude and longevity in their service, and better set up the incoming leader for success. Look to build a program that isn’t built upon ourselves but on Christ, and speak truth into your people before, during, and after your tenure and help them to continue to stay and move forward with their students.

Caring for Students Who are Exploring Their Identity

Posted on by Leave a comment

“Nick, guess what?! I’m asexual!”
“Alright…when did you realize that?”
“This past week while talking to my friend who is too. I don’t like boys or girls.”
“Thanks for telling me this, have you let your parents know?”
“Yeah! Right before we got to church just now.”

This was a conversation I won’t soon forget, and probably represents the way that many of us hear that our students are questioning or exploring their identity. Often it occurs in quick conversations where a student suddenly drops that their identity or sexuality has switched or changed, and we have to know how to engage in those moments. There will be times when the conversations are more intentional and focused, but those are not as frequent. It is also helpful to remember that when these conversations happen, our responses to them are immensely important because students are testing the waters to see if we are trustworthy people.

I want to make it clear that the purpose of this post is neither to be affirming nor non-affirming. Instead, the intent is to give student workers helpful ways to care for students and insight into how to respond when faced with these conversations.

Listen well.

Listening is huge in these moments. Often when a student shares that they are struggling or questioning or changing their identity they are looking to see how you respond. Will you affirm or disapprove? Will you love them or cast them out? Will you listen or seek to challenge? Your response will dictate where the relationship goes from that moment on, so I would encourage you to simply listen. Let the student share their story. Let them talk through how they got to this decision. Help them see that you are for them by giving them space to be themselves and share. This is one of greatest things you could do in these moments.

Include parents.

Often when students come to us as youth workers it is because we are people they trust and know that we love them. They don’t often feel the same when it comes to their parents for a variety of reasons. These may not all be true and may be assumptions on the part of the student, but regardless the fear and anxiety of including parents can be very real for some students.

In these moments it is highly important for you to challenge the student to bring their parents into the conversation. But don’t let them have that conversation alone. Walk with them. Be present during it. Be the mediator and advocate in those moments. And always encourage your students with the truth that no matter the response, you will always be there for them.

Follow up.

Follow-up is really important in these types of conversations. As I stated earlier, students are often searching to see how you will respond and if you will be someone that they can trust. Part of the trust factor is our willingness and ability to follow up with them. Check in and see how they are doing. Thank them for opening up to you. Invite them out for coffee to hear their story. See if they have brought in other believers and the parents. Doing this will not only help your students see that you love them but it will also allow you to have a more holistic understanding as you continue to build and strengthen the relationship.

Seek clarity.

Often when talking with students, I am reminded how confusing these times are for them. They are developing in many ways, they are asking countless questions, and they are being bombarded by different messages from all sides. Because of this they may not even fully understand what they are saying, experiencing, or feeling. I am not trying to discount or discredit any one student, but there have been students who truly don’t know what to say or how to express it, and because of that they may say something they didn’t intend to.

At the same time, seeking clarity on what has been going on, how their home life is, how people have received them, and what the student has perceived is paramount in making sure you love and care for them well. A student may not have had a well received conversation with their parents and you may not know this unless you ask. Or a student may be scared about opening up and as you seek to understand you will gain valuable insight into why. This will in turn help you to better care for your student and guide subsequent interactions and conversations.

Know your stuff.

So often students and parents will come to us seeking understanding and clarity in these moments. Because of that, it is so important to have a working knowledge surrounding these conversations. Dig into resources, understand what people mean when they define themselves, seek to have an understanding of definitions and terms, and know what the Bible says. I know that there will be many perspectives to consider and that you may not be as well versed as people who study this for their career. But we are shepherds to our people and should know how to care for them well and this is an important way to do just that. So seek out information and understanding so you can better relate to, care for, and disciple your students.

Love well and don’t break fellowship.

This is one of the biggest aspects we must follow through on in order to care well for our students. Regardless of whether you agree or disagree with the decisions being made, the lifestyle choices, or the implications of decisions, you have an obligation to still love students and care for them. Too many individuals and churches alike are willing to break fellowship with someone who is walking through these moments, and that has hurt far too many people. We are simply called to love people and show them Jesus because He loves them and desires a full and whole relationship with them. It doesn’t mean you need to agree or condone, but it does mean you walk with them and love them as you show them Jesus. Your job isn’t to condemn, judge, cut off, or cast out, but instead is to show them Jesus and how the Holy Spirit can work in their lives.

So let your students know you are for them. Show them that they are loved and have a place. Help them experience the love of Jesus. In fact, I would argue that these students need more of our love and focus because they won’t be experiencing it from other places as much as their peers may be. These are students who already feel isolated, anxious, and vulnerable and we have an amazing opportunity to love and care for them. That is a high calling and doing so will allow us to truly invest in their lives, speak truth, and walk with them well as we point them to Jesus.