Tag: recommendations

Resource: FYI Report on Youth Leader Burnout & Wellbeing

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I love getting resources whether they are digital or physical. I’m the guy who is always signing up to get newsletters, promotional materials, and always looking for a free t-shirt or hat. But aside from the random freebies and additions to my closet, I’m also on the lookout for resources that help me grow as a youth pastor, an individual, and as a disciple of Jesus.

One of the resources I recently obtained had to do with the holistic health of student pastors, put out by the Fuller Youth Institute. Back in the days of the Youth Specialities annual conference, I signed up to receive their emails and digital resources, and I can honestly say I’ve never been disappointed with what they send.

This last week I had an email from FYI pop into my inbox with this title: “🚨 ALERT: High burnout month ahead!” I’ll be honest, the title immediately grabbed my attention and upon reading it I saw that it contained an amazing free resource. The “FYI Report on Youth Leader Burnout & Wellbeing” is available as a free download at this link. You will need to enter your name and email info, but I can promise you that it is totally worth it.

Right on the sign up page for the free download, Fuller Youth Institute gives you a brief preview of what’s in their report. It includes “the latest research on the experiences of today’s youth leaders, firsthand insight and stories, tips for developing strategies, and practical recommendations.” What I can tell you is if you thought that sounds good, the report is a hundred times better.

Fuller’s report is constructed in an easy-to-read way, filled with stats and solid research, punctuated by real life experiences from many different youth leaders, investigative in its approach, and encouraging and challenging in its challenge to youth leaders, churches, and church staff. At the end of the day this report is encouraging because while it focuses on the realities of burnout amongst youth workers, it doesn’t claim that as the end result.

Instead, it highlights how we can overcome and avoid that result so we can thrive in our roles. The encouragement to pastors and church leaders is also beneficial as it provides them with thoughtful and practical ways to come alongside youth workers as they walk with them and encourage them.

All in all, this is an amazing resource to read through and be aware of. The end game may still be a struggle, especially if you don’t have support in your role. But this report helps you to see you aren’t alone and provides solid responses to help you thrive in your position.

It also equips you with resources to highlight the necessity of partnership within the church that may help others come alongside of you. I just wouldn’t recommend passive aggressively placing this in your senior pastor’s mailbox. Instead, consider sharing it with them over coffee or lunch, or doing the same with an elder or two. The more relationally intentional you are in sharing this with leadership, the greater the potential they will listen and respond.

So what are you waiting for? Go download this report now!

7 Reasons to Conduct Mission Trip Interviews

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It’s been a very busy couple of weeks for my team and me. We recently launched applications for our summer mission trips and now we are conducting interviews. That means a lot more hours added into our weekly schedules to be able to intentionally meet with each applicant before we confirm they are on the team.

I know some of you may read this and go, “You do applications and interviews for a mission trip?! That’s intense and a lot of extra work!” Believe me I hear you on that. It does add a little more weightiness to applying for the trip and it does add more to our schedules. But there very clear wins and benefits to requiring an application and interview.

1. It helps us know our team better.

This is a big one for me because of the size of our youth group. I don’t know all of my students as well as I wish I could, so these moments help me to get to know them on a deeper level.

Regardless of the size of youth group, interview and application questions help you understand more about your students, their faith journeys, their strengths and weaknesses, and their reasons for joining the team.

2. It provides insight into how we structure our training.

When you get to know your team better it allows you to shape how your training looks. If you know your team needs to be equipped in better interpersonal skills, you can incorporate team building moments that focus on communicating and relationship building. If your team needs to understand more about sharing their faith or ministering in a different environment, you can focus in on equipping them.

These interviews allow you to better understand your team and shape the training to make this trip the most beneficial for them.

3. It generates buy-in.

Having an application and/or interview process generates buy-in because it requires effort and intentionality on the part of the applicant. The process doesn’t need to be crazy long but it should require thoughtful and intentional responses and highlight the importance of the trip. These moments help to ensure your team has the right reasons for going and that they understand what is expected of them.

4. It humanizes the process.

Sometimes just going through a sign-up process or application can feel clinical. But when you add in a face-to-face interview it allows you to put the process on a more personal level and gives you the opportunity to be intentional with your students.

I have found that on applications and in interviews students are incredibly honest about themselves. That affords us the opportunity to truly care for and walking alongside our students in highly relational and intentional ways throughout the trip and beyond.

5. It allows us to see strengths and pressure points.

Part of my rationale in conducting interviews is it allows me to get to know my team better and it highlights pressure points and strengths that each member brings to the table. In understanding that, I am able to see potential opportunities and flare ups that may come up during the training and/or the trip itself. This helps me to both prepare and engage with those responses in proactive ways rather than having to be reactive in the moment.

6. It helps us prepare for interpersonal relationships and conflicts.

This is similar to the previous point, but it takes it a step further and looks specifically at the relational moments that will occur. If you’ve ever gone on a trip with students or witnessed them interact at youth group, you know that there are moments where there is tension, differing personalities, and conflicts.

Now put those components into the context of a mission trip. Emotions are heightened, spiritual growth is happening in rapid succession, students are confronted with their own humanity and necessity for God, lack of sleep, new environments, and all the feels and it can seem like a powder keg is about to blow up. But when you conduct interviews it enables you to see where those potential flare ups may be and therefore allows you to prepare and/or circumvent them beforehand.

7. It helps us as leaders prepare for the trip.

Mission trip interviews take a long time and add a lot more to my schedule. But hear me out on this: while it makes a few weeks busier for me, it actually makes the trips easier. Why? Because I am better prepared.

I know my team. I know more about what needs to be done to equip the team. I have a better understanding of what the dynamics will be during the trip. I have insight into each person and how to care well for them. All of these things empower me to be a better leader and to be more equipped to lead my team well.

Have you done trip interviews before? What’s your go-to question?

Quick Tip: Giving Students Ownership

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We are preparing for a special immersive experience the week before Easter for our student ministry. Our church creates a walkthrough Easter Experience that leads people through a wonderful interactive engagement with the story of Easter and the profound truths of the Gospel.

We have tried a few times to provide opportunities for our students to walk through the experience, but they haven’t worked out for a variety of reasons. This year we think we have it figured out: we are creating interactive stations and opportunities for our students to engage with what they learned alongside of their small groups.

One of the elements we are seeking to incorporate into this evening is a time of musical worship. But here’s the problem: my staff team isn’t equipped or gifted in leading worship. So we were faced with a conundrum: who will lead this?

Our worship teams are extremely busy with Easter, so we couldn’t ask them. Most people we talked to were busy that week. Then it hit us; we have students who are gifted musicians, so why not give them the opportunity? We talked to a handful of students and they jumped at the opportunity to serve and lead their peers in this way.

You want to know what happened in that moment? I was reminded that when students are given the opportunity, they will rise to the occasion. When presented with the ability to lead and disciple their peers our students are ready, willing, and capable to stand up and lead as disciples of Jesus.

Students are powerhouses when you give them the opportunity. Yes, they are young and immature. Yes, this may cause you a bit more work and require flexibility. And yes, at times they will fail. But how is this different from anyone else, including ourselves?

When given the opportunity, and with the right guidance, students can and will rise to the occasion. My encouragement today is simply this: give them ownership. Give them a chance.

When you afford students the opportunity to own their youth group you are generating excitement, buy-in, and unity for your ministry. Students who can take a leadership role will invite their peers. They will seek to help others be a part of your vision, mission, and values. And they will develop into the leaders you have been longing for.

This isn’t a mindset for a certain type or size of student ministry. This is an opportunity and a calling to invest in the next generation in tangible ways. This can and will look different from ministry to ministry, but we must ask ourselves if we are doing this.

Are we developing our students into leaders and providing them with ownership of our ministries? When we do this, we had better be ready, because I can promise you one thing for certain: God will move in and through these students and we will see them shake the world for His kingdom.

Quick Tip: Knowing When to Cancel Programming

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Have you ever had to wrestle with knowing when to cancel programming or even if you should? I’ve worked in a variety of church settings with different perspectives and rationales on this topic. Some advocated for never cancelling, some had specific parameters for when you should, and still others put the choice in ministry leaders’ hands.

Today, my desire is to provide you with some perspective for when you should cancel programming. Granted, this must align with your leadership’s guidance and perspective so this may not be as simple as just cancelling programming. It may entail multiple conversations with leadership prior to ever having to cancel. It may also mean trying to find a middle ground.

This post is simply meant to provide a framework for you and to help alleviate some of the guess work that goes along with cancelling. So when should you cancel programming?

When weather is a factor.

Depending where you live this may not be as big of a deal as it may be for others. Living in places that get snow, have hills, and are prone to drastic temperatures swings has left us having to cancel more than once. This isn’t because we are scared of snow, cold, ice, heavy rain and flooding. It’s because we are being intentional in keeping our students, families, and volunteers safe. If safe travel is an issue and if the weather is being uncooperative, it is best to cancel to keep everyone safe.

Lack of volunteers.

This is not to say that if you don’t have volunteers you can’t have programming. But if you don’t have enough to safely run programming and care well for your students, it may be necessary to suspend programming for that day.

When schools cancel classes and/or activities.

A great metric for cancelling is looking at what schools are doing. Did they close for weather? Was there an early dismissal? Are afternoon and evening activities happening? These are key metrics to help determine if you should cancel programming.

When there’s illness going around.

This is one that you need to keep an eye on because depending on the sickness it could spread quickly in your group. Many of us unfortunately learned this during 2020. But if there’s a stomach bug, the flu, Norovirus, Covid, or really any nasty bug it may be advantageous to cancel programming.

We have done this a few times because we had highly contagious bugs going around and rather than potentially add to the spread (and put our immunocompromised people at greater risk) we have opted to cancel.

Around holidays.

We cancel programming around Christmas and Easter because we know many families are extra busy, spending time with loved ones, and traveling. So from a programmatic standpoint it makes sense to cancel our gatherings. This also affords our volunteers and staff time to catch their breath and be with their loved ones on special days.

Culturally specific reasons.

We live and work in a tourist-heavy economy. This means typically during peak tourist season our locals tend to leave because tourists come in, which directly affects our ministry. Because of that we change how we do ministry in the summer months and suspend normal programming for the sake of summer programming.

You may have similar circumstances for spring break or Christmas break. Or maybe your community has different events and activities throughout each year that pull people away from ministry programming. That may be a reason to cancel.

At the end of the day, the safety and care of your people is paramount. You need to make a judgement call and know that in your heart it’s the best decision you could make. It may not always be the right one, but if you make it for the right reasons you have made the best decision possible.

Quick Tip: Don’t Assume

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There’s an old adage that says “when you assume, you make an @$$ out of you and me.” To be honest, I said that phrase for a long time because growing up as a young kid in a Christian house it made me giggle. But as I have gotten older, I have come to realize just how true that statement is!

In fact, I would wager that many of you are like me and we have been guilty of doing this in some way, shape, or form in our ministries and churches. We may assume we know a student and what they’re about to say; or we assume emotions, perspectives, and motives of others; or we assume why our leaders, parents, or volunteer did or valued something we disagree with.

Maybe it is just me who’s been guilty of that, but hopefully not. All that to say: learn from my missteps and don’t assume. I think when we assume we don’t just assume motivation or reason, we assume heart posture and that is a scary place to stand. When we start to assume the posture of someone’s heart, we are essentially saying that we deserve the roll of the Holy Spirit and we can determine all things about people.

Assumptions, especially incorrect ones, can lead to tension, stress, animosity, loss of relationships, misguided responses, and much more. Nothing good comes from assumptions about others, especially when the enemy wants to use our misguided assumptions and our own desires to drive wedges and fracture relationships.

So seek to know people and not assume about them. Love well and reflect Jesus rather than jumping to assumptions, which can actually cause us to disrespect others and the very image of God that we are created in.

Happy 2025: Celebrating 6 Years of Kalos

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As we ring in the New Year, we are also celebrating our sixth year of writing and posting on this site! We have loved getting to share out of our personal experiences and life lessons over the years we’ve served in student ministry. The highs and the lows, the wins and losses, and the encouragements and painful moments have all contributed to what we have shared here.

While we look ahead to a new year, we also want to look back at some of our favorite pieces. We’ve published over 300 blog posts these past six years, and here are some of our top picks!

Nick: 10 Little or No-Prep Youth Group Games

Not gonna lie, this one took me back to when we first started Kalos. It’s one of my first posts and honestly is one that I am super proud of because it relates to everyone serving in student ministry. We have all experienced that “oh no” moment when we realize we don’t have a game ready for youth group and our supplies and time are in short supply. These games are ones I keep in my back pocket for just such an occasion and I hope that they are helpful to others serving in student ministry.

Elise: Get Off the Fence: Why Students Need You Now

This was one of my first posts for the blog, but it also is timeless because students will always need committed, dedicated leaders in their lives. It contains a message that endures over time, and I hope encourages those who doubt their ability to serve the next generation.

Also, a good follow-up to this post is one I wrote in 2020: Questions to Ask Yourself Before Volunteering in Student Ministry.

Nick: Quick Tip: Don’t Forget Your Family

This is actually one of my most recent posts, but it’s one that is near and dear to me because I think it’s a reminder I (and others) need to hear. It’s one that reminds me to make a constant effort to have my priorities in order and to prioritize my family.

Elise: 8 Tips for Ministering to Pastor’s Kids

As a PK who has also been a youth leader for PKs, I still love this post. It’s a reminder of what most PKs need: a safe place to be accepted and challenged. And while some can certainly be difficult to deal with, loving PKs well is worth it.

Nick: Quick Tip: Finding Community

Another relatively new post, but one that speaks to my heart because ministry can be lonely for staff members and spouses. Elise and I have both experienced isolation and loneliness during our time in ministry, and my hope with this blog post was to encourage all of us to find and join a community. In doing this, you will find your overall health grow and become healthier, and you will also find more joy and value in your life.

Elise: 5 Tips for Navigating Current Conversations

I wrote this post back in 2020, but it feels almost more relevant now. In the shifting tides of culture and politics, we encounter so much division–both outside and within the church. There have been so many instances where I wish we would just listen to each other in order to understand, rather than assume. I hope that this post remains relevant and helpful, and not just for youth leaders, but for all who follow Jesus Christ.

Nick: Packing for Trips: Leaders

This is a post that I’ve gotten a lot of feedback from over the years from other youth workers, and honestly was a post that was born out of years of taking trips. For me I love this post because it’s a practical way to help other leaders prepare and think through practical things that they will potentially need on a trip. You may not use all of these items, but being prepared is key and I’m very proud of the way this has helped others prepare and succeed on their trips.

Elise: Book Review: She Deserves Better

I loved this book so much, I had to highlight it once again. For those of us who grew up in purity culture, who work with young people, who have our own kids, or who lead within the church, this book is essential. I am thankful for the health, science, and godliness She Deserves Better brings to conversations surrounding gender, sexuality, and self. Check out the post, but even more so, check out the book!

Make Room for Leaders of All Generations

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I’ll admit, when I started to work in youth ministry the key idea for recruiting volunteers was to find the young, cool, and relatable college students or young adults. It seemed the mentality was “have cool young people leading and it will attract students to your program.” As I have been serving in student ministry I will admit that my personal philosophy and desires have evolved in this category.

I believe having leaders of multiple generations serving in student ministry isn’t just something we should be doing, but is essential in the discipleship process of our students. Different generations of leaders offer different perspectives, insights, skills, relational connections, maturity, and abilities to speak into students’ lives. Older generations have a better understanding of navigating life and its challenges while younger leaders can engage with the “here-and-now” parts of our students’ lives. Both of those generations are necessary and important for our students to help them grow and mature in their lives and faith journeys.

But how do we do this well? How do we not only encourage various generations to serve but also encourage our students to engage with them?

Start by highlighting the need.

Make sure people know there’s a need. Those of us who work in student ministries know there is a huge need for loving and capable adults to serve. But does your church know that? I’ll be honest: I’ve assumed this before but the truth of the matter is that people may not know.

I was talking to some elders a short time ago and as I was explaining what was happening in our ministry one of them asked me this question: Do you have enough leaders? I chuckled and said no, and they were shocked. The reality is that even our leadership may not know that we need more help.

To help people take a step of faith and serve, you must highlight the need. Talk about it. Share stories. Point to what more leaders could accomplish. The more you share the need, the better the opportunities for recruiting new leaders.

Extend a personal invitation.

In as much as I would hope this would happen, people don’t typically show up at my office asking to serve. I’d love that to happen but it only has a handful of times. The way I have typically recruited people is through a personal invite.

Reach out to different generations and ask them to serve. Take them out for coffee, explain the need, share why you are asking them, and ask them if they’d be interested. The more you can care for and invest in people, the more likely they are to jump in and serve alongside you.

Explain what different generations bring.

I love talking to people who think they are “too old” to work with students because I get to point them to the truth that they aren’t too old. Sure, as we age maybe we can’t play dodge ball or 9 Square as much (or ever), but that doesn’t mean we are dismissed from serving.

Students crave authentic, Jesus-centered, interpersonal relationships with adults, and I have found that older generations tend to be amazing at doing this. I love watching people in their 60s and 70s sit with students, listen and share stories, love them well, and show up at important moments in students’ lives. When you can highlight the importance of inter-generational relationships and the skills, insight, and wisdom that different generations bring, you will help to ensure that they see value in serving.

Show ways generations can participate and serve.

This is key in encouraging different generations to serve. We have different areas that people can serve and I would encourage you to think about places where people can step in. It may mean we have to think creatively or create new opportunities, but doing so will help your ministry to flourish.

These areas can include small group leaders, mentorship roles, managing the cafe or kitchen areas, helping with administration, teaching, mentoring and shepherding your leaders, leading training sessions, or any other areas where you see a need.

Create opportunities for generations to serve together.

Don’t isolate generations or have them serve in silos. Instead incorporate different generations throughout your ministry. Have leaders serve together from different generations, allow various generations to disciple and speak into the lives of your students, have all generations at training, and show equal value and worth to all generations.

This may seem like a “duh” reality, but our culture doesn’t always allow different generations to share life together and that can, at times, seep into our ministries. We must be intentional in creating opportunities to serve together and thinking about how our ministry is actively doing so.

Tips for Hosting a Leader Christmas Party

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When this post drops, we are only a week and a half away from Thanksgiving, which means Christmas is just a little over a month away. For our ministry, Christmastime involves two big events: a Christmas party for our students and a Christmas party for our leaders.

I love both of these, but our leader party is by far my favorite because we get to do life with our leaders who are our friends and family. We get to celebrate what God has been doing, there’s good food, we give gifts to our leaders, there’s games and friendly competition, and time to celebrate the season together.

There’s a ton of work that we put into this to pull it off, but it is so worth it because it affirms and encourages our people, and it’s a special time to build into our community and show them how much they mean to us. However, that doesn’t mean that it needs to be a lot of work for you. Planning ahead, creating a memorable moment, and caring for your team are things you can do even without a budget or months of work. Today, I want to provide you with some key elements to consider implementing to make your leader Christmas gathering special and in doing so, help you plan ahead for a busy time of year.

Provide refreshments.

This could look a hundred different ways, but I would highly suggest having some type of refreshments at your Christmas party. This could be a full on meal, snacks, appetizers, or even a potluck. We have been asking students’ families to provide baked goods and appetizers for the past few years to resounding success.

We have simply put together a digital signup coupled with an email highlighting this past year and asking for supplies. This works best for us because it saves on finances and allows our leaders to see just how appreciative families are for the work and care they put into their students. You don’t need to incorporate our idea, but instead seek to implement whatever works for your ministry and your budget.

Incorporate what leaders enjoy.

This is a big part of making these moments special. If your leaders love to play games and compete, find ways to incorporate those types of activities. If they strongly dislike games, don’t play games or limit the amount of games to only one or two. I’ll be honest, we have found that our leaders enjoy more community than structured activities at our Christmas party, so we try to make our Christmas party more community-focused with time to fellowship, eat, and enjoy being together.

Share encouragements.

Encouragement is something I have striven to build into the schedule for our Christmas party because it helps leaders recognize their value and worth to our ministry and church. We highlight what we have seen God do in and through them. We look to highlight big God stories from throughout the year like baptisms, students following Jesus, students who have grown spiritually, and trips we have taken.

The reality is there can be hard moments in student ministry and it can be discouraging. Taking time to reflect and share encouraging stories and moments is so important to building up and showing your leaders the impact they are having.

Play together.

Earlier, I highlighted incorporating aspects that leaders enjoy and I mentioned that if they dislike games then don’t incorporate them. And you may read this point of “playing together” and question whether those two points are compatible together. And the answer is “yes.” Just because some leaders may not like games, that doesn’t mean you can’t play together; the two are not mutually exclusive.

You can incorporate activities that aren’t competitive or are more laid back like cookie decorating or gingerbread house building. You can play one game versus five. You can have fun by encouraging leaders to share stories from the past year that just made them laugh. Moments like these will help build the atmosphere and environment of celebration and fun into your Christmas party.

Build relationships.

This may sound like a no-brainer, but sometimes we need to be intentional in crafting opportunities to foster relationships among our people. This can be done in a variety of ways including how you set up seating, encouraging conversational moments, shaping the schedule to allow for intentional moments, and even stating that to your people. These times can be built in through a variety of means, but the key is making sure to do so. When you have these moments with your people it not only builds relationships at that specific time, but it also helps your team to draw together in ongoing ways and creates a stronger bond among your team.

Make the gathering special.

When it comes to moments like these where we are trying to bless and encourage our people, we need to make sure we are doing our best to make the gathering special. This can include how we decorate, bringing in environmental elements like cozy seating and decorations, having music playing, intentionally crafting a schedule that reflects the occasion, and giving gifts. These don’t need to be things that break the bank, but instead can be creative elements that bless your leaders and help them to know they are seen, loved, and valued.

Quick Tip: Appreciating Others

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So October is Pastor Appreciation Month. Did you know that? Or did you forget like me? That may be one of the reasons this post is dropping in late October and not earlier.

Now you may have read that and thought to yourself, “Nick, this post seems a little self-serving since you’re a pastor and you’re talking about appreciating people in the month of October.” I hear you on that, but please understand that isn’t the heart of this post. In fact, the point of this Quick Tip is to help us think about appreciating people we work with–our bosses, and our volunteers.

When we appreciate one another well, we are showing people that they are loved, valued, and seen. In ministry circles this is vitally important because there is so much that is given beyond the contexts and demands of a non-ministry job. You don’t really stop working. The calls, texts, and emails are always coming through. People show up at your home unannounced. The weight of what people are dealing with weighs on your shoulders and your family’s as well. The burnout rate for pastors and church staff is astronomically high. And let’s not forget that church staff often aren’t paid well and volunteers aren’t paid at all.

Phew. That’s a lot and we haven’t even hit all the pieces and realities of ministry yet. But when we feel that weight, think about the other people in your life who also feel that. Your volunteers, your staff, your supervisors, your wife, your kids. We may not always get appreciated, but we can appreciate others. Rather than say, “Nobody did anything for me in October,” what if we were the catalyst for change and it started by appreciating others first?

Today, I want to share some ways you can appreciate others and love them well all year long as we seek to care well for each other. Some are practical ways to do this and others are simply suggestions on what to think through.

Think about what you’d appreciate and use that as a metric for caring well.

Sometimes it feels like we just don’t know what to do or what to get for someone else. If you’ve ever struggled around Christmas or birthdays trying to get a gift or card for someone, you know exactly what I’m talking about. In those moments, pause and consider what would make you feel loved, valued, and appreciated.

It doesn’t have to be super specific, but if quality time is what you enjoy, consider taking the individual out for a cup of coffee and listen well. If you enjoy a good book, maybe get one for them (don’t be passive aggressive in choosing the book). If it’s something handmade, think about what you could make them. Using this as a metric will help you practically think through what you can do to appreciate others.

Don’t forget the families.

The reality of working in ministry is that it is often difficult. There are hard times that can wear on ministry leaders. But often, the unseen tragedy is how deeply this affects their families. Spouses carry that weight as they walk with their significant other and try to help them. Children often lose out on time with their parent(s) because the church pulls their parent away.

Ministry leaders can come home exhausted and quality time with their family takes a hit. Families often are all-in at churches and serve in a variety of ways, and never hear “thank you.” In moments like these, it is important to remember them and care well for them. Don’t forget the families. Love them and help them to know they are seen.

Utilize a handwritten note or card.

Sometimes finances are tight, we are in ministry after all. And we may think, “I have nothing to give. What can I do?” The power of a thoughtful handwritten card is undeniable. Think about the last time you got a letter in the mail. How did you feel? It’s exciting, it’s encouraging, it’s life-giving. Taking the time to write a note and encourage someone is extremely powerful and special.

Instead of a gift card, take them out and engage with them.

If you’re financially able, a great way to appreciate someone is not just giving them a gift card but taking them out for a meal or cup of coffee. This shows intentionality and a desire to know that individual. In those moments, we need to remember that the priority is listening to and engaging with the other person. Don’t dominate the conversation and listen well. Take this as a time to grow in your knowledge and relationship with that individual as you care well for them.

Give a personalized gift.

Are you the next contestant on Holiday Baking Championship? Are you crafty and good at creating things? Still got your sourdough starter going? Are you a gifted writer or artist? Sometimes the best gift is one you personalize because you put time and effort into making it for someone. I love to bake and make candles, and I see the joy and happiness those things bring when I share them with others. So think about your skills and hobbies, and ask yourself how you can turn those things into gifts to bless others.

Communicating with Your Significant Other

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Elise and I have been married for over eleven years, and both of us would say our communication has evolved since we first got married. I can speak from my perspective and share that my communication didn’t just get better but was more of a roller coaster. There were times I communicated clearly and authentically with a desire for the relationship to grow and flourish. But there have also been times where I haven’t been a great communicator. I would shut down, I wouldn’t share my emotions, and I wouldn’t communicate well overall.

The reason I share this is not to create a “poor me” mentality, but to share with you that I get it. Communication can be hard. Communication takes work. Communication is necessary. My desire today is to share some lessons Elise and I have learned about communication in hopes of giving you some resources and an opportunity to learn sooner than we did in certain areas.

I will also say this: learning healthy communication isn’t just for those with significant others. While this post is written to that group of individuals, these truths and pieces of advice can be applied to all relationships.

Make sure to spend time together.

Let me explain this because I think a large portion of us would say a resounding “we do” to this statement. And while you may spend quantitative time, is it quality time? Were there screens involved? Did you communicate? Was there intimacy (not just sex but true, holistic intimacy)? Was the conversation meaningful? Did each person feel seen, heard, and loved? When we can answer those questions in the affirmative, then we are truly spending intentional time with our significant other.

Listen well.

Listening is a skill and an art. It takes time, intentionality, and practice to listen well. Listen not to solve problems, but to understand and know the other person. When you listen in that way, it makes the time purposeful and not simply about finishing the conversation or righting the issue.

When there is conflict, be willing to engage with it.

Please hear me on this: I’m not advocating for seeking out conflict. Please do not run and try to find issues or problems to turn into a bigger issue. Instead, we all know that in every relationship there will be some type of conflict. Some minor and some major. How you deal with that conflict is paramount to helping your relationship heal and thrive.

Don’t run from the conflict, don’t dismiss it, and don’t attack the other person. Instead remember who the conflict is with: your best friend. Remember what the goal is: it isn’t winning, it’s thriving together as one. When you put things in perspective, conflict doesn’t have to be bad but instead can be handled well where each party communicates, is seen and heard, and resolution begins.

Be mindful of your tone.

Our communication can often be changed by our tone and approach to it. If we come to the conversation with an agenda or a specific attitude, that will be communicated toward our significant other. We also need to be aware of how and why we are saying the things we are communicating. Sarcasm, critical or accusatory words, or even manipulative comments can be extremely detrimental to the relationship. When you’re mindful of your tone, you are going to truly be able to communicate and care well for one another.

Share authentically.

For some reason couples don’t always share how they are feeling. Whether they don’t feel they can, are trying to avoid conflict, or don’t know how, we must be able to be authentic in how we communicate. We need to share feelings, both good and bad. We need to take off the masks and be honest with each other. We need to be vulnerable and receive vulnerability well from one another. When you share authentically and value your spouse when they do, you are creating a safe and healthy space for your relationship to flourish and grow.