Tag: relationships

5 Healthy Ways to Engage with Conflict

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Have you ever found yourself in the midst of an unavoidable conflict? Have you felt the tensions rise, the frustrations grow, and your spirit become overwhelmed?

Perhaps you have had conflict with your supervisors. Maybe you and a certain elder(s) don’t see eye to eye. It could be a volunteer that disagrees with the direction of your program. Maybe there’s tension between you and a couple of parents.

Even suggesting these scenarios may have triggered various emotions, thoughts, and tensions. I get it. I’ve been there. I’ve had all of these scenarios and more play out during my time in ministry, and honestly in all of my career journeys. The truth of the matter is conflict is unavoidable. It exists and it will always find ways to manifest in our lives as a result of the fall.

We have to understand that because we are broken people living in a fallen world, conflict will always find a way into our lives. The question though is not how do we avoid conflict, it’s how do we engage it well? If conflict is going to be a reality we must deal with, what are some steps and applications we can utilize to walk through it in a healthy way?

1. Actively seek to grow and mature.

Before the conflict begins, during the conflict, and after it is over, you should be looking to grow and mature. This isn’t in just one area but in all aspects. We should focus on relational, spiritual, educational, and mental maturity and seeking to grow as followers of Christ.

2. See the best in others and their intentions.

This can be difficult at times and we immediately want to say, “But you don’t know them or the context!” Yes, there are individuals and circumstances that are problematic and can have intentions that are anything but healthy and Christ-like. But that shouldn’t keep us from attempting to see the best in the people, organizations, and circumstances.

3. Engage with spiritual rhythms.

I was recently challenged to fast while preparing for an upcoming meeting that could have far reaching implications for our church. While I engaged with this rhythm, I began to see the way I prayed and focused on God changed and grew. My heart and mind truly shifted their focus and I began to have a greater sense of where God was guiding the upcoming conversation and direction for our church.

If we approach upcoming conversations that may have the potential to be difficult with our hearts and minds being centered on Christ, we will better be prepared for those moments and will be better suited to respond from a Christ-centered heart.

4. Cover the conflict in prayer.

I think when it comes to conflicts, we engage with prayer in specific ways. We pray going into it because we’re anxious and frustrated. We may pray during it because tensions are high. And periodically we may pray after the conflict is done because we’re thankful it’s over or frustrated it didn’t go our way. But prayer isn’t meant to be an afterthought or something we only do in the moments of tension or angst. It is something we should be doing constantly.

This means that prior to any conflict even starting, we should be praying for a Christ-like attitude and heart so we can approach those moments as He would. We need to be praying for the people involved and for God to work in everyone’s life. We should not be praying for our preferred outcome, but for God to do what needs to be done. When we engage in conflict from a Christ-centered mindset we are reshaping how we see ourselves, others, and the tension at hand. In essence, we are engaging in spiritual growth as we walk through these moments by allowing God to work in and through us as we approach Him through prayer.

5. Reflect on your own heart and motivations.

This is perhaps one of the hardest things to do in these situations. It is often in moments of conflict that we want to run with our emotions and desires. It’s when we want to prove we are right. It is when we desire to validate what we have been feeling and fight for our position. I get it, I really do.

Of course we want to hold to our convictions and validate our position. But have you ever stopped to ask why? Why is it so important to be right? Have you paused to consider what would happen if you didn’t have to win? What if you just listened and sought to understand? By taking the time to reflect on your own motivations and where your heart is, it allows you to take a spiritual checkup of your life and to assess your reasons for how you progress and it guides the steps you need to take.

Bonus tip: Go to trusted advisors and mentors for insight.

Often times it is easy to go to friends and peers who empathize with you and will tell you you’re in the right and support you no matter what. But in order to engage in a healthy way, it is beneficial to have someone you trust who will speak truth to you because they will lovingly tell you if you have messed up. This is a must to engage conflict from a healthy perspective because we may not always see our missteps due to our own blind spots.

The Importance of Community

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Elise and I recently had a conversation that went something like this:
“I got invited to another church’s women’s group.”
“Oh wow. Do you want to join it?”
“I don’t think so, but I do feel like I’m missing out on community.”
“What do you mean?”
“Ever since I stopped going to the women’s group due to my job, I don’t feel like I’ve been getting to know people and build relationships at our church.”

If I’m being completely honest, I’m missing the community piece as well. Elise was the catalyst that helped me to see how we have pulled inward the past couple of years. It isn’t that we don’t like or value community, we just became comfortable and content coming home and being with one another. But we understand and believe that life isn’t meant to be done alone or in isolation, it just took us some time to fully get to this place.

For us, there are a lot of reasons we didn’t jump into a group after joining our current church. We had been hurt by past groups and were walking through the trauma that came with it. We have been in poorly-run groups that have broken trust and private conversations. It’s difficult being a church leader in a group that expects you to always have that hat on. Forced accountability left a sour taste in our mouths. And aggressive group leaders and predetermined/pre-established group dynamics left us feeling isolated and deflated.

Have you ever felt this way? Have you ever engaged in community that felt broken, forced, or inauthentic? Have you ever been hurt or burned by a group before? Do you feel like you always have to be “on” and can never truly be yourself in a group?

If so, this post is for you, and for us. We know that this can be difficult, scary, and vulnerable but we also know that we were created for this and it is something Jesus desired for all of His followers. I mean, His group of disciples highlight the uniqueness of bringing together very different individuals but also how those groups don’t need to splinter and die, but instead can thrive and grow. Today, we want to offer you some parameters and guidance for how to engage in community and in groups in a healthy way for everyone involved.

Set parameters and expectations.

This would be something I’d encourage the group as a whole to work through together. Some base things to talk about would be thinking through what the group will be about, the commitments of each person, who will be doing what, and creating a safe space for all involved. The additional parameters will be unique to each group and can be tweaked as needed.

Commit to the group being a safe place.

As mentioned in the previous point, a safe place in community is highly important. Many of us have been hurt by being involved in unsafe groups, so creating a place where everyone can know that what they share is going to be honored, respected, and not shared is key.

If you’re a church staff member you know the complexities this may involve, but having a group that lovingly cares for and supports one another should allow for every person to be authentic and honest with no fear of that being gossiped about. However, I would caution that it is key to not allow any one person or persons to just openly complain or speak poorly of someone else. Part of being a safe place involves the group holding one another accountable and lovingly challenging each other.

Agree that everyone is a contributor and every voice matters.

Some of us have probably experienced groups where we know that not everyone’s voice carries the same weight or respect. In those moments, it is easy for the people with the “lesser” voice to feel isolated, disconnected, and uncared for. And if we are being honest, it’s not just that they feel that way, it is also the truth. That means that if you are creating a space of authentic community, you must agree that everyone has a voice, that everyone contributes, and that no one voice is greater than the other.

If possible, choose your group.

I am not saying pull together only people who think and believe how you do. Nor should this be a place where you just gather people who all have the same bent or frustrations so you can complain and gossip. What we are arguing for is finding people that will help one another grow in being more like Jesus, people who love one another, and people who will lovingly challenge you and speak truth.

Be flexible and willing to adapt.

This is a big thing that a lot of groups and communities aren’t willing to do. They hold to what they have always done because it works or they are trying to make it work. Don’t believe me? Ask yourself this question: when was the last time you made a big change in your youth group? Or maybe ask this question: what has kept you from making the necessary and needed changes? I’m not trying to make you feel bad, but instead trying help all of see that we are creatures of habit and comfort. We typically don’t change or adapt unless we absolutely have to.

I want to encourage you to be willing to bend a little and to change when needed. If your community group has to change nights, change them. If your group is evolving and new people are coming in, take time to walk your whole group through the basics again. If you need to rethink how your group is functioning and what is best for the group, do it. Don’t wait until things are broken, be proactive and engage where you need to.

Make sure to have clear channels of communication.

This is a big one. I mean think about this for a moment: what was your open rate for the last group email you sent to any group? I know that the majority of my volunteers don’t open my emails until the day-of, or maybe not at all. The same is true for all of us. We are inundated with emails and some people may not look at them or open them.

What you should do for your community is find out which method(s) of communication is the best. That may mean more than one, which is okay, but be willing to ask that question to ensure everyone is on the same page and getting all the communication. Also, should a new person join, make sure to include them even if that means starting a new texting group. Don’t just send them a separate communique, because that will feel alienating and unhealthy.

Establish a point person and facilitator.

The point person is just the one who handles communications, logistics, and communicating with church leadership (if and when that’s required). Their job is just to make sure everyone is on the same page and knows what is happening and when.

The facilitator can look different for each group. It could be the teacher or the leader or the discussion starter, or it could simply be the point person to leadership. They don’t have to be one and the same, but they can be. It is important to establish both of these roles so there is clarity and not too many hands in the pie. That way you will know who is communicating to leadership and who is teaching.

The teaching role can vary, and in some ways it should, between members of the group to give everyone equal opportunity and value. The point person can change but that isn’t something I’d recommend to do frequently as it could get frustrating for church leadership. Should that person change, make sure leadership is aware and knows why.

How to Handle Getting Fired

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Disclaimer: This post is not a reflection of anything happening currently in our lives. It instead is a response to seeing numerous people share about being let go immediately following this holiday season and over the start of the new year.

Over the course of my adult life, I have been fired or let go twice. Once was from a non-ministry job where I was told, “I’m letting you go so you can go find a job in ministry somewhere.” Mind you, I didn’t have a job to go to and was a couple weeks out from getting married. The second was from a ministry position. I was the low man on the totem pole and was told I had hit my glass ceiling and was done. Thankfully, a mentor advocated on my behalf and negotiated for me to stay on until I could find a new job so we could continue to pay our bills and make ends meet.

I share this with you not to gain sympathy but to highlight that I get it. I have had multiple conversations with friends and peers who are going through difficult moments of transition. I’ve heard the stories of when those moments are handled well and handled poorly. The emotions that are felt in those times are raw, honest, tense, and reflective of our passion for reaching students and our communities.

The truth is that we can respond either poorly or proactively in those moments, and I can say I have responded in both ways during those two circumstances. My emotions have gotten the better of me, my Jersey boy sarcasm has made appearances, and I have also responded out of hurt and pain. But in the other circumstance I responded well and didn’t let my emotions drive me, and handled it with maturity and respect.

As I have been hearing the stories from my friends and peers, I became acutely aware that no one ever wants to be fired and rarely are we expecting it. But the truth of the matter is some, if not all, of us will experience this at some point. It doesn’t have to be because you did something wrong or weren’t a good employee. It could be due to budget cuts, church issues, or leadership transitions.

The truth that we need to grapple with is this: are we prepared should this happen to us? I’m not arguing that we should live in fear or angst, but instead should be thinking through how we respond in difficult moments and how are we protecting our hearts and minds. That’s the goal of today’s post, to help us be proactive and willing to grow and prepare should this moment arise in our ministry career.

Be mindful of your emotions and responses.

Let’s just be honest with one another. Emotions are going to be high and tense in these moments. We go through all the feelings and our minds are racing. It is easy to run with knee-jerk responses, to respond out of anger, frustration, disbelief, and hurt. But often when we do respond from those places, we respond poorly and say things that are hurtful and things we will regret.

Instead, my encouragement is for you to be mindful of your emotions and responses. A great way to work through this in the moment is to pause before you respond. Count to 10 and make sure you are breathing and not just gearing up for a fight. Pause and offer a quick prayer for discernment, grace, and a proper response.

Another helpful response would be to ask for time to process and continue the conversation when appropriate. This doesn’t always work out, nor is it always appropriate or even applicable. But it is a way to allow space to make sure you have gotten your mind and heart in check and it affords you an opportunity to process. A few encouragements I would offer are to not respond from anger, don’t attack or accuse, and seek to understand and respond as Christ would.

Be thoughtful and Christ-honoring in how you speak of things and people.

I am not saying you shouldn’t speak the truth about what happened, but let’s be real: it’s easy to allow our emotions and tensions to drive us toward gossip, bitterness, and playing the victim. I’m not saying that you weren’t treated poorly, nor am I saying you aren’t the victim in this circumstance. But we–as is true of all people–are prone to presenting a skewed approach and perspective, because receiving encouragement and having people take our side feels good and vindicating.

Instead, what I am challenging all us to do is to be mindful of what we say and how we say it. Don’t badmouth the church or its leaders. Don’t try to draw sides or seek to further divide the church. And remember that while what happened may be unfair, cruel, and just completely wrong, you can still speak about others and the church in a manner that honors Christ. Truth can still be spoken, but be thoughtful about how, why, when, and to whom you say it.

One of the best ways this has been explained to me is to think about concentric circles. Think of your closest group of friends and confidantes. They are the inner most circle, the ones you can share almost everything if not everything with (spouse, best friends, etc.). Now imagine a second circle that is placed around the first circle but is slightly larger. This represents a different group. This may be friends, people in a small group, or volunteers. For this group you can share information and what happened but you don’t share as much because they aren’t as close to you. This continues outward until it encompasses all the appropriate people. The further out the circles go, the less you share with them. This is not because you don’t value them or want them to know, but everyone doesn’t need to know all the details.

Ask thoughtful questions.

In these moments you can ask clarifying questions and seek understanding for why things are progressing in this manner and where they go from here. Ask why you’re being let go if it hasn’t been stated. Look for clarity into what could have been done differently for all parties. Seek to understand the timeline and compensation if there is any.

I am not saying you will get the answers and responses you want, and there may be times you don’t get any answers. But being able to pose questions will help you to process and prayerfully gain insight. Another way to go about this, especially if you are an internal processor, is to ask for 24 hours to think on everything and to come back with questions. Depending on your office environment and leadership this may or may not happen, but if they’ll allow it, you would have time and space to work through your questions as you seek clarity.

Bring in an advocate.

If you think you are being treated unfairly or unjustly, consider bringing in an advocate to help you move through this transition. It could be a trusted supervisor, a mentor, or even a pastor from another church. I will say this: be mindful of how you approach this. It isn’t often that people will have a heads up that they are getting fired, so you may not be able to bring an advocate to the plenary meeting. Instead, what you can do is ask to meet again and to bring someone with you to help you process and work through everything.

I will be honest with you and say that this approach depends on the leadership and also how you respond in the first meeting. If leadership truly is leading well and seeking to handle this situation in a God-honoring manner, then they will be more open to engaging in this way. But it is also dependent upon you. Your attitude and response in that first meeting is key. If you respond out of anger or talk about the leadership after the meeting in a way that causes more tension and heartache, they will be less inclined to meet with you.

Do not contribute to church dissension.

It is so easy in these moments to paint ourselves as the victim and to seek to rally our supporters to our side. And yes, many of us have been and will be victims of broken leadership and we will want to know people support us and see that it wasn’t fair. That is the reality of the human condition. But what isn’t right or okay is contributing to the brokenness or increasing it.

We should seek to be part of the solution and not part of the problem, striving to live in a Christlike manner and to reflect that to the people around us. That doesn’t mean you need to lie or pretend like everything is okay. But it does mean you can speak with tact, grace, and compassion. This isn’t easy, believe me, I know. But seeking to help churches heal and grow instead of contributing to the tension and ongoing brokenness will be helpful for the people you care for.

Preparing Leaders for Trips

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Our winter retreat is coming up in a few short weeks and we are taking our biggest group yet to camp. Of course that means we need plenty of leaders to go with us to care for our students as they shepherd them in the disciple-making process.

I’m a little embarrassed to admit that it took me a substantial amount of time to actually host meetings and training sessions for leaders going on trips. I used to simply ask leaders to show up 15-30 minutes before students on the day of departure and would try to cover all the bases in that short time span. Over time I came to realize that those types of meetings didn’t cover all the details, weren’t intentional, and lacked clarity and relationship.

In the past few years we have begun hosting meetings and training for all of our trips even weekend ones to help prepare, guide, equip, and love on our leaders. Today, I’m sharing what we incorporate into our meetings for our weekend trips and how we empower our leaders to lead and shepherd well. I would suggest everything you talk through be put into a folder for each leader and also put into digital form where applicable.

Talk through expectations.

Expectations should incorporate what you are asking of your leaders. This should include expectations for when you’re traveling, stopping at places along the way, and at the camp. Think bigger than just what you want of your leaders on a normal youth group night, and think through what you’re asking of them throughout the entirety of the trip. You will need them to help with respecting drivers and their vehicles, honoring the places you stop at like gas stations or restaurants, and respecting the rules and guidance of the camp.

Talk through logistics.

Have you ever gone to a camp that you’ve never been to before? Did you feel overwhelmed? Were you trying to figure out where everything was? Did you know the schedule or were you trying to figure that out on the fly? If that’s how you felt, imagine how your leaders felt.

Preparing our leaders for what to expect is key. Take time to talk through what the camp is like, hand out a map if applicable, talk through what the camp offers, the structure of the weekend, departure and arrival times, cabin assignments, small group expectations, lights out, free time requirements of leaders, first aid, meal times, packing lists for leaders, and cleanup. Anything that will help your leaders feel comfortable and acclimated to your space is key and necessary to go over.

Go over the schedule.

I extremely dislike showing up to a meeting, trip, speaking engagement, or really anywhere that I have a role in, without knowing what is happening. The same can be said for our leaders and by not setting them up for success we are setting them up to fail. So take time to walk through the schedule. Highlight key things that are required. Talk through free time options. Walk through lights out and meal times. All of these aspects will help set your leaders up for success and allow them to communicate well with their students. I would also suggest having a printed schedule and a digital one for your leaders to utilize.

Talk about the location.

This is huge especially if you’re at a location that is a bit more spread out. Our winter camp is fairly spread out for free time activities and when we arrive at the camp in the evening the outdoor lighting isn’t great. So being able to show your leaders a map of the camp and explain where everything is will help them feel more comfortable and prepared for the trip.

Provide guidance for small groups.

Our winter camp doesn’t provide small group questions until we arrive on-site. For our leaders that doesn’t work because they have been trained to expect questions and guidance for groups at least 24-48 hours ahead of time. Because we know we won’t get the questions ahead of time, we build out generic small group questions and guidance for the groups to work through. This at least provides our leaders with some tools and resources to move through the small group time.

We make sure each small group knows where they are meeting and how to get there from the worship hall. We also provide guidance for how long to meet and make sure they are aware that it’s okay to go longer than the predetermined time. Another thing we tell our leaders is that there are additional Bibles, pens, notebooks, devotional guides, and new Christian resources for them as needed for their groups.

Bless your leaders.

We have talked before about blessing leaders when we go on trips, and I cannot stress enough how important this is. It is a way to value and care for them as you recognize their sacrifice of leading their students. We typically do gift bags with essentials for the trip (Advil, Advil PM, hand warmers, lip balm, and earplugs) coupled with various treats and snacks. But it doesn’t have to incorporate all of these things. Sometimes the best way to bless leaders could be a handwritten note, a gift certificate to the camp snack bar, a Starbucks gift card or bringing them their favorite drink, or even having lunch for them. The purpose of blessing your leaders is to show love, care, and intentionality, so however you choose to do this, it will be well received.

Spend time praying together.

This is a key part to helping prepare our leaders for trips. We take time to pray for our students who are going, the camp, the speaker and worship team, for our leaders, needed conversations, and for God to work powerfully during our trip. Typically we pray as small groups at round tables and then come back together for someone from our team to pray over all of our leaders who are going on the trip.

How do you help to prepare your leaders for your trips?

How to Pick a Guest Speaker

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We’ve all been there at some point in our careers: on the lookout for a guest speaker. It may be finding someone to share on a youth group night or Sunday morning, looking for a camp speaker, having someone speak at a retreat or DNOW weekend, or having someone who can cover for you when your sick. We know the pains and difficulties that can go into finding a speaker who aligns with our ministry. We especially know those feelings if we have had a speaker who isn’t great or doesn’t connect with your group.

The reality is that we will need to find speakers who can engage with our students and fulfill the mission and vision we are seeking to implement in our group setting. But the are many details and questions we need to consider when it comes to doing so, because we want to approach this with intentionality, passion, and faith to make sure we choose the best possible speaker for our group. Today I want share some tips on how you can do this well and show care to all involved.

Be clear with what you’re seeking.

As someone who has spoken at different venues, one of the most frustrating things is when the expectations and directions aren’t clearly communicated. I like to know the culture of the program, the intent and focus of the speaking engagement (i.e. filling in on a youth group night or the focus for a week-long camp), the vision of the ministry, how long the messages are to be and how many there will be, and even what hasn’t worked in the past. When you’re open and clear about what you’re seeking, it will afford potential speakers the opportunity to say yes or no as they think through their skill sets and time obligations. The clearer you are the more likely you are to find the right person(s) needed for your event.

Know what your group needs.

This is hugely important because as the shepherd to your group you know what they need to hear, how they will receive people, what kind of care they need, and how they will engage with the person speaking. When you’re aware of the needs of your group, it provides clarity for you to choose a speaker who will be the best equipped to help meet those needs. You aren’t looking for someone to take on your role but for someone who will compliment it and provide a meaningful and safe place for students to engage and grow in their faith journey.

Get a resume.

This may sound weird because it’s not a job interview, right? But if someone is coming to speak to your group, especially for a longer period of time, this is a job interview. They are putting forth their services and they should be able to share their experiences, passions, and reasons for seeking to fulfill this role. In doing this, you will better understand if this person is truly the right fit for your group.

Now let me clarify something: I am not saying they need to actually give you a full on resume. I am saying to look for the pieces that go into a resume and seek to understand more about the candidate. If you get a resume, follow up with their references and see what they have to say about the speaker’s skill sets, communication style, and ability to connect with students.

Know their connection to student ministry.

It may seem easy to find a speaker for student ministry; just look in any of the numerous student ministry Facebook groups to see people who are ready and willing to jump in as a speaker. Or you can look at various people’s social media profiles and find tags like “influencer” and “speaker.” But just because someone says they are a speaker doesn’t mean they will be qualified to speak to students.

One of the best things you can do when looking for a speaker is to find out their connection and draw to be a speaker to students. Sometimes people think that speaking to adults and to students are the same, but there are important and noted differences. Being able to ascertain if someone has a connection to speaking to students is a key aspect to be looking for when choosing a speaker.

Consider cost.

Sometimes you will end up finding someone who will speak for little to no cost. These will typically be when you ask someone to speak on a Sunday morning or at youth group, but not so much for speaking at retreats or longer settings. Being aware of the cost associated with picking a speaker is important but should not keep you from choosing the best selection for your group. There are times when costs can be prohibitive to what you’re seeking to accomplish, but if you’re open with the reality of cost from the onset of your search, it will allow you to think creatively about who you bring in to speak.

Preview some of their teachings.

This is something that I would suggest no matter where you’re having someone speak. Whether it’s a speaker for a camp or retreat or someone speaking on a Sunday morning, getting to know their material, methodology, and how they engage with people is key. Getting this preview will help you make an informed decisions on whether that individual is someone you want sharing with your students, if their communication aligns with your vision and mission, and if they bring the necessary skill set to the table.

One final thing: how do you say no to a speaker?

There have been times where I’ve checked in with multiple people to speak and I’ve had to have an awkward conversation where I say no to them sharing. Depending on the circumstance this can be more awkward than not (i.e. telling someone at your church or a youth leader no). The key is how you go about this. Do you simply say “sorry we are going in another direction,” are you direct to the reasons why, do you try to soften the blow?

I would say that the closer you are to the individual, the more intentional, relational, and pastoral you are with them. Make sure to care for and love them well. Explain your reasoning and if there’s areas to grow in be willing to share those. If someone is fairly far removed from your group (i.e. you connected with someone referred to you over Facebook), simply stating you’re going in another direction is fine and thank them for their time. If they want more information that is up to you on how much you’d like to share.

7 Tips to Care for Hurting People

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“Hey Nick, sorry I haven’t been here in a while.”
“It’s all good. How are you doing?”
“Not good. My uncle just died.”

In the span of a few seconds at youth group I was immediately aware of how deeply one of our students was hurting. After their reply I could see the pain etched in their face and in their body language. They were hurting and I knew that they needed to have people love and care for them.

“How are you doing with all of that? That’s a lot to handle.”
“I’m trying to put on a brave face because if I think about it or talk about I’m going to cry.”
My heart broke in that moment for that student and for a pain I couldn’t fix.

Most of us have had moments like this regardless of where we serve in ministry. When you’re in a position that involves working with and caring for people, you will be acutely aware of their pains and hurts. As someone much wiser than me once said, “Proximity breeds empathy.” Today, I want to offer you seven ways you can effectively and meaningfully care for people who are hurting.

1. Be present.

One of the best things you can do is simply be fully present in the lives of people who are hurting. It’s so easy to feel the pull of distractions especially on a youth group night, but the more focused you are on the individual, the more they will be seen and cared for. That may mean moving out of a loud space, it may mean shifting your schedule for the night, and it most definitely means not looking at a clock or your phone. Being present involves a physical, emotional, spiritual, and mental presence when caring for hurting people.

2. Involve their community.

Whether it’s their small group leaders, friends, or other staff members, bringing in people (when appropriate) to walk with and be for the individual(s) is key. They can organize meal trains, sit with the individual, take them out, and love them in tangible ways. Look to bring in a village to walk with, care for, and love on those who are hurting so they know they aren’t alone or forgotten.

3. Empathize and sympathize appropriately.

When caring for people who are hurting, a natural response is to grieve with them. We feel their burdens, we hurt with them, and we sit in the pain with them. What isn’t okay is to fake those feelings–instead, just be yourself–or to tell them you fully understand and feel the same way (unless you’ve experienced the same thing).

I had a coworker who struggled with severe chronic pain. They functioned at a pain threshold of 7-8 out of 10 on a daily basis. We were praying for them at a staff meeting and we asked how we could walk with them. Their response: sit with me, cry with me, but don’t tell me you understand because you don’t and it feels dismissive. If we try to tell our people we understand their pains when we have never experienced them, we minimize what they’re experiencing and they feel unseen and unloved. Make sure to choose your words wisely and to love well when empathizing and sympathizing with others.

4. Send them something.

Giving something may sound like the easy approach, but when it is coupled with the other aspects of care, it is a tangible way of loving your people. When someone experiences a loss we can send flowers, or a meal, or a gift card with a handwritten note to let them know they are seen and loved. Depending on the circumstance and person, what is sent will change. We want to send something meaningful and heartfelt that helps the individual and their family to know they are seen and loved.

5. Follow up.

It isn’t just about being present in the moment, but also about ongoing care. Pain doesn’t just dissipate after a brief interaction, we often sit with that pain for days, weeks, and months. Pain and grief are long term emotions and we need to be engaging and following up with our people. Making sure to check in, to grab coffee, to be present when needed (i.e. funeral arrangements), and to let them know they aren’t going through this alone are paramount to caring well for your people.

6. Listen well.

Sometimes I tend to interject in conversations without listening fully. I’m a fixer at heart and I want to do my best to help and care for my people. But by not listening well or only listening to find solutions, you are actually devaluing the people you care for because you are dismissing them and their problems. So listen well. Sit and allow for people to process and grieve. Allow for there to be silence and wait to see if the individual is done before you start to share.

7. Know your limitations.

Sometimes we want to do all we can to care for people, but we often do that even when it is beyond our capacities or abilities. Instead of trying to be all things to those who are hurting, let me encourage you to simply be you and to know when you can and can’t do certain things. If someone needs to speak with a counselor and you aren’t trained or equipped to do so, connect them with someone who is. This should be our approach not because we don’t care but because we do! Caring well for people means connecting them with the right individuals and resources that they need in all circumstances.

How to Interview Potential Volunteers

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We know that in order for student ministries to run well we need quality volunteers. We don’t just need warm bodies, we need people who will actively engage in life-on-life discipleship with students.

Elise and I have recruited many volunteers over the years, and Elise is an active volunteer herself and has served with co-leaders throughout her time in ministry. However, if I am being honest, there have been times I’ve rushed the process or recruited someone who wasn’t the best fit. Thankfully God has still used those individuals in those moments, but it has forced us to think about the recruitment process and how we interview leaders.

With our unique backgrounds of recruiting volunteers, being a volunteer, and serving with volunteers we wanted to offer some helpful insight and suggestions on what your interviews could look like when recruiting new volunteers to your ministry. We want to offer insight into what we have learned through our time in ministry that has impacted our recruitment and interview strategies.

Ask them to share their faith journey.

One of the best ways you can get to know someone is asking them about their faith journey. You get to hear how God has worked in their life, what has changed for them, and also why they care about serving in the church. Often times you will hear about how student ministry impacted their life or how their experience with Jesus has directed them to work with students.

Get to know them and their family.

During an interview of potential volunteers I always try to get to know them at a personal level. I ask about their favorite restaurants, their favorite snacks, what they do for a living, and I ask about their family. Family is super important and it’s always good to be able to walk with your volunteers and their families. This allows you to care holistically for your team and to see how you can pray and care for them.

Ask them to share the Gospel.

When it comes to working with students who fall all along the faith paradigm, it is important to know that your leaders can share the Good News with your students. Ask them to share it and pay attention to how they do it. If it’s a typical Romans Road style, ask them how they would share their faith with students who aren’t sure they believe the Bible just yet. Encourage them to think outside of the “typical” methods and think about doing it in a boots-on-the-ground way when students ask hard and personal questions.

Have them do a personality assessment.

This is always a great idea to do with any leadership team, but especially with new volunteers. You’ll learn about what they value, you’ll find out their stressors, you’ll uncover strengths and weaknesses, and you will be able to figure out who should be their co-leader based on how they will work together.

Ask them about their leadership style.

As you are getting to know the potential volunteer, ask them about how they lead. Do they work well with other leaders? Does their style work with what your vision is pointing toward? Are they focused on discipleship or simply teaching at students? Are they confrontational or willing to work with different people and personalities? Is it their way only or will they work with leadership? What are their strengths and weaknesses? Knowing the leadership style and gifting of your volunteers allows you to place them in the portion of your ministry where they will succeed and have the greatest impact on your students.

Find out why they want to serve with students.

This is a question I learned to ask because I began to see disconnects among some of my leaders. We are a discipleship-based ministry and our leaders ask our students a lot of questions during small group time and help them think through practical application for their lives.

But we had some leaders who thought small group time was another time to teach a secondary lesson or reteach what was already taught so it was taught correctly. That presented some difficult conversations with those leaders, but ultimately we were able to all be on the same page. It’s important to make sure the values and reasoning for serving with your students reflects the heart and mission of your ministry.

Ask how they would work with another leader.

Depending on where you serve, the possibility of having two or more leaders for a single small group is a luxury you may not have at this point. However, you will at least have them working with you as the other leader, which means you need to know more about how they work with others. Ask them questions about their leadership style. Ask them how they respond to authority. Investigate how they handle disagreements or differences with other adults. Ask about their communication style. These questions will help you think through how they will fit within your ministry and with other leaders.

Ask them their thoughts on the vision of the ministry.

Whenever someone is looking to join a ministry or an organization, you should make sure that they understand and align with the mission and vision of the ministry. Having someone serve on your team who doesn’t align with the direction and focus will ultimately lead to tensions and disconnects, which will come to a head. When you interview someone ask them what they think about your vision. Ask them how they see that mission playing out in their lives. Ask them how they will help model that vision to the students.

After sharing the requirements of the ministry, verify if they can commit to them.

This has been a misstep for me all too often. I’ve noticed confusion after the fact because I didn’t clearly articulate what we are asking of each individual leader. This often came about when leaders thought they had to serve in both our Wednesday and Sunday programs. And that rests on my shoulders because I hadn’t stated that they choose to do either or they could do both, but both programs aren’t a requirement. So make sure that the commitment is clearly stated, and then make sure that the volunteer can follow through with it.

Ask how you can be praying for them.

If we are truly shepherding our people, we should be doing this with even our potential volunteers. Often our people are carrying huge burdens, and simply knowing that a leader cares about them will mean the world. Be intentional, be relational, and be caring as you meet with individuals and love them well.

How to Create a Place for Leaders

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Years ago I read a post called “Think about the tea drinkers,” which was all about remembering to care for leaders who don’t drink coffee. But the heart of the article was about caring well for your leaders. If I am being honest, this is something that has grown and evolved during my time in ministry. It started with hosting Christmas parties and giving gifts, then incorporating leader bags for trips and retreats, and finally with creating a leader hub for our volunteer team.

Even in saying “leader hub” I know it can sound unattainable for some, but believe me when I tell you that this can and should look different based upon your ministry, your community, and your budget. And that is okay! Simply put, I believe we should have a place, a hub, where our leaders can know that they are loved and cared for while also being equipped. Today, I’d love to share what that looks like and give some helpful tips for how to build this idea out.

Have a designated space.

Typically when we hear “space” we tend to envision a specific room for leaders similar to a lounge. While that may be an option for some churches, for other ministries it isn’t. But that doesn’t mean you can’t have a space for leaders. Consider turning your office into a space for leaders by adding coffee and snacks and a place for them to get their needed resources. Our space used to be a filing cabinet drawer with snacks and a coffee area before we opened our leader hub.

If you don’t have an office, think about setting up a table with leader resources and leader-only snacks. You could explain what that is to students to help elevate and recognize your leaders while you set parameters. Your space doesn’t have to be large and over the top, it simply has to be a place that shows your leaders they are loved and cared for. Having a space set up just for leaders helps to value and appreciate them for all they do.

Name the space.

While naming the space may sound like something that doesn’t really matter, I believe it does. It not only validates what you’re doing, it also highlights the importance and necessity of having quality leaders. We chose to call our space the “Leader Hub” because of what it offers. It has a place to pause and rest along with snacks and various refreshments, and we also have resources for our leaders. We want to highlight that our space is more than just a place to relax. It is also a place of equipping and resourcing. Whatever you desire you space to be, name it so that it reflects that to your team.

What should you include?

For our space we include snacks, drinks, resources, programming items, announcements, and anything else our leaders may need. Some snacks that we have are granola and protein bars, microwaveable soups, instant oatmeal, snack packs of pretzels and cookies, pop tarts, and peanut butter crackers. Most of these items or comparable ones you can find at any supermarket including Aldi, where their store brand items are just as good or better than the name-brand items.

Outside of food, we include our small group questions, any announcements for our leaders, and a schedule. We also have a QR Code for our guest students on postcards that they can utilize for their small groups. Their lanyards with name tags are hanging up in the hub for them to grab as they pick up a cup of coffee or a snack. Finally, the hub features first aid items, Bibles and devotional guides for students, and books and resources for our leaders. All of these are items we’ve accumulated over time but have now placed in a centralized area where they are labeled and organized for leaders to easily grab as needed.

How to budget for a leader space.

Some ministries have a budget for things like this while others don’t. I want to speak specifically to the ministry leaders who don’t have a budget for this because it’s often in those moments when you read something like this that you feel you can’t bless your leaders in the ways others do. Let me first say this: don’t think less of yourself or that you aren’t a good leader because of that. The very nature that you’re reading this and trying to think creatively about how to do this validates how great of a leader you are. But the question still remains: how do you budget for this and care well for your leaders?

If you don’t have this built into your budget, or don’t have a budget, consider what you have at your disposal. Can you print out name tags for your leaders and make them stand out in how you theme them? Can you utilize a space where you meet and theme it or decorate for your leaders to help emphasize their value and worth?

Consider asking parents or elders and their families to donate funds or baked goods or a meal for your volunteers. This will help your leaders feel valued and seen by the church as a whole. If you’re able to purchase different items for your leaders, look to extend that budget by shopping at stores like Aldi or Grocery Outlet where your funds go further. Or you could even look to bake treats for them each each as well. Buying off-brands or even purchasing items for simple chocolate chip cookies can be easy on your budget but also show your leaders how much you love them. Don’t be afraid to think outside the box.

At the end of the day it isn’t about how big your budget is or how amazing your space is for leaders. It’s all about caring well for your leaders and showing them that you see their value and worth. Think creatively about what you can offer them and how you can create a space where you love, bless, and equip them.

How to Host a Respite Day

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One of the best parts of my job is working with our special needs ministry. I have the amazing privilege of overseeing a wonderful team of volunteers who love and guide our students in that ministry. Aside from being a ministry I believe every church should have (that’s another conversation for a later post), this is a ministry that truly brings me so much joy.

I started with the special needs ministry when the person overseeing it moved on to a different ministry organization. I’ll be honest and say that I was woefully ill-prepared and had no idea what I was doing. I had never been trained or taught about this while in school, and this is the first church that I have been to that actually has a special needs ministry.

So I went into my first meeting with the team and just asked questions and sought to learn. I dove into books, contacted churches who have special needs ministries, and sought to grow in my ability to walk with and disciple these amazing young people. Through all of that, I got to know my team and our students better and truly began to understand and have a heart for this ministry just like my leaders. And it was through one of my leaders that we began to host our Respite Days again.

Respite days were something our church hosted before COVID and before I started on staff, and honestly, I was a little nervous about hosting them. My mind ran toward all the liabilities, the different needs students had, the guidelines we needed, the number of volunteers, and so much more. If I am being honest though, it was fear that kept me from being willing to host these days in the beginning. Fear of the unknown and what-ifs. Fear of failing. Fear of letting down our students and families who already are marginalized and isolated.

But after some loving and continued prodding from my team, we hosted a respite day in January of this past year and it was a huge success! So much so that we are now hosting one in the summer, fall, and spring of each year. What I’d love to share with you today are a few key ways you can host your own respite day and how you can help ensure it is a success.

Have a sign up process.

The sign up process shouldn’t just be about gathering names, addresses, or other contact info, but about getting to know the students and their families. You should have options for understanding the students and their disabilities and how you can best care for them. You should also look to understand what their triggers are and how they interact with others. Doing this allows you to better serve, love, and care for the students. I’d also encourage you to have a place where you can ask the families if they have any prayer requests or needs, so you can assess whether your church can step in to help and walk with them.

Build a team.

One of the best things to have in place to make this a successful event is a quality team. Having people who understand students with special needs and how to love and care fore them is essential. But it’s also important to bring in people who simply love others well and care enough to learn and walk with them.

Utilize students.

Students with special needs often feel ostracized and alienated by their peers. And more often than not, students with special needs know that they are different and left out. So bringing in students to love and share in life with your group is a wonderful way to encourage them and help to build community. Seek out students who are good hosts and willing to spend time with others, and simply let them do that. Allow them to simply come and build relationships with their peers and to love on your special needs students.

Provide food.

Food is a natural way to lower walls and build community. Having snacks and a meal (if time allows) is a great way to make your environment welcoming and warm. But make sure that you know if certain foods or additives aren’t okay for your students. This is something that your intake form should have as a required question.

If parents don’t want their students having sugar, think about having fruit instead of fruit snacks. If they can’t have food dyes, look for more natural snacks. We have provided Goldfish crackers, pretzels, grapes, and Skinny Pop as snack items and we have had pizza and Chick-fil-A for meals. Whatever you choose, be intentional in what you pick to help make your atmosphere and the entire day feel special and celebratory.

Have a variety of activities.

In order for a respite day to be a success, it is highly important to have a lot of different activities to engage your special needs students. These could be Foosball, ping pong, four square, board games, puzzles, coloring and crafts, playing outside on a playground, drawing with chalk, watching a movie, or playing games on a Wii. We also provide fidget toys for our students who need them and we place them throughout the area we are using so they are ever-present.

We don’t necessarily structure our day with rigid timelines of what we want to do at specific times. Instead we have all the activities up and going to allow our students to engage organically with one another. We do make sure our leaders are present at each activity but we also allow students to choose their own adventure by picking what activity they would like to do.

Bless the families.

One thing I came to realize by serving with our special needs team is this: having a special needs child is extremely taxing and isolating. Most of these families feel alone and forgotten. And worst still, they don’t see churches as safe places for them or their kids. I’ve had multiple parents tell me they have been forced to leave a church as they were told their child wasn’t wanted because they are a disruption. These families are hurting and in need.

So if you’re able to, consider having gifts or gift bags for the students and for their families. For families, we write a card for them and include a gift card to a local restaurant along with information about our church and special needs ministry. For the students, we give new students The Biggest Story Bible by Kevin DeYoung, but everyone gets a gift bag with glow sticks, snacks, some fidget toys, stickers, colored pencils, a journal, sunglasses, and a special note to them from our special needs ministry team.

Utilize invitations.

When you are preparing to host a respite day make sure that you have invitations that you can use to invite people. Disperse them to your church community but also ask the families who have special needs students to invite their friends. Special needs families have their own communities and know one another well, so asking them to share the invitations will ensure that they invite their friends which will provide opportunities for unchurched people to step into your church.

Be hospitable.

Welcoming families as they arrive is key. There may be families who show up who have never been to your facility before, so having someone greet them is paramount to them feeling loved and accepted. Make sure your leaders have name tags and introduce themselves as they interact with the families to encourage them and to help them be put at ease as they leave their student with you.

Hospitality shouldn’t exist only when people arrive but also as students are picked up. Making sure you have a greeter and someone to walk parents and guardians back to their students is highly important and shows them that you value the safety and well-being of their child as well as caring for the parent.

Is it Wrong to Seek Advancement?

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When was the last time you thought about advancement in your position? Do you have any idea what that might look like? Does your church have a policy or program in place to help you advance and grow in your position?

How did those questions make you feel? I think that when many people enter into ministry they don’t often think about advancement. Sure, there might be the thought that advancement is “becoming the senior pastor,” but I would assert this is a false sense of advancement because not everyone is called to be a senior pastor.

Many people are called to be pastors but in a variety of roles because that is how God designed and gifted them. But if that is true, shouldn’t there be an opportunity to grow and advance in those positions? The answer is and should be “yes,” whether or not that is seen and understood by your superiors.

Before we even get to what your supervisors may think and desire for you, we must begin by looking internally to ascertain if this is the appropriate and needed advancement for ourselves. In order to help determine if you are correctly looking for advancement, it is helpful to ask the following questions.

Ask: Why?

There are a lot of “why” questions we could pose here. Why do I want this? Why am I not advancing? Why is advancement a good thing? Why should I want to advance? Asking “why” is all about authenticity. Are you being honest with yourself and with your employers? Was it your intent when you got hired to move forward? What does that even mean for you…what about for your church?

When we are thinking about advancement, the “why” question should force us to look inward. There are great reasons to move toward advancement, but there can also be selfish reasons that guide our desires. So by asking why, you are forcing yourself to think critically about your reasoning and desires.

Ask: What is my goal?

Often when we think about advancement we are thinking about position, title, and financial status. While none of these are inherently wrong, we should be aware of our true heart motivation for desiring advancement. I’ve worked in ministry circles long enough to watch people treat various ministries like stepping stones to get to the desired position of senior pastor. We can debate for days on why this is, the way churches are structured, how ministry schools train you to think, and the way churches elevate that position over others, but that would be missing the point.

The point is sometimes we value aspects of advancement that shouldn’t be our focus or desire. In ministry, we are called to shepherd and disciple those whom God has entrusted to our care, and to simply look for advancement without consideration of our true calling wouldn’t be honoring of that calling. I am not saying you shouldn’t think about yourself, your family, or your financial status, but we should be discerning our true goal. As we do this, it helps us think critically about how we minister and care for our people and it should also shape the authenticity we show to our church.

Ask: Whose desire is this?

Is it God’s desire or your own? You may have a desire or reason to seek advancement that is completely appropriate. You may need to advance to better support your family or pay off your debt. Those are valid and important reasons. However, there are times our desires aren’t centered properly, and that means we need to wisely discern whose desire we are following.

A metric we need to remember is that while our desires may not be wrong or improper, they aren’t ultimate. If you’re just getting an education to “move up” in your career, you aren’t necessarily listening to what God is saying, nor are you paying attention to the people you have been called to shepherd. Often our desires and God’s can go hand-in-hand, but there will be times that they don’t. A great way to help you discern this would be to bring an honest, trusted friend and mentor into the conversation to help you see whose desire you are following. Allow them to speak truth and help guide you in this process.

Ask: What does advancement mean for me?

Acknowledging what advancement looks like for you is important because it allows you to assess where you want to be and how you’re going to get there. It also gives you a starting point for conversations with your church and ministry. They may see advancement in terms of helping you grow in knowledge and education, but you may define it by title, position, or pay scale. Being able to define what advancement looks like gives you the ability to clearly and concisely communicate it. When you communicate what you see advancement as, it allows you to compare your perspective to that of your church and to see if they are in alignment.

At the end of the day, advancement isn’t wrong, but it is important to discern why we are seeking it, and how we are going about obtaining it. Growing and advancing in a career field is important, but it shouldn’t come at the cost of people. That goes for congregants and for you and your family. You should never see a ministry or church as a stepping stone or a means to an end, and likewise you shouldn’t just stay in a position if it is causing hurt and pain to you and your family. Discernment and wisdom from God and trusted mentors should always be a metric you seek out in this part of your career, and you should always be checking your heart.

My advice: always be a learner, always seek to grow, be honest about your desires and where your heart is, and always remember the calling God has given to you. Advancement isn’t wrong, but how we go about obtaining it is key.