Tag: relationships

Quick Tip: Intentionality at Grad Parties

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If you’re like me, graduation season is in full swing and graduation parties are popping up every weekend. But have you ever asked yourself, “why do I go to these?”

I know I’ve been to ones where I only knew the graduate and their family, and in some cases just the graduate. I’ve been to ones that felt awkward for a variety of reasons. And still others where I stayed for hours on end.

But still, the question of “why do I go” hasn’t been answered. So why do we go? Of course we go for the graduate and to celebrate them, but that cannot be the only reason.

Let’s be honest for a moment: while the graduate may be happy to see us, their focus will be on their friends and family. So if we limit our reason to going to simply to celebrate the graduate (and eat good food), I think we are missing a broader opportunity.

When we practice intentionality at graduation parties, it allows us to have a broader impact as we love and care for our community. If we simply go to just celebrate our graduates, we miss out on intentional moments with parents, families, friends, our leaders, and even complete strangers we may meet in line for the guestbook.

What I would encourage is that we go to celebrate our graduates but also to intentionally engage and invest in the other people who are at the party. If we take the moments we are given and seek to have intentional conversations, love the people present, and celebrate the graduates, we will see the opportunities for engaging with our community flourish and be much more fruitful.

So when you go to grad parties this year, practice intentionality and love your community well. Not only will this make the parties more meaningful but you will also see relationships flourish because of the impact your ministry will have.

5 Ways to Listen Well

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Have you ever been a part of a conversation where it was obvious that the other person wasn’t listening? Perhaps you noticed a glazed look that came over the other person. Or maybe you were able to tell that you weren’t heard by the response the other person gave. Did someone continually try to tell you how to fix the problem but didn’t actually know what the problem was because they never let you fully share what was happening?

I think many—if not all—of us have experienced a time when we weren’t heard. But allow me to pose a different question within the same topic: have you ever been guilty of not listening well? Hits a little different doesn’t it? If we were all to take a deeper look into our own interactions we may notice that we are just as guilty of not always listening well.

So the question before us is simple to state but perhaps more complex in the intentionality we must implement: how do we listen well? I want to share a few simple ways to do this, but also to highlight that these aren’t fix-alls. It starts with our heart and intentionality in building authentic relationships that honor and dignify both individuals as we seek to reflect the love and personhood of Jesus.

1. Listen to understand not problem solve.

If you’re like me, you may be someone who wants to fix whatever problem you are given. However, some people just want you to listen, understand, and empathize with them. When we listen to fix the problem we will miss what the actual problem is, we devalue the other person by not actually listening to them, and we are looking to make ourselves the hero rather than just a friend. Instead we should listen to understand which values the other person and builds trust and rapport between both of you.

2. Ask clarifying questions.

Listening well means you are seeking clarity and understanding. In order to accomplish that well, we need to ask clarifying questions. This highlights that you were listening and that you truly want to understand what is happening as you walk in community with the other person.

3. Allow people to finish their thoughts.

I find myself often wanting to jump into a conversation before I should. I assert my thoughts before the other person has finished talking. I try to finish other people’s sentences, and I try to discern where the conversation is going before it actually arrives at that point.

But there is an inherent problem in all of these above things: it tells the other person their perspectives, thoughts, and insights do not matter because you have it all figured out. It actually devalues them and elevates us. Instead we should seek to truly listen and allow others to fully articulate themselves as we seek to understand.

4. Be fully present and not distracted.

It is so easy to get distracted during conversations. There’s things happening around us, different noises, technology, phones and watches buzzing, and a litany of other things competing for our time and attention. Many of us have experienced people being distracted while we talk to them and we know how that makes us feel. That means we should strive to do the opposite as we care well for our people.

We should be present and do whatever we can to minimize distractions. That can be switching on “do not disturb” on our devices, shutting a door, putting our backs to distractions, or anything else that will help us to focus and be present.

5. Be responsive.

When we are actively engaged in listening well, we should show that in our actions, reactions, facial expressions, and verbal responses. When we respond to what people say, it helps to highlight our engagement and attention to the other person. This comes through our body language, shifting our positions, leaning into the conversation, giving verbal responses, appropriate emotional responses, and making sure we are looking at the other person.

The more we listen well the more we will see our relationships flourish and grow in authenticity as we seek to love and value others.

Quick Tip: Caring for Leaders

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Have you ever had a leader experience loss? How did you respond? Has a leader on your team ever had a surgery or prolonged illness? Was there a celebratory moment like a college or graduate school graduation? Has there been a birth or adoption within your community?

When it comes to caring for our people, we need to practice intentional community and support for them. Often we can default to monetary care, and while that can be a part of caring well, we can and should be thinking about different opportunities to love and support our community. But what are some additional ways to care well during difficult or celebratory moments?

  1. Send a personal handwritten note or card.
  2. Pray with and for the individual.
  3. Visit with them and make sure you have allotted the appropriate amount of time to visit.
  4. Send flowers and/or balloons.
  5. Send a gift card to your local supermarket or DoorDash to help provide meals.
  6. Start a meal train and bring a meal by yourself.
  7. Encourage your youth group to write cards to the individual.
  8. Put together a gift basket with contributions from your leaders and/or youth group.
  9. Help out with any service projects around the home and encourage your students to help with these.
  10. Check in and see if they need help with childcare or pet sitting.
  11. Ask families to contribute to any of the above ideas.

These aren’t meant to be a catch all, but instead to challenge us to think creatively when it comes to caring well for our people. We want them to know they are seen, loved, and missed and these are just some options that help us to think outside of our normal ways of doing things.

Quick Tip: Build Authentic Friendships

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Ministry is lonely. There’s no denying it. Depending on your context and setting, it may be felt in substantially larger ways.

In my context it seems like everyone knows me because of my job. It’s always, “Hi, Nick” in the supermarket or “Hello, pastor” at the gas station. The reality is that it’s often hard to build authentic friendships in my context because I’m always seen as a “pastor” rather than just another person trying to follow Jesus and be authentic with others.

If I’m honest, that reality actually led me to keep authentic friendships at arms length for a very long time, which led to increased loneliness that grew exponentially during the global pandemic. That became the tipping point for me and I realized I truly needed to have authentic friendships in order to continue to not just make it through life but also to thrive.

That meant I needed to take a risk and realize that I would have to open myself up to others and deal with past hurt from other friendships. In doing so, I had to identify that not every friendship will work out, nor will every friend hurt me like some had in the past. If you’ve been hurt or betrayed, you know just how difficult it is to open yourself up again, and the entire premise of this article probably leaves you feeling anxious and unsure.

I get it. Even as I write this, I can’t help but rehash past friendships that left me hurt and broken. But can I offer you some hope? There are authentic and meaningful friendships that exist and can offer the healing, community, and depth that we all need.

Let me also encourage you to look for friendships outside of your normal contexts. Yes, look within your communities and church, but recognize you may need to look elsewhere. Sometimes you need a safe place to process and be honest about work and what is happening within that context.

Consider reaching out to other youth workers in your community. Join a cohort. Find networks in your area. Utilize social media groups to find ways to connect with others. Consider reaching out to friends from college. Connect with coaching organizations and see if they have networks. Talk to former youth pastors and see if they could be mentors and friends. Reach out to your denomination (if you’re a part of one) and ask about connection opportunities. The broader your target, the more potential you have to find something that works.

Yes, there is risk with this but I can promise you the reward is great. I’ve been able to build lasting friendships from cohorts, college, and within our church community. All of which have been of great benefit to me and I am forever grateful.

Let me encourage and challenge you to seek out friendships that allow you and the other person(s) to truly be authentic and be for one another. Take a risk and be willing to trust others. You’ll be the better for it.

Tips for Communicating Expectations with Your Team

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Have you ever felt like you didn’t know what was expected of you? Has a review ever caught you off guard? Were you ever confused when you found out you were doing smothering incorrectly?

I think most, if not all, of us have been there. We know the feeling of expectations not being communicated. We know those feelings and tensions. The sad reality is we may not be able to change how others, even our supervisors, handle those moments but we can decide how we approach them.

We can lead from the second chair and lead by example to our supervisors, but we can also lead well with our teams. That includes how we communicate our expectations. Today I want to share a few key ways we can do that well.

Think through how you’d like people to communicate with you.

When we reflect on how we want to be communicated with, that should impact how we communicate with others. We know what matters to us, we understand how we experience value and appreciation, and we know what makes us feel dismissed and unseen. Utilize that knowledge to guide how you communicate and express your expectations to your team.

Be clear in your communications.

Sometimes in an effort to soften our approach, care well for others, and (if we are honest) seem like the hero of our story, we can muddy our communication by adding more verbiage that isn’t necessary. Instead, what we need to do is be thoughtful and intentional with our words as we seek to be clear in our communications. Clarity is kindness, and when our communication is clear, our people have a better understanding of what is being asked of them.

Be clear with expectations.

Ambiguity never helps anyone. If we don’t give clear expectations, we will never be satisfied with the results because we haven’t set up our team to meet the expectations. We are setting our people up to fail and for ourselves to be disappointed and discouraged.

Instead, know what your expectations are and clearly communicate them to your team. I would strongly encourage you to consider putting your expectations in writing so that you have something you can come back to.

Never assume.

This is a big part of expectations. Often when there are unspoken or unmet expectations we can jump to conclusions about the other person(s) and assume various things about them. But this isn’t just with unspoken or unmet expectations, we do this even when expectations are clearly communicated. We assume motive or rationale or even heart attitudes and this is never a safe place to be.

When we start to play God by assuming, we truly make ourselves out to be the donkey that doesn’t know our head from our behind. In those moments we actually end up hurting others and ourselves by creating brokenness in the relationship, which can actually lead to loss of said relationship.

Honor your expectations.

One thing I would strongly encourage is that if you have expectations for your team, hold yourself to those expectations. We have all had experiences with leaders whose motto is “do as I say not as I do.” And if we are honest with ourselves, that type of leader is hard to work for and with. It’s a frustrating place to be and we know that tension well.

Instead, let me challenge each of us to be the leaders we desire and honor the expectations we give to our team. If we are asking for timely communication, we need to make sure we are doing the same. If you want your team to communicate in a certain manner, make sure you exemplify it. If there are office hours and out of office hours, make sure you reflect that in your schedule as well.

When a team is held to the same expectations and the leader is the first to hold to them, you will see a team that is unified and collaborative instead of divided and hurting.

What are some ways that you communicate expectations with your people?

7 Reasons to Conduct Mission Trip Interviews

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It’s been a very busy couple of weeks for my team and me. We recently launched applications for our summer mission trips and now we are conducting interviews. That means a lot more hours added into our weekly schedules to be able to intentionally meet with each applicant before we confirm they are on the team.

I know some of you may read this and go, “You do applications and interviews for a mission trip?! That’s intense and a lot of extra work!” Believe me I hear you on that. It does add a little more weightiness to applying for the trip and it does add more to our schedules. But there very clear wins and benefits to requiring an application and interview.

1. It helps us know our team better.

This is a big one for me because of the size of our youth group. I don’t know all of my students as well as I wish I could, so these moments help me to get to know them on a deeper level.

Regardless of the size of youth group, interview and application questions help you understand more about your students, their faith journeys, their strengths and weaknesses, and their reasons for joining the team.

2. It provides insight into how we structure our training.

When you get to know your team better it allows you to shape how your training looks. If you know your team needs to be equipped in better interpersonal skills, you can incorporate team building moments that focus on communicating and relationship building. If your team needs to understand more about sharing their faith or ministering in a different environment, you can focus in on equipping them.

These interviews allow you to better understand your team and shape the training to make this trip the most beneficial for them.

3. It generates buy-in.

Having an application and/or interview process generates buy-in because it requires effort and intentionality on the part of the applicant. The process doesn’t need to be crazy long but it should require thoughtful and intentional responses and highlight the importance of the trip. These moments help to ensure your team has the right reasons for going and that they understand what is expected of them.

4. It humanizes the process.

Sometimes just going through a sign-up process or application can feel clinical. But when you add in a face-to-face interview it allows you to put the process on a more personal level and gives you the opportunity to be intentional with your students.

I have found that on applications and in interviews students are incredibly honest about themselves. That affords us the opportunity to truly care for and walking alongside our students in highly relational and intentional ways throughout the trip and beyond.

5. It allows us to see strengths and pressure points.

Part of my rationale in conducting interviews is it allows me to get to know my team better and it highlights pressure points and strengths that each member brings to the table. In understanding that, I am able to see potential opportunities and flare ups that may come up during the training and/or the trip itself. This helps me to both prepare and engage with those responses in proactive ways rather than having to be reactive in the moment.

6. It helps us prepare for interpersonal relationships and conflicts.

This is similar to the previous point, but it takes it a step further and looks specifically at the relational moments that will occur. If you’ve ever gone on a trip with students or witnessed them interact at youth group, you know that there are moments where there is tension, differing personalities, and conflicts.

Now put those components into the context of a mission trip. Emotions are heightened, spiritual growth is happening in rapid succession, students are confronted with their own humanity and necessity for God, lack of sleep, new environments, and all the feels and it can seem like a powder keg is about to blow up. But when you conduct interviews it enables you to see where those potential flare ups may be and therefore allows you to prepare and/or circumvent them beforehand.

7. It helps us as leaders prepare for the trip.

Mission trip interviews take a long time and add a lot more to my schedule. But hear me out on this: while it makes a few weeks busier for me, it actually makes the trips easier. Why? Because I am better prepared.

I know my team. I know more about what needs to be done to equip the team. I have a better understanding of what the dynamics will be during the trip. I have insight into each person and how to care well for them. All of these things empower me to be a better leader and to be more equipped to lead my team well.

Have you done trip interviews before? What’s your go-to question?

Quick Tip: Giving Students Ownership

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We are preparing for a special immersive experience the week before Easter for our student ministry. Our church creates a walkthrough Easter Experience that leads people through a wonderful interactive engagement with the story of Easter and the profound truths of the Gospel.

We have tried a few times to provide opportunities for our students to walk through the experience, but they haven’t worked out for a variety of reasons. This year we think we have it figured out: we are creating interactive stations and opportunities for our students to engage with what they learned alongside of their small groups.

One of the elements we are seeking to incorporate into this evening is a time of musical worship. But here’s the problem: my staff team isn’t equipped or gifted in leading worship. So we were faced with a conundrum: who will lead this?

Our worship teams are extremely busy with Easter, so we couldn’t ask them. Most people we talked to were busy that week. Then it hit us; we have students who are gifted musicians, so why not give them the opportunity? We talked to a handful of students and they jumped at the opportunity to serve and lead their peers in this way.

You want to know what happened in that moment? I was reminded that when students are given the opportunity, they will rise to the occasion. When presented with the ability to lead and disciple their peers our students are ready, willing, and capable to stand up and lead as disciples of Jesus.

Students are powerhouses when you give them the opportunity. Yes, they are young and immature. Yes, this may cause you a bit more work and require flexibility. And yes, at times they will fail. But how is this different from anyone else, including ourselves?

When given the opportunity, and with the right guidance, students can and will rise to the occasion. My encouragement today is simply this: give them ownership. Give them a chance.

When you afford students the opportunity to own their youth group you are generating excitement, buy-in, and unity for your ministry. Students who can take a leadership role will invite their peers. They will seek to help others be a part of your vision, mission, and values. And they will develop into the leaders you have been longing for.

This isn’t a mindset for a certain type or size of student ministry. This is an opportunity and a calling to invest in the next generation in tangible ways. This can and will look different from ministry to ministry, but we must ask ourselves if we are doing this.

Are we developing our students into leaders and providing them with ownership of our ministries? When we do this, we had better be ready, because I can promise you one thing for certain: God will move in and through these students and we will see them shake the world for His kingdom.

Quick Tip: Don’t Assume

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There’s an old adage that says “when you assume, you make an @$$ out of you and me.” To be honest, I said that phrase for a long time because growing up as a young kid in a Christian house it made me giggle. But as I have gotten older, I have come to realize just how true that statement is!

In fact, I would wager that many of you are like me and we have been guilty of doing this in some way, shape, or form in our ministries and churches. We may assume we know a student and what they’re about to say; or we assume emotions, perspectives, and motives of others; or we assume why our leaders, parents, or volunteer did or valued something we disagree with.

Maybe it is just me who’s been guilty of that, but hopefully not. All that to say: learn from my missteps and don’t assume. I think when we assume we don’t just assume motivation or reason, we assume heart posture and that is a scary place to stand. When we start to assume the posture of someone’s heart, we are essentially saying that we deserve the roll of the Holy Spirit and we can determine all things about people.

Assumptions, especially incorrect ones, can lead to tension, stress, animosity, loss of relationships, misguided responses, and much more. Nothing good comes from assumptions about others, especially when the enemy wants to use our misguided assumptions and our own desires to drive wedges and fracture relationships.

So seek to know people and not assume about them. Love well and reflect Jesus rather than jumping to assumptions, which can actually cause us to disrespect others and the very image of God that we are created in.

Quick Tip: Don’t Forget Your Family

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Ministry is an interesting career for a variety of reasons. We work weird hours. It’s really difficult to explain what we do. Weekends don’t exist in the traditional sense. We are highly involved in people’s lives. We have one to two days a week that are bigger than all the others. Two days out of the year are like our Super Bowl. Our phones and emails always seem to be going off. Work never seems to be done because something always comes up and discipleship never stops.

But let me ask you a question: how often do you bring work home? Or perhaps the question is better asked this way: how often does work distract you from or take priority over your family?

Please understand I’m not trying to call anyone out or be critical. I am trying to challenge our perspectives and to make sure we are focused on where we need to be first and foremost. We have to remember that our priorities fall in this order: God, self, spouse and family, community, and then church. You may read that and want to push back, and I hear that. But why? Why do you want to push back?

I think it’s often because our systems and priorities are out of order. The reality is our relationship with God is our first priority and then the outflow has to be to our primary relationships which are our families. Community should be next because I would argue if we can’t care well for our immediate communities, we have no business caring for a larger church body.

But the point of this post is to challenge all of us to keep our priorities in check, specifically with our families. When we are home, our family should be our focus. We should leave work at work. Our laptops shouldn’t come on vacations. Phone calls shouldn’t interrupt family time.

This may seem hard, but we need to honor our priorities in the right order. That means we need to share our priorities with our staff teams and church. We need to ask for help and accountability. And we may need to take bold steps like turning on “do not disturb” or removing email apps from our phones. Taking these steps will help us grow closer to our families and show our spouses and kids that they matter the most to us, as they should.

Now I get it. There are always exceptions. But don’t make the excuse that exceptions are the norm. Never sacrifice your family for church. The church will always exist without us, but our families won’t.

At the end of the day, the question we need to ask ourselves is this: am I the husband/wife my spouse needs me to be and deserves, and am I the father/mother my kids need me to be and deserve?

Quick Tip: Remember Your Neighbors

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It is fairly easy for church staff to get focused on their ministry and church because it’s where they work, are involved, and the place that host the people they care for. But if we take a step back and look, we will see that there are other areas in our lives where we should also be invested. The place your spouse or family members work, your neighborhood, your friend group(s), or places and businesses you frequent are just a few of the areas you can and should have an impact in.

We have an opportunity, privilege, and a calling to reach people in all the spheres of which we are a part. Over the course of our marriage, Elise and I have seen these additional areas as opportunities to love and care for others in a variety of ways. When we lived in Iowa, we were able to help neighbors shovel their driveways or get their cars out of snow banks. We also were able to help people with moving when I had a pickup truck we could load up.

Living where we do now in Pennsylvania, we have been able to get to know our neighbors and community even better and God has blessed us with opportunities to care for them. One of our favorite ways to do that comes during the Christmas season. We bake for our neighbors (including the staff at our local pizza shop), deliver the baked goods, and visit with them. It’s looked different year to year. Some years we use pre-made cookie dough or cinnamon rolls, other years we make the cookies from scratch. We’ve delivered rice cereal treats, and this year we may add candied nuts as well. It has become a tradition we love because we get to show our community that they are loved and remembered.

The point of this post though isn’t just to do things at Christmas, but instead to help us all think about how we can care well for the communities of which we are a part. It doesn’t have to be extravagant or involve things that only “people with money” can do. These are simple moments we can utilize to love and care for people and can be as simple as helping someone move, clean up a yard, deliver cookies or a meal, or simply visit with neighbors. This season, and this coming year, let’s make sure to remember and care for our neighbors!