Tag: relationships

Don’t Forget to Have Fun with Your Students

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One of my eighth grade guys loves to rub my head. It’s become a running joke that he will try to sneak up on me and rub or pat my head before I notice him.

Many of my other students love to joke about my gray hair and my “advanced” age. Still others will laugh about my weak ankles and knees. And there’s a handful of students who love to point out that my clothing choices tend to repeat themselves.

There are two responses I could have in these situations. One, I could get frustrated with the joking and shut it down. Or two, I could laugh and have fun with my students.

At the end of the day, their joking doesn’t bother me much and it highlights their comfortability with me and our program. I could choose to be a stick-in-the-mud and respond in an authoritarian way, but I know that will not make our program into what we want it to be: a safe place for our students to be themselves and know Jesus.

In our ministry we are clear on boundaries and rules, especially when it comes to how we engage with and treat one another. This means that when things get pushed too far and we respond to it, our students understand that they stepped over the line.

But here’s the thing: we can still have fun within those boundaries. We can still laugh at what our students say and do when they’re trying to be funny. We can chuckle at the immaturity and lack of self awareness. We can be relaxed and laugh at ourselves along with our students. The other side of the coin is that we could take things personally and try to shape the program and interactions in a way that keeps those moments at bay.

I would recommend the former over the latter because it creates a place where students can be authentic and simply be kids. We were all immature in middle school and high school, we all made jokes, we probably all said something a little out of pocket at some point.

As adults, we should remember how we acted and instead of crying foul and trying to just shut things down, we should instead take a moment to laugh and show students how mature adults can engage, have fun, and respond.

When we can have fun alongside of our students, we are showing them that we see them as more than a number or a child to be watched. We are showing them that we truly value and desire intergenerational discipleship relationships. We are highlighting that we can have fun and engage with them while valuing them and not dismissing them because of their age.

These types of moments create safe and healthy environments for students to be themselves, connect with safe adults, and be shepherded towards Jesus as we all take time to have fun together.

Here is my encouragement to you:

1. Allow your students to be students even if it means a little immaturity, random comments, and lack of self awareness.

2. Laugh along with (and sometimes at – of course not in front of them) your students and what they say or do.

3. Don’t take yourself too seriously and be willing to have fun and take a joke or two.

4. Create an environment that values fun and joy for everyone involved.

By incorporating these elements I cannot guarantee that your program will be perfect but that there will be a lot more joy, laughter, and community within your ministry.

Help! I Don’t Know How to Lead Students

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Sometimes in church life we may find ourselves in a role we never dreamed we’d fill. There may be no one else available, or we may feel God pulling us into a space outside our comfort zone. And sometimes, that may be serving in student ministry.

If this is you, or someone you know, let us encourage you/them. Students are amazing and, in our possibly biased opinion, one of the best groups in the church. While working with them may feel overwhelming, we want to encourage you that if you have a heart for students, you can do it.

The reality is that students crave genuine relationships and connection with others. You don’t need to be the cool leader, you just need to be the leader that genuinely cares, shows up, and listens. The best thing you can do is invest consistently in your students by being present, hearing and seeing them, and fostering a safe place for them to be themselves.

So what are some ways you can do this? Take a look at these tips we hope will get you started and help as you continue in this important ministry.

1. Commit to being present.

This doesn’t just mean showing up to every student ministry event, while that is extremely important. Students do need to see you physically present. It also means being mentally present with your students.

You can be mentally present by putting work and life stressors on the back burner and trying not to bring them with you to youth group. You can also make sure to spend your time with the students, not hanging out with other leaders or playing on your phone.

One of the best ways you can show students how important they are is by giving them your undivided attention when you are with them.

2. Actively listen to your students.

Listening is another way to be present. And while we are to guide and shepherd our students, the first thing they need to learn about us is that we are listening to them. This is how we show them that we genuinely care.

Practice active listening by seeking to understand what your students are saying and why, and by asking thoughtful follow-up questions that continue to foster the conversation. Don’t worry about handing out advice and instruction right away, and don’t listen just to give a response. Show students you are someone who will hear them and wants to know what they have to say.

3. Be yourself and don’t fake it.

Students can spot a fake a mile away, they’re naturally good at it. So do yourself a favor and don’t pretend to be something you’re not. Bring your authentic self to youth group and let that person shine.

The reality is not every single student will click with you, and that’s okay. You’re not there to be everyone’s best friend. But students should be able to see and know the real you, that is one of the best ways you can show them that they matter to you. Give students the respect they deserve by being real with them.

4. Have fun.

If you haven’t been around student ministry before, one thing you need to know about students is that they love to have fun. Whether it’s playing 9 Square, hanging out with their friends, playing sports or music at school, getting crafty and creative, or whatever else they enjoy, students are always up for having a good time.

Since your students like to have fun (and because we serve a God who created a world for us to enjoy), we can also have fun with them. It doesn’t mean you have to do all the things, but you can engage and have fun with them. Laugh, enjoy your time with them, play as you are able, and celebrate with them.

Having fun shows your students that you’re relatable, willing to meet them where they are at, and someone who desires to share life with them. And it can show them that you don’t take yourself too seriously.

If you want to dig a little deeper into leading students, we invite you to check out more of our blog posts! Here are a few to get you started:

Leading Students Well in Chaotic Times

Quick Tip: Giving Students Ownership

Leading Small Groups: Self-Guided Discussion

8 Keys to Building a Successful Student Ministry

Are You Asking the Right Questions?

5 Tips for Leading Well

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What comes to mind when you hear the word “leadership?” Did you feel prepared to step into a leadership role? What does leadership look like in ministry?

I know I definitely wasn’t feeling very prepared when I stepped into ministry. In fact, leadership isn’t something I was taught a lot about in school. Most of my classes were centered on biblical exposition, hermeneutics, running ministries, pastoral care, and things of that nature. Things like leading a team, handling reviews, and balancing a budget were not covered in class. They were things I had to pick up within the throes of ministry.

But as I continued to serve in churches and non-profits, I began to become intimately aware that leadership is more than just being the person in charge. It is about caring for, developing, and empowering your people to lead well.

Most of the resources I gained about effective leadership came from positions I held outside of the church, but can easily be transposed into a ministry context. Today I want to share five principles that have served me well in leading various teams throughout my career.

1. Communicate.

Communication is truly a lost art and it seems to be more so in churches, which is a little odd when you consider that the bulk of our ministry is focused on communication. But good leaders communicate well, often, and clearly. And they don’t communicate just to get their points across but to help them know more and grow in their roles.

Make sure your team and your communities not only hear what you are sharing but also understand what you’re saying. Clarity equals kindness and when we communicate well we help our people step out in leadership.

2. Empower and release.

This is a big step for leaders because it means leading with an open hand and not micromanaging your team. Empowering and releasing your people means trusting them to step out and lead in the way that God has designed them.

At times this may make you feel a little anxious and it may not always go the way you expect it to. But if you continue to empower, disciple, and release your people, you will not only see them rise and flourish, you will see your ministry grow and blossom as well.

3. Embody grace and forgiveness.

When we empower people to lead and give them the opportunity to do so, there will be times people mess up. And it is easy to pass judgement and be critical in how we respond. But that isn’t how Jesus modeled leadership.

When I worked in jobs outside of ministry, we were taught to be harsh in how we responded to our team. We were told to establish our authority and not let it be crossed. But Jesus’s way of leading is radically different.

We are to be servant leaders who model Christ to our teams. That means we embody grace and forgiveness and help our team to flourish even when they mess up. We need to walk with them and challenge them, but not belittle or marginalize them. The church doesn’t need more toxic leadership, it needs grace-filled leadership that models Jesus to our people.

And as a quick aside, remember that this is also true for us as leaders. We will mess up, we will make mistakes. So be willing to own that, to apologize, to seek forgiveness, and look to grow and change. Good leaders not only lead well, they model what they are calling their team to embrace.

4. Grow and develop together.

One thing I’ve heard way too often from ministry leaders is that they don’t need to continue to grow and develop because they have it figured out. Whether it’s because they’ve been in ministry for a long period of time, they have advanced degrees, or they have been to “all” the conferences.

None of those things mean you’ve arrived and know it all. Life, culture, people, and ministry continue to evolve and we need to understand what is happening and be willing to adapt as it does. This means we need to continue growing and developing, and we should be leading our teams in that as well.

Don’t look at this as an isolation role that’s only for the leader of the ministry. Growth and development are key for all of our leaders and we should be helping them to do so. This can be through training, resources, conferences, coaching, peer-to-peer discipleship, coaching groups, or any of the other litany of resources that are available.

5. Have fun.

“Nick, we always know when your team is meeting because it’s loud and you all laugh a lot!”

I remember the first time I heard this and my first response was to shush everyone. But then I realized it wasn’t a critical comment but one that recognized how much our team loves to be together and have fun.

Fun must be an essential part of every team. Whether it’s in how you structure your meetings, taking intentional outings, laughing at dumb mistakes or silly stories, playing games together, or just sharing life, fun is essential because it embodies the life of joy God is calling us to.

Having fun doesn’t mean we aren’t productive. It doesn’t mean we don’t focus. It doesn’t mean we are silly all the time. It means we are embracing the life God has called us to and celebrating it together.

Having fun is something that will not only make you a better leader as it humanizes you, it will make your team stronger and more united as you share life and joy with one another.

What is a leadership tip that you have seen work well in your ministry?

Quick Tip: It Never Hurts to Ask

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“Hey Nick, if you ever need any candy for youth group, all you need to do is ask!” I’ll never forget that conversation with, at that time, a new leader for our middle school ministry. From that point on any candy needs we had, he covered them.

Whether it was providing candy for special events, chocolate bars for s’mores, or just a bag of candy on my desk as a thank you; candy was simply an ask away. But you know what that simple conversation helped me understand? All I needed to do was ask if I had a need.

But here’s the thing: in the past, I have struggled to ask when there’s a need. Whether it’s a pride thing, comfortability, a lack of awareness, or a combination of all the above, I struggled to ask.

Now guess what? When I started to ask, when I shared what our needs were, our church community rallied to our cause. I would never have considered asking about candy being provided, even though we live in an area that has multiple chocolate companies just down the street from our church. But because a volunteer approached me with a way to meet a need, it helped me remember something: the church is in this together and they want our young people to succeed.

So what could you ask for? Of course we all jump to volunteers because that’s what we all need. But what if we saw beyond that? What if we asked for people who would be willing to open their homes or prepare a meal? What if you shared needs for supplies and resources? What if you simply asked?

Over the past couple of years we have begun sharing our needs more openly and it has provided us with so many amazing new relationships, community engagement, and ways to better bless and care for our students and leaders.

Here’s the rub: asking someone for something isn’t bad. It is a huge asset and a way for the church to be the church. But even if the request is denied, remember to say “thank you” and don’t let it defeat you. Keep asking. Keep sharing the need. And watch what God will do through the church body.

Quick Tip: Intentionality at Grad Parties

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If you’re like me, graduation season is in full swing and graduation parties are popping up every weekend. But have you ever asked yourself, “why do I go to these?”

I know I’ve been to ones where I only knew the graduate and their family, and in some cases just the graduate. I’ve been to ones that felt awkward for a variety of reasons. And still others where I stayed for hours on end.

But still, the question of “why do I go” hasn’t been answered. So why do we go? Of course we go for the graduate and to celebrate them, but that cannot be the only reason.

Let’s be honest for a moment: while the graduate may be happy to see us, their focus will be on their friends and family. So if we limit our reason to going to simply to celebrate the graduate (and eat good food), I think we are missing a broader opportunity.

When we practice intentionality at graduation parties, it allows us to have a broader impact as we love and care for our community. If we simply go to just celebrate our graduates, we miss out on intentional moments with parents, families, friends, our leaders, and even complete strangers we may meet in line for the guestbook.

What I would encourage is that we go to celebrate our graduates but also to intentionally engage and invest in the other people who are at the party. If we take the moments we are given and seek to have intentional conversations, love the people present, and celebrate the graduates, we will see the opportunities for engaging with our community flourish and be much more fruitful.

So when you go to grad parties this year, practice intentionality and love your community well. Not only will this make the parties more meaningful but you will also see relationships flourish because of the impact your ministry will have.

5 Ways to Listen Well

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Have you ever been a part of a conversation where it was obvious that the other person wasn’t listening? Perhaps you noticed a glazed look that came over the other person. Or maybe you were able to tell that you weren’t heard by the response the other person gave. Did someone continually try to tell you how to fix the problem but didn’t actually know what the problem was because they never let you fully share what was happening?

I think many—if not all—of us have experienced a time when we weren’t heard. But allow me to pose a different question within the same topic: have you ever been guilty of not listening well? Hits a little different doesn’t it? If we were all to take a deeper look into our own interactions we may notice that we are just as guilty of not always listening well.

So the question before us is simple to state but perhaps more complex in the intentionality we must implement: how do we listen well? I want to share a few simple ways to do this, but also to highlight that these aren’t fix-alls. It starts with our heart and intentionality in building authentic relationships that honor and dignify both individuals as we seek to reflect the love and personhood of Jesus.

1. Listen to understand not problem solve.

If you’re like me, you may be someone who wants to fix whatever problem you are given. However, some people just want you to listen, understand, and empathize with them. When we listen to fix the problem we will miss what the actual problem is, we devalue the other person by not actually listening to them, and we are looking to make ourselves the hero rather than just a friend. Instead we should listen to understand which values the other person and builds trust and rapport between both of you.

2. Ask clarifying questions.

Listening well means you are seeking clarity and understanding. In order to accomplish that well, we need to ask clarifying questions. This highlights that you were listening and that you truly want to understand what is happening as you walk in community with the other person.

3. Allow people to finish their thoughts.

I find myself often wanting to jump into a conversation before I should. I assert my thoughts before the other person has finished talking. I try to finish other people’s sentences, and I try to discern where the conversation is going before it actually arrives at that point.

But there is an inherent problem in all of these above things: it tells the other person their perspectives, thoughts, and insights do not matter because you have it all figured out. It actually devalues them and elevates us. Instead we should seek to truly listen and allow others to fully articulate themselves as we seek to understand.

4. Be fully present and not distracted.

It is so easy to get distracted during conversations. There’s things happening around us, different noises, technology, phones and watches buzzing, and a litany of other things competing for our time and attention. Many of us have experienced people being distracted while we talk to them and we know how that makes us feel. That means we should strive to do the opposite as we care well for our people.

We should be present and do whatever we can to minimize distractions. That can be switching on “do not disturb” on our devices, shutting a door, putting our backs to distractions, or anything else that will help us to focus and be present.

5. Be responsive.

When we are actively engaged in listening well, we should show that in our actions, reactions, facial expressions, and verbal responses. When we respond to what people say, it helps to highlight our engagement and attention to the other person. This comes through our body language, shifting our positions, leaning into the conversation, giving verbal responses, appropriate emotional responses, and making sure we are looking at the other person.

The more we listen well the more we will see our relationships flourish and grow in authenticity as we seek to love and value others.

Quick Tip: Caring for Leaders

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Have you ever had a leader experience loss? How did you respond? Has a leader on your team ever had a surgery or prolonged illness? Was there a celebratory moment like a college or graduate school graduation? Has there been a birth or adoption within your community?

When it comes to caring for our people, we need to practice intentional community and support for them. Often we can default to monetary care, and while that can be a part of caring well, we can and should be thinking about different opportunities to love and support our community. But what are some additional ways to care well during difficult or celebratory moments?

  1. Send a personal handwritten note or card.
  2. Pray with and for the individual.
  3. Visit with them and make sure you have allotted the appropriate amount of time to visit.
  4. Send flowers and/or balloons.
  5. Send a gift card to your local supermarket or DoorDash to help provide meals.
  6. Start a meal train and bring a meal by yourself.
  7. Encourage your youth group to write cards to the individual.
  8. Put together a gift basket with contributions from your leaders and/or youth group.
  9. Help out with any service projects around the home and encourage your students to help with these.
  10. Check in and see if they need help with childcare or pet sitting.
  11. Ask families to contribute to any of the above ideas.

These aren’t meant to be a catch all, but instead to challenge us to think creatively when it comes to caring well for our people. We want them to know they are seen, loved, and missed and these are just some options that help us to think outside of our normal ways of doing things.

Quick Tip: Build Authentic Friendships

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Ministry is lonely. There’s no denying it. Depending on your context and setting, it may be felt in substantially larger ways.

In my context it seems like everyone knows me because of my job. It’s always, “Hi, Nick” in the supermarket or “Hello, pastor” at the gas station. The reality is that it’s often hard to build authentic friendships in my context because I’m always seen as a “pastor” rather than just another person trying to follow Jesus and be authentic with others.

If I’m honest, that reality actually led me to keep authentic friendships at arms length for a very long time, which led to increased loneliness that grew exponentially during the global pandemic. That became the tipping point for me and I realized I truly needed to have authentic friendships in order to continue to not just make it through life but also to thrive.

That meant I needed to take a risk and realize that I would have to open myself up to others and deal with past hurt from other friendships. In doing so, I had to identify that not every friendship will work out, nor will every friend hurt me like some had in the past. If you’ve been hurt or betrayed, you know just how difficult it is to open yourself up again, and the entire premise of this article probably leaves you feeling anxious and unsure.

I get it. Even as I write this, I can’t help but rehash past friendships that left me hurt and broken. But can I offer you some hope? There are authentic and meaningful friendships that exist and can offer the healing, community, and depth that we all need.

Let me also encourage you to look for friendships outside of your normal contexts. Yes, look within your communities and church, but recognize you may need to look elsewhere. Sometimes you need a safe place to process and be honest about work and what is happening within that context.

Consider reaching out to other youth workers in your community. Join a cohort. Find networks in your area. Utilize social media groups to find ways to connect with others. Consider reaching out to friends from college. Connect with coaching organizations and see if they have networks. Talk to former youth pastors and see if they could be mentors and friends. Reach out to your denomination (if you’re a part of one) and ask about connection opportunities. The broader your target, the more potential you have to find something that works.

Yes, there is risk with this but I can promise you the reward is great. I’ve been able to build lasting friendships from cohorts, college, and within our church community. All of which have been of great benefit to me and I am forever grateful.

Let me encourage and challenge you to seek out friendships that allow you and the other person(s) to truly be authentic and be for one another. Take a risk and be willing to trust others. You’ll be the better for it.

Tips for Communicating Expectations with Your Team

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Have you ever felt like you didn’t know what was expected of you? Has a review ever caught you off guard? Were you ever confused when you found out you were doing smothering incorrectly?

I think most, if not all, of us have been there. We know the feeling of expectations not being communicated. We know those feelings and tensions. The sad reality is we may not be able to change how others, even our supervisors, handle those moments but we can decide how we approach them.

We can lead from the second chair and lead by example to our supervisors, but we can also lead well with our teams. That includes how we communicate our expectations. Today I want to share a few key ways we can do that well.

Think through how you’d like people to communicate with you.

When we reflect on how we want to be communicated with, that should impact how we communicate with others. We know what matters to us, we understand how we experience value and appreciation, and we know what makes us feel dismissed and unseen. Utilize that knowledge to guide how you communicate and express your expectations to your team.

Be clear in your communications.

Sometimes in an effort to soften our approach, care well for others, and (if we are honest) seem like the hero of our story, we can muddy our communication by adding more verbiage that isn’t necessary. Instead, what we need to do is be thoughtful and intentional with our words as we seek to be clear in our communications. Clarity is kindness, and when our communication is clear, our people have a better understanding of what is being asked of them.

Be clear with expectations.

Ambiguity never helps anyone. If we don’t give clear expectations, we will never be satisfied with the results because we haven’t set up our team to meet the expectations. We are setting our people up to fail and for ourselves to be disappointed and discouraged.

Instead, know what your expectations are and clearly communicate them to your team. I would strongly encourage you to consider putting your expectations in writing so that you have something you can come back to.

Never assume.

This is a big part of expectations. Often when there are unspoken or unmet expectations we can jump to conclusions about the other person(s) and assume various things about them. But this isn’t just with unspoken or unmet expectations, we do this even when expectations are clearly communicated. We assume motive or rationale or even heart attitudes and this is never a safe place to be.

When we start to play God by assuming, we truly make ourselves out to be the donkey that doesn’t know our head from our behind. In those moments we actually end up hurting others and ourselves by creating brokenness in the relationship, which can actually lead to loss of said relationship.

Honor your expectations.

One thing I would strongly encourage is that if you have expectations for your team, hold yourself to those expectations. We have all had experiences with leaders whose motto is “do as I say not as I do.” And if we are honest with ourselves, that type of leader is hard to work for and with. It’s a frustrating place to be and we know that tension well.

Instead, let me challenge each of us to be the leaders we desire and honor the expectations we give to our team. If we are asking for timely communication, we need to make sure we are doing the same. If you want your team to communicate in a certain manner, make sure you exemplify it. If there are office hours and out of office hours, make sure you reflect that in your schedule as well.

When a team is held to the same expectations and the leader is the first to hold to them, you will see a team that is unified and collaborative instead of divided and hurting.

What are some ways that you communicate expectations with your people?

7 Reasons to Conduct Mission Trip Interviews

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It’s been a very busy couple of weeks for my team and me. We recently launched applications for our summer mission trips and now we are conducting interviews. That means a lot more hours added into our weekly schedules to be able to intentionally meet with each applicant before we confirm they are on the team.

I know some of you may read this and go, “You do applications and interviews for a mission trip?! That’s intense and a lot of extra work!” Believe me I hear you on that. It does add a little more weightiness to applying for the trip and it does add more to our schedules. But there very clear wins and benefits to requiring an application and interview.

1. It helps us know our team better.

This is a big one for me because of the size of our youth group. I don’t know all of my students as well as I wish I could, so these moments help me to get to know them on a deeper level.

Regardless of the size of youth group, interview and application questions help you understand more about your students, their faith journeys, their strengths and weaknesses, and their reasons for joining the team.

2. It provides insight into how we structure our training.

When you get to know your team better it allows you to shape how your training looks. If you know your team needs to be equipped in better interpersonal skills, you can incorporate team building moments that focus on communicating and relationship building. If your team needs to understand more about sharing their faith or ministering in a different environment, you can focus in on equipping them.

These interviews allow you to better understand your team and shape the training to make this trip the most beneficial for them.

3. It generates buy-in.

Having an application and/or interview process generates buy-in because it requires effort and intentionality on the part of the applicant. The process doesn’t need to be crazy long but it should require thoughtful and intentional responses and highlight the importance of the trip. These moments help to ensure your team has the right reasons for going and that they understand what is expected of them.

4. It humanizes the process.

Sometimes just going through a sign-up process or application can feel clinical. But when you add in a face-to-face interview it allows you to put the process on a more personal level and gives you the opportunity to be intentional with your students.

I have found that on applications and in interviews students are incredibly honest about themselves. That affords us the opportunity to truly care for and walking alongside our students in highly relational and intentional ways throughout the trip and beyond.

5. It allows us to see strengths and pressure points.

Part of my rationale in conducting interviews is it allows me to get to know my team better and it highlights pressure points and strengths that each member brings to the table. In understanding that, I am able to see potential opportunities and flare ups that may come up during the training and/or the trip itself. This helps me to both prepare and engage with those responses in proactive ways rather than having to be reactive in the moment.

6. It helps us prepare for interpersonal relationships and conflicts.

This is similar to the previous point, but it takes it a step further and looks specifically at the relational moments that will occur. If you’ve ever gone on a trip with students or witnessed them interact at youth group, you know that there are moments where there is tension, differing personalities, and conflicts.

Now put those components into the context of a mission trip. Emotions are heightened, spiritual growth is happening in rapid succession, students are confronted with their own humanity and necessity for God, lack of sleep, new environments, and all the feels and it can seem like a powder keg is about to blow up. But when you conduct interviews it enables you to see where those potential flare ups may be and therefore allows you to prepare and/or circumvent them beforehand.

7. It helps us as leaders prepare for the trip.

Mission trip interviews take a long time and add a lot more to my schedule. But hear me out on this: while it makes a few weeks busier for me, it actually makes the trips easier. Why? Because I am better prepared.

I know my team. I know more about what needs to be done to equip the team. I have a better understanding of what the dynamics will be during the trip. I have insight into each person and how to care well for them. All of these things empower me to be a better leader and to be more equipped to lead my team well.

Have you done trip interviews before? What’s your go-to question?