Tag: difficult

Quick Tip: Admitting When You Mess Up

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Alright, I’ll admit it. This last week I made a huge goof. Earlier in the summer we let all of our leaders know when our fall training would be and many of them were excited because we had reserved an amazing offsite venue. It is perfect and it meets all of our needs.

But here’s the problem: I gave my team of volunteers the wrong date. I actually told them it was a week later than when we had reserved the location. When I realized my mistake (which was way too late) I hastily fired off a text saying I sent the wrong date and here’s the correct one. But I did so with less than a week’s notice. This ended up frustrating many of our volunteers, it meant multiple leaders couldn’t attend because they specifically reserved the previous date on their calendars, and it caused a lot of tension and questions.

Long story short, we ended up working with the venue and we were able to keep our original training dates but not without me causing a lot of unnecessary tension and frustration. I messed up, and I know that in the big scheme of things it wasn’t that big of an issue, but I still messed up and it caused people to have frustration and tension. So I knew I had to apologize. I had made a mistake, multiple ones in fact, and I needed to own that.

And you know what happened? My leaders understood. They laughed about it. They poked fun at me in loving ways. They showed up to training. They still love our ministry and students. They are still serving.

Here’s the thing though: when it comes to mistakes, we as leaders need to live out what Jesus commands us to do and that is to seek forgiveness when we mess up. Yes, even we as leaders mess up, we aren’t immune to that. When we mess up we must take ownership and lead out of humility and a willingness to admit our wrongs. A good leader is one who will admit when they mess up and seeks to right the wrong.

Now please hear me in this: I am speaking in broad terms. We must always lead from a posture of humility and seek forgiveness when we mess up. But there are also times when we need to submit to authority over us because of our wrong and regardless of what we have done, face the consequences.

We are still broken people who are trying to lead as God has called us, but we aren’t immune from making mistakes, both small and large. Look to model Christ’s approach to leadership and you will find that when it comes to admitting wrong and seeking forgiveness, while it may not be easy, you’ll be more comfortable and willing to do so.

All that to say, the greatest two words you can ever utilize in ministry are, “I’m sorry.” Don’t be afraid or unwilling to use them.

5 Healthy Ways to Engage with Conflict

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Have you ever found yourself in the midst of an unavoidable conflict? Have you felt the tensions rise, the frustrations grow, and your spirit become overwhelmed?

Perhaps you have had conflict with your supervisors. Maybe you and a certain elder(s) don’t see eye to eye. It could be a volunteer that disagrees with the direction of your program. Maybe there’s tension between you and a couple of parents.

Even suggesting these scenarios may have triggered various emotions, thoughts, and tensions. I get it. I’ve been there. I’ve had all of these scenarios and more play out during my time in ministry, and honestly in all of my career journeys. The truth of the matter is conflict is unavoidable. It exists and it will always find ways to manifest in our lives as a result of the fall.

We have to understand that because we are broken people living in a fallen world, conflict will always find a way into our lives. The question though is not how do we avoid conflict, it’s how do we engage it well? If conflict is going to be a reality we must deal with, what are some steps and applications we can utilize to walk through it in a healthy way?

1. Actively seek to grow and mature.

Before the conflict begins, during the conflict, and after it is over, you should be looking to grow and mature. This isn’t in just one area but in all aspects. We should focus on relational, spiritual, educational, and mental maturity and seeking to grow as followers of Christ.

2. See the best in others and their intentions.

This can be difficult at times and we immediately want to say, “But you don’t know them or the context!” Yes, there are individuals and circumstances that are problematic and can have intentions that are anything but healthy and Christ-like. But that shouldn’t keep us from attempting to see the best in the people, organizations, and circumstances.

3. Engage with spiritual rhythms.

I was recently challenged to fast while preparing for an upcoming meeting that could have far reaching implications for our church. While I engaged with this rhythm, I began to see the way I prayed and focused on God changed and grew. My heart and mind truly shifted their focus and I began to have a greater sense of where God was guiding the upcoming conversation and direction for our church.

If we approach upcoming conversations that may have the potential to be difficult with our hearts and minds being centered on Christ, we will better be prepared for those moments and will be better suited to respond from a Christ-centered heart.

4. Cover the conflict in prayer.

I think when it comes to conflicts, we engage with prayer in specific ways. We pray going into it because we’re anxious and frustrated. We may pray during it because tensions are high. And periodically we may pray after the conflict is done because we’re thankful it’s over or frustrated it didn’t go our way. But prayer isn’t meant to be an afterthought or something we only do in the moments of tension or angst. It is something we should be doing constantly.

This means that prior to any conflict even starting, we should be praying for a Christ-like attitude and heart so we can approach those moments as He would. We need to be praying for the people involved and for God to work in everyone’s life. We should not be praying for our preferred outcome, but for God to do what needs to be done. When we engage in conflict from a Christ-centered mindset we are reshaping how we see ourselves, others, and the tension at hand. In essence, we are engaging in spiritual growth as we walk through these moments by allowing God to work in and through us as we approach Him through prayer.

5. Reflect on your own heart and motivations.

This is perhaps one of the hardest things to do in these situations. It is often in moments of conflict that we want to run with our emotions and desires. It’s when we want to prove we are right. It is when we desire to validate what we have been feeling and fight for our position. I get it, I really do.

Of course we want to hold to our convictions and validate our position. But have you ever stopped to ask why? Why is it so important to be right? Have you paused to consider what would happen if you didn’t have to win? What if you just listened and sought to understand? By taking the time to reflect on your own motivations and where your heart is, it allows you to take a spiritual checkup of your life and to assess your reasons for how you progress and it guides the steps you need to take.

Bonus tip: Go to trusted advisors and mentors for insight.

Often times it is easy to go to friends and peers who empathize with you and will tell you you’re in the right and support you no matter what. But in order to engage in a healthy way, it is beneficial to have someone you trust who will speak truth to you because they will lovingly tell you if you have messed up. This is a must to engage conflict from a healthy perspective because we may not always see our missteps due to our own blind spots.

How to Handle Getting Fired

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Disclaimer: This post is not a reflection of anything happening currently in our lives. It instead is a response to seeing numerous people share about being let go immediately following this holiday season and over the start of the new year.

Over the course of my adult life, I have been fired or let go twice. Once was from a non-ministry job where I was told, “I’m letting you go so you can go find a job in ministry somewhere.” Mind you, I didn’t have a job to go to and was a couple weeks out from getting married. The second was from a ministry position. I was the low man on the totem pole and was told I had hit my glass ceiling and was done. Thankfully, a mentor advocated on my behalf and negotiated for me to stay on until I could find a new job so we could continue to pay our bills and make ends meet.

I share this with you not to gain sympathy but to highlight that I get it. I have had multiple conversations with friends and peers who are going through difficult moments of transition. I’ve heard the stories of when those moments are handled well and handled poorly. The emotions that are felt in those times are raw, honest, tense, and reflective of our passion for reaching students and our communities.

The truth is that we can respond either poorly or proactively in those moments, and I can say I have responded in both ways during those two circumstances. My emotions have gotten the better of me, my Jersey boy sarcasm has made appearances, and I have also responded out of hurt and pain. But in the other circumstance I responded well and didn’t let my emotions drive me, and handled it with maturity and respect.

As I have been hearing the stories from my friends and peers, I became acutely aware that no one ever wants to be fired and rarely are we expecting it. But the truth of the matter is some, if not all, of us will experience this at some point. It doesn’t have to be because you did something wrong or weren’t a good employee. It could be due to budget cuts, church issues, or leadership transitions.

The truth that we need to grapple with is this: are we prepared should this happen to us? I’m not arguing that we should live in fear or angst, but instead should be thinking through how we respond in difficult moments and how are we protecting our hearts and minds. That’s the goal of today’s post, to help us be proactive and willing to grow and prepare should this moment arise in our ministry career.

Be mindful of your emotions and responses.

Let’s just be honest with one another. Emotions are going to be high and tense in these moments. We go through all the feelings and our minds are racing. It is easy to run with knee-jerk responses, to respond out of anger, frustration, disbelief, and hurt. But often when we do respond from those places, we respond poorly and say things that are hurtful and things we will regret.

Instead, my encouragement is for you to be mindful of your emotions and responses. A great way to work through this in the moment is to pause before you respond. Count to 10 and make sure you are breathing and not just gearing up for a fight. Pause and offer a quick prayer for discernment, grace, and a proper response.

Another helpful response would be to ask for time to process and continue the conversation when appropriate. This doesn’t always work out, nor is it always appropriate or even applicable. But it is a way to allow space to make sure you have gotten your mind and heart in check and it affords you an opportunity to process. A few encouragements I would offer are to not respond from anger, don’t attack or accuse, and seek to understand and respond as Christ would.

Be thoughtful and Christ-honoring in how you speak of things and people.

I am not saying you shouldn’t speak the truth about what happened, but let’s be real: it’s easy to allow our emotions and tensions to drive us toward gossip, bitterness, and playing the victim. I’m not saying that you weren’t treated poorly, nor am I saying you aren’t the victim in this circumstance. But we–as is true of all people–are prone to presenting a skewed approach and perspective, because receiving encouragement and having people take our side feels good and vindicating.

Instead, what I am challenging all us to do is to be mindful of what we say and how we say it. Don’t badmouth the church or its leaders. Don’t try to draw sides or seek to further divide the church. And remember that while what happened may be unfair, cruel, and just completely wrong, you can still speak about others and the church in a manner that honors Christ. Truth can still be spoken, but be thoughtful about how, why, when, and to whom you say it.

One of the best ways this has been explained to me is to think about concentric circles. Think of your closest group of friends and confidantes. They are the inner most circle, the ones you can share almost everything if not everything with (spouse, best friends, etc.). Now imagine a second circle that is placed around the first circle but is slightly larger. This represents a different group. This may be friends, people in a small group, or volunteers. For this group you can share information and what happened but you don’t share as much because they aren’t as close to you. This continues outward until it encompasses all the appropriate people. The further out the circles go, the less you share with them. This is not because you don’t value them or want them to know, but everyone doesn’t need to know all the details.

Ask thoughtful questions.

In these moments you can ask clarifying questions and seek understanding for why things are progressing in this manner and where they go from here. Ask why you’re being let go if it hasn’t been stated. Look for clarity into what could have been done differently for all parties. Seek to understand the timeline and compensation if there is any.

I am not saying you will get the answers and responses you want, and there may be times you don’t get any answers. But being able to pose questions will help you to process and prayerfully gain insight. Another way to go about this, especially if you are an internal processor, is to ask for 24 hours to think on everything and to come back with questions. Depending on your office environment and leadership this may or may not happen, but if they’ll allow it, you would have time and space to work through your questions as you seek clarity.

Bring in an advocate.

If you think you are being treated unfairly or unjustly, consider bringing in an advocate to help you move through this transition. It could be a trusted supervisor, a mentor, or even a pastor from another church. I will say this: be mindful of how you approach this. It isn’t often that people will have a heads up that they are getting fired, so you may not be able to bring an advocate to the plenary meeting. Instead, what you can do is ask to meet again and to bring someone with you to help you process and work through everything.

I will be honest with you and say that this approach depends on the leadership and also how you respond in the first meeting. If leadership truly is leading well and seeking to handle this situation in a God-honoring manner, then they will be more open to engaging in this way. But it is also dependent upon you. Your attitude and response in that first meeting is key. If you respond out of anger or talk about the leadership after the meeting in a way that causes more tension and heartache, they will be less inclined to meet with you.

Do not contribute to church dissension.

It is so easy in these moments to paint ourselves as the victim and to seek to rally our supporters to our side. And yes, many of us have been and will be victims of broken leadership and we will want to know people support us and see that it wasn’t fair. That is the reality of the human condition. But what isn’t right or okay is contributing to the brokenness or increasing it.

We should seek to be part of the solution and not part of the problem, striving to live in a Christlike manner and to reflect that to the people around us. That doesn’t mean you need to lie or pretend like everything is okay. But it does mean you can speak with tact, grace, and compassion. This isn’t easy, believe me, I know. But seeking to help churches heal and grow instead of contributing to the tension and ongoing brokenness will be helpful for the people you care for.

Ways You Can Show Pastoral Care

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An unexpected phone call that lasts for an hour. The random office drop-by that should have only been fifteen minutes but has now exceeded more than an hour. Helping the individual who stops by to seek aid from your church. The call from the school stating they need crisis counselors. Being the on-call person when someone requests visitation. Handling the untimely death of a church member.

Do any of these scenarios sound familiar? Have you had to deal with one of these moments or perhaps multiple ones? Schooling and training can help prepare you with knowledge and skill sets, and they will often try to help you grow, sharpen, and embrace your pastoral heart. When these moments happen though, often we can feel lost, scared, and unprepared. The question we need to consider is how do we engage these moments as shepherds and care for the people that God has placed in our care.

We must be prepared to love and care for people well. This is something that Jesus modeled and called His disciples to embrace. We are to care for the hurting, the broken, and the forgotten. We have the privilege of being the hands and feet of Jesus in how we love and care for our people. Today, I want to share with you a few ways that you can show the pastoral care that Jesus modeled to the people under your care.

Listen well.

When you’re listening to someone, how do you listen? Are you listening just for key phrases? Are you listening to find a solution or to fix the problem? Are you listening to hear them, empathize with them, and to offer guidance? I don’t say this because any of those styles of listening are wrong, but to challenge us to think about how we listen.

If someone’s talking to us and sharing their struggles and pain, and all we do is look for a solution they are going to feel dismissed and not cared for. If you’re only listening for key phrases the individual won’t feel seen or understood because you may miss the intricacies of their struggles. Listening well will show love and care, as well as validate and humanize the person you’re talking to as they share their struggles.

Ask clarifying questions.

This goes hand-in-hand with listening well. In order to engage and care for the people under your care you need to be listening and asking good questions. That doesn’t mean jumping in mid-sentence but instead it might involve you writing down your questions to engage with the person further after they finish their thought. Questions help the person feel seen and heard, and by asking thoughtful and clarifying questions you are validating that individual and showing them that you care.

Empathize and sympathize.

Emotions are a gift from God and based upon who He is. Throughout Scripture we see a God who shows anger, a God who delights in His creation, a God who mourns, and so many other emotions. In fact, simply studying the life of Jesus will highlight how important emotions are for shepherds.

When Jesus goes to see His friend Lazarus who is ill and suddenly passes, we see how deeply this affects Jesus when Mary approaches Him. Jesus doesn’t dismiss her cares. He doesn’t say, “Don’t you know what God can do” or, “Just trust God, He will get you through this.” And He doesn’t just sit by passively. He grieves. He embraces the hurt and pain that His friends are experiencing and He steps into it willingly with them. This is a beautiful picture of the privilege we have as shepherds to walk with and be in the midst of the difficult moments with our people. Showing empathy and sympathy helps people to know we care and understand but it also validates the pain and difficulty they are experiencing.

I will caution you with this: don’t fake it or embellish it. Nothing could harm your ministry to that person more in that moment than faking a response or trying to make it a show. People can sniff out someone who is faking it very quickly and it will feel dehumanizing and mocking toward that person. Instead, embrace your personality and seek to show empathy and sympathy in appropriate ways that reflect who you are as you shepherd your people.

Be fully present.

Let’s be honest: it’s easy to get distracted sometimes. Our minds wander and we may start to fidget with different items. Or if we are on the phone with someone maybe we start to scroll through the internet or draft an email. But put yourself in the other person’s shoes: how would you feel if someone did that to you? Better yet, how would you feel if you could know the other person’s thoughts and whether or not they were paying attention as you shared your hurt and pain with them? It wouldn’t feel good and would probably make you stop sharing and walk out.

When we are listening to people we need to be fully present. Don’t allow distractions to occupy your time, don’t daydream or be elsewhere in your mind, don’t look at your watch or phone, and don’t do something else while listening. Be present and engaged. Focus on what the individual is sharing. Maintain eye contact. Ask clarifying questions. By doing this you are wholly engaging with them and showing them that they and their circumstances are important.

Pray for and with them.

One of the most important things you can do when someone comes for guidance and care is to pray with them. This doesn’t simply have to be at the end but can be throughout the time together. Regardless of when you incorporate this, make sure your prayer reflects what was shared, embraces the emotions that were displayed, validates that individual, and seeks guidance and comfort from God. Prayers should be intentional and reflect what was discussed, and they should also incorporate requests fromthe individual. Praying for peace, guidance and direction, for hope, for forgiveness, or whatever else is needed is key.

Be willing to give up time.

This is a tough point to make because the reality is we could give up all of our time and sacrifice other relationships and priorities easily because we will rationalize that it is for ministry purposes and therefore is correct to do. What I am not advocating for is consistently sacrificing other priorities and relationships, but making thoughtful and intentional choices when it comes to caring for your people.

You may need to skip or delay another meeting. Perhaps you need to text your spouse that you’ll be leaving a little later. Maybe message prep gets put on the back burner. Your lunch plans may be canceled. Weighing the importance is key and we must be willing to give up time even when it isn’t opportune. As shepherds, we must be willing to care for our sheep even when it isn’t ideal or convenient.

Follow through.

I’m horrible with remembering to do things. In fact, if you were to ask our volunteers does Nick remember things you tell him on a youth group night, they would say, “Only if we text him or email him.” When there’s tons of things going on, I will most likely forget something. In order to remember things I need to write them down or put a reminder in my phone.

This practice is also important when we care for our people. If you say you are going to pray for them, make sure you do. If you promise to reach out to them, set a reminder so you follow through on that promise. If you say you will connect them with counselors or assistance, do that as soon as you can. Following through shows our people that it wasn’t just a one-off conversation, but instead it is an ongoing opportunity to love and care for your people.

7 Tips to Care for Hurting People

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“Hey Nick, sorry I haven’t been here in a while.”
“It’s all good. How are you doing?”
“Not good. My uncle just died.”

In the span of a few seconds at youth group I was immediately aware of how deeply one of our students was hurting. After their reply I could see the pain etched in their face and in their body language. They were hurting and I knew that they needed to have people love and care for them.

“How are you doing with all of that? That’s a lot to handle.”
“I’m trying to put on a brave face because if I think about it or talk about I’m going to cry.”
My heart broke in that moment for that student and for a pain I couldn’t fix.

Most of us have had moments like this regardless of where we serve in ministry. When you’re in a position that involves working with and caring for people, you will be acutely aware of their pains and hurts. As someone much wiser than me once said, “Proximity breeds empathy.” Today, I want to offer you seven ways you can effectively and meaningfully care for people who are hurting.

1. Be present.

One of the best things you can do is simply be fully present in the lives of people who are hurting. It’s so easy to feel the pull of distractions especially on a youth group night, but the more focused you are on the individual, the more they will be seen and cared for. That may mean moving out of a loud space, it may mean shifting your schedule for the night, and it most definitely means not looking at a clock or your phone. Being present involves a physical, emotional, spiritual, and mental presence when caring for hurting people.

2. Involve their community.

Whether it’s their small group leaders, friends, or other staff members, bringing in people (when appropriate) to walk with and be for the individual(s) is key. They can organize meal trains, sit with the individual, take them out, and love them in tangible ways. Look to bring in a village to walk with, care for, and love on those who are hurting so they know they aren’t alone or forgotten.

3. Empathize and sympathize appropriately.

When caring for people who are hurting, a natural response is to grieve with them. We feel their burdens, we hurt with them, and we sit in the pain with them. What isn’t okay is to fake those feelings–instead, just be yourself–or to tell them you fully understand and feel the same way (unless you’ve experienced the same thing).

I had a coworker who struggled with severe chronic pain. They functioned at a pain threshold of 7-8 out of 10 on a daily basis. We were praying for them at a staff meeting and we asked how we could walk with them. Their response: sit with me, cry with me, but don’t tell me you understand because you don’t and it feels dismissive. If we try to tell our people we understand their pains when we have never experienced them, we minimize what they’re experiencing and they feel unseen and unloved. Make sure to choose your words wisely and to love well when empathizing and sympathizing with others.

4. Send them something.

Giving something may sound like the easy approach, but when it is coupled with the other aspects of care, it is a tangible way of loving your people. When someone experiences a loss we can send flowers, or a meal, or a gift card with a handwritten note to let them know they are seen and loved. Depending on the circumstance and person, what is sent will change. We want to send something meaningful and heartfelt that helps the individual and their family to know they are seen and loved.

5. Follow up.

It isn’t just about being present in the moment, but also about ongoing care. Pain doesn’t just dissipate after a brief interaction, we often sit with that pain for days, weeks, and months. Pain and grief are long term emotions and we need to be engaging and following up with our people. Making sure to check in, to grab coffee, to be present when needed (i.e. funeral arrangements), and to let them know they aren’t going through this alone are paramount to caring well for your people.

6. Listen well.

Sometimes I tend to interject in conversations without listening fully. I’m a fixer at heart and I want to do my best to help and care for my people. But by not listening well or only listening to find solutions, you are actually devaluing the people you care for because you are dismissing them and their problems. So listen well. Sit and allow for people to process and grieve. Allow for there to be silence and wait to see if the individual is done before you start to share.

7. Know your limitations.

Sometimes we want to do all we can to care for people, but we often do that even when it is beyond our capacities or abilities. Instead of trying to be all things to those who are hurting, let me encourage you to simply be you and to know when you can and can’t do certain things. If someone needs to speak with a counselor and you aren’t trained or equipped to do so, connect them with someone who is. This should be our approach not because we don’t care but because we do! Caring well for people means connecting them with the right individuals and resources that they need in all circumstances.

Is it Wrong to Seek Advancement?

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When was the last time you thought about advancement in your position? Do you have any idea what that might look like? Does your church have a policy or program in place to help you advance and grow in your position?

How did those questions make you feel? I think that when many people enter into ministry they don’t often think about advancement. Sure, there might be the thought that advancement is “becoming the senior pastor,” but I would assert this is a false sense of advancement because not everyone is called to be a senior pastor.

Many people are called to be pastors but in a variety of roles because that is how God designed and gifted them. But if that is true, shouldn’t there be an opportunity to grow and advance in those positions? The answer is and should be “yes,” whether or not that is seen and understood by your superiors.

Before we even get to what your supervisors may think and desire for you, we must begin by looking internally to ascertain if this is the appropriate and needed advancement for ourselves. In order to help determine if you are correctly looking for advancement, it is helpful to ask the following questions.

Ask: Why?

There are a lot of “why” questions we could pose here. Why do I want this? Why am I not advancing? Why is advancement a good thing? Why should I want to advance? Asking “why” is all about authenticity. Are you being honest with yourself and with your employers? Was it your intent when you got hired to move forward? What does that even mean for you…what about for your church?

When we are thinking about advancement, the “why” question should force us to look inward. There are great reasons to move toward advancement, but there can also be selfish reasons that guide our desires. So by asking why, you are forcing yourself to think critically about your reasoning and desires.

Ask: What is my goal?

Often when we think about advancement we are thinking about position, title, and financial status. While none of these are inherently wrong, we should be aware of our true heart motivation for desiring advancement. I’ve worked in ministry circles long enough to watch people treat various ministries like stepping stones to get to the desired position of senior pastor. We can debate for days on why this is, the way churches are structured, how ministry schools train you to think, and the way churches elevate that position over others, but that would be missing the point.

The point is sometimes we value aspects of advancement that shouldn’t be our focus or desire. In ministry, we are called to shepherd and disciple those whom God has entrusted to our care, and to simply look for advancement without consideration of our true calling wouldn’t be honoring of that calling. I am not saying you shouldn’t think about yourself, your family, or your financial status, but we should be discerning our true goal. As we do this, it helps us think critically about how we minister and care for our people and it should also shape the authenticity we show to our church.

Ask: Whose desire is this?

Is it God’s desire or your own? You may have a desire or reason to seek advancement that is completely appropriate. You may need to advance to better support your family or pay off your debt. Those are valid and important reasons. However, there are times our desires aren’t centered properly, and that means we need to wisely discern whose desire we are following.

A metric we need to remember is that while our desires may not be wrong or improper, they aren’t ultimate. If you’re just getting an education to “move up” in your career, you aren’t necessarily listening to what God is saying, nor are you paying attention to the people you have been called to shepherd. Often our desires and God’s can go hand-in-hand, but there will be times that they don’t. A great way to help you discern this would be to bring an honest, trusted friend and mentor into the conversation to help you see whose desire you are following. Allow them to speak truth and help guide you in this process.

Ask: What does advancement mean for me?

Acknowledging what advancement looks like for you is important because it allows you to assess where you want to be and how you’re going to get there. It also gives you a starting point for conversations with your church and ministry. They may see advancement in terms of helping you grow in knowledge and education, but you may define it by title, position, or pay scale. Being able to define what advancement looks like gives you the ability to clearly and concisely communicate it. When you communicate what you see advancement as, it allows you to compare your perspective to that of your church and to see if they are in alignment.

At the end of the day, advancement isn’t wrong, but it is important to discern why we are seeking it, and how we are going about obtaining it. Growing and advancing in a career field is important, but it shouldn’t come at the cost of people. That goes for congregants and for you and your family. You should never see a ministry or church as a stepping stone or a means to an end, and likewise you shouldn’t just stay in a position if it is causing hurt and pain to you and your family. Discernment and wisdom from God and trusted mentors should always be a metric you seek out in this part of your career, and you should always be checking your heart.

My advice: always be a learner, always seek to grow, be honest about your desires and where your heart is, and always remember the calling God has given to you. Advancement isn’t wrong, but how we go about obtaining it is key.

You Are Not Alone: What to Do When You Feel Like It

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Ministry can be a really lonely place sometimes; especially when you’re going through hardships, difficulties, loss, and trials. This loneliness can look different for each of us. You could be the only youth pastor in a small town. You may be on a team but no one really knows you. You may be critiqued and ridiculed by leadership. You might have been told you won’t amount to much or you’ve hit your glass ceiling. Or perhaps you believe you aren’t good enough or have failed.

There are so many reasons that ministry can feel very lonely. And those reasons are only compounded further when there are difficult moments and trials. When you feel alone and then have to walk through your own trial or help someone through theirs, it’s depleting and alienating because it compounds the feeling of isolation.

Have you been there? Are you there now? Whether you have been there or you are there, this post is for you. It’s also for those of you who haven’t been there yet, because you can serve as a place of refuge and a loving support to those who are. The points below aren’t all-encompassing; they are designed to provide hope, encouragement, and community.

Remember that you are seen, valued, and loved.

It would be easy to default to saying, “God knows what you’re going through and loves you.” And while yes, it is true, for those experiencing periods of isolation and loneliness, it just rings a little hollow. You know it to be true, but there is a part of us that also wants the broader community to say it to us as well. We are relational beings and as such we want people to love and value us as well.

When we are in the throes of isolation we often obtain blinders that convince us no one cares or loves us, and that is a lie from the depths of hell. People don’t always say it, but they do see and love you. It isn’t always easy when it isn’t said or seen, but don’t believe the lie that no one cares. In fact, as you’re reading this, know that we love and care about you! We are in your corner and for you!

Build networks.

There are so many great ways to build a network. Depending on your context this can be through local youth ministry networks. Many towns that have multiple youth ministries actually have regular gatherings of youth workers for encouragement and fellowship. If you’re unsure if one exists, contact another youth worker to see if they know of one. Should there not be one, perhaps you could be the catalyst to the beginning of a network in your area.

Another option could be a denominational network. Many denominations have semi-regular gatherings and different ministries within the denomination also have regular meet-ups. Check and see what your denomination offers and consider jumping into those networks.

There are other opportunities like cohorts, conferences, and mentorships that will help you grow and develop as well as provide meaningful opportunities for fellowship and community. Other networks could include social media groups, but be cautious as many can be contentious and filled with heated debates as well as not necessarily afford you a true and authentic network.

Find community.

Networks and community can go hand-in-hand, but sometimes certain networks may not provide the community you need for a variety of reasons. So how do you find needed community no matter what setting you are in?

First, I would encourage you to find people with whom you can be authentic. Identify friends who you don’t have to present a certain way to, people you don’t need to be a pastor for. That way you can come and be wholly you with complete authenticity. Second, you may need to look outside your physical community. Sometimes, especially in smaller communities, you may feel like you cannot be fully authentic because everyone is connected to your church in some way. In those cases, you will need to look regionally or even broader. In those cases, you may find community through networks like cohorts, conferences, or online communities.

If you’re looking for a cohort that offers training and equipping as well as community and relationships, let me encourage you to check out Slingshot and connect with our friend Brian Aaby. Brian led a cohort that I was able to be a part of and that cohort changed my life. Aside from excellent coaching, training, and equipping, I have made lifelong friendships with some of the most amazing people.

Another awesome resource for community is being developed and launched by our friend Tim Eldred called The Authentic Pastor. This amazing resource provides a podcast, coaching, online community, and more. This is something Elise and I believe in so much that we have provided a review and are honored to contribute to.

I also want to remind you that Elise and I are here for you as well. This isn’t just a blog, it is a place to come and find community and refreshment. Our goal at Kalos is to build up a beautiful community that empowers and strengthens each member in their ministry, gifting, and calling. Simply put: we’ve got your back and are in your corner! You have a community here that is for you. You can always reach out to through our contact page and we are happy to encourage and walk with you.

Take a step of faith.

This is a broad statement that many could interpret different ways, so allow me to unpack it. First, maybe the step of faith is searching for community. Sometimes we default to the expectation that community should come to us. But community is a two way street. There are times we must step out and find that community for ourselves. It isn’t easy, especially when you serve in ministry because people tend to come to you. Now you may have to go find others for that community.

The second way I would interpret this statement is through the lens of asking, “Is this God’s way of helping me find what’s next in my ministry journey?” Sometimes we need more than a gentle nudging from God to see where He is calling us next. And often times, God allows us to walk through hardship to see the good and the hope He has prepared for us. Don’t read into that statement that you walk alone, because God often times is carrying you through those moments. So ask yourself, is God moving me to see where He is directing me?

Ask why you feel this way.

One of the best things you can do in these moments is self-assess. Sometimes it is helpful to step back and look at what is happening with a fresh set of eyes and an objective motivation. Doing this allows us to see what is really going on and hopefully begin to identify not only why this is happening but to also look toward a solution.

Sometimes we may be lonely due to our own busyness. Other times we may be lonely because we are the outsider in a tight-knit community. We may be lonely because the church is showing us the door. You may also be lonely if your age demographic isn’t represented. Looking at what is happening and asking why you feel this way, allows you to begin to address what is happening and move toward a healthy solution. It doesn’t mean you will like what you find or be excited (at first) about the solution. But it will help you grow and heal as you identify and move toward that goal.

Meet with a counselor.

Having a counselor is a blessing! In a position where we are often serving as a counselor to so many, having someone you can go to and be fully honest with is an amazing gift. When you are feeling alone and isolated, a counselor is a safe person with whom you can share and be honest about how you are feeling. Not only are they a safe person, they will also help you identify why you feel this way and help you move toward a healthy and beneficial solution.

Now I know not everyone has the luxury of finding a licensed, Christian-based counselor in their community for a variety of reasons. But there are other options as telahealth has truly grown by leaps and bounds. And one of the ways it has grown is through online counseling. There’s a Christian community of biblically sound Christian counselors at Faithful Counseling and it’s a wonderful place to get connected. Now you may be thinking, “What if the person I get paired with doesn’t understand me?” Great question! You can switch at any time without any additional cost. This is a win-win opportunity as you are connected with someone who loves and cares for you and will guide you toward healthy solutions.

As you’re finishing reading this post I want you to know three things: you are loved, you are not alone, and we are here for you! Know that you matter and you are here for a purpose. We are for you. We love you!

What to do When Ministry Hurts

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This weekend is Mother’s Day, and can I be honest? I really don’t like this weekend or Father’s Day either. Not because I don’t like my parents, I love them to death. But because this is a hard time for Elise and I as we walk through the infertility journey.

Celebrating with others is hard. Watching all the moms get flowers, cards, and brunch dates is difficult as we sit in our pew waiting and hoping. It’s hard when people ask me questions like, “Don’t you want kids?” Or, “How are you able to lead our kids when you don’t have your own?” In so many ways we can feel unseen and alone.

These questions aren’t unique to Elise and I. Many of us who serve in ministry have been hurt by insensitive or calloused remarks. Things like, “When will you grow up and be a real pastor?” “Youth ministry is just childcare for teenagers.” “Oh you went on a retreat…guess you used up your vacation time.” “Do you really think you’re called to be in ministry?” Or, “You’re a woman, you can’t be a pastor.”

Words matter, and the words we share have great power and impact. I’m not saying anything that those of us in ministry don’t already know. We know the power of words, how they can build up and make you feel on top of the world, and how they can rip your heart out and make you feel like nothing. Ministry hurts sometimes. I don’t think it’s always intentional, but it can often feel like it is crushing your soul. But should we just give up? Should we just roll over? Do we just take it on the chin? What do we do when ministry is hard?

Lean into your networks.

One of the best things I’ve done in ministry is get connected with people who are in similar life circumstances and ministry careers. Being able to talk to people who understand the complexities of ministry and working within a church is huge, especially when they are third parties. They are there to walk with you, love you, and challenge you. These are the people who are in your corner and will have your back.

Find solace in the communities you trust.

In the networks and communities you have, you will most likely find people who you can relate to and connect with in deeper ways. When I joined my cohort in 2021, I never considered how deep and meaningful those relationships would become. But even within that cohort, I connected at a deeper level with two others and as we grew in our friendships we were shocked at how similar our stories were. Because of that unique bond we were able to love, support, and challenge one another on a deeper level. Within your communities you will find people with whom you connect on a deeper level and those who can be an even stronger, supportive community.

Model a caring community to others.

Sometimes dealing with hurt, especially when it’s coming from within a church or ministry, means you need to be able to explain and model what a caring community looks like. Here is what I mean by saying this: sometimes people, and even church communities, don’t know or understand that what they are saying, doing, or implying is actually causing hurt. Whether it’s out of ignorance or lack of understanding, people can do and say things that hurt. Because of this, we may need to model and educate what a truly caring community looks like. In doing this, it isn’t about trying to be smarter or better but instead about helping your communities grow and become more like Jesus in how they love and care for one another. This isn’t easy, but it is something that could truly help generate change and growth.

Be honest with yourself.

There are times I just want to dismiss hurtful things that are said or done. I just want to push it down and pretend like it doesn’t hurt. But the more we dismiss our emotions or push them down to a place we think they won’t return from, the more we are hurting ourselves. It is okay to be honest, to say how you feel or how things have effected you. It’s not wrong to emote and display what you’re feeling. It’s not okay to bury those feelings or to lash out which will happen when you keep trying to push those emotions down.

So be honest with yourself and those closest to you. Let your feelings, emotions, and thoughts be known. If you’re hurting it’s okay to let that hurt be known to yourself and those closest to you. I will say this: it is okay to be honest with those who have said or done things to you (whether unintentionally or intentionally), but be mindful of how you do it and what you say. Words and approach matter deeply, especially when you’re in a leadership position. It doesn’t mean not sharing how you’re feeling, it means doing it in a way that helps them to understand and prayerfully evoke change.

Talk to a counselor.

One of the best things I have done since moving to Pennsylvania is start to see a counselor. It’s honestly helped me in so many ways. It allowed me to address past trauma, to understand the hurt I’ve experienced from churches, how to share my emotions and feelings with Elise, and how to handle different moments that arise each day that often seem out of my control (because they are). I know that in some ways there is still a stigma attached to seeing a counselor, but this will be something that truly will help you process and work through the hurt in your life. It isn’t a one-and-done type scenario. It may take months or years, but ultimately it will help you understand and heal from the hurt that you’ve experienced.

Be honest with your spouse and protect your family.

Sometimes we try to mask our pain from our spouse and family because we think are protecting them. Other times we mask the hurt to keep them from experiencing that same hurt and becoming embittered toward the church. However, that response is not only unhealthy and self-destructive, it will also harm the relationships you have with your family. They aren’t immune to the hurt you’re experiencing, and even when we think we hide it well, we really don’t. Being able to share where you’re at with your spouse and in appropriate measures with the rest of your family allows you to have a safe place, a place of respite.

Listen to honest critique and trusted people.

I’m not always the best at receiving critiques and criticism. It usually sits with me for a long time and I tend to over process what was shared and allow it to affect me in ways it shouldn’t. But I’ve learned that when I have trusted people in my life who I know are for me, I can hear their insight and critique better. When it comes to working in ministry we will often hear criticism, both helpful and not. But when we hear it, we should measure it and see if it is helpful and true. And sometimes figuring this out means going to those you trust and asking for insight even if it isn’t the insight you want. When you have trusted people you can go to, it helps you to self-reflect and self-assess to find ways that you may need to grow and mature. Bringing in trusted people gives you a safe place to process and grow.

When It’s Time to Say Goodbye to a Volunteer

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Have you ever found yourself in a situation when you knew you needed to tell a volunteer they couldn’t serve anymore? How did it make you feel? Do you think you handled it well? How was it received? Do you still have a relationship with that leader?

As ministry leaders we are in a very unique circumstance in that most of the people who “work” for us are volunteers. That means that when it comes to having to let someone go, the matter is infinitely more complex. How do you fire someone who volunteers their time? Can you actually fire a volunteer?

The reality is that these moments are multifaceted and difficult. They involve complex relationships, multiple layers of emotions, and of course the struggle of figuring out what to do and say when that volunteer is no longer a volunteer. Will you find a suitable replacement? What will students think? How will your relationship be with that leader?

Part of being the leader of a ministry means that we need to step into situations that can be difficult and uncomfortable. But just because they aren’t the easiest of situations doesn’t mean we avoid them. Instead we must face them and do our best to honor and love the other person as we lead. In fact, I would assert that a godly leader has an obligation to have these conversations because it models a Christlike attitude and leadership quality to our people. Jesus didn’t shy away from tough conversations but instead leaned into them and used them to help people grow and flourish. But how do we do that? Today, my hope is to offer you some suggestions on how to best enter into these situations and care well for the other person, yourself, and your ministry.

Let nothing be a surprise to the other person.

A good supervisor should always be intentional with guiding and growing their team members. This applies to both encouragement and critiques. When a person who reports to you needs guidance and refining, you should be seeking to help them grow and improve. That means that if you are letting a volunteer go, they shouldn’t be caught off guard by the reasons you present because they should have been previously approached.

Be honest.

These moments are never fun or easy, but they can often be more convoluted as we try to soften the approach by not being fully honest. I am not saying we lie during this times, but I do think we can be not fully honest and transparent because we still want to care for our people. But lack of honesty can often lead to confusion and more hurt. So in these moments look to be honest and transparent with your volunteer, not to be cutting or to hurt them, but to honor them and give them the dignity of being honest with them.

Be clear and concise.

Often in these moments subtlety and ambiguity are not your friends. I am well aware that we try our best to care for our people and to not cause them hurt or pain, but to not be clear or try to soften the moment without being fully honest isn’t going to help anyone. And I would also assert that not being fully honest or clear will actually do more harm in the long run because that leader may feel unjustly wronged because they don’t know what really occurred.

So when you talk to your leader be clear in what you say and concise. Do not go on and on in your conversation with them, but instead be concise and allow them to seek out more information and clarity if they need it. Now, I think it should also be said that being clear and concise is not an excuse to be hurtful or overtly negative toward your leader. When we are concise and clear, we must also remember that the person we are talking to is one of God’s children and we should still seek to be loving and kind with them. Neither option cancels the other out, but rather should be utilized together.

Remind them of what they are called to.

It is helpful to remind your leader of what the expectations are for leaders in your ministry and to show them where they were not meeting those expectations. In these moments it would be helpful for your leaders to know what they are being held to. That means that as leaders we should have some type of stated or printed set of expectations for our leaders that they have had access to. That way everyone knows what they are being asked to do as leaders and it gives you a place to refer to in these moments. But also use this time to challenge them. It isn’t simply a moment to remind them of what they weren’t doing, but instead a challenge to them to grow and meet the requirements and potentially revisit serving with you at a later time.

Follow up as needed.

This is on a case-by-case basis. Sometimes follow up conversations are warranted and sometimes they aren’t. There will be moments where you and your leader can continue with your friendship and other times when you cannot. Be discerning in what needs to happen after the fact and continue to honor them and their wishes as you move forward.

Pray.

I think most of us are aware that prayer is a vital part of our lives and ministries, and it is kind of implied that we will be praying about these types of moments when they happen. But when I say pray for these moments I mean before, during, and after.

When it comes to having these conversations with a leader, it typically shouldn’t take us by surprise. We know it is coming and should be covering the conversation in prayer. Pray for your heart and theirs. Pray for clarity, wisdom, and discernment. Pray for patience and the ability to hear one another. Pray that this conversation doesn’t affect their view of God and the church. And then continue to pray this way during and after the conversation. Do not let your prayer for this leader stop simply because the meeting ended.

How to Handle Conflict

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What is your go-to response when it comes to conflict? Are you an avoider or more direct in your confrontations? Does it weigh on you or do you just push it deep down to a place where it doesn’t seem to matter anymore? Does conflict terrify you or excite you?

No matter how you may have answered those questions, the truth of the matter is that conflict is unavoidable. I am not saying that we should seek out conflict, but we must recognize that conflict is part of the tension of living in a post-fall world. When broken people share life together, there will be conflict. The question we must wrestle with is this: how do we handle conflict?

Before we go any further, I want to make a few–what I would say are obvious but often forgotten–statements about conflict:

  1. You can only handle your approach and response. You are not responsible for the other person, but you are responsible for how you engage and interact.
  2. Prayer and going to the throne of God before any conflict that you know is going to happen is paramount. Just as going to God every day is paramount. We often run to God when there is going to be a conflict, but our response should be to run to God regardless. We must ask Him to work in our lives and relationships in an ongoing way to help us mediate and handle circumstances in order to prevent unhealthy conflict.
  3. Consider what part you play in the conflict. Self-reflection is always beneficial, but even more so when it comes to conflict. It is important to think about what we are contributing, both helpful and detrimental, to a conflict. So pause, reflect, and prayerfully think about how your words, attitudes, and actions are helping to resolve or hindering the conflict.

So how do we handle conflict well? Here are a few ways that I have learned (often the hard way) on how we can handle conflict and move forward well.

Be honest and clear.

Often in conflicts we tend to speak in absolutes, minimize what is going on, and don’t often say what needs to be said. What we should be doing instead is sharing what is true and the way it is effecting us. We must be honest about how we feel and how things have been received. But we must also be clear and concise and not allow for absolutes or our emotions to drive us toward negative responses or engagements. Instead, speak honestly and clearly.

Handle your emotions.

If you are like me and can feel the passion and pressure manifest in your core in conversations and conflicts, then you know how easy it can be to not handle your emotions. But allowing your emotions rather than clarity and wisdom to drive your engagements with others can be problematic. It can lead you to be rash, critical, and at times hurtful. So instead look to address your emotions and be honest about them in conversation, but also be aware enough not allow your emotions to dictate all that you do and say.

Be humble.

Conflict can be incredibly humbling especially if it makes you aware of your own shortcomings or errors. So as you engage in conflict do so with a spirit of humility. Do not presume this to mean that you just need to take your licks and continue to do so. But do understand that being humble means approaching the conflict with a willingness to hear the other person, grow personally, and be willing to admit wrongs.

Always see the other party as someone created in the image of God.

Sometimes in conflict it is easy to see the other person(s) as the problem or even as our enemy. But that is not what a biblical approach to conflict should look like. Imagine for a moment what would have happened if Cain had seen Able as his brother created in God’s image rather than someone who showed him up and became an obstacle to remove. We would be reading a very different narrative in Genesis 4, and honestly our method for conflict resolution would have a much better example to follow. So instead of seeing someone as an obstacle, see them as a child of God made in His image and allow for that to help curate your approach to conflict resolution.

Realize that your resolution may not be the right one.

Have you ever entered a meeting convinced that your way was the right and only way to do something? I know I have. I come in with an idea and a belief that it is the best solution, and when it hasn’t been taken as such it is defeating and deflating. I believe that’s also how we approach conflict at times. We come in believing we have the right solution and when it doesn’t go our way we see it as a defeat. But the problem is that we are approaching these moments as a battle to win not a conversation to be walked through. That means we need to approach them with open hands understanding our resolution may not be the best or right right one, and that is okay. Instead be willing to accept another route and engage with the conflict holistically.

Watch your language.

This is key both within the conflict and outside of it. Words are extremely powerful and can either be helpful or harmful. How are you speaking to and about that person? We can be prone to gossip, both intentionally and unintentionally, therefore, we can severely harm relationships. But we can be even more prone to say hurtful things in the midst of the confrontation because our emotions get the better of us. Instead of allowing your language to be harmful, seek to edify, challenge, build up, and encourage one another. Doing so in all moments will actually help your heart be in the right space when you have those difficult conversations.

Mind your spheres.

This is something that I think many of us (myself included) struggle with. Living in community with others means that often times our relationships and engagements overlap. And because of that reality, we often share things with people outside of the appropriate spheres. Perhaps you have a conflict with your boss; it would be inappropriate for you to share with all your volunteers why he is a horrible boss because that will cause dissension and frustration within the church. Remember that your priority is unity within the body, so seek to handle conflict in a way that builds, rather than tears down that unity.

When it comes to conflict, what manner of resolution has been most helpful for you?