Tag: hurt

A Call to Prayer, Repentence, and Fasting

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“Did you see that Charlie Kirk was shot?” The question stopped me cold and I instantly felt a weight on my chest as I began to think through the implications, fallout, and responses that would be coming. And honestly, it was worse than I could ever have imagined.

Let me preface this by saying I have strong opinions on Charlie Kirk, his message, and his method. But I am not here to judge him or to question his faith. Instead I am here today to challenge us as ministers of the Gospel to pray, repent, and fast.

That Wednesday was truly a dark day and, rightly so, we should be mourning the loss of life as all life is sacred to God. But on that same day there was also a shooting at a high school in Colorado where multiple students were injured and the gunman died by suicide. This shooting simply got a blip on the national news cycle and there were very few rallying cries for those students and their families. Further still, a politician was murdered and others targeted in a similar fashion because the murderer held differing beliefs.

There is a problem in our country and it is being fueled by inflammatory rhetoric across both sides of the aisle. But there is a deeper problem that pertains to us as ministers: we have allowed political positioning to infiltrate its way into our faith and this has shaped our response and how we shepherd the flock.

American Christianity has become deeply entrenched in politics and we have often allowed our political positioning to inform how we shepherd, what we say, who we protect or villainize, and ultimately how we are shaping the future of our churches.

I am not here to debate political ideology. Personally, I’ve voted on both sides of the aisle, I have friends from all different political backgrounds, and I’ve seen my own political leaning ebb and flow as I’ve grown and matured. I believe it is a good thing to hold to our convictions and allow them to inform how we vote. But what I am strongly against is using political leanings to attack, dehumanize, and portray others as evil.

All you need to do is pop onto social media and you’ll see conspiracies about Kirk’s murderer being from Antifa, Groypers, alt-right, Republicans, Democrats, or even the president himself. And so many of these posts are being fueled by politicians who claim to be Christ-followers, pastors and ministry leaders, and churches around the country.

In the majority of these posts you’ll find corrupted and out-of-context Scripture that seeks to portray one side as not just ungodly but also undeserving of God’s love and grace. To say we need to fight, there will be a reckoning, that the other side needs to be destroyed, that’s not Christ! To infiltrate your political ideology with out-of-context Scripture to inflame an already volatile state is foolish, ignorant, and anti-Jesus.

And the sad part is, American churches have bought into this politicized Jesus and are running after it while leaving the real Jesus behind them. People have vilified not only those who hold different political or theological convictions, but also the very man whose life was robbed from him.

This type or rhetoric is infiltrating the church left and right, and as the shepherds God has called us to be, we have an obligation to protect our flocks from all types of threats. That means we try emulate Christ in all moments to all people.

Jesus didn’t call us to be judge, jury, and executioner; He called us to love our neighbors and our enemies. He called us to forgive more times than society dictates. He challenged us to see people as He does: children in need of saving. He called us to put away our swords, care for and love others, serve the world, and seek justice.

But too often we like to take the parts of Jesus we prefer and hide the others. To serve a bit-and-parceled Jesus is to serve a false representation of God controlled by humanity. To be frank: I’m not about serving a tiny Jesus controlled by us because that’s not the true God.

So what are we to do? I believe we need to model a different way of living out and embodying our faith that starts with prayer, repentance, and fasting. We need to grieve with one another as a life was stolen. A life that God created was snuffed out in a violent and abhorrent act. But we also need to mourn that our country is at a place where violence is not only seen as an act that should be taken, but in many ways has also been normalized.

We must be praying for one another. For our friends and those who think similarly. For our enemies and those who oppose us. For our brothers and sisters across the political aisle. For our leaders and governing authorities whether or not we agree with them. For our spiritual leaders that they reflect Jesus not political ideologies.

Before we make assumptions, accusations, or offer guidance we had better start on our knees and seek the direction and heart of Jesus as we desire to first and foremost reflect and emulate Him to the world. Then, and only then, should we begin to speak out.

We should repent of the ways we have spoken poorly about one another and the ways we have encouraged others to do the same through our leadership. We need to repent of putting our wants and desires before Christ. We must repent of our desire for power and control. We must repent of seeing others as villains rather than as a child of the King.

And we must repent of weaponizing Scripture to suit our desires and political leanings. God isn’t subject to humanity nor does He fit into our political system. He is far above all and reigns regardless of which American political party is in control and which country has the power! That is the God we serve!

We need to fast from a quick assumption, a short word, an accusatory and broad sweeping social media post, a defamatory post about other individuals and groups, and from sharing videos and posts that use Scripture out of context to stoke the fires of angry political discourse.

We are created in the Imago Dei, just like the people sitting across from us and those who have wildly different opinions and positions. Just because we differ does not mean we dehumanize one another. Instead, we should be able to come together and lament the life lost, the violent rhetoric that permeated our country and churches, and move towards a truly Christ-centered response.

Instead of fueling the fire, may we fall on our faces seeking the triumphant return and restoration that only our Savior can bring. May we cry out for healing, justice, and grace as we seek to model Christ to our world. May our actions and words truly reflect the full Jesus and not a cherry-picked version. And may we cry out “not I, but He” and “come quickly Lord Jesus.”

Though I know they will never see this, to Charlie Kirk’s family, my heart breaks for you. I grieve with you. And I love you. We differ radically in many ways, but what happened to you was wrong and evil and not representative of what our Savior calls us to. May our God grant you peace, grace, comfort, and hope in this time.

Review: The Bodies Behind the Bus Podcast

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Elise and I make a habit out of trying to listen to a wide variety of podcasts. Some are humorous, others are true crime, many are focused on ministry, and still others focus on sharing stories and critiques on ministry, leadership, and toxicity.

The Bodies Behind the Bus podcast focuses on the latter part of the list and truly seeks to help the church and ministry leaders be better at how they love, shepherd, and lead the church.

I do want to pause and address the “why” for a moment. Some of you may be asking, “why would you share a resource that can critique the church harshly and point out its flaws?” I think rather than simply ask that question we need to look at the causation for said question.

The cause is this: the church is made up of broken people and when broken people lead without checks, balances, and accountability, problems can and will arise. This leads to toxic leadership, unchecked authority, and a culture of harsh management and fear. This is the “why.”

When the church is made up of broken people, we must be striving to grow and be more aware to protect ourselves from falling into those categories as well as learning and empathizing with others who have been recipients of those negative behaviors.

With that being said, here is why I recommend this podcast. The hosts alternate between interviewing individuals who share their stories, digging deeper into hot topic issues surrounding churches, leadership, and culture, and dialoging about how the church needs to grow and change.

These episodes are highly informative and helpful to understand how to be a better leader who shepherds and cares for the flock. It also helps congregants and lay people understand what healthy leadership should look like while providing helpful and thoughtful ways to engage with your leadership.

The stories you will hear will pull at your heart as you empathize and sympathize with the story tellers. You will hear stories about churches and leaders you may know and many you do not. But by listening to each episode, you are allowing yourself to be shaped into a better leader by learning first and foremost how not to lead but also by becoming a better listener and shepherd for your people.

So often in the stories shared, people aren’t listened to and are dismissed. By allowing your heart and mind to hear these stories, you’re positioning yourself to be a better listener and leader because you’re seeing people where they are at and growing in your relational and emotional intelligence.

I will say this when it comes to The Bodies Behind the Bus: it may be helpful to take your intake slowly rather than the firehose method. These episodes, especially interviews with survivors, can be heavy and soul crushing. They are raw and can feature strong language, and as you hear the stories, stats, and fallout, your soul will grieve deeply. Because of that, it would be helpful to listen to the podcast in bite sized chunks rather than trying to power through many episodes at once.

You may not agree with everything in this podcast. I don’t expect you to. What I would challenge you to do is listen to it and allow for there to be room for empathy and sympathy in your heart as you hear the stories. Then allow for that to help mold you into the shepherd God has called you to be.

Quick Tip: Admitting When You Mess Up

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Alright, I’ll admit it. This last week I made a huge goof. Earlier in the summer we let all of our leaders know when our fall training would be and many of them were excited because we had reserved an amazing offsite venue. It is perfect and it meets all of our needs.

But here’s the problem: I gave my team of volunteers the wrong date. I actually told them it was a week later than when we had reserved the location. When I realized my mistake (which was way too late) I hastily fired off a text saying I sent the wrong date and here’s the correct one. But I did so with less than a week’s notice. This ended up frustrating many of our volunteers, it meant multiple leaders couldn’t attend because they specifically reserved the previous date on their calendars, and it caused a lot of tension and questions.

Long story short, we ended up working with the venue and we were able to keep our original training dates but not without me causing a lot of unnecessary tension and frustration. I messed up, and I know that in the big scheme of things it wasn’t that big of an issue, but I still messed up and it caused people to have frustration and tension. So I knew I had to apologize. I had made a mistake, multiple ones in fact, and I needed to own that.

And you know what happened? My leaders understood. They laughed about it. They poked fun at me in loving ways. They showed up to training. They still love our ministry and students. They are still serving.

Here’s the thing though: when it comes to mistakes, we as leaders need to live out what Jesus commands us to do and that is to seek forgiveness when we mess up. Yes, even we as leaders mess up, we aren’t immune to that. When we mess up we must take ownership and lead out of humility and a willingness to admit our wrongs. A good leader is one who will admit when they mess up and seeks to right the wrong.

Now please hear me in this: I am speaking in broad terms. We must always lead from a posture of humility and seek forgiveness when we mess up. But there are also times when we need to submit to authority over us because of our wrong and regardless of what we have done, face the consequences.

We are still broken people who are trying to lead as God has called us, but we aren’t immune from making mistakes, both small and large. Look to model Christ’s approach to leadership and you will find that when it comes to admitting wrong and seeking forgiveness, while it may not be easy, you’ll be more comfortable and willing to do so.

All that to say, the greatest two words you can ever utilize in ministry are, “I’m sorry.” Don’t be afraid or unwilling to use them.

How to Walk with Students Who Are Grieving

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The loss of a family member. A relationship that crumbled. Mom and dad getting divorced. Making a big mistake.

Students grieve for a variety of reasons like we all do. But there’s something that pulls at our innermost being when we watch a student navigate pain and sorrow. We empathize and sympathize with them, feel their pain and grieve alongside of them. We want to fight for them, to right all the wrongs, and to wrap our beloved students in bubble wrap to protect them from all the harm and pain of this world.

While those emotions and responses of empathy and sympathy are valid and necessary, we must also think practically about how we can love, care for, and walk with our students as they navigate pain.

Involve trusted leaders.

This is something that I have found to be incredibly necessary and helpful in caring for students. Often I don’t get to be involved in our small groups due to how our ministry is structured and organized, so our small group leaders are the ones who consistently walk through life with our students. To bring them into what is happening and equip them to love, care, and engage with their students allows for multiple levels of care for our students and highlights inter-generational, discipleship-oriented relationships.

Reach out to them personally.

When appropriate, reaching out personally to students who are hurting is incredibly important because it shows them that they are seen and that you care. This can be through a text, a phone call, a visit, or taking them out to talk. This looks different depending on the circumstance and what is happening, but making that personal connection is key.

Connect with parents/guardians when warranted.

This is something that may get missed depending on the circumstance the student is going through. Of course we all know that there are specific moments when we have to include parents, but do we think about connecting with parents when students are mourning a broken relationship, a failed class, or when a student messes up?

I know the tension that can exist in the sense of not breaking a student’s confidence, but if the situation is affecting the student in profound ways then appropriately involving parents is warranted and needed. So consider bringing in parents so they can understand, love, and walk with their students. Make sure you highlight some suggestions on how to do so as you provide insight and understanding for them.

Bless them with a note and/or a gift.

When possible and appropriate, sending flowers, a note, a gift card, or groceries can be wonderful ways of helping students feel seen, understood, and cared for. These tangible metrics help students know that they matter and that you care. While I wouldn’t suggest this as the only option of care, when coupled with personal connection and relationships these opportunities will truly help our students move through the difficult moments they are facing.

Take them out.

This is something I do and encourage my leaders to do when appropriate. Meeting up for a cup of coffee, at a diner, or a local donut shop to simply sit and listen does so much for a student because you’re showing them that an adult loves and cares for them. By providing a safe place and a snack or meal, it removes pressures and expectations and allows for students to lower their walls and be honest about their hurt and grief. It’s often in moments like this when students share honestly and authentically which provides us with an opportunity to love and care well for them.

Sit and listen.

This is a huge part of what we should be doing throughout any of the above points. Sitting and listening is key to understanding what students are feeling and going through, and showing them that they are valued and heard. It also allows you to understand the situation and how best to respond. When we listen well and engage in those moments we are showing the student that they matter and we are validating who they are and what they are feeling. Don’t listen just to “fix the circumstance,” listen to understand, empathize, sympathize, and walk with your students.

Be available.

Hurt, pain, and grief don’t happen on a schedule or when it’s convenient. They happen sporadically and spontaneously as life happens. That means often times these moments will not occur when it is not beneficial or timely for us, but we must be prepared and willing to be available.

I’ve had countless moments when tragedy has hit a student or their family, and I need to able to be present and available in as much as I am able. Sometimes that means showing up at their home when they’ve lost a family member, making a phone call when driving to an appointment, or texting a prayer and Scripture to them. Regardless of what availability looks like in the moment, being able to respond and engage well is key.

Refer out when necessary.

This is something I wish I had been taught in school and earlier in ministry. Here’s the thing: most pastors and ministry leaders are not counselors, psychologists, or experts in every field. That means we should not try to act like we are nor should we try to give answers and advice that we aren’t equipped to give.

Instead, we need to build a network of trusted and skilled people in various roles who can help love, care for, and support our students. That means being able to refer to trusted counselors, medical personnel, case workers, police, and crisis intervention specialists. This isn’t saying you aren’t good at your job or doing all you can, but to truly do well at ministering to students we need to provide them with the best overall support which means utilizing the best people we can to help do just that.

Responding to Hurt

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A cutting word. A passive aggressive email. A critique on your teaching. A dig by a supervisor. An angry parent’s accusations.

Hurt happens. There’s no escaping that reality. Whether you work in a ministry or elsewhere, volunteer in some capacity, or simply are around other people, hurt will occur. We are flawed people and in our brokenness we will both experience hurt and hurt others. This probably isn’t the post you were hoping to read, especially if you were looking for an uplifting and encouraging “rah rah” type of post.

But can we simply pause for a moment and understand that this is something we all need to be attentive to because we all experience hurt? This may not be the post you wanted but I would assert this is one we all need. We need to be honest and recognize the realities we face and even if we aren’t in that situation presently, we must be prepared for when it occurs. If we fail to plan accordingly, those difficult moments will steamroll us and we will be in even more dire straits.

So let me ask you a question: how do you respond to hurt? Are your responses healthy and beneficial, or are they unhelpful and potentially problematic? Today, I’d like to share some tips on how to effectively engage in healthy ways that will help you grow, interact, and process those moments well.

Allow yourself to feel the hurt.

This point may have you scratching your head, but stick with me for a moment. It’s easy to push hurt down, to pretend it doesn’t affect us, or to try to compartmentalize things. How many times have you uttered something like, “I’m fine” or “It’s not a big deal”? How many times have you tried to convince yourself that the hurt doesn’t matter?

Doing this isn’t healthy or beneficial. It allows hurt to stick around and grow into resentment. It leads to a critical worldview and perception of the church and other people. It hurts our mental health. It can cause us to be withdrawn and disengaged. Instead, allowing ourselves to feel the hurt helps us to actually engage with the issue, process our emotions, and recognize the complexities and realities of our careers and lives.

Process by yourself and with others.

Taking time process, evaluate, and respond to hurt is important for each of us. Each of us processes in our own ways, but we need to identify if those ways are healthy for us or not. Healthy processing doesn’t mean dismissing the pain or hurt, nor does it mean allowing the pain to be all that we feel. Healthy processing allows us to identify the hurt, feel the hurt, and navigate toward healing and reconciliation.

But it’s often in moments of hurt that our processing can be clouded, especially if we feel wronged or targeted. That’s where processing with trusted individuals is a necessity. I would challenge you to go to people who will empathize with you but also ones who will speak truth. It’s easy to want to only go to people who will affirm our perspectives and tell us we are right. The important thing is to go to people who will love you and challenge you, especially if you’re in the wrong. Those are the people we desperately need because they will help us address things appropriately and give guidance that is necessary.

Seek closure.

Closure can mean different things depending on the situation. It may mean seeking out reconciliation even when the other person may not embrace it. Closure may mean letting the passive aggressive comment go. It may mean having a direct conversation with the other individual and potentially bringing in a mediator. Closure may mean forgiving someone in spite of their unwillingness to extend an apology.

Closure looks different for each of us and depends on the circumstance. But if we allow for the wounds and hurt to remain open and festering, we are opening ourselves up to more pain and hurt in the long run. Whatever the closure is for each scenario, we must be intentional in seeking it out.

Speak truth.

This is something that individually we must do but we also need to hear this from others. Words cut deep. Sometimes more than actions. If we believe those words that aren’t true, we are believing a lie. Instead of allowing them to cut to our core, speak truth and affirm what is true. But when you aren’t able, and there will be times you cannot, allow others to be that voice for you. Go to trusted people, let them encourage you, and allow them to be the rock you need.

Pray.

Prayer is always something we know we must do, but is a rhythm that can become passive in how we engage it. Prayer is a powerful resource and one we should actively be engaging in. Taking time to pray and ask God for wisdom is essential. We should ask God for a sensitivity in understanding why things happened and the other person’s perspective.

Praying for conviction (for all parties, including ourselves), for direction, for empathy and sympathy, for perspective, and for an appropriate response is key. Going before a God who understands with a humble heart that’s willing to grow and be challenged will allow us to better engage in these difficult moments.

5 Healthy Ways to Engage with Conflict

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Have you ever found yourself in the midst of an unavoidable conflict? Have you felt the tensions rise, the frustrations grow, and your spirit become overwhelmed?

Perhaps you have had conflict with your supervisors. Maybe you and a certain elder(s) don’t see eye to eye. It could be a volunteer that disagrees with the direction of your program. Maybe there’s tension between you and a couple of parents.

Even suggesting these scenarios may have triggered various emotions, thoughts, and tensions. I get it. I’ve been there. I’ve had all of these scenarios and more play out during my time in ministry, and honestly in all of my career journeys. The truth of the matter is conflict is unavoidable. It exists and it will always find ways to manifest in our lives as a result of the fall.

We have to understand that because we are broken people living in a fallen world, conflict will always find a way into our lives. The question though is not how do we avoid conflict, it’s how do we engage it well? If conflict is going to be a reality we must deal with, what are some steps and applications we can utilize to walk through it in a healthy way?

1. Actively seek to grow and mature.

Before the conflict begins, during the conflict, and after it is over, you should be looking to grow and mature. This isn’t in just one area but in all aspects. We should focus on relational, spiritual, educational, and mental maturity and seeking to grow as followers of Christ.

2. See the best in others and their intentions.

This can be difficult at times and we immediately want to say, “But you don’t know them or the context!” Yes, there are individuals and circumstances that are problematic and can have intentions that are anything but healthy and Christ-like. But that shouldn’t keep us from attempting to see the best in the people, organizations, and circumstances.

3. Engage with spiritual rhythms.

I was recently challenged to fast while preparing for an upcoming meeting that could have far reaching implications for our church. While I engaged with this rhythm, I began to see the way I prayed and focused on God changed and grew. My heart and mind truly shifted their focus and I began to have a greater sense of where God was guiding the upcoming conversation and direction for our church.

If we approach upcoming conversations that may have the potential to be difficult with our hearts and minds being centered on Christ, we will better be prepared for those moments and will be better suited to respond from a Christ-centered heart.

4. Cover the conflict in prayer.

I think when it comes to conflicts, we engage with prayer in specific ways. We pray going into it because we’re anxious and frustrated. We may pray during it because tensions are high. And periodically we may pray after the conflict is done because we’re thankful it’s over or frustrated it didn’t go our way. But prayer isn’t meant to be an afterthought or something we only do in the moments of tension or angst. It is something we should be doing constantly.

This means that prior to any conflict even starting, we should be praying for a Christ-like attitude and heart so we can approach those moments as He would. We need to be praying for the people involved and for God to work in everyone’s life. We should not be praying for our preferred outcome, but for God to do what needs to be done. When we engage in conflict from a Christ-centered mindset we are reshaping how we see ourselves, others, and the tension at hand. In essence, we are engaging in spiritual growth as we walk through these moments by allowing God to work in and through us as we approach Him through prayer.

5. Reflect on your own heart and motivations.

This is perhaps one of the hardest things to do in these situations. It is often in moments of conflict that we want to run with our emotions and desires. It’s when we want to prove we are right. It is when we desire to validate what we have been feeling and fight for our position. I get it, I really do.

Of course we want to hold to our convictions and validate our position. But have you ever stopped to ask why? Why is it so important to be right? Have you paused to consider what would happen if you didn’t have to win? What if you just listened and sought to understand? By taking the time to reflect on your own motivations and where your heart is, it allows you to take a spiritual checkup of your life and to assess your reasons for how you progress and it guides the steps you need to take.

Bonus tip: Go to trusted advisors and mentors for insight.

Often times it is easy to go to friends and peers who empathize with you and will tell you you’re in the right and support you no matter what. But in order to engage in a healthy way, it is beneficial to have someone you trust who will speak truth to you because they will lovingly tell you if you have messed up. This is a must to engage conflict from a healthy perspective because we may not always see our missteps due to our own blind spots.

What to Do When “Nobody” Shows Up [Part Two]

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When you look around an empty room on a youth group night, you can feel so defeated. Seeing only a few kids show up to an outreach you have spent months planning can make you doubt your abilities. Continuing to lose leaders or not be able to recruit more leaves us wondering what are we doing wrong.

I get those feelings. I’ve been there, in each one of those moments and many others. These situations are heavy and cause us to ask deep and difficult questions. But can I stop and encourage you? It’s often in these moments we feel weakest, unqualified, and like a failure. It’s in these moments when the enemy attacks and causes us to doubt and question if we need to be in ministry. My friends, in these moments, yes, self reflection is necessary. We should always be willing to learn, grow, and be stretched. But doubting your calling and your abilities is an attack the enemy loves to throw at us because he knows that when we are hurting we are less apt to have our defenses up.

I want to encourage you to remember that you aren’t a failure. That God has placed a calling upon your life. You are called to lead and serve. You are not a failure, you are chosen by God to care for His people. You have gifts, talents, and abilities that are unique to you. God crafted you just how you are because there are students who need you! Cast aside the lies of Satan and stand in the truth, freedom, and redemption that God has given you as you embrace His calling on your life.

Last week we started off a two-part series called What to Do When “Nobody” Shows Up. (Make sure to start with part one if you haven’t already read it, then come back here for part two.) These posts are designed to challenge us to think differently about what is happening and also to provide ways to move forward in a proactive manner. These posts are meant to challenge our perspectives and to call us back to a right way of thinking as we embrace the calling we have received.

Keep fighting the good fight, my friends! Don’t stop because things aren’t working and no one is showing up. Improvise, adapt, and overcome. Lean into God and be willing to see what He sees and make changes when necessary. Here are some additional tips that will help us navigate these moments in ministry.

Investigate.

In situations like these we are quick to assume why students or leaders haven’t come. It’s easy to do that and it provides momentary alleviation of some of the feelings we have. But it will ultimately lead to bigger and deeper hurt because we allow our assumptions to run wild, which affects our hearts and how we see others.

Before jumping to a conclusion seek to understand why people weren’t there. Was there a school event? Was it final rehearsal for the spring play? Did you schedule something on Valentine’s Day and all of your married leaders didn’t come? Investigating allows you to better understand what is going on and how you can change your approach and response to those moments.

Be thoughtful in how you respond.

Sometimes it’s easy to respond in the moment without being thoughtful and thinking through what we said and did. Instead, I’d recommend thinking critically before responding and being thoughtful in what you do and say. Those moments are when we can truly show how we care and why we care. Instead of responding out of hurt and frustration, we can show love and compassion as we navigate the difficult moments.

Keep working hard.

Let’s be honest: sometimes it’s moments like these that make us want to throw in the towel and walk away. We are hurt, frustrated, and saddened. We don’t know why things are happening the way they are or why no one has been showing up. That can put us into a funk and actually keep us from wanting to work. When we feel defeated it is difficult to press on.

Instead, what we need to do is remember what we are called to and seek to embrace that calling as we press forward. We cannot throw in the towel but instead should continue to rise to the challenge and look to grow and mature as we press into the hard moments.

As someone who has wrestled with these moments many times in ministry, I can tell you that continuing to work hard and press on will help you see results. They may not be as soon as we like or under the terms we want, but the God who has faithfully done a good work in you is faithful to continue to do good works in and through you. So continue to work hard and give God the glory in all moments.

Seek help and guidance.

There are moments when we need to get insight and help from others outside of our immediate spheres. When I find myself struggling with different aspects of ministry and life there are certain people I know who I can go to for help, advice, and guidance. These are friends, mentors, and even supervisors who I know will offer insights and critiques where needed. They are people who I know and trust and have permission to speak into my life and ministry. These types of individuals allow us to go to safe people to seek insight, help, and reminders but they will also challenge and push us to grow and see things in different lights. Going to others gives you an opportunity to assess and grow rather than trying to carry everything on your own.

Reach out and follow up.

When students or leaders don’t show up it is easy to feel frustrated and to not respond in healthy ways. But what we should be doing instead is reaching out to those individuals and following up with them. Checking in and seeing how someone is doing is a way of loving people and showing them you care.

Don’t make it a clinical or critical check-in but one that shows you love and care about them. Let them know you missed them. Ask them how they are doing or if there’s anything you can be helping with. Sometimes life is chaotic for people and we don’t always articulate that, so checking in and seeing how people are doing is highlighting that you truly care about your people as you intentionally step into their lives.

What to Do When “Nobody” Shows Up [Part One]

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Have you ever prepared for youth group and no one came? Did you hype up a special event and only have a few people come out? Has your attendance been light or underwhelming for a while? Have students just stopped coming or found a “better” youth group to go to? Have your leaders bailed again?

For many of us, we have experienced those moments. We know the weight and defeated feelings that come with those times. We ask hard questions that come from places of hurt, doubt, and defeat. We want to know answers. We wonder if we are called to this. We wonder why we keep failing.

This past week I was pulled aside by a volunteer and this is what happened:
“Nick, we have no students down at our end.”
“Really? None?”
“Well, I mean we are really light and we don’t have many guys at all.”

I could start feeling a twinge of worry and frustration creep in. I looked over at our high school room and it was hopping. Lots of students playing 9 Square and conversations happening in the cafe. “Let’s go take a look and see what’s up.”

We started to walk over and my mind raced with reasons why middle school students wouldn’t be here. Maybe they have a play coming up, perhaps parents didn’t want to drive because it’s cold, maybe middle school needs revamping, maybe we are failing at making it fun for them. Walking into the middle school wing I immediately notice the excitement and joy of a big group of students.

“I thought you said no one was here.”
“Well, we are light on guys.”
“Really? There’s a ton playing GaGaBall.”
“Well my group is light…we only have a few.”

In that conversation I realized two things: I needed to help my leader see things differently and I needed to be mindful of my own heart and thoughts. We both jumped to conclusions from different perspectives and neither were helpful. What we need to do instead is think through a proactive approach to these situations and how we can love and lead well during even in times of tension.

Be mindful of your attitude.

This is a big part of handling these moments well. We need to be discerning and thinking about our thoughts and hearts. What is going through your mind? What is prompting those thoughts and emotions? How are you reflecting that outwardly? When numbers are low or non-existent do you convey that with how you talk and act? Do you walk as someone defeated or do you approach this with thoughtfulness and a willingness to think creatively? Our attitudes are a reflection of our heart and mind and we need to guard those in these moments to protect ourselves and reflect Jesus even when it’s difficult.

Be mindful of your speech.

Sometimes in these moments it’s easy to say things like, “No one’s here,” or “Where is everyone,” or “Why aren’t your friends here?” Said to leaders these types of phrases can be discouraging; said to students they can be crippling. When we say these things to students they hear that they don’t matter, or their friends are more important.

Instead of asking where “everyone” is or bemoaning the lack of attendance, perhaps it would be better to intentionally engage with the students who are there and to follow up with the ones who weren’t. I would also recommend staying away from terms like “No one is here,” “Everyone is gone,” or “There’s never anyone here.” These terms and others like them deal with extremes and don’t allow for any wiggle room or truth to come through.

Be mindful of your body language.

So often our emotions, whether good or bad, are reflected through our body language. If we are feeling defeated or sad or frustrated, it will be reflected in how we stand, sit, and even in how we teach. Instead of reflecting negatively or expressing tension, pause and ask God for peace and hope as you engage during those tough moments. Seek to reflect joy and peace to the people who are present, especially as you reflect Jesus to them.

Remember your calling.

These moments can be debilitating in numerous ways. They often cause us to doubt if we are in the right place, serving how we should be serving, and if this is actually the calling we once believed it was. The enemy loves to cause us to doubt and question if the calling God has given to us is legitimate, and it is in moments like these where we need to lean into Jesus and remind ourselves of what He has called us to.

We need to trust in God in moments of difficulty and doubt, and remember that He is faithful. God didn’t call us into an easy role, but He did promise us that we’d never be in it alone. We need to remember whose we are as we remember who we are and what we are called to. God called you into this role and you have a calling to be faithful with what you have been given to care for and steward.

Join us next week when we continue this conversation with part two!

7 Tips to Care for Hurting People

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“Hey Nick, sorry I haven’t been here in a while.”
“It’s all good. How are you doing?”
“Not good. My uncle just died.”

In the span of a few seconds at youth group I was immediately aware of how deeply one of our students was hurting. After their reply I could see the pain etched in their face and in their body language. They were hurting and I knew that they needed to have people love and care for them.

“How are you doing with all of that? That’s a lot to handle.”
“I’m trying to put on a brave face because if I think about it or talk about I’m going to cry.”
My heart broke in that moment for that student and for a pain I couldn’t fix.

Most of us have had moments like this regardless of where we serve in ministry. When you’re in a position that involves working with and caring for people, you will be acutely aware of their pains and hurts. As someone much wiser than me once said, “Proximity breeds empathy.” Today, I want to offer you seven ways you can effectively and meaningfully care for people who are hurting.

1. Be present.

One of the best things you can do is simply be fully present in the lives of people who are hurting. It’s so easy to feel the pull of distractions especially on a youth group night, but the more focused you are on the individual, the more they will be seen and cared for. That may mean moving out of a loud space, it may mean shifting your schedule for the night, and it most definitely means not looking at a clock or your phone. Being present involves a physical, emotional, spiritual, and mental presence when caring for hurting people.

2. Involve their community.

Whether it’s their small group leaders, friends, or other staff members, bringing in people (when appropriate) to walk with and be for the individual(s) is key. They can organize meal trains, sit with the individual, take them out, and love them in tangible ways. Look to bring in a village to walk with, care for, and love on those who are hurting so they know they aren’t alone or forgotten.

3. Empathize and sympathize appropriately.

When caring for people who are hurting, a natural response is to grieve with them. We feel their burdens, we hurt with them, and we sit in the pain with them. What isn’t okay is to fake those feelings–instead, just be yourself–or to tell them you fully understand and feel the same way (unless you’ve experienced the same thing).

I had a coworker who struggled with severe chronic pain. They functioned at a pain threshold of 7-8 out of 10 on a daily basis. We were praying for them at a staff meeting and we asked how we could walk with them. Their response: sit with me, cry with me, but don’t tell me you understand because you don’t and it feels dismissive. If we try to tell our people we understand their pains when we have never experienced them, we minimize what they’re experiencing and they feel unseen and unloved. Make sure to choose your words wisely and to love well when empathizing and sympathizing with others.

4. Send them something.

Giving something may sound like the easy approach, but when it is coupled with the other aspects of care, it is a tangible way of loving your people. When someone experiences a loss we can send flowers, or a meal, or a gift card with a handwritten note to let them know they are seen and loved. Depending on the circumstance and person, what is sent will change. We want to send something meaningful and heartfelt that helps the individual and their family to know they are seen and loved.

5. Follow up.

It isn’t just about being present in the moment, but also about ongoing care. Pain doesn’t just dissipate after a brief interaction, we often sit with that pain for days, weeks, and months. Pain and grief are long term emotions and we need to be engaging and following up with our people. Making sure to check in, to grab coffee, to be present when needed (i.e. funeral arrangements), and to let them know they aren’t going through this alone are paramount to caring well for your people.

6. Listen well.

Sometimes I tend to interject in conversations without listening fully. I’m a fixer at heart and I want to do my best to help and care for my people. But by not listening well or only listening to find solutions, you are actually devaluing the people you care for because you are dismissing them and their problems. So listen well. Sit and allow for people to process and grieve. Allow for there to be silence and wait to see if the individual is done before you start to share.

7. Know your limitations.

Sometimes we want to do all we can to care for people, but we often do that even when it is beyond our capacities or abilities. Instead of trying to be all things to those who are hurting, let me encourage you to simply be you and to know when you can and can’t do certain things. If someone needs to speak with a counselor and you aren’t trained or equipped to do so, connect them with someone who is. This should be our approach not because we don’t care but because we do! Caring well for people means connecting them with the right individuals and resources that they need in all circumstances.