Category: Church Staff

What to Do When “Nobody” Shows Up [Part Two]

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When you look around an empty room on a youth group night, you can feel so defeated. Seeing only a few kids show up to an outreach you have spent months planning can make you doubt your abilities. Continuing to lose leaders or not be able to recruit more leaves us wondering what are we doing wrong.

I get those feelings. I’ve been there, in each one of those moments and many others. These situations are heavy and cause us to ask deep and difficult questions. But can I stop and encourage you? It’s often in these moments we feel weakest, unqualified, and like a failure. It’s in these moments when the enemy attacks and causes us to doubt and question if we need to be in ministry. My friends, in these moments, yes, self reflection is necessary. We should always be willing to learn, grow, and be stretched. But doubting your calling and your abilities is an attack the enemy loves to throw at us because he knows that when we are hurting we are less apt to have our defenses up.

I want to encourage you to remember that you aren’t a failure. That God has placed a calling upon your life. You are called to lead and serve. You are not a failure, you are chosen by God to care for His people. You have gifts, talents, and abilities that are unique to you. God crafted you just how you are because there are students who need you! Cast aside the lies of Satan and stand in the truth, freedom, and redemption that God has given you as you embrace His calling on your life.

Last week we started off a two-part series called What to Do When “Nobody” Shows Up. (Make sure to start with part one if you haven’t already read it, then come back here for part two.) These posts are designed to challenge us to think differently about what is happening and also to provide ways to move forward in a proactive manner. These posts are meant to challenge our perspectives and to call us back to a right way of thinking as we embrace the calling we have received.

Keep fighting the good fight, my friends! Don’t stop because things aren’t working and no one is showing up. Improvise, adapt, and overcome. Lean into God and be willing to see what He sees and make changes when necessary. Here are some additional tips that will help us navigate these moments in ministry.

Investigate.

In situations like these we are quick to assume why students or leaders haven’t come. It’s easy to do that and it provides momentary alleviation of some of the feelings we have. But it will ultimately lead to bigger and deeper hurt because we allow our assumptions to run wild, which affects our hearts and how we see others.

Before jumping to a conclusion seek to understand why people weren’t there. Was there a school event? Was it final rehearsal for the spring play? Did you schedule something on Valentine’s Day and all of your married leaders didn’t come? Investigating allows you to better understand what is going on and how you can change your approach and response to those moments.

Be thoughtful in how you respond.

Sometimes it’s easy to respond in the moment without being thoughtful and thinking through what we said and did. Instead, I’d recommend thinking critically before responding and being thoughtful in what you do and say. Those moments are when we can truly show how we care and why we care. Instead of responding out of hurt and frustration, we can show love and compassion as we navigate the difficult moments.

Keep working hard.

Let’s be honest: sometimes it’s moments like these that make us want to throw in the towel and walk away. We are hurt, frustrated, and saddened. We don’t know why things are happening the way they are or why no one has been showing up. That can put us into a funk and actually keep us from wanting to work. When we feel defeated it is difficult to press on.

Instead, what we need to do is remember what we are called to and seek to embrace that calling as we press forward. We cannot throw in the towel but instead should continue to rise to the challenge and look to grow and mature as we press into the hard moments.

As someone who has wrestled with these moments many times in ministry, I can tell you that continuing to work hard and press on will help you see results. They may not be as soon as we like or under the terms we want, but the God who has faithfully done a good work in you is faithful to continue to do good works in and through you. So continue to work hard and give God the glory in all moments.

Seek help and guidance.

There are moments when we need to get insight and help from others outside of our immediate spheres. When I find myself struggling with different aspects of ministry and life there are certain people I know who I can go to for help, advice, and guidance. These are friends, mentors, and even supervisors who I know will offer insights and critiques where needed. They are people who I know and trust and have permission to speak into my life and ministry. These types of individuals allow us to go to safe people to seek insight, help, and reminders but they will also challenge and push us to grow and see things in different lights. Going to others gives you an opportunity to assess and grow rather than trying to carry everything on your own.

Reach out and follow up.

When students or leaders don’t show up it is easy to feel frustrated and to not respond in healthy ways. But what we should be doing instead is reaching out to those individuals and following up with them. Checking in and seeing how someone is doing is a way of loving people and showing them you care.

Don’t make it a clinical or critical check-in but one that shows you love and care about them. Let them know you missed them. Ask them how they are doing or if there’s anything you can be helping with. Sometimes life is chaotic for people and we don’t always articulate that, so checking in and seeing how people are doing is highlighting that you truly care about your people as you intentionally step into their lives.

What to Do When “Nobody” Shows Up [Part One]

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Have you ever prepared for youth group and no one came? Did you hype up a special event and only have a few people come out? Has your attendance been light or underwhelming for a while? Have students just stopped coming or found a “better” youth group to go to? Have your leaders bailed again?

For many of us, we have experienced those moments. We know the weight and defeated feelings that come with those times. We ask hard questions that come from places of hurt, doubt, and defeat. We want to know answers. We wonder if we are called to this. We wonder why we keep failing.

This past week I was pulled aside by a volunteer and this is what happened:
“Nick, we have no students down at our end.”
“Really? None?”
“Well, I mean we are really light and we don’t have many guys at all.”

I could start feeling a twinge of worry and frustration creep in. I looked over at our high school room and it was hopping. Lots of students playing 9 Square and conversations happening in the cafe. “Let’s go take a look and see what’s up.”

We started to walk over and my mind raced with reasons why middle school students wouldn’t be here. Maybe they have a play coming up, perhaps parents didn’t want to drive because it’s cold, maybe middle school needs revamping, maybe we are failing at making it fun for them. Walking into the middle school wing I immediately notice the excitement and joy of a big group of students.

“I thought you said no one was here.”
“Well, we are light on guys.”
“Really? There’s a ton playing GaGaBall.”
“Well my group is light…we only have a few.”

In that conversation I realized two things: I needed to help my leader see things differently and I needed to be mindful of my own heart and thoughts. We both jumped to conclusions from different perspectives and neither were helpful. What we need to do instead is think through a proactive approach to these situations and how we can love and lead well during even in times of tension.

Be mindful of your attitude.

This is a big part of handling these moments well. We need to be discerning and thinking about our thoughts and hearts. What is going through your mind? What is prompting those thoughts and emotions? How are you reflecting that outwardly? When numbers are low or non-existent do you convey that with how you talk and act? Do you walk as someone defeated or do you approach this with thoughtfulness and a willingness to think creatively? Our attitudes are a reflection of our heart and mind and we need to guard those in these moments to protect ourselves and reflect Jesus even when it’s difficult.

Be mindful of your speech.

Sometimes in these moments it’s easy to say things like, “No one’s here,” or “Where is everyone,” or “Why aren’t your friends here?” Said to leaders these types of phrases can be discouraging; said to students they can be crippling. When we say these things to students they hear that they don’t matter, or their friends are more important.

Instead of asking where “everyone” is or bemoaning the lack of attendance, perhaps it would be better to intentionally engage with the students who are there and to follow up with the ones who weren’t. I would also recommend staying away from terms like “No one is here,” “Everyone is gone,” or “There’s never anyone here.” These terms and others like them deal with extremes and don’t allow for any wiggle room or truth to come through.

Be mindful of your body language.

So often our emotions, whether good or bad, are reflected through our body language. If we are feeling defeated or sad or frustrated, it will be reflected in how we stand, sit, and even in how we teach. Instead of reflecting negatively or expressing tension, pause and ask God for peace and hope as you engage during those tough moments. Seek to reflect joy and peace to the people who are present, especially as you reflect Jesus to them.

Remember your calling.

These moments can be debilitating in numerous ways. They often cause us to doubt if we are in the right place, serving how we should be serving, and if this is actually the calling we once believed it was. The enemy loves to cause us to doubt and question if the calling God has given to us is legitimate, and it is in moments like these where we need to lean into Jesus and remind ourselves of what He has called us to.

We need to trust in God in moments of difficulty and doubt, and remember that He is faithful. God didn’t call us into an easy role, but He did promise us that we’d never be in it alone. We need to remember whose we are as we remember who we are and what we are called to. God called you into this role and you have a calling to be faithful with what you have been given to care for and steward.

Join us next week when we continue this conversation with part two!

8 Keys to Building a Successful Student Ministry

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This is probably not going to be the post that you are thinking. This isn’t a post about achieving notoriety, building a massive youth ministry program, and becoming an international speaker who is generating revenue off of their student ministry book sales.

None of that is inherently wrong nor should we look with disdain at those who are currently doing those things. But that isn’t the way to measure if your ministry is successful or not. If that is the standard by which we are measuring success, then the vast majority of us are failing in our roles.

So how do we measure the success of our ministries? Success isn’t measurable by the size of your budget or how many students attend or by your personal speaking engagements. Success is measured by whether your students know Jesus and if they are pursuing Him; that is the definition of a flourishing program.

I am not saying that if you put all the steps in this post into action your ministry will change overnight. In fact, I’d probably argue that it’ll take a good chunk of time for a ministry to change. But I can tell you that if you follow these steps, if you put in the heavy lifting, and if you focus on where God has planted you, you will begin to see change. Over time, you will look back and see where God has brought you from and be able to get excited about where He is leading you.

1. Listen well and listen to learn.

So often we can jump into a ministry (especially one we are just starting in) and look to make a ton of changes right away. Nothing is wrong with change, but when you don’t take the time to listen and learn, you may actually make changes that could be more harmful than good. This philosophy applies holistically to our ministries.

I’m not arguing for inaction or to crawl along hoping change will come, but instead I would challenge you to listen well and listen to learn. Be intentional and relational. Listen to your people. Get to know their hearts. Ask good, thoughtful questions and seek to understand. The better you listen the better your ministry will be because you are not valuing just the ministry, you’re valuing the people who make the ministry.

2. Be yourself.

One thing I see all too often is youth workers trying to emulate a popular figure in their circles or a noted pastor. This doesn’t work. In a world where students are bombarded with inauthenticity every day in every circumstance, they are craving truth and authenticity. They want the real you! They want to know you and see who you are. The more that you are yourself, the more students will begin to trust and relate to you. God has uniquely designed and crafted you to reach your students so be who you are created to be.

3. Love boldly.

Students are looking for people who will love them for who they are and will continue to love them even when they mess up. The more that you can love your students and in doing so, show them the love of Jesus, the stronger your ministry will become. Love well, love boldly, and love your students like Jesus loves them and you will begin to see change.

4. Focus on discipleship and spiritual formation.

This is a part of youth ministry that took me a long time to understand and implement. I’m ashamed to admit that I was more focused on the fun element and didn’t really dig into discipleship and spiritual formation. But over the last ten years, I have seen that the methodology of Jesus (small group discipleship) works and students flourish with it.

It isn’t just doing small groups though; it’s about sharing life and showing our students how to engage in their relationship with Jesus in all parts of their lives. It’s helping them grow as Christ-followers and develop healthy spiritual rhythms that help them to become more mature disciples.

5. Don’t see limitations, see your potential and opportunities.

So often it is easy to think in terms of what we don’t have or wish we did have. While we can recognize that some groups may have things we do not, simply thinking in those terms aren’t helpful. If we only think about our limitations we will never see what we can be and what God can do. We will be stifled and hindered if we approach ministry by what we don’t have. But if we see what God has given us it allows us to focus our energies and craft a workable vision. Be willing to see what you do have and the potential opportunities you have to grow and pour into your community.

6. Build networks.

This is key because it helps you to grow and generate new ideas, but it also provides potential for your students to have cross-pollination and to see the other students who follow Jesus in their community. Building networks will give you access to not just new ideas but also may allow you to move past your limitations and share resources and ideas. Networks are a great way to build resources, community, and fellowship for you and your students.

7. Admit mistakes and be willing to try and fail.

Two things I wish I’d learned early in my career were how to admit when I messed up and at the same time, be willing to take risks and try new things even if it meant I would fail. Sometimes we only keep the status quo because it’s safe and feels comfortable, but if we are challenging ourselves to try new things and take risks we could see great rewards come about. But we will still fail, and one way you can lead out in this is showing your students it’s okay to fail and owning it when you do. Showing your students how leaders respond to mistakes is huge and will help them to see that they can trust you because you’re authentic and real.

8. Keep learning and growing.

The best thing you can do for your ministry is to keep learning and growing as a youth leader. The more you grow and mature as a leader, the more your ministry will grow and mature along with you. By being a leader who highlights growth and maturity, you are highlighting someone that students will want to follow. You will also grow and learn new things you can implement and utilize to bless and care for your students as you strive to better yourself.

The Importance of Community

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Elise and I recently had a conversation that went something like this:
“I got invited to another church’s women’s group.”
“Oh wow. Do you want to join it?”
“I don’t think so, but I do feel like I’m missing out on community.”
“What do you mean?”
“Ever since I stopped going to the women’s group due to my job, I don’t feel like I’ve been getting to know people and build relationships at our church.”

If I’m being completely honest, I’m missing the community piece as well. Elise was the catalyst that helped me to see how we have pulled inward the past couple of years. It isn’t that we don’t like or value community, we just became comfortable and content coming home and being with one another. But we understand and believe that life isn’t meant to be done alone or in isolation, it just took us some time to fully get to this place.

For us, there are a lot of reasons we didn’t jump into a group after joining our current church. We had been hurt by past groups and were walking through the trauma that came with it. We have been in poorly-run groups that have broken trust and private conversations. It’s difficult being a church leader in a group that expects you to always have that hat on. Forced accountability left a sour taste in our mouths. And aggressive group leaders and predetermined/pre-established group dynamics left us feeling isolated and deflated.

Have you ever felt this way? Have you ever engaged in community that felt broken, forced, or inauthentic? Have you ever been hurt or burned by a group before? Do you feel like you always have to be “on” and can never truly be yourself in a group?

If so, this post is for you, and for us. We know that this can be difficult, scary, and vulnerable but we also know that we were created for this and it is something Jesus desired for all of His followers. I mean, His group of disciples highlight the uniqueness of bringing together very different individuals but also how those groups don’t need to splinter and die, but instead can thrive and grow. Today, we want to offer you some parameters and guidance for how to engage in community and in groups in a healthy way for everyone involved.

Set parameters and expectations.

This would be something I’d encourage the group as a whole to work through together. Some base things to talk about would be thinking through what the group will be about, the commitments of each person, who will be doing what, and creating a safe space for all involved. The additional parameters will be unique to each group and can be tweaked as needed.

Commit to the group being a safe place.

As mentioned in the previous point, a safe place in community is highly important. Many of us have been hurt by being involved in unsafe groups, so creating a place where everyone can know that what they share is going to be honored, respected, and not shared is key.

If you’re a church staff member you know the complexities this may involve, but having a group that lovingly cares for and supports one another should allow for every person to be authentic and honest with no fear of that being gossiped about. However, I would caution that it is key to not allow any one person or persons to just openly complain or speak poorly of someone else. Part of being a safe place involves the group holding one another accountable and lovingly challenging each other.

Agree that everyone is a contributor and every voice matters.

Some of us have probably experienced groups where we know that not everyone’s voice carries the same weight or respect. In those moments, it is easy for the people with the “lesser” voice to feel isolated, disconnected, and uncared for. And if we are being honest, it’s not just that they feel that way, it is also the truth. That means that if you are creating a space of authentic community, you must agree that everyone has a voice, that everyone contributes, and that no one voice is greater than the other.

If possible, choose your group.

I am not saying pull together only people who think and believe how you do. Nor should this be a place where you just gather people who all have the same bent or frustrations so you can complain and gossip. What we are arguing for is finding people that will help one another grow in being more like Jesus, people who love one another, and people who will lovingly challenge you and speak truth.

Be flexible and willing to adapt.

This is a big thing that a lot of groups and communities aren’t willing to do. They hold to what they have always done because it works or they are trying to make it work. Don’t believe me? Ask yourself this question: when was the last time you made a big change in your youth group? Or maybe ask this question: what has kept you from making the necessary and needed changes? I’m not trying to make you feel bad, but instead trying help all of see that we are creatures of habit and comfort. We typically don’t change or adapt unless we absolutely have to.

I want to encourage you to be willing to bend a little and to change when needed. If your community group has to change nights, change them. If your group is evolving and new people are coming in, take time to walk your whole group through the basics again. If you need to rethink how your group is functioning and what is best for the group, do it. Don’t wait until things are broken, be proactive and engage where you need to.

Make sure to have clear channels of communication.

This is a big one. I mean think about this for a moment: what was your open rate for the last group email you sent to any group? I know that the majority of my volunteers don’t open my emails until the day-of, or maybe not at all. The same is true for all of us. We are inundated with emails and some people may not look at them or open them.

What you should do for your community is find out which method(s) of communication is the best. That may mean more than one, which is okay, but be willing to ask that question to ensure everyone is on the same page and getting all the communication. Also, should a new person join, make sure to include them even if that means starting a new texting group. Don’t just send them a separate communique, because that will feel alienating and unhealthy.

Establish a point person and facilitator.

The point person is just the one who handles communications, logistics, and communicating with church leadership (if and when that’s required). Their job is just to make sure everyone is on the same page and knows what is happening and when.

The facilitator can look different for each group. It could be the teacher or the leader or the discussion starter, or it could simply be the point person to leadership. They don’t have to be one and the same, but they can be. It is important to establish both of these roles so there is clarity and not too many hands in the pie. That way you will know who is communicating to leadership and who is teaching.

The teaching role can vary, and in some ways it should, between members of the group to give everyone equal opportunity and value. The point person can change but that isn’t something I’d recommend to do frequently as it could get frustrating for church leadership. Should that person change, make sure leadership is aware and knows why.

How to Handle Getting Fired

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Disclaimer: This post is not a reflection of anything happening currently in our lives. It instead is a response to seeing numerous people share about being let go immediately following this holiday season and over the start of the new year.

Over the course of my adult life, I have been fired or let go twice. Once was from a non-ministry job where I was told, “I’m letting you go so you can go find a job in ministry somewhere.” Mind you, I didn’t have a job to go to and was a couple weeks out from getting married. The second was from a ministry position. I was the low man on the totem pole and was told I had hit my glass ceiling and was done. Thankfully, a mentor advocated on my behalf and negotiated for me to stay on until I could find a new job so we could continue to pay our bills and make ends meet.

I share this with you not to gain sympathy but to highlight that I get it. I have had multiple conversations with friends and peers who are going through difficult moments of transition. I’ve heard the stories of when those moments are handled well and handled poorly. The emotions that are felt in those times are raw, honest, tense, and reflective of our passion for reaching students and our communities.

The truth is that we can respond either poorly or proactively in those moments, and I can say I have responded in both ways during those two circumstances. My emotions have gotten the better of me, my Jersey boy sarcasm has made appearances, and I have also responded out of hurt and pain. But in the other circumstance I responded well and didn’t let my emotions drive me, and handled it with maturity and respect.

As I have been hearing the stories from my friends and peers, I became acutely aware that no one ever wants to be fired and rarely are we expecting it. But the truth of the matter is some, if not all, of us will experience this at some point. It doesn’t have to be because you did something wrong or weren’t a good employee. It could be due to budget cuts, church issues, or leadership transitions.

The truth that we need to grapple with is this: are we prepared should this happen to us? I’m not arguing that we should live in fear or angst, but instead should be thinking through how we respond in difficult moments and how are we protecting our hearts and minds. That’s the goal of today’s post, to help us be proactive and willing to grow and prepare should this moment arise in our ministry career.

Be mindful of your emotions and responses.

Let’s just be honest with one another. Emotions are going to be high and tense in these moments. We go through all the feelings and our minds are racing. It is easy to run with knee-jerk responses, to respond out of anger, frustration, disbelief, and hurt. But often when we do respond from those places, we respond poorly and say things that are hurtful and things we will regret.

Instead, my encouragement is for you to be mindful of your emotions and responses. A great way to work through this in the moment is to pause before you respond. Count to 10 and make sure you are breathing and not just gearing up for a fight. Pause and offer a quick prayer for discernment, grace, and a proper response.

Another helpful response would be to ask for time to process and continue the conversation when appropriate. This doesn’t always work out, nor is it always appropriate or even applicable. But it is a way to allow space to make sure you have gotten your mind and heart in check and it affords you an opportunity to process. A few encouragements I would offer are to not respond from anger, don’t attack or accuse, and seek to understand and respond as Christ would.

Be thoughtful and Christ-honoring in how you speak of things and people.

I am not saying you shouldn’t speak the truth about what happened, but let’s be real: it’s easy to allow our emotions and tensions to drive us toward gossip, bitterness, and playing the victim. I’m not saying that you weren’t treated poorly, nor am I saying you aren’t the victim in this circumstance. But we–as is true of all people–are prone to presenting a skewed approach and perspective, because receiving encouragement and having people take our side feels good and vindicating.

Instead, what I am challenging all us to do is to be mindful of what we say and how we say it. Don’t badmouth the church or its leaders. Don’t try to draw sides or seek to further divide the church. And remember that while what happened may be unfair, cruel, and just completely wrong, you can still speak about others and the church in a manner that honors Christ. Truth can still be spoken, but be thoughtful about how, why, when, and to whom you say it.

One of the best ways this has been explained to me is to think about concentric circles. Think of your closest group of friends and confidantes. They are the inner most circle, the ones you can share almost everything if not everything with (spouse, best friends, etc.). Now imagine a second circle that is placed around the first circle but is slightly larger. This represents a different group. This may be friends, people in a small group, or volunteers. For this group you can share information and what happened but you don’t share as much because they aren’t as close to you. This continues outward until it encompasses all the appropriate people. The further out the circles go, the less you share with them. This is not because you don’t value them or want them to know, but everyone doesn’t need to know all the details.

Ask thoughtful questions.

In these moments you can ask clarifying questions and seek understanding for why things are progressing in this manner and where they go from here. Ask why you’re being let go if it hasn’t been stated. Look for clarity into what could have been done differently for all parties. Seek to understand the timeline and compensation if there is any.

I am not saying you will get the answers and responses you want, and there may be times you don’t get any answers. But being able to pose questions will help you to process and prayerfully gain insight. Another way to go about this, especially if you are an internal processor, is to ask for 24 hours to think on everything and to come back with questions. Depending on your office environment and leadership this may or may not happen, but if they’ll allow it, you would have time and space to work through your questions as you seek clarity.

Bring in an advocate.

If you think you are being treated unfairly or unjustly, consider bringing in an advocate to help you move through this transition. It could be a trusted supervisor, a mentor, or even a pastor from another church. I will say this: be mindful of how you approach this. It isn’t often that people will have a heads up that they are getting fired, so you may not be able to bring an advocate to the plenary meeting. Instead, what you can do is ask to meet again and to bring someone with you to help you process and work through everything.

I will be honest with you and say that this approach depends on the leadership and also how you respond in the first meeting. If leadership truly is leading well and seeking to handle this situation in a God-honoring manner, then they will be more open to engaging in this way. But it is also dependent upon you. Your attitude and response in that first meeting is key. If you respond out of anger or talk about the leadership after the meeting in a way that causes more tension and heartache, they will be less inclined to meet with you.

Do not contribute to church dissension.

It is so easy in these moments to paint ourselves as the victim and to seek to rally our supporters to our side. And yes, many of us have been and will be victims of broken leadership and we will want to know people support us and see that it wasn’t fair. That is the reality of the human condition. But what isn’t right or okay is contributing to the brokenness or increasing it.

We should seek to be part of the solution and not part of the problem, striving to live in a Christlike manner and to reflect that to the people around us. That doesn’t mean you need to lie or pretend like everything is okay. But it does mean you can speak with tact, grace, and compassion. This isn’t easy, believe me, I know. But seeking to help churches heal and grow instead of contributing to the tension and ongoing brokenness will be helpful for the people you care for.

Ways You Can Show Pastoral Care

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An unexpected phone call that lasts for an hour. The random office drop-by that should have only been fifteen minutes but has now exceeded more than an hour. Helping the individual who stops by to seek aid from your church. The call from the school stating they need crisis counselors. Being the on-call person when someone requests visitation. Handling the untimely death of a church member.

Do any of these scenarios sound familiar? Have you had to deal with one of these moments or perhaps multiple ones? Schooling and training can help prepare you with knowledge and skill sets, and they will often try to help you grow, sharpen, and embrace your pastoral heart. When these moments happen though, often we can feel lost, scared, and unprepared. The question we need to consider is how do we engage these moments as shepherds and care for the people that God has placed in our care.

We must be prepared to love and care for people well. This is something that Jesus modeled and called His disciples to embrace. We are to care for the hurting, the broken, and the forgotten. We have the privilege of being the hands and feet of Jesus in how we love and care for our people. Today, I want to share with you a few ways that you can show the pastoral care that Jesus modeled to the people under your care.

Listen well.

When you’re listening to someone, how do you listen? Are you listening just for key phrases? Are you listening to find a solution or to fix the problem? Are you listening to hear them, empathize with them, and to offer guidance? I don’t say this because any of those styles of listening are wrong, but to challenge us to think about how we listen.

If someone’s talking to us and sharing their struggles and pain, and all we do is look for a solution they are going to feel dismissed and not cared for. If you’re only listening for key phrases the individual won’t feel seen or understood because you may miss the intricacies of their struggles. Listening well will show love and care, as well as validate and humanize the person you’re talking to as they share their struggles.

Ask clarifying questions.

This goes hand-in-hand with listening well. In order to engage and care for the people under your care you need to be listening and asking good questions. That doesn’t mean jumping in mid-sentence but instead it might involve you writing down your questions to engage with the person further after they finish their thought. Questions help the person feel seen and heard, and by asking thoughtful and clarifying questions you are validating that individual and showing them that you care.

Empathize and sympathize.

Emotions are a gift from God and based upon who He is. Throughout Scripture we see a God who shows anger, a God who delights in His creation, a God who mourns, and so many other emotions. In fact, simply studying the life of Jesus will highlight how important emotions are for shepherds.

When Jesus goes to see His friend Lazarus who is ill and suddenly passes, we see how deeply this affects Jesus when Mary approaches Him. Jesus doesn’t dismiss her cares. He doesn’t say, “Don’t you know what God can do” or, “Just trust God, He will get you through this.” And He doesn’t just sit by passively. He grieves. He embraces the hurt and pain that His friends are experiencing and He steps into it willingly with them. This is a beautiful picture of the privilege we have as shepherds to walk with and be in the midst of the difficult moments with our people. Showing empathy and sympathy helps people to know we care and understand but it also validates the pain and difficulty they are experiencing.

I will caution you with this: don’t fake it or embellish it. Nothing could harm your ministry to that person more in that moment than faking a response or trying to make it a show. People can sniff out someone who is faking it very quickly and it will feel dehumanizing and mocking toward that person. Instead, embrace your personality and seek to show empathy and sympathy in appropriate ways that reflect who you are as you shepherd your people.

Be fully present.

Let’s be honest: it’s easy to get distracted sometimes. Our minds wander and we may start to fidget with different items. Or if we are on the phone with someone maybe we start to scroll through the internet or draft an email. But put yourself in the other person’s shoes: how would you feel if someone did that to you? Better yet, how would you feel if you could know the other person’s thoughts and whether or not they were paying attention as you shared your hurt and pain with them? It wouldn’t feel good and would probably make you stop sharing and walk out.

When we are listening to people we need to be fully present. Don’t allow distractions to occupy your time, don’t daydream or be elsewhere in your mind, don’t look at your watch or phone, and don’t do something else while listening. Be present and engaged. Focus on what the individual is sharing. Maintain eye contact. Ask clarifying questions. By doing this you are wholly engaging with them and showing them that they and their circumstances are important.

Pray for and with them.

One of the most important things you can do when someone comes for guidance and care is to pray with them. This doesn’t simply have to be at the end but can be throughout the time together. Regardless of when you incorporate this, make sure your prayer reflects what was shared, embraces the emotions that were displayed, validates that individual, and seeks guidance and comfort from God. Prayers should be intentional and reflect what was discussed, and they should also incorporate requests fromthe individual. Praying for peace, guidance and direction, for hope, for forgiveness, or whatever else is needed is key.

Be willing to give up time.

This is a tough point to make because the reality is we could give up all of our time and sacrifice other relationships and priorities easily because we will rationalize that it is for ministry purposes and therefore is correct to do. What I am not advocating for is consistently sacrificing other priorities and relationships, but making thoughtful and intentional choices when it comes to caring for your people.

You may need to skip or delay another meeting. Perhaps you need to text your spouse that you’ll be leaving a little later. Maybe message prep gets put on the back burner. Your lunch plans may be canceled. Weighing the importance is key and we must be willing to give up time even when it isn’t opportune. As shepherds, we must be willing to care for our sheep even when it isn’t ideal or convenient.

Follow through.

I’m horrible with remembering to do things. In fact, if you were to ask our volunteers does Nick remember things you tell him on a youth group night, they would say, “Only if we text him or email him.” When there’s tons of things going on, I will most likely forget something. In order to remember things I need to write them down or put a reminder in my phone.

This practice is also important when we care for our people. If you say you are going to pray for them, make sure you do. If you promise to reach out to them, set a reminder so you follow through on that promise. If you say you will connect them with counselors or assistance, do that as soon as you can. Following through shows our people that it wasn’t just a one-off conversation, but instead it is an ongoing opportunity to love and care for your people.

6 Tips for Conducting a Review

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Have you ever had a review? How did it go? Were you surprised, caught off guard, upset, encouraged, challenged, strengthened, or something else?

I started off by asking if you have had a review because for many people in ministry they haven’t. For whatever reason, reviews aren’t common place in the ministry world but they should be. Reviews aren’t meant to be something that only happens in the secular world but also in ministry because a proper review should encourage, sharpen, challenge, and guide us toward being better versions of ourselves as we seek to emulate and reflect Jesus.

Regardless of whether or not you have received a review, you should be willing to offer reviews to the people you shepherd. Doing so not only helps you to grow as a leader and supervisor, it’s a way to empower, strengthen, and develop your teammates as they continue to serve Christ and His church.

But the question remains: how do you offer reviews that aren’t feared or perceived with negativity and hesitation? Today I want to offer some ideas on how to handle reviews well. This isn’t foolproof but simply ideas and structure that I have learned and grown to understand during my time in ministry.

1. Make it relational.

This is not something that we think about in the corporate realm. If you work outside the church and get a review it typically feels more authoritarian in style. This isn’t necessarily a bad approach, but it does feel very top down. Ministry is usually more relational in its approach of caring for and shepherding people. Even in a leadership role we tend to lean more into the relationship- and discipleship-oriented approach, and we should utilize that approach in review settings. When you approach a review with a focus on the relationship, it allows you to lovingly guide, shape, and develop your team while building a strong foundation on which your team can move forward.

2. Remember that nothing in a review should be a surprise.

This is something I’ve learned as I have grown in my role as a supervisor. A review isn’t a time to surprise your team with corrective actions or critiques that they knew nothing about. That isn’t being a good supervisor, that’s being an authoritarian who isn’t willing to walk with their team but instead just wants to have control. Being able to support your team and challenge them throughout the year is a great way to show your team that you are for them. That way, their review isn’t intimidating or scary but a way of continuing to be for them, help to grow, and be sharpened.

3. Seek to encourage and challenge.

This typically is the big piece of a review, right? We know that reviews typically have aspects of encouragement and things your people do well, but then there’s the critiquing piece where we highlight growth areas. My two cents on this: one, nothing is ever a surprise and two, I lean heavier into the encouragement piece.

Most people hate reviews because we tend to bookend them (i.e. here’s a good thing, followed by a negative thing, finished with a positive thing) and the negative piece is the primary focus. Our team shouldn’t be surprised by the growth aspects because we should be walking with them all the time and seeking to challenge them. Therefore, I utilize reviews to remind my team of growth areas but truly seek to emphasize the encouragement. I want to highlight what they are doing well, where they have grown, and I want them to know they are making a difference. Yes, there will be a time to challenge and correct, but a review shouldn’t be the first time your teammate hears about it. Instead, a review should remind someone of growth areas and ways you’ve seen them improve.

4. Ask how you can better serve them.

This is a big part of my review process. When it comes to supervising individuals, we know that people have different personalities, different ways of receiving feedback, and different ways of being encouraged. No two people are the same and part of our role as supervisors should be understanding how to engage with our people as we seek to lead them well.

So ask how you can serve them better and use what they say as an opportunity to show care, love, and leadership. If there’s ways they ask for you to walk with them, be intentional about following through. If they share that they don’t need as much guidance in their job, step back and allow them to run with their role. By asking this question and listening to their response you will be better able to serve and lead your team.

5. Pray for them.

Part of facilitating a relational review is showing your team that you truly care about them. And one of the best ways you can do this is to ask how you can be praying for them, spend time praying for them, and follow up with them. Taking the time to do this and being intentional with these moments will truly help you to be a better shepherd who is intentionally pouring into and walking with your people.

6. Ask how you can be a better supervisor.

This is something I have started doing during the reviews I give to my team. Usually when I say this to other supervisors they look at me like I’m crazy. But hear me out: even as supervisors we have room to grow, and the ones who see those areas most are the people under our care. This not only shows your team that you are for them but also that you can hear critiques and grow. This also allows you to care for them better because you get to hear how they receive care and correction, and it provides you with more insight and ways to grow.

How do you seek to make your reviews intentional and helpful for your team?

How to Pick a Guest Speaker

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We’ve all been there at some point in our careers: on the lookout for a guest speaker. It may be finding someone to share on a youth group night or Sunday morning, looking for a camp speaker, having someone speak at a retreat or DNOW weekend, or having someone who can cover for you when your sick. We know the pains and difficulties that can go into finding a speaker who aligns with our ministry. We especially know those feelings if we have had a speaker who isn’t great or doesn’t connect with your group.

The reality is that we will need to find speakers who can engage with our students and fulfill the mission and vision we are seeking to implement in our group setting. But the are many details and questions we need to consider when it comes to doing so, because we want to approach this with intentionality, passion, and faith to make sure we choose the best possible speaker for our group. Today I want share some tips on how you can do this well and show care to all involved.

Be clear with what you’re seeking.

As someone who has spoken at different venues, one of the most frustrating things is when the expectations and directions aren’t clearly communicated. I like to know the culture of the program, the intent and focus of the speaking engagement (i.e. filling in on a youth group night or the focus for a week-long camp), the vision of the ministry, how long the messages are to be and how many there will be, and even what hasn’t worked in the past. When you’re open and clear about what you’re seeking, it will afford potential speakers the opportunity to say yes or no as they think through their skill sets and time obligations. The clearer you are the more likely you are to find the right person(s) needed for your event.

Know what your group needs.

This is hugely important because as the shepherd to your group you know what they need to hear, how they will receive people, what kind of care they need, and how they will engage with the person speaking. When you’re aware of the needs of your group, it provides clarity for you to choose a speaker who will be the best equipped to help meet those needs. You aren’t looking for someone to take on your role but for someone who will compliment it and provide a meaningful and safe place for students to engage and grow in their faith journey.

Get a resume.

This may sound weird because it’s not a job interview, right? But if someone is coming to speak to your group, especially for a longer period of time, this is a job interview. They are putting forth their services and they should be able to share their experiences, passions, and reasons for seeking to fulfill this role. In doing this, you will better understand if this person is truly the right fit for your group.

Now let me clarify something: I am not saying they need to actually give you a full on resume. I am saying to look for the pieces that go into a resume and seek to understand more about the candidate. If you get a resume, follow up with their references and see what they have to say about the speaker’s skill sets, communication style, and ability to connect with students.

Know their connection to student ministry.

It may seem easy to find a speaker for student ministry; just look in any of the numerous student ministry Facebook groups to see people who are ready and willing to jump in as a speaker. Or you can look at various people’s social media profiles and find tags like “influencer” and “speaker.” But just because someone says they are a speaker doesn’t mean they will be qualified to speak to students.

One of the best things you can do when looking for a speaker is to find out their connection and draw to be a speaker to students. Sometimes people think that speaking to adults and to students are the same, but there are important and noted differences. Being able to ascertain if someone has a connection to speaking to students is a key aspect to be looking for when choosing a speaker.

Consider cost.

Sometimes you will end up finding someone who will speak for little to no cost. These will typically be when you ask someone to speak on a Sunday morning or at youth group, but not so much for speaking at retreats or longer settings. Being aware of the cost associated with picking a speaker is important but should not keep you from choosing the best selection for your group. There are times when costs can be prohibitive to what you’re seeking to accomplish, but if you’re open with the reality of cost from the onset of your search, it will allow you to think creatively about who you bring in to speak.

Preview some of their teachings.

This is something that I would suggest no matter where you’re having someone speak. Whether it’s a speaker for a camp or retreat or someone speaking on a Sunday morning, getting to know their material, methodology, and how they engage with people is key. Getting this preview will help you make an informed decisions on whether that individual is someone you want sharing with your students, if their communication aligns with your vision and mission, and if they bring the necessary skill set to the table.

One final thing: how do you say no to a speaker?

There have been times where I’ve checked in with multiple people to speak and I’ve had to have an awkward conversation where I say no to them sharing. Depending on the circumstance this can be more awkward than not (i.e. telling someone at your church or a youth leader no). The key is how you go about this. Do you simply say “sorry we are going in another direction,” are you direct to the reasons why, do you try to soften the blow?

I would say that the closer you are to the individual, the more intentional, relational, and pastoral you are with them. Make sure to care for and love them well. Explain your reasoning and if there’s areas to grow in be willing to share those. If someone is fairly far removed from your group (i.e. you connected with someone referred to you over Facebook), simply stating you’re going in another direction is fine and thank them for their time. If they want more information that is up to you on how much you’d like to share.

Our Picks: Royal Servants

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As a student ministry leader you have probably led your own mission trip or partnered with a mission agency at some point in your ministry career. We all know that mission trips are important in the lives of students because of how they impact their hearts and relationship with Jesus. We know that when they are in a focused environment, building relationships with people, and serving others, they will begin to grow as a disciple of Jesus.

If you have led your own mission trip before you know how much work goes into planning and leading the actual trip. There’s setting the schedule, organizing service projects, figuring out meals, scheduling travel, arranging sleeping assignments, handling debriefs, managing conflicts and stressors, and all the other things that pop up. Leading a mission trip that you are putting together takes a lot of preparation, planning, and intentionality as you not only lead but also care for your students, leaders, and the people to whom you’re ministering.

If you’ve found a partner agency to go with that meets your needs and focus as a ministry, you know how beneficial this can be. Our ministry typically looks at running our own trips or partnering with the different mission arms of our denomination. This allows us to make sure the vision and mission of our ministry align with those of the partnering organizations. But, I also love to find additional opportunities for our students that embrace our vision and actively engages in discipleship.

That’s where Royal Servants comes into the picture. Royal Servants is part of Reign Ministries and offers summer-long trips for all students including middle school, high school, and college age. These are trips that take place all over the world and are focused on reaching people with the Gospel and helping students to engage and grow in the discipleship process.

Like many youth workers, I found out about Royal Servants from a phone call. Hank Dahl, one of the mission trip leaders for Royal Servants, reached out to connect and to simply share his heart. What I instantly respected about Hank is he wasn’t looking to make a sales pitch or offer me something in place of what we do as a ministry. Instead, he wanted to offer an additional option but only after pushing our students toward our own trips. Hank’s and Royal Servants’ heart is to be an additional option for students with the express desire to help them grow in discipleship and missional opportunities.

The first time we had Hank join us, he asked if he could speak to our students. He didn’t ask to share his own lesson but instead offered to teach on whatever our series was focused on. Being a youth ministry veteran, Hank instantly connected with my students and did a superb job sharing that evening. At the end of his lesson, he gave a brief synopsis of who Royal Servants is and what their trips were for that year. He then encouraged our students to go to small groups and find him afterwards at a table in the lobby. Hank didn’t try to pull our students away from time in their small group but instead pushed them into their discipleship time and encouraged them to take initiative in connecting with him afterward.

Hank’s heart, that of his team and Royal Servants overall, is to partner with student ministries around the country and to help them provide additional avenues for their students to engage in discipleship and missional opportunities. We have had several of our students participate in trips with Royal Servants and all have come back changed and strengthened in their faith. When many of them returned, they took leadership roles and began to reach out to people in their schools and communities. They also began to push students in our ministry to serve in their spheres of influence and to go on mission trips with our student ministry. It wasn’t focused on just encouraging their peers to join Royal Servants, but to instead serve where God is calling them. This again highlights the way that Royal Servants equips and trains students and is why I will continue to invite them to our church and encourage my students to participate.

If you’re looking for a great partner organization, one that seeks to reach the lost and equip students as disciple-makers, then Royal Servants is the organization for you. I highly encourage you to reach out to Hank–let him know I told you to :)–and see what this ministry can do to help your students grow and flourish.

7 Tips to Care for Hurting People

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“Hey Nick, sorry I haven’t been here in a while.”
“It’s all good. How are you doing?”
“Not good. My uncle just died.”

In the span of a few seconds at youth group I was immediately aware of how deeply one of our students was hurting. After their reply I could see the pain etched in their face and in their body language. They were hurting and I knew that they needed to have people love and care for them.

“How are you doing with all of that? That’s a lot to handle.”
“I’m trying to put on a brave face because if I think about it or talk about I’m going to cry.”
My heart broke in that moment for that student and for a pain I couldn’t fix.

Most of us have had moments like this regardless of where we serve in ministry. When you’re in a position that involves working with and caring for people, you will be acutely aware of their pains and hurts. As someone much wiser than me once said, “Proximity breeds empathy.” Today, I want to offer you seven ways you can effectively and meaningfully care for people who are hurting.

1. Be present.

One of the best things you can do is simply be fully present in the lives of people who are hurting. It’s so easy to feel the pull of distractions especially on a youth group night, but the more focused you are on the individual, the more they will be seen and cared for. That may mean moving out of a loud space, it may mean shifting your schedule for the night, and it most definitely means not looking at a clock or your phone. Being present involves a physical, emotional, spiritual, and mental presence when caring for hurting people.

2. Involve their community.

Whether it’s their small group leaders, friends, or other staff members, bringing in people (when appropriate) to walk with and be for the individual(s) is key. They can organize meal trains, sit with the individual, take them out, and love them in tangible ways. Look to bring in a village to walk with, care for, and love on those who are hurting so they know they aren’t alone or forgotten.

3. Empathize and sympathize appropriately.

When caring for people who are hurting, a natural response is to grieve with them. We feel their burdens, we hurt with them, and we sit in the pain with them. What isn’t okay is to fake those feelings–instead, just be yourself–or to tell them you fully understand and feel the same way (unless you’ve experienced the same thing).

I had a coworker who struggled with severe chronic pain. They functioned at a pain threshold of 7-8 out of 10 on a daily basis. We were praying for them at a staff meeting and we asked how we could walk with them. Their response: sit with me, cry with me, but don’t tell me you understand because you don’t and it feels dismissive. If we try to tell our people we understand their pains when we have never experienced them, we minimize what they’re experiencing and they feel unseen and unloved. Make sure to choose your words wisely and to love well when empathizing and sympathizing with others.

4. Send them something.

Giving something may sound like the easy approach, but when it is coupled with the other aspects of care, it is a tangible way of loving your people. When someone experiences a loss we can send flowers, or a meal, or a gift card with a handwritten note to let them know they are seen and loved. Depending on the circumstance and person, what is sent will change. We want to send something meaningful and heartfelt that helps the individual and their family to know they are seen and loved.

5. Follow up.

It isn’t just about being present in the moment, but also about ongoing care. Pain doesn’t just dissipate after a brief interaction, we often sit with that pain for days, weeks, and months. Pain and grief are long term emotions and we need to be engaging and following up with our people. Making sure to check in, to grab coffee, to be present when needed (i.e. funeral arrangements), and to let them know they aren’t going through this alone are paramount to caring well for your people.

6. Listen well.

Sometimes I tend to interject in conversations without listening fully. I’m a fixer at heart and I want to do my best to help and care for my people. But by not listening well or only listening to find solutions, you are actually devaluing the people you care for because you are dismissing them and their problems. So listen well. Sit and allow for people to process and grieve. Allow for there to be silence and wait to see if the individual is done before you start to share.

7. Know your limitations.

Sometimes we want to do all we can to care for people, but we often do that even when it is beyond our capacities or abilities. Instead of trying to be all things to those who are hurting, let me encourage you to simply be you and to know when you can and can’t do certain things. If someone needs to speak with a counselor and you aren’t trained or equipped to do so, connect them with someone who is. This should be our approach not because we don’t care but because we do! Caring well for people means connecting them with the right individuals and resources that they need in all circumstances.