Tag: encouragement

Help! I Don’t Know How to Lead Students

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Sometimes in church life we may find ourselves in a role we never dreamed we’d fill. There may be no one else available, or we may feel God pulling us into a space outside our comfort zone. And sometimes, that may be serving in student ministry.

If this is you, or someone you know, let us encourage you/them. Students are amazing and, in our possibly biased opinion, one of the best groups in the church. While working with them may feel overwhelming, we want to encourage you that if you have a heart for students, you can do it.

The reality is that students crave genuine relationships and connection with others. You don’t need to be the cool leader, you just need to be the leader that genuinely cares, shows up, and listens. The best thing you can do is invest consistently in your students by being present, hearing and seeing them, and fostering a safe place for them to be themselves.

So what are some ways you can do this? Take a look at these tips we hope will get you started and help as you continue in this important ministry.

1. Commit to being present.

This doesn’t just mean showing up to every student ministry event, while that is extremely important. Students do need to see you physically present. It also means being mentally present with your students.

You can be mentally present by putting work and life stressors on the back burner and trying not to bring them with you to youth group. You can also make sure to spend your time with the students, not hanging out with other leaders or playing on your phone.

One of the best ways you can show students how important they are is by giving them your undivided attention when you are with them.

2. Actively listen to your students.

Listening is another way to be present. And while we are to guide and shepherd our students, the first thing they need to learn about us is that we are listening to them. This is how we show them that we genuinely care.

Practice active listening by seeking to understand what your students are saying and why, and by asking thoughtful follow-up questions that continue to foster the conversation. Don’t worry about handing out advice and instruction right away, and don’t listen just to give a response. Show students you are someone who will hear them and wants to know what they have to say.

3. Be yourself and don’t fake it.

Students can spot a fake a mile away, they’re naturally good at it. So do yourself a favor and don’t pretend to be something you’re not. Bring your authentic self to youth group and let that person shine.

The reality is not every single student will click with you, and that’s okay. You’re not there to be everyone’s best friend. But students should be able to see and know the real you, that is one of the best ways you can show them that they matter to you. Give students the respect they deserve by being real with them.

4. Have fun.

If you haven’t been around student ministry before, one thing you need to know about students is that they love to have fun. Whether it’s playing 9 Square, hanging out with their friends, playing sports or music at school, getting crafty and creative, or whatever else they enjoy, students are always up for having a good time.

Since your students like to have fun (and because we serve a God who created a world for us to enjoy), we can also have fun with them. It doesn’t mean you have to do all the things, but you can engage and have fun with them. Laugh, enjoy your time with them, play as you are able, and celebrate with them.

Having fun shows your students that you’re relatable, willing to meet them where they are at, and someone who desires to share life with them. And it can show them that you don’t take yourself too seriously.

If you want to dig a little deeper into leading students, we invite you to check out more of our blog posts! Here are a few to get you started:

Leading Students Well in Chaotic Times

Quick Tip: Giving Students Ownership

Leading Small Groups: Self-Guided Discussion

8 Keys to Building a Successful Student Ministry

Are You Asking the Right Questions?

Healthy Ways to Disconnect

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Let me ask you a question: when was the last time you took a break? How about a true weekend without work? When was the last time you took a vacation and truly felt relaxed, at peace, and didn’t think about work?

Please understand that I am not trying to cast condemnation or criticism here. I’m in the same boat. For years, I always had my phone next to me and was ready for the next issue to arise. Every time it buzzed I feared what was happening.

It took a good couple of days to breathe and truly enjoy being on vacations. Weekends were rough because I was always thinking about what was to come. It was always hard to shut off my mind after a standard work day let alone after youth group.

Feel like you’re in the same boat? I think for a lot of us in ministry we feel that weight. We feel the complexity of working hard at our jobs and ministering to students, families, and the church, but also the added weight of a deeply personal call to shepherd and care for the people of God.

When you put all those things together they can feel heavy; they are heavy. And if you don’t put appropriate breaks, rhythms, refreshment, and space between those things and your own personal life and spiritual development, you will burn out. You will struggle with anxiety, depression, resentment, bitterness, and more. You will find distance growing between you and your family. Your family will struggle with loving the church because of what they see it doing to you.

And ultimately you will find yourself serving the church of God and not God, Himself; you will create an idol. And yes, even good things can become idols because they are not meant to be the ultimate thing in our lives.

If all of that is true—and believe me it is because I’m proof of it—what do we need to be doing differently? Today, I want to share a handful of practices I have begun to implement in my life that have been extremely helpful in disconnecting.

Bring others in.

If you’re feeling overworked, resentful, burnt out, or if the joy is gone, you need to bring people in. We are crafted for community and so often we go through life alone. Instead, we need to bring others into our lives and share honestly about what is happening.

The sooner you bring people in and are transparent with things, the better equipped you’ll be to heal and disconnect well. By bringing others in, it allows you to have accountability and a network to help you disconnect and establish boundaries.

Be honest about what you’re feeling.

I think when you work in ministry it is easy to mask how you’re feeling and to pretend like you have everything under control. That type of mentality can easily lead to isolation, frustration, and hurt which often times leads us to go through life and ministry alone.

That way of living will not allow you to disconnect because you are tying your personal life and work together in an unhealthy pattern. Instead, we need to be honest with others and ourselves about how we are doing. When we are honest we can begin to move toward growth, healing, and the ability to disconnect more because we are untying our personal and work lives.

Utilize “no phone” policies.

A great way to disconnect is to quite literally disconnect your phone. Turn on do not disturb, turn off notifications, stay off social media, and don’t check emails. If that doesn’t work, then literally turn off of your phone or put it in a different room.

Look, I get it. We need to be available but at the same time there is such a thing as work-life balance and phones don’t always allow us to maintain the proper balance. So practice healthy phone use to keep yourself from being inundated with work.

Take extra days at the beginning and end of your vacation.

Have you ever felt stressed leading up to a vacation as you are trying to button up everything at work? Have you felt like coming home from vacation feels overwhelming as you need to catch up on laundry and food shopping as well as all the emails? Me too!

That’s why Elise and I started to add additional days off to prep for vacation before we go and we have a day or two at home at the back end to readjust to normalcy. Giving yourself breathing room at the front and backend of a vacation allows you to truly rest and relax while you’re away because everything has been handled and can be handled when you return.

Be clear about your boundaries.

This one is key to being able to disconnect. The more transparent you are about your boundaries and the more willing you are to hold to them the more you’ll be able to disconnect.

This isn’t easy in the beginning but I can promise you that it is worth it. Talk about how your days off are actually days off. Be willing to tell people you aren’t checking emails or handling work-related tasks when you aren’t working. The more you talk about and model clear boundaries the more people will begin to respect them and you will be able to disconnect in healthier ways.

I’m not going to say I have mastered this. In fact there are still days and weeks that I feel the weight of ministry. But I can promise you that by putting these habits and rhythms into place you will find yourself in a much better place. Simply taking the initiative and beginning to build these into your life will help you relax and breathe better.

Quick Tip: Go to Sunday Service

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Have you ever felt like Sundays are just incredibly busy and you’re running around trying to get everything done? Have you hit your step goal on a Sunday morning before the services are done? Is Sunday morning time to catch up on emails and last-minute prep for your message?

Has Sunday become just another work day? When was the last time you sat in a worship service as a participant and worshipper? Do you get stopped multiple times before you even open your office?

Me too! I get it. Part of working or serving at a church means that Sundays will often include work in various capacities. But that doesn’t mean we should forego our own spiritual health and inflow, nor should we give up on fellowship with the body. Yes, there will be Sundays when we are pulled in a hundred different directions and don’t get into a service. But that should be the exception not the norm.

We are called to be an active participant of the church and to continue to meet together and care for one another. This command doesn’t simply apply to church members, but also to those of us who serve on staff at the church. The book of Acts is all about the fellowship of believers and being a part of the local church. It is easy to say we are a part of the church as we serve the body, but are you actually participating with the body of Christ and being poured into?

As employees within the church it is a default of ours to serve the church, but it is something we often do at our own detriment as we don’t participate with our fellow believers in the corporate gathering. If we continue to treat Sunday as simply a day of work instead of worshipping with others, I can promise you five things:

  1. You’ll find yourself trying to lead from nothing as you are not being poured into.
  2. You’ll become frustrated, resentful, angry, and bitter toward the church because you will see the church as keeping you from worshipping and growing.
  3. It will lead to fracturing and frustration in your family if you don’t worship together.
  4. You will lose the joy that you had in ministry.
  5. You will struggle in your walk with Jesus.

At the end of the day, there will be Sundays that you don’t make it into the service. Those Sundays should not be the norm, but instead the exception. Even if you need to talk with your supervisor about your schedule, commit to being in the service (with your family if applicable) and worshipping with your fellow believers. I can promise you that this is necessary and will ultimately be better for you, your family, those you lead, and your church.

Embracing Yourself

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We are all unique. We bring different skills, personalities, giftings, backgrounds, experiences, and perspectives to the table. These aspects are what make each of us uniquely suited to serve in student ministry.

But if you have been around student ministry, or ministry period, you have probably heard or assumed that a youth pastor should look and act a certain way. There’s the image of a young, hip youth pastor who can play guitar and knows everything about pop culture.

There’s the personality that’s charismatic and outgoing. The youth worker who is energized by large gatherings that are filled with excitement and energy. The youth worker who is everyone’s best friend and all the students relate to them.

Or on the flip side, there’s the stereotypical youth pastor who dresses down all the time, is a glorified babysitter, and is called on to preach only when the senior pastor is out of town.

Do any of these sound familiar? Have you heard or experienced any of those presuppositions? I know I have in my career, many times. And if I’m honest, those presuppositions can be pretty defeating and hurtful. I don’t fit those molds at all and if those molds were the picture of the perfect youth pastor, I wouldn’t have a job. But can I let you in on a secret?

There is no “perfect” youth pastor or youth worker. There’s no “right” personality type or style or leadership. You don’t have to fit a certain mold or stereotype. You can and should be uniquely you!

God has created you in a unique and purposeful way. Your personality, your gifting, your strengths, and even your weaknesses have uniquely positioned you for ministering to students. You don’t need to dress a certain way or have all the glitz and glam. Those aren’t bad things but they aren’t ultimate things.

You can be soft spoken and relationally-focused. You could be outgoing and a gifted communicator. You can focus on discipleship or have a desire to be more evangelistic. You may have a passion for large events or smaller gatherings. Structure can be your strength or your ability to work on the fly. Whatever you bring to the table makes you, you.

Now I’m not advocating for passivity or to simply show up and not seek to grow and develop. What I am saying is this: your gifts, personality, and skillset are uniquely given to you by God to equip you for ministering to students.

So lean into those gifts, further your strengths, and seek to shore up your weaknesses. Don’t allow for who you are or presuppositions or the stereotypes to keep you from doing what God has called you to do. Embrace yourself and your gifts and allow for God to work through you in the intentional way He has desired for you.

So what makes you, you? What gifts, strengths, and skills do you bring to the table? How are you highlighting those abilities and helping others to see you and your skills as God does?

Embrace and lean into your skills and abilities! You are exactly who God wants in the space He has placed you in. Never forget that! Embrace yourself and allow God to work in and through you as you shepherd and guide the next generation.

Trip Tricks: Carabiners

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Trips are an amazing part of student ministry because they allow our students to connect with God and one another in intentional and transformative ways. If you’ve been serving in student ministry for any length of time, you are well aware of how important trips are and how much our students love them.

The thing with trips though is that we need to be intentional with them to afford our students the best possible experience that ultimately helps them grow in their relationship with Jesus.

The purpose of this new series, “Trip Tricks,” is to share specific ways we have learned to do this over the years. These are not a one-size-fits-all approach, but instead suggestions that can be molded and shaped to fit your program and student demographic.

When I started working at my current church I inherited a variety of things. Some I kept and others I didn’t. One of the things I kept, and am forever grateful for, are carabiners.

Now you may be wondering, “why on earth do you need carabiners for student ministry?” And no, I am not taking my students rock climbing, although that does sound like fun.

Carabiners are our way of engaging in intentional community and encouragement on trips. They provide students and leaders alike an opportunity to get to know new people and build authentic, biblical community as they grow together.

Allow me to explain. Carabiners are simply the tool we use, and you can utilize any other item for this. We take a bunch of small carabiners and a special memento that we clip to it that has one of the individual trip member’s names on it.

We purchased wooden keychains that have our student ministry logo on it and on the backside we created a sticker via Canva with each person’s name, trip, and year on it. We printed that off on sticker sheets and all of a sudden we have a keepsake for each person.

We then connect each keychain to the carabiner and attach all the carabiners to a holder. The next step is setting the stage.

On the first day or night of the trip we explain very simply what the carabiners are by saying something like this: “Each of you has a carabiner with your name on it that you will be able to take home at the end of the trip. During the trip, you will be getting someone else’s carabiner and your job is to get to know them because we will take time each day (or however often you want to do it) to encourage one another in our group.”

This is a little stretching for some people because it may mean meeting new people or getting stretched outside of their comfort zone. But affording your team an opportunity to build intentional and authentic relationships by encouraging and caring for one another will help your team flourish.

Here is how you can start your share time: have everyone sit in a circle and simply ask for a volunteer, pick someone, or lead by example. Each person will say who they have and then speak words of encouragement and affirmation into their life. Then they hook their carabiner onto the holder and pass it to the person they just encouraged. This continues until everyone has gone.

Now if it doesn’t go in a perfect circle and someone gets called on who already went, we allow them to choose who goes next. Once everyone has shared, you can hand out the carabiners again but make sure everyone gets a new name that isn’t their own.

Typically on a weeklong trip we try to do carabiner sharing at least five times. But that is how our group does it and it is subjective to the group and trip dynamic.

I’ll be honest, the first few times your group does this may feel a little awkward or indifferent. But the more you embrace it and lead by example, the more impactful this time will become. You will begin to see a culture and relational shift among your team as they begin to engage in Christ-centered ways.

The whole point of carabiners is to draw your team closer as they embrace the authentic type of relationships that God desires for us. As they begin to understand what true, authentic, biblical community is about, your team will draw closer together and crave more of what God desires for us.

5 Ways to Listen Well

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Have you ever been a part of a conversation where it was obvious that the other person wasn’t listening? Perhaps you noticed a glazed look that came over the other person. Or maybe you were able to tell that you weren’t heard by the response the other person gave. Did someone continually try to tell you how to fix the problem but didn’t actually know what the problem was because they never let you fully share what was happening?

I think many—if not all—of us have experienced a time when we weren’t heard. But allow me to pose a different question within the same topic: have you ever been guilty of not listening well? Hits a little different doesn’t it? If we were all to take a deeper look into our own interactions we may notice that we are just as guilty of not always listening well.

So the question before us is simple to state but perhaps more complex in the intentionality we must implement: how do we listen well? I want to share a few simple ways to do this, but also to highlight that these aren’t fix-alls. It starts with our heart and intentionality in building authentic relationships that honor and dignify both individuals as we seek to reflect the love and personhood of Jesus.

1. Listen to understand not problem solve.

If you’re like me, you may be someone who wants to fix whatever problem you are given. However, some people just want you to listen, understand, and empathize with them. When we listen to fix the problem we will miss what the actual problem is, we devalue the other person by not actually listening to them, and we are looking to make ourselves the hero rather than just a friend. Instead we should listen to understand which values the other person and builds trust and rapport between both of you.

2. Ask clarifying questions.

Listening well means you are seeking clarity and understanding. In order to accomplish that well, we need to ask clarifying questions. This highlights that you were listening and that you truly want to understand what is happening as you walk in community with the other person.

3. Allow people to finish their thoughts.

I find myself often wanting to jump into a conversation before I should. I assert my thoughts before the other person has finished talking. I try to finish other people’s sentences, and I try to discern where the conversation is going before it actually arrives at that point.

But there is an inherent problem in all of these above things: it tells the other person their perspectives, thoughts, and insights do not matter because you have it all figured out. It actually devalues them and elevates us. Instead we should seek to truly listen and allow others to fully articulate themselves as we seek to understand.

4. Be fully present and not distracted.

It is so easy to get distracted during conversations. There’s things happening around us, different noises, technology, phones and watches buzzing, and a litany of other things competing for our time and attention. Many of us have experienced people being distracted while we talk to them and we know how that makes us feel. That means we should strive to do the opposite as we care well for our people.

We should be present and do whatever we can to minimize distractions. That can be switching on “do not disturb” on our devices, shutting a door, putting our backs to distractions, or anything else that will help us to focus and be present.

5. Be responsive.

When we are actively engaged in listening well, we should show that in our actions, reactions, facial expressions, and verbal responses. When we respond to what people say, it helps to highlight our engagement and attention to the other person. This comes through our body language, shifting our positions, leaning into the conversation, giving verbal responses, appropriate emotional responses, and making sure we are looking at the other person.

The more we listen well the more we will see our relationships flourish and grow in authenticity as we seek to love and value others.

Quick Tip: Caring for Leaders

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Have you ever had a leader experience loss? How did you respond? Has a leader on your team ever had a surgery or prolonged illness? Was there a celebratory moment like a college or graduate school graduation? Has there been a birth or adoption within your community?

When it comes to caring for our people, we need to practice intentional community and support for them. Often we can default to monetary care, and while that can be a part of caring well, we can and should be thinking about different opportunities to love and support our community. But what are some additional ways to care well during difficult or celebratory moments?

  1. Send a personal handwritten note or card.
  2. Pray with and for the individual.
  3. Visit with them and make sure you have allotted the appropriate amount of time to visit.
  4. Send flowers and/or balloons.
  5. Send a gift card to your local supermarket or DoorDash to help provide meals.
  6. Start a meal train and bring a meal by yourself.
  7. Encourage your youth group to write cards to the individual.
  8. Put together a gift basket with contributions from your leaders and/or youth group.
  9. Help out with any service projects around the home and encourage your students to help with these.
  10. Check in and see if they need help with childcare or pet sitting.
  11. Ask families to contribute to any of the above ideas.

These aren’t meant to be a catch all, but instead to challenge us to think creatively when it comes to caring well for our people. We want them to know they are seen, loved, and missed and these are just some options that help us to think outside of our normal ways of doing things.

Quick Tip: Build Authentic Friendships

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Ministry is lonely. There’s no denying it. Depending on your context and setting, it may be felt in substantially larger ways.

In my context it seems like everyone knows me because of my job. It’s always, “Hi, Nick” in the supermarket or “Hello, pastor” at the gas station. The reality is that it’s often hard to build authentic friendships in my context because I’m always seen as a “pastor” rather than just another person trying to follow Jesus and be authentic with others.

If I’m honest, that reality actually led me to keep authentic friendships at arms length for a very long time, which led to increased loneliness that grew exponentially during the global pandemic. That became the tipping point for me and I realized I truly needed to have authentic friendships in order to continue to not just make it through life but also to thrive.

That meant I needed to take a risk and realize that I would have to open myself up to others and deal with past hurt from other friendships. In doing so, I had to identify that not every friendship will work out, nor will every friend hurt me like some had in the past. If you’ve been hurt or betrayed, you know just how difficult it is to open yourself up again, and the entire premise of this article probably leaves you feeling anxious and unsure.

I get it. Even as I write this, I can’t help but rehash past friendships that left me hurt and broken. But can I offer you some hope? There are authentic and meaningful friendships that exist and can offer the healing, community, and depth that we all need.

Let me also encourage you to look for friendships outside of your normal contexts. Yes, look within your communities and church, but recognize you may need to look elsewhere. Sometimes you need a safe place to process and be honest about work and what is happening within that context.

Consider reaching out to other youth workers in your community. Join a cohort. Find networks in your area. Utilize social media groups to find ways to connect with others. Consider reaching out to friends from college. Connect with coaching organizations and see if they have networks. Talk to former youth pastors and see if they could be mentors and friends. Reach out to your denomination (if you’re a part of one) and ask about connection opportunities. The broader your target, the more potential you have to find something that works.

Yes, there is risk with this but I can promise you the reward is great. I’ve been able to build lasting friendships from cohorts, college, and within our church community. All of which have been of great benefit to me and I am forever grateful.

Let me encourage and challenge you to seek out friendships that allow you and the other person(s) to truly be authentic and be for one another. Take a risk and be willing to trust others. You’ll be the better for it.

Quick Tip: Be Flexible

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Have you ever had to call an audible during programming? Have things ever not gone according to plan? Has life changed how things were going to go on a Sunday morning?

One of the things we train our volunteers and students (especially those going on summer trips) on is being flexible. Life happens. Schedules change and evolve. Things don’t go according to plan.

But what about for you? What I’ve come to realize about myself is that I can preach flexibility until I’m blue in the face but practicing it personally is difficult for me. If I build out a schedule for youth group, I want to follow it. If there’s a plan, I want to make sure we see it through to completion.

But what about when our people need us? What about the student who shows up to youth group hurting and needs more than a quick chat to navigate a difficult circumstance? Or when things don’t go according to plan because of a power outage, computer crash, or another unforeseen circumstance?

I’m not advocating for not having a plan, but instead to hold things loosely. Be available when someone needs you even if that means changes to programming. Sit with people longer even if it means not being a part of the normal activities.

Allow for there to be a contingency if things don’t go as planned. And remember that we are simply vessels that Christ uses to accomplish His plan. It doesn’t start or end with us, we are simply along for the ride.

Step back and allow the Spirit to be at work and hold everything with open hands knowing that God’s plan is greater than ours. Allow Him to use you and be flexible with the changes, shifts, and unknowns that can and will come up in ministry.

Quick Tip: Don’t Assume

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There’s an old adage that says “when you assume, you make an @$$ out of you and me.” To be honest, I said that phrase for a long time because growing up as a young kid in a Christian house it made me giggle. But as I have gotten older, I have come to realize just how true that statement is!

In fact, I would wager that many of you are like me and we have been guilty of doing this in some way, shape, or form in our ministries and churches. We may assume we know a student and what they’re about to say; or we assume emotions, perspectives, and motives of others; or we assume why our leaders, parents, or volunteer did or valued something we disagree with.

Maybe it is just me who’s been guilty of that, but hopefully not. All that to say: learn from my missteps and don’t assume. I think when we assume we don’t just assume motivation or reason, we assume heart posture and that is a scary place to stand. When we start to assume the posture of someone’s heart, we are essentially saying that we deserve the roll of the Holy Spirit and we can determine all things about people.

Assumptions, especially incorrect ones, can lead to tension, stress, animosity, loss of relationships, misguided responses, and much more. Nothing good comes from assumptions about others, especially when the enemy wants to use our misguided assumptions and our own desires to drive wedges and fracture relationships.

So seek to know people and not assume about them. Love well and reflect Jesus rather than jumping to assumptions, which can actually cause us to disrespect others and the very image of God that we are created in.