Tag: encouragement

5 Healthy Ways to Engage with Conflict

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Have you ever found yourself in the midst of an unavoidable conflict? Have you felt the tensions rise, the frustrations grow, and your spirit become overwhelmed?

Perhaps you have had conflict with your supervisors. Maybe you and a certain elder(s) don’t see eye to eye. It could be a volunteer that disagrees with the direction of your program. Maybe there’s tension between you and a couple of parents.

Even suggesting these scenarios may have triggered various emotions, thoughts, and tensions. I get it. I’ve been there. I’ve had all of these scenarios and more play out during my time in ministry, and honestly in all of my career journeys. The truth of the matter is conflict is unavoidable. It exists and it will always find ways to manifest in our lives as a result of the fall.

We have to understand that because we are broken people living in a fallen world, conflict will always find a way into our lives. The question though is not how do we avoid conflict, it’s how do we engage it well? If conflict is going to be a reality we must deal with, what are some steps and applications we can utilize to walk through it in a healthy way?

1. Actively seek to grow and mature.

Before the conflict begins, during the conflict, and after it is over, you should be looking to grow and mature. This isn’t in just one area but in all aspects. We should focus on relational, spiritual, educational, and mental maturity and seeking to grow as followers of Christ.

2. See the best in others and their intentions.

This can be difficult at times and we immediately want to say, “But you don’t know them or the context!” Yes, there are individuals and circumstances that are problematic and can have intentions that are anything but healthy and Christ-like. But that shouldn’t keep us from attempting to see the best in the people, organizations, and circumstances.

3. Engage with spiritual rhythms.

I was recently challenged to fast while preparing for an upcoming meeting that could have far reaching implications for our church. While I engaged with this rhythm, I began to see the way I prayed and focused on God changed and grew. My heart and mind truly shifted their focus and I began to have a greater sense of where God was guiding the upcoming conversation and direction for our church.

If we approach upcoming conversations that may have the potential to be difficult with our hearts and minds being centered on Christ, we will better be prepared for those moments and will be better suited to respond from a Christ-centered heart.

4. Cover the conflict in prayer.

I think when it comes to conflicts, we engage with prayer in specific ways. We pray going into it because we’re anxious and frustrated. We may pray during it because tensions are high. And periodically we may pray after the conflict is done because we’re thankful it’s over or frustrated it didn’t go our way. But prayer isn’t meant to be an afterthought or something we only do in the moments of tension or angst. It is something we should be doing constantly.

This means that prior to any conflict even starting, we should be praying for a Christ-like attitude and heart so we can approach those moments as He would. We need to be praying for the people involved and for God to work in everyone’s life. We should not be praying for our preferred outcome, but for God to do what needs to be done. When we engage in conflict from a Christ-centered mindset we are reshaping how we see ourselves, others, and the tension at hand. In essence, we are engaging in spiritual growth as we walk through these moments by allowing God to work in and through us as we approach Him through prayer.

5. Reflect on your own heart and motivations.

This is perhaps one of the hardest things to do in these situations. It is often in moments of conflict that we want to run with our emotions and desires. It’s when we want to prove we are right. It is when we desire to validate what we have been feeling and fight for our position. I get it, I really do.

Of course we want to hold to our convictions and validate our position. But have you ever stopped to ask why? Why is it so important to be right? Have you paused to consider what would happen if you didn’t have to win? What if you just listened and sought to understand? By taking the time to reflect on your own motivations and where your heart is, it allows you to take a spiritual checkup of your life and to assess your reasons for how you progress and it guides the steps you need to take.

Bonus tip: Go to trusted advisors and mentors for insight.

Often times it is easy to go to friends and peers who empathize with you and will tell you you’re in the right and support you no matter what. But in order to engage in a healthy way, it is beneficial to have someone you trust who will speak truth to you because they will lovingly tell you if you have messed up. This is a must to engage conflict from a healthy perspective because we may not always see our missteps due to our own blind spots.

Celebrating Your Ministry Milestones

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This past Saturday was Elise’s birthday! We took time to go to one of our new favorite restaurants, eat yummy cupcakes from our favorite neighborhood bakery, Elise opened gifts, and we got to watch our beloved Hawkeyes win the Women’s Big 10 Tournament. Elise is truly amazing and I am so blessed to share life with her.

This weekend I was thinking about how much Elise has done and been through while serving in ministry. She’s been serving in ministry roles for 20 years, she’s held paid and volunteer positions in churches, she’s walked with countless students, she’s been a mom to so many, and she has given of her time, talents, and heart to bless students and churches. There’s so much to say about her and how amazing and wonderful she is, and there’s no one else I would want to walk through ministry and this life with. She’s my better half, my best friend, she’s walked through the highs and lows with me, and she is my favorite person in the world.

As I was reflecting on this past weekend and celebrating Elise, it gave me pause to ask this question: how are we celebrating milestones in our lives and ministries? Do you remember the good moments? Do you celebrate the good times and the moments you see God work? We often celebrate things in our personal lives, but what about our ministries?

How you celebrate these milestones is up to you, and they will look different from person to person, and they may adapt and change as you progress in your ministry. What is important is celebrating these moments and remembering God’s faithfulness and the high points in your ministry career. But what moments should we look to celebrate?

The first time you speak or preach.

This was a big deal for me on multiple levels. I remember the first time I preached at my first church. It wasn’t polished and my skill set wasn’t where it needed to be. But that church took a risk on me and brought me in to be their pastor. And I remember coming to our current church and our senior pastor saying that my first Sunday on staff I’d be preaching. He was another person who took a risk on me and continues to share his pulpit. These are moments I won’t soon forget and they were moments that helped to define who I am and helped to shape how I lead.

When students follow Jesus.

I’ll be honest: this is one of my favorite moments. When you witness students follow Jesus, especially ones who you have been praying for, it is life changing! Or when the student with questions finally gets the answers they were looking for, those are moments you shouldn’t forget. Pause and take time to write down those moments in a journal or find other ways to chronicle those special times.

Baptisms.

Similar to students following Jesus, I love these moments! We are coming up on our baptism service this semester for our church and we have 18 students getting baptized. Hearing students’ stories, having walked with them, and watching them unabashedly declare that they are following Jesus are awesome moments and ones worthy of celebration. Some of my absolute favorite moments have been baptizing students, and most recently we have baptized students in our special needs ministry and those have been super special. Each baptism I get to be a part of is filled with stories and relationships, and these moments are rich with special meaning.

Work anniversaries.

Pause and consider the reality that people rotate ministry positions fairly frequently. In fact, youth and children’s ministries are still looked at as “stepping stones” to other roles. That means that positions in ministry are ever changing, and being able to stick it out and be present longer than the statistics say is a great thing to celebrate. Celebrate work anniversaries. Celebrate how long you’ve been in your current position. Celebrate the changes you have seen happen. Celebrate what God has brought you through and the ways you have grown in your own development.

Ministry milestones.

This coming school year will be 20 years in ministry. That’s so crazy to think about, and even crazier to consider is that I am now one of the “old guys” in student ministry. Not sure when that one happened! But what an awesome privilege to be serving the church and students for so long. I get to look back and see what God has done, where students are, the growth and maturity in my life, and what God has brought me through.

I have had many transitions in my time in ministry and I have seen God do some pretty amazing things in and through Elise and I as we have served the church together. Looking back we can definitely see God’s hand at work in our lives and ministry and we can pause and reflect on God’s goodness and sustainment throughout our time in ministry.

Special moments.

I love watching my students grow up and now, having been in ministry almost two decades, I have had the privilege of officiating the weddings of former students. I have witnessed students go into full time ministry. Graduates are now serving in our ministry. These are awesome moments in my career and have been so special to be a part of. These are things I won’t soon forget and moments I treasure because they are the ones that truly warm my heart.

Tough moments.

You probably just did a double take when you read that, but hear me out on this. It is often when we come through difficult moments that we see the work God was doing. It’s after we make it through that we see what we have learned, we understand our growth, and we see how God was faithful. So take time to celebrate God’s sustainment and how He’s seen you through. Tough moments aren’t always fun but they help to shape and refine us, so remember and celebrate what God had done in and through you.

What milestones do you celebrate in your career?

What to Do When “Nobody” Shows Up [Part Two]

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When you look around an empty room on a youth group night, you can feel so defeated. Seeing only a few kids show up to an outreach you have spent months planning can make you doubt your abilities. Continuing to lose leaders or not be able to recruit more leaves us wondering what are we doing wrong.

I get those feelings. I’ve been there, in each one of those moments and many others. These situations are heavy and cause us to ask deep and difficult questions. But can I stop and encourage you? It’s often in these moments we feel weakest, unqualified, and like a failure. It’s in these moments when the enemy attacks and causes us to doubt and question if we need to be in ministry. My friends, in these moments, yes, self reflection is necessary. We should always be willing to learn, grow, and be stretched. But doubting your calling and your abilities is an attack the enemy loves to throw at us because he knows that when we are hurting we are less apt to have our defenses up.

I want to encourage you to remember that you aren’t a failure. That God has placed a calling upon your life. You are called to lead and serve. You are not a failure, you are chosen by God to care for His people. You have gifts, talents, and abilities that are unique to you. God crafted you just how you are because there are students who need you! Cast aside the lies of Satan and stand in the truth, freedom, and redemption that God has given you as you embrace His calling on your life.

Last week we started off a two-part series called What to Do When “Nobody” Shows Up. (Make sure to start with part one if you haven’t already read it, then come back here for part two.) These posts are designed to challenge us to think differently about what is happening and also to provide ways to move forward in a proactive manner. These posts are meant to challenge our perspectives and to call us back to a right way of thinking as we embrace the calling we have received.

Keep fighting the good fight, my friends! Don’t stop because things aren’t working and no one is showing up. Improvise, adapt, and overcome. Lean into God and be willing to see what He sees and make changes when necessary. Here are some additional tips that will help us navigate these moments in ministry.

Investigate.

In situations like these we are quick to assume why students or leaders haven’t come. It’s easy to do that and it provides momentary alleviation of some of the feelings we have. But it will ultimately lead to bigger and deeper hurt because we allow our assumptions to run wild, which affects our hearts and how we see others.

Before jumping to a conclusion seek to understand why people weren’t there. Was there a school event? Was it final rehearsal for the spring play? Did you schedule something on Valentine’s Day and all of your married leaders didn’t come? Investigating allows you to better understand what is going on and how you can change your approach and response to those moments.

Be thoughtful in how you respond.

Sometimes it’s easy to respond in the moment without being thoughtful and thinking through what we said and did. Instead, I’d recommend thinking critically before responding and being thoughtful in what you do and say. Those moments are when we can truly show how we care and why we care. Instead of responding out of hurt and frustration, we can show love and compassion as we navigate the difficult moments.

Keep working hard.

Let’s be honest: sometimes it’s moments like these that make us want to throw in the towel and walk away. We are hurt, frustrated, and saddened. We don’t know why things are happening the way they are or why no one has been showing up. That can put us into a funk and actually keep us from wanting to work. When we feel defeated it is difficult to press on.

Instead, what we need to do is remember what we are called to and seek to embrace that calling as we press forward. We cannot throw in the towel but instead should continue to rise to the challenge and look to grow and mature as we press into the hard moments.

As someone who has wrestled with these moments many times in ministry, I can tell you that continuing to work hard and press on will help you see results. They may not be as soon as we like or under the terms we want, but the God who has faithfully done a good work in you is faithful to continue to do good works in and through you. So continue to work hard and give God the glory in all moments.

Seek help and guidance.

There are moments when we need to get insight and help from others outside of our immediate spheres. When I find myself struggling with different aspects of ministry and life there are certain people I know who I can go to for help, advice, and guidance. These are friends, mentors, and even supervisors who I know will offer insights and critiques where needed. They are people who I know and trust and have permission to speak into my life and ministry. These types of individuals allow us to go to safe people to seek insight, help, and reminders but they will also challenge and push us to grow and see things in different lights. Going to others gives you an opportunity to assess and grow rather than trying to carry everything on your own.

Reach out and follow up.

When students or leaders don’t show up it is easy to feel frustrated and to not respond in healthy ways. But what we should be doing instead is reaching out to those individuals and following up with them. Checking in and seeing how someone is doing is a way of loving people and showing them you care.

Don’t make it a clinical or critical check-in but one that shows you love and care about them. Let them know you missed them. Ask them how they are doing or if there’s anything you can be helping with. Sometimes life is chaotic for people and we don’t always articulate that, so checking in and seeing how people are doing is highlighting that you truly care about your people as you intentionally step into their lives.

What to Do When “Nobody” Shows Up [Part One]

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Have you ever prepared for youth group and no one came? Did you hype up a special event and only have a few people come out? Has your attendance been light or underwhelming for a while? Have students just stopped coming or found a “better” youth group to go to? Have your leaders bailed again?

For many of us, we have experienced those moments. We know the weight and defeated feelings that come with those times. We ask hard questions that come from places of hurt, doubt, and defeat. We want to know answers. We wonder if we are called to this. We wonder why we keep failing.

This past week I was pulled aside by a volunteer and this is what happened:
“Nick, we have no students down at our end.”
“Really? None?”
“Well, I mean we are really light and we don’t have many guys at all.”

I could start feeling a twinge of worry and frustration creep in. I looked over at our high school room and it was hopping. Lots of students playing 9 Square and conversations happening in the cafe. “Let’s go take a look and see what’s up.”

We started to walk over and my mind raced with reasons why middle school students wouldn’t be here. Maybe they have a play coming up, perhaps parents didn’t want to drive because it’s cold, maybe middle school needs revamping, maybe we are failing at making it fun for them. Walking into the middle school wing I immediately notice the excitement and joy of a big group of students.

“I thought you said no one was here.”
“Well, we are light on guys.”
“Really? There’s a ton playing GaGaBall.”
“Well my group is light…we only have a few.”

In that conversation I realized two things: I needed to help my leader see things differently and I needed to be mindful of my own heart and thoughts. We both jumped to conclusions from different perspectives and neither were helpful. What we need to do instead is think through a proactive approach to these situations and how we can love and lead well during even in times of tension.

Be mindful of your attitude.

This is a big part of handling these moments well. We need to be discerning and thinking about our thoughts and hearts. What is going through your mind? What is prompting those thoughts and emotions? How are you reflecting that outwardly? When numbers are low or non-existent do you convey that with how you talk and act? Do you walk as someone defeated or do you approach this with thoughtfulness and a willingness to think creatively? Our attitudes are a reflection of our heart and mind and we need to guard those in these moments to protect ourselves and reflect Jesus even when it’s difficult.

Be mindful of your speech.

Sometimes in these moments it’s easy to say things like, “No one’s here,” or “Where is everyone,” or “Why aren’t your friends here?” Said to leaders these types of phrases can be discouraging; said to students they can be crippling. When we say these things to students they hear that they don’t matter, or their friends are more important.

Instead of asking where “everyone” is or bemoaning the lack of attendance, perhaps it would be better to intentionally engage with the students who are there and to follow up with the ones who weren’t. I would also recommend staying away from terms like “No one is here,” “Everyone is gone,” or “There’s never anyone here.” These terms and others like them deal with extremes and don’t allow for any wiggle room or truth to come through.

Be mindful of your body language.

So often our emotions, whether good or bad, are reflected through our body language. If we are feeling defeated or sad or frustrated, it will be reflected in how we stand, sit, and even in how we teach. Instead of reflecting negatively or expressing tension, pause and ask God for peace and hope as you engage during those tough moments. Seek to reflect joy and peace to the people who are present, especially as you reflect Jesus to them.

Remember your calling.

These moments can be debilitating in numerous ways. They often cause us to doubt if we are in the right place, serving how we should be serving, and if this is actually the calling we once believed it was. The enemy loves to cause us to doubt and question if the calling God has given to us is legitimate, and it is in moments like these where we need to lean into Jesus and remind ourselves of what He has called us to.

We need to trust in God in moments of difficulty and doubt, and remember that He is faithful. God didn’t call us into an easy role, but He did promise us that we’d never be in it alone. We need to remember whose we are as we remember who we are and what we are called to. God called you into this role and you have a calling to be faithful with what you have been given to care for and steward.

Join us next week when we continue this conversation with part two!

The Importance of Community

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Elise and I recently had a conversation that went something like this:
“I got invited to another church’s women’s group.”
“Oh wow. Do you want to join it?”
“I don’t think so, but I do feel like I’m missing out on community.”
“What do you mean?”
“Ever since I stopped going to the women’s group due to my job, I don’t feel like I’ve been getting to know people and build relationships at our church.”

If I’m being completely honest, I’m missing the community piece as well. Elise was the catalyst that helped me to see how we have pulled inward the past couple of years. It isn’t that we don’t like or value community, we just became comfortable and content coming home and being with one another. But we understand and believe that life isn’t meant to be done alone or in isolation, it just took us some time to fully get to this place.

For us, there are a lot of reasons we didn’t jump into a group after joining our current church. We had been hurt by past groups and were walking through the trauma that came with it. We have been in poorly-run groups that have broken trust and private conversations. It’s difficult being a church leader in a group that expects you to always have that hat on. Forced accountability left a sour taste in our mouths. And aggressive group leaders and predetermined/pre-established group dynamics left us feeling isolated and deflated.

Have you ever felt this way? Have you ever engaged in community that felt broken, forced, or inauthentic? Have you ever been hurt or burned by a group before? Do you feel like you always have to be “on” and can never truly be yourself in a group?

If so, this post is for you, and for us. We know that this can be difficult, scary, and vulnerable but we also know that we were created for this and it is something Jesus desired for all of His followers. I mean, His group of disciples highlight the uniqueness of bringing together very different individuals but also how those groups don’t need to splinter and die, but instead can thrive and grow. Today, we want to offer you some parameters and guidance for how to engage in community and in groups in a healthy way for everyone involved.

Set parameters and expectations.

This would be something I’d encourage the group as a whole to work through together. Some base things to talk about would be thinking through what the group will be about, the commitments of each person, who will be doing what, and creating a safe space for all involved. The additional parameters will be unique to each group and can be tweaked as needed.

Commit to the group being a safe place.

As mentioned in the previous point, a safe place in community is highly important. Many of us have been hurt by being involved in unsafe groups, so creating a place where everyone can know that what they share is going to be honored, respected, and not shared is key.

If you’re a church staff member you know the complexities this may involve, but having a group that lovingly cares for and supports one another should allow for every person to be authentic and honest with no fear of that being gossiped about. However, I would caution that it is key to not allow any one person or persons to just openly complain or speak poorly of someone else. Part of being a safe place involves the group holding one another accountable and lovingly challenging each other.

Agree that everyone is a contributor and every voice matters.

Some of us have probably experienced groups where we know that not everyone’s voice carries the same weight or respect. In those moments, it is easy for the people with the “lesser” voice to feel isolated, disconnected, and uncared for. And if we are being honest, it’s not just that they feel that way, it is also the truth. That means that if you are creating a space of authentic community, you must agree that everyone has a voice, that everyone contributes, and that no one voice is greater than the other.

If possible, choose your group.

I am not saying pull together only people who think and believe how you do. Nor should this be a place where you just gather people who all have the same bent or frustrations so you can complain and gossip. What we are arguing for is finding people that will help one another grow in being more like Jesus, people who love one another, and people who will lovingly challenge you and speak truth.

Be flexible and willing to adapt.

This is a big thing that a lot of groups and communities aren’t willing to do. They hold to what they have always done because it works or they are trying to make it work. Don’t believe me? Ask yourself this question: when was the last time you made a big change in your youth group? Or maybe ask this question: what has kept you from making the necessary and needed changes? I’m not trying to make you feel bad, but instead trying help all of see that we are creatures of habit and comfort. We typically don’t change or adapt unless we absolutely have to.

I want to encourage you to be willing to bend a little and to change when needed. If your community group has to change nights, change them. If your group is evolving and new people are coming in, take time to walk your whole group through the basics again. If you need to rethink how your group is functioning and what is best for the group, do it. Don’t wait until things are broken, be proactive and engage where you need to.

Make sure to have clear channels of communication.

This is a big one. I mean think about this for a moment: what was your open rate for the last group email you sent to any group? I know that the majority of my volunteers don’t open my emails until the day-of, or maybe not at all. The same is true for all of us. We are inundated with emails and some people may not look at them or open them.

What you should do for your community is find out which method(s) of communication is the best. That may mean more than one, which is okay, but be willing to ask that question to ensure everyone is on the same page and getting all the communication. Also, should a new person join, make sure to include them even if that means starting a new texting group. Don’t just send them a separate communique, because that will feel alienating and unhealthy.

Establish a point person and facilitator.

The point person is just the one who handles communications, logistics, and communicating with church leadership (if and when that’s required). Their job is just to make sure everyone is on the same page and knows what is happening and when.

The facilitator can look different for each group. It could be the teacher or the leader or the discussion starter, or it could simply be the point person to leadership. They don’t have to be one and the same, but they can be. It is important to establish both of these roles so there is clarity and not too many hands in the pie. That way you will know who is communicating to leadership and who is teaching.

The teaching role can vary, and in some ways it should, between members of the group to give everyone equal opportunity and value. The point person can change but that isn’t something I’d recommend to do frequently as it could get frustrating for church leadership. Should that person change, make sure leadership is aware and knows why.

Tips and Tricks: Staying Healthy on Trips

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We just got back yesterday from our winter retreat and it was amazing! God worked in amazing ways and we are so excited for the commitments that were made and to continue walking with our students in the coming months and years. But do you know what inevitably happens to some of our leaders, and even us sometimes? We get sick!

But over the course of going on trips every year for the better part of almost twenty years, we have learned a few tips and tricks to help us stay healthy. These aren’t foolproof and you may still get sick here and there, but these tips have helped us stay above the curve and relatively healthy throughout the years.

Get some sleep.

You probably laughed at this one, maybe you even laughed out loud. Trust me I get it: leaders don’t sleep a ton on trips, especially if you’re the primary leader. But what I am saying is to make sure you get good rest leading up to the trip. Make sure you’re listening to your body and not running it down.

While you’re on the trip, be intentional with trying to get as much sleep as you can and consider taking a sleep aid if needed. When you get home from your trip get some rest and relaxation in. Take a day off and allow your body to recoup whether by sleeping in, taking a midday nap, getting a massage, or just pausing. Sleep and rest is key to staying healthy.

Boost your vitamin intake.

Before going on your trip make sure to increase the vitamins that help your body stay healthy. Take vitamin c, start to take Emergen-C or Airborne, and take allergy meds if you’re going somewhere further away from home. Boosting your vitamin intake will help your body adjust and prepare for the coming trip and help to keep you healthy while away and when you return.

Stay hydrated.

This is huge! Make sure you are taking in plenty of water and electrolytes to help your body stay hydrated and healthy. Hydration helps your body not only to function well but will also help you sleep better and feel better overall. When you don’t drink the right amount of water you’ll get headaches and short tempered, so staying hydrated isn’t just good for you from a health standard but it also helps you be a better leader as you care for your team.

Use hand sanitizer and wash hands often.

This should be a no-brainer but sometimes it’s easy to pop a snack or some type of food without thinking about if you’ve washed your hands. Doing this can lead to all types of germs and illnesses so it is imperative to make sure you’re washing your hands or at least sanitizing before and after meals, after touching door handles, and after touching high-use objects like games and even things in your bunk house.

Take cough drops and cold medicine to camp.

I find that at camps I tend to lose my voice if I don’t hydrate and have throat drops on hand. But even more than having those items, cough drops and cold medicine are a must. If you begin to feel under the weather, treating your symptoms sooner than later will hopefully help you avoid any long term ailments and hopefully feel better sooner.

Make sure to eat and keep up your energy.

I will admit that I’m not always the best at taking care of myself, especially when I’m trying to care for others. That means there have been times I’ve sacrificed eating to care for students or to have conversations with different people. But in order for us to take care of ourselves we need to make sure we are consuming food that will not only give us energy but food that is good for us. Eating healthy food may not always be possible at camp, but seeking to not just ingest sugars and carbs will be beneficial. Look for proteins and healthier options like vegetables and fruits if possible.

Have disposable masks to give out to people who get sick.

We had a student catch the flu this year at camp and we had masks just in case something like that happens. It hopefully will keep the potential spread to a minimum, and they also serve to help anyone who may be immunocompromised to keep themselves safe from the sick individual.

Try to not touch door handles or commonly used areas.

I know, I know…how is that possible? We have to use doors. But door handles have tons of germs on them so using winter gloves, a napkin, a shirt sleeve or allowing someone else to open the door for you will help you eliminate some of the opportunities for germs to affect you.

Don’t share drinks or food.

This is huge at camps and retreats. So often we may share a bottle of water, eat someone’s leftover food, share a bag of candy or chips, or take a bite of someone’s soft pretzel. But doing that opens yourself up to so many opportunities to get sick. We don’t always see symptoms nor do students share if they’re feeling unwell all the time. That means we are highly susceptible to getting some type of germs or illness.

At the end of the day we can only do so much to keep ourselves healthy. You may still get sick and your body may still be rundown after the trip. There’s no catchall to keep you completely free of sickness but following these steps will hopefully help you to stay healthy.

How to Handle Getting Fired

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Disclaimer: This post is not a reflection of anything happening currently in our lives. It instead is a response to seeing numerous people share about being let go immediately following this holiday season and over the start of the new year.

Over the course of my adult life, I have been fired or let go twice. Once was from a non-ministry job where I was told, “I’m letting you go so you can go find a job in ministry somewhere.” Mind you, I didn’t have a job to go to and was a couple weeks out from getting married. The second was from a ministry position. I was the low man on the totem pole and was told I had hit my glass ceiling and was done. Thankfully, a mentor advocated on my behalf and negotiated for me to stay on until I could find a new job so we could continue to pay our bills and make ends meet.

I share this with you not to gain sympathy but to highlight that I get it. I have had multiple conversations with friends and peers who are going through difficult moments of transition. I’ve heard the stories of when those moments are handled well and handled poorly. The emotions that are felt in those times are raw, honest, tense, and reflective of our passion for reaching students and our communities.

The truth is that we can respond either poorly or proactively in those moments, and I can say I have responded in both ways during those two circumstances. My emotions have gotten the better of me, my Jersey boy sarcasm has made appearances, and I have also responded out of hurt and pain. But in the other circumstance I responded well and didn’t let my emotions drive me, and handled it with maturity and respect.

As I have been hearing the stories from my friends and peers, I became acutely aware that no one ever wants to be fired and rarely are we expecting it. But the truth of the matter is some, if not all, of us will experience this at some point. It doesn’t have to be because you did something wrong or weren’t a good employee. It could be due to budget cuts, church issues, or leadership transitions.

The truth that we need to grapple with is this: are we prepared should this happen to us? I’m not arguing that we should live in fear or angst, but instead should be thinking through how we respond in difficult moments and how are we protecting our hearts and minds. That’s the goal of today’s post, to help us be proactive and willing to grow and prepare should this moment arise in our ministry career.

Be mindful of your emotions and responses.

Let’s just be honest with one another. Emotions are going to be high and tense in these moments. We go through all the feelings and our minds are racing. It is easy to run with knee-jerk responses, to respond out of anger, frustration, disbelief, and hurt. But often when we do respond from those places, we respond poorly and say things that are hurtful and things we will regret.

Instead, my encouragement is for you to be mindful of your emotions and responses. A great way to work through this in the moment is to pause before you respond. Count to 10 and make sure you are breathing and not just gearing up for a fight. Pause and offer a quick prayer for discernment, grace, and a proper response.

Another helpful response would be to ask for time to process and continue the conversation when appropriate. This doesn’t always work out, nor is it always appropriate or even applicable. But it is a way to allow space to make sure you have gotten your mind and heart in check and it affords you an opportunity to process. A few encouragements I would offer are to not respond from anger, don’t attack or accuse, and seek to understand and respond as Christ would.

Be thoughtful and Christ-honoring in how you speak of things and people.

I am not saying you shouldn’t speak the truth about what happened, but let’s be real: it’s easy to allow our emotions and tensions to drive us toward gossip, bitterness, and playing the victim. I’m not saying that you weren’t treated poorly, nor am I saying you aren’t the victim in this circumstance. But we–as is true of all people–are prone to presenting a skewed approach and perspective, because receiving encouragement and having people take our side feels good and vindicating.

Instead, what I am challenging all us to do is to be mindful of what we say and how we say it. Don’t badmouth the church or its leaders. Don’t try to draw sides or seek to further divide the church. And remember that while what happened may be unfair, cruel, and just completely wrong, you can still speak about others and the church in a manner that honors Christ. Truth can still be spoken, but be thoughtful about how, why, when, and to whom you say it.

One of the best ways this has been explained to me is to think about concentric circles. Think of your closest group of friends and confidantes. They are the inner most circle, the ones you can share almost everything if not everything with (spouse, best friends, etc.). Now imagine a second circle that is placed around the first circle but is slightly larger. This represents a different group. This may be friends, people in a small group, or volunteers. For this group you can share information and what happened but you don’t share as much because they aren’t as close to you. This continues outward until it encompasses all the appropriate people. The further out the circles go, the less you share with them. This is not because you don’t value them or want them to know, but everyone doesn’t need to know all the details.

Ask thoughtful questions.

In these moments you can ask clarifying questions and seek understanding for why things are progressing in this manner and where they go from here. Ask why you’re being let go if it hasn’t been stated. Look for clarity into what could have been done differently for all parties. Seek to understand the timeline and compensation if there is any.

I am not saying you will get the answers and responses you want, and there may be times you don’t get any answers. But being able to pose questions will help you to process and prayerfully gain insight. Another way to go about this, especially if you are an internal processor, is to ask for 24 hours to think on everything and to come back with questions. Depending on your office environment and leadership this may or may not happen, but if they’ll allow it, you would have time and space to work through your questions as you seek clarity.

Bring in an advocate.

If you think you are being treated unfairly or unjustly, consider bringing in an advocate to help you move through this transition. It could be a trusted supervisor, a mentor, or even a pastor from another church. I will say this: be mindful of how you approach this. It isn’t often that people will have a heads up that they are getting fired, so you may not be able to bring an advocate to the plenary meeting. Instead, what you can do is ask to meet again and to bring someone with you to help you process and work through everything.

I will be honest with you and say that this approach depends on the leadership and also how you respond in the first meeting. If leadership truly is leading well and seeking to handle this situation in a God-honoring manner, then they will be more open to engaging in this way. But it is also dependent upon you. Your attitude and response in that first meeting is key. If you respond out of anger or talk about the leadership after the meeting in a way that causes more tension and heartache, they will be less inclined to meet with you.

Do not contribute to church dissension.

It is so easy in these moments to paint ourselves as the victim and to seek to rally our supporters to our side. And yes, many of us have been and will be victims of broken leadership and we will want to know people support us and see that it wasn’t fair. That is the reality of the human condition. But what isn’t right or okay is contributing to the brokenness or increasing it.

We should seek to be part of the solution and not part of the problem, striving to live in a Christlike manner and to reflect that to the people around us. That doesn’t mean you need to lie or pretend like everything is okay. But it does mean you can speak with tact, grace, and compassion. This isn’t easy, believe me, I know. But seeking to help churches heal and grow instead of contributing to the tension and ongoing brokenness will be helpful for the people you care for.

Ways You Can Show Pastoral Care

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An unexpected phone call that lasts for an hour. The random office drop-by that should have only been fifteen minutes but has now exceeded more than an hour. Helping the individual who stops by to seek aid from your church. The call from the school stating they need crisis counselors. Being the on-call person when someone requests visitation. Handling the untimely death of a church member.

Do any of these scenarios sound familiar? Have you had to deal with one of these moments or perhaps multiple ones? Schooling and training can help prepare you with knowledge and skill sets, and they will often try to help you grow, sharpen, and embrace your pastoral heart. When these moments happen though, often we can feel lost, scared, and unprepared. The question we need to consider is how do we engage these moments as shepherds and care for the people that God has placed in our care.

We must be prepared to love and care for people well. This is something that Jesus modeled and called His disciples to embrace. We are to care for the hurting, the broken, and the forgotten. We have the privilege of being the hands and feet of Jesus in how we love and care for our people. Today, I want to share with you a few ways that you can show the pastoral care that Jesus modeled to the people under your care.

Listen well.

When you’re listening to someone, how do you listen? Are you listening just for key phrases? Are you listening to find a solution or to fix the problem? Are you listening to hear them, empathize with them, and to offer guidance? I don’t say this because any of those styles of listening are wrong, but to challenge us to think about how we listen.

If someone’s talking to us and sharing their struggles and pain, and all we do is look for a solution they are going to feel dismissed and not cared for. If you’re only listening for key phrases the individual won’t feel seen or understood because you may miss the intricacies of their struggles. Listening well will show love and care, as well as validate and humanize the person you’re talking to as they share their struggles.

Ask clarifying questions.

This goes hand-in-hand with listening well. In order to engage and care for the people under your care you need to be listening and asking good questions. That doesn’t mean jumping in mid-sentence but instead it might involve you writing down your questions to engage with the person further after they finish their thought. Questions help the person feel seen and heard, and by asking thoughtful and clarifying questions you are validating that individual and showing them that you care.

Empathize and sympathize.

Emotions are a gift from God and based upon who He is. Throughout Scripture we see a God who shows anger, a God who delights in His creation, a God who mourns, and so many other emotions. In fact, simply studying the life of Jesus will highlight how important emotions are for shepherds.

When Jesus goes to see His friend Lazarus who is ill and suddenly passes, we see how deeply this affects Jesus when Mary approaches Him. Jesus doesn’t dismiss her cares. He doesn’t say, “Don’t you know what God can do” or, “Just trust God, He will get you through this.” And He doesn’t just sit by passively. He grieves. He embraces the hurt and pain that His friends are experiencing and He steps into it willingly with them. This is a beautiful picture of the privilege we have as shepherds to walk with and be in the midst of the difficult moments with our people. Showing empathy and sympathy helps people to know we care and understand but it also validates the pain and difficulty they are experiencing.

I will caution you with this: don’t fake it or embellish it. Nothing could harm your ministry to that person more in that moment than faking a response or trying to make it a show. People can sniff out someone who is faking it very quickly and it will feel dehumanizing and mocking toward that person. Instead, embrace your personality and seek to show empathy and sympathy in appropriate ways that reflect who you are as you shepherd your people.

Be fully present.

Let’s be honest: it’s easy to get distracted sometimes. Our minds wander and we may start to fidget with different items. Or if we are on the phone with someone maybe we start to scroll through the internet or draft an email. But put yourself in the other person’s shoes: how would you feel if someone did that to you? Better yet, how would you feel if you could know the other person’s thoughts and whether or not they were paying attention as you shared your hurt and pain with them? It wouldn’t feel good and would probably make you stop sharing and walk out.

When we are listening to people we need to be fully present. Don’t allow distractions to occupy your time, don’t daydream or be elsewhere in your mind, don’t look at your watch or phone, and don’t do something else while listening. Be present and engaged. Focus on what the individual is sharing. Maintain eye contact. Ask clarifying questions. By doing this you are wholly engaging with them and showing them that they and their circumstances are important.

Pray for and with them.

One of the most important things you can do when someone comes for guidance and care is to pray with them. This doesn’t simply have to be at the end but can be throughout the time together. Regardless of when you incorporate this, make sure your prayer reflects what was shared, embraces the emotions that were displayed, validates that individual, and seeks guidance and comfort from God. Prayers should be intentional and reflect what was discussed, and they should also incorporate requests fromthe individual. Praying for peace, guidance and direction, for hope, for forgiveness, or whatever else is needed is key.

Be willing to give up time.

This is a tough point to make because the reality is we could give up all of our time and sacrifice other relationships and priorities easily because we will rationalize that it is for ministry purposes and therefore is correct to do. What I am not advocating for is consistently sacrificing other priorities and relationships, but making thoughtful and intentional choices when it comes to caring for your people.

You may need to skip or delay another meeting. Perhaps you need to text your spouse that you’ll be leaving a little later. Maybe message prep gets put on the back burner. Your lunch plans may be canceled. Weighing the importance is key and we must be willing to give up time even when it isn’t opportune. As shepherds, we must be willing to care for our sheep even when it isn’t ideal or convenient.

Follow through.

I’m horrible with remembering to do things. In fact, if you were to ask our volunteers does Nick remember things you tell him on a youth group night, they would say, “Only if we text him or email him.” When there’s tons of things going on, I will most likely forget something. In order to remember things I need to write them down or put a reminder in my phone.

This practice is also important when we care for our people. If you say you are going to pray for them, make sure you do. If you promise to reach out to them, set a reminder so you follow through on that promise. If you say you will connect them with counselors or assistance, do that as soon as you can. Following through shows our people that it wasn’t just a one-off conversation, but instead it is an ongoing opportunity to love and care for your people.

How to Pick a Guest Speaker

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We’ve all been there at some point in our careers: on the lookout for a guest speaker. It may be finding someone to share on a youth group night or Sunday morning, looking for a camp speaker, having someone speak at a retreat or DNOW weekend, or having someone who can cover for you when your sick. We know the pains and difficulties that can go into finding a speaker who aligns with our ministry. We especially know those feelings if we have had a speaker who isn’t great or doesn’t connect with your group.

The reality is that we will need to find speakers who can engage with our students and fulfill the mission and vision we are seeking to implement in our group setting. But the are many details and questions we need to consider when it comes to doing so, because we want to approach this with intentionality, passion, and faith to make sure we choose the best possible speaker for our group. Today I want share some tips on how you can do this well and show care to all involved.

Be clear with what you’re seeking.

As someone who has spoken at different venues, one of the most frustrating things is when the expectations and directions aren’t clearly communicated. I like to know the culture of the program, the intent and focus of the speaking engagement (i.e. filling in on a youth group night or the focus for a week-long camp), the vision of the ministry, how long the messages are to be and how many there will be, and even what hasn’t worked in the past. When you’re open and clear about what you’re seeking, it will afford potential speakers the opportunity to say yes or no as they think through their skill sets and time obligations. The clearer you are the more likely you are to find the right person(s) needed for your event.

Know what your group needs.

This is hugely important because as the shepherd to your group you know what they need to hear, how they will receive people, what kind of care they need, and how they will engage with the person speaking. When you’re aware of the needs of your group, it provides clarity for you to choose a speaker who will be the best equipped to help meet those needs. You aren’t looking for someone to take on your role but for someone who will compliment it and provide a meaningful and safe place for students to engage and grow in their faith journey.

Get a resume.

This may sound weird because it’s not a job interview, right? But if someone is coming to speak to your group, especially for a longer period of time, this is a job interview. They are putting forth their services and they should be able to share their experiences, passions, and reasons for seeking to fulfill this role. In doing this, you will better understand if this person is truly the right fit for your group.

Now let me clarify something: I am not saying they need to actually give you a full on resume. I am saying to look for the pieces that go into a resume and seek to understand more about the candidate. If you get a resume, follow up with their references and see what they have to say about the speaker’s skill sets, communication style, and ability to connect with students.

Know their connection to student ministry.

It may seem easy to find a speaker for student ministry; just look in any of the numerous student ministry Facebook groups to see people who are ready and willing to jump in as a speaker. Or you can look at various people’s social media profiles and find tags like “influencer” and “speaker.” But just because someone says they are a speaker doesn’t mean they will be qualified to speak to students.

One of the best things you can do when looking for a speaker is to find out their connection and draw to be a speaker to students. Sometimes people think that speaking to adults and to students are the same, but there are important and noted differences. Being able to ascertain if someone has a connection to speaking to students is a key aspect to be looking for when choosing a speaker.

Consider cost.

Sometimes you will end up finding someone who will speak for little to no cost. These will typically be when you ask someone to speak on a Sunday morning or at youth group, but not so much for speaking at retreats or longer settings. Being aware of the cost associated with picking a speaker is important but should not keep you from choosing the best selection for your group. There are times when costs can be prohibitive to what you’re seeking to accomplish, but if you’re open with the reality of cost from the onset of your search, it will allow you to think creatively about who you bring in to speak.

Preview some of their teachings.

This is something that I would suggest no matter where you’re having someone speak. Whether it’s a speaker for a camp or retreat or someone speaking on a Sunday morning, getting to know their material, methodology, and how they engage with people is key. Getting this preview will help you make an informed decisions on whether that individual is someone you want sharing with your students, if their communication aligns with your vision and mission, and if they bring the necessary skill set to the table.

One final thing: how do you say no to a speaker?

There have been times where I’ve checked in with multiple people to speak and I’ve had to have an awkward conversation where I say no to them sharing. Depending on the circumstance this can be more awkward than not (i.e. telling someone at your church or a youth leader no). The key is how you go about this. Do you simply say “sorry we are going in another direction,” are you direct to the reasons why, do you try to soften the blow?

I would say that the closer you are to the individual, the more intentional, relational, and pastoral you are with them. Make sure to care for and love them well. Explain your reasoning and if there’s areas to grow in be willing to share those. If someone is fairly far removed from your group (i.e. you connected with someone referred to you over Facebook), simply stating you’re going in another direction is fine and thank them for their time. If they want more information that is up to you on how much you’d like to share.

7 Tips for Preaching in Church

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This past Sunday I was able to preach on the church of Thyatira from the book of Revelation. For many of us serving in student ministry, we are able to preach periodically in our churches. Sometimes it is on “national youth pastor preaching day,” the Sunday after Christmas. Others may be asked to preach more often. And still others may preach whenever the senior pastor falls ill.

I think sometimes congregants can have a specific vision of what a “youth pastor preaching” looks like. They believe they know how you will dress, how you will speak, and what you will say. But it doesn’t have to be that way. We are all gifted and called to minister, and we have been uniquely placed to shepherd and teach our people. Instead of falling into a mold or category, we should seek to utilize the gifts, personality, and calling that God has placed on our lives to reach others. We shouldn’t be a “typical youth pastor,” but instead show the church who and what a real youth pastor looks like.

As we think about preaching in church, I wanted to provide you with some tips I have learned throughout my time in ministry.

1. Be yourself.

One of the things I see younger pastors do often is try to replicate the mannerisms, style, and ethos of other, more seasoned and prominent preachers. When I was in undergrad one of the things my profs continued to drill into us: be yourself don’t try to be someone else.

I get it, those seasoned vets have a platform, they’ve honed their style and delivery, and they seem to have it all figured out. But trying to be someone you are not isn’t helpful. Our communities are looking for authenticity and the best way for you to deliver the Gospel is by being yourself as you share it. The more you are yourself the more comfortable you will be and it shows your people that you are transparent and relational. Don’t doubt or discredit yourself and your gifts; lean into who God created you to be and use what God has given you to reach your people.

2. Don’t be the typical youth person.

One of the things I really dislike is when youth pastors are typecast. People assume how we will look, how we will act, how we will speak and preach, and what they are expecting from us. What I would encourage you to do is help to shatter those stereotypes. Don’t show up in a hoodie and shorts. Don’t try to use slang. Don’t try to be cool or over the top.

Instead, approach Sunday morning and preaching with respect and reverence. Understand that you’re attempting to reach multiple generations and that your job is to clearly articulate God’s Word to them. By approaching it with humility and awe you will highlight that youth pastors aren’t just backup preachers who babysit kids. Instead, they will see that youth pastors are just as equipped and capable of expositing Scripture.

3. Put in the work.

In order to communicate well, we need to put in the effort and time to diligently study and engage with God’s Word. We should be doing this even and especially when we communicate to students, but since you’re communicating to multiple age ranges and educational stages you will need to apply more time to study and process the passage. So study hard. Engage with commentaries. Seek guidance and wisdom. Look at scholarly research. The more time and effort you put in, the more effectively and clearly you will communicate.

4. Champion students and families.

This is one thing I love to do when I preach: I highlight students and families through stories. I talk about our volunteers and how awesome they are and try to use them as examples of living out our faith. I try to discount some of the stereotypes and narratives that surround younger generations by showcasing their hearts and faith. These aren’t the only things I talk about, but I do try to bring these moments into everything sermon I preach. Doing this well will help others see students in a better light while not necessarily placing yourself in the stereotypical youth pastor bubble.

5. Have fun.

Don’t get me wrong, we should take preaching seriously. We are in fact sharing God’s Word and that carries a lot of responsibility. But at the same time, we serve a God who delights in joy and fun, and I believe we can both demonstrate and share that fun while we preach. Have fun sharing God’s Word with the church. Have fun by telling stories and utilizing humor. Encourage people to laugh and respond to the Word of God. And lastly, remember that while yes there is responsibility, you can also enjoy yourself and not add additional pressure on yourself. Trust God to work in and through you, and enjoy the experience as you preach.

6. Practice.

Practicing is a big part of preaching no matter your audience. We should be practicing for our youth group gatherings and for when we preach. It isn’t just reading through your notes or manuscript; it’s actually engaging in a dry run. I love to do this in the space where I’ll be teaching. Whether in the youth room or the stage in our sanctuary, I want to get a feel for the room. I want to know the space, the range of motion I’ll have, and even the direction I should be preaching. This allows you to become comfortable with the space and with how you present your message. Practice speaking, practice moving, practice stage presence and you will see the delivery of your sermons grow and develop.

7. Get input.

Before you get up to preach you should seek guidance and input from spiritual mentors and leaders in your life. When you seek out godly input you’re going to get creative insight and helpful critique for your sermon, which will allow you to better communicate God’s Word. It will also help you to grow and mature as a preacher as you’re guided and directed by more mature believers.