Tag: how to

Helping Students Deal with Tragedy

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Tragedy can be defined as an event that causes great sadness, hurt, destruction, and distress, but the reality we must understand is that tragedy looks different in each of our lives. What might be a tragedy or crisis for one person will look different for another.

However, what we do know about tragedy is that our students are facing it more and more each day, and are emotionally connected to tragedy even if it does not directly affect them. Students today feel more empathetic and sympathetic to what is happening both within their own sphere and from a global perspective. Students understand more, they feel deeper, and they live in a heightened state of fear due to all the horrific events happening in our world.

Because of the emotions and connections, tragedies can be felt even when they aren’t experienced. Students can feel the effects of a school shooting in California or the tsunami that hit in Japan or a suicide in their school in very similar ways. What this means then is that we as their youth leaders, parents, pastors, and adults in their lives must be having very frank conversations about tragedy before, during, and after it happens.

I know this may sound overwhelming because there are moments when we will ask, “How are we equipped to talk about these tragedies, when we don’t even fully understand how to process them ourselves?” I want to offer a few helpful conversation tips, and then to give you some resources to utilize as well.

So how do we engage our students in the conversations surrounding tragedy? Here are couple of tips to help with those conversations:

Begin the conversation sooner than later. It is always better to be proactive than reactive. We live in a very fallen and broken world where we will hear about tragedies constantly on the news, social media, at school, or in a number of other capacities. Talk to your students as they grow and help them to see that our world isn’t perfect, that bad things will happen, but that God is still sovereign and in control.

Point your students back to God and Scripture. Whenever tragedy occurs, typically our response goes to either blaming God or asking God why. Having a good grasp on who God is, His plan for our lives, His vision of this world and our lives with Him, will allow for you to better love, care for, and walk with your students during tragedy.

I do want to say that in the midst of tragedy, do not simply toss out Scripture to gloss over the difficult moments. That tends to be a knee-jerk reaction for many of us. Many of our students know those Scriptures and understand them, but they still are processing and grieving. We need to give them that space, to empathize and sympathize with them, to listen, to love them, and to walk with them as you both look for answers and understanding.

Be available. Students want to be known and heard. Be willing to engage with them, and to go past the surface questions. Don’t settle for “fine” or “okay” as a response. Ask questions that generate meaning and depth of conversation. Instead of “how was your day” or “what is bothering you” ask something like, “what was hard for you today” or “what emotion was strongest for you today?” These types of open ended questions not only allow you to be available physically but show that you are emotionally and mentally present as well. Having someone they can talk to, just be with, and process with is a big part of caring for your students, so make sure to be available.

Look to grow in your own knowledge and understanding. Educate, educate, educate. In order to understand how to care best for your students, seek out resources and equipping to help you better care for them. Utilize some of the resources below, talk to your mentors or other youth pastors, read books, listen to podcasts. The more you know, the better equipped you are to care for your students.

Never minimize how your students are feeling or say that what they experienced isn’t a tragedy. We all feel and process differently, so don’t minimize the situation. This is a form of escapism because we feel ill prepared. Instead validate their feelings, help them to process, walk with them, and being willing to just listen and love them. The greatest gift you can give to someone who has experienced a tragedy is love and time. Be with them. Be wholly present and love them well. A great way to think about this is to ask yourself, “What would I want someone to do for me in a time like this?” Use that as the framework for how you engage with your students.

Build your resources. This is more than just your own knowledge and library. I would encourage you to network, know who the counselors are in your area, talk to the church about their resources, and consider what you can contribute as well. As you build your resources, you become better equipped to handle trauma and tragedy, and you will know when to refer out and seek additional help that may be needed.

Tragedy is a difficult conversation, but one that we must lean into in order to better care for our students. Don’t believe the lies that you are ill-equipped to speak into their lives. Your voice, presence, and love means more than you could ever know, and simply being willing to engage will help them grow and mature in their relationship with you, their peers, and Jesus.

Below are some articles and websites that provide a lot of insight and additional resources to help in your conversations going forward.  Thank you for walking these roads with your students.

6 Tips for Avoiding Burnout

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Ministry has a tendency to make you feel like you are always “on.” Have you ever felt that way before? Maybe it was the call or text on your day off, the late night email you felt you needed to respond to because it was from a parent or elder, or when you got stopped in a supermarket because you “work” at a church.

The reality we are faced with is that without healthy boundaries, we will run into burn out. If you do not have appropriate boundaries in place you can guarantee that eventually you will become frustrated, bitter, and ready to walk away. Feelings of being overwhelmed, always on call, and like there is no one who is safe for you is a hard place to be, so I want to offer some ways to set healthy boundaries to safeguard you, your family, and your ministry.

1. Set clear expectations. This goes for both your supervisor and your ministry context. Whenever you step into a new ministry position ask for clear parameters like these:

  • How many hours am I required to work?
  • How many hours do you want me in the office?
  • Do you offer comp time for retreats and trips?
  • How do you handle holidays?
  • How are after-hours calls handled?

These are just a few questions that will allow you to better take care of yourself and know what is expected of you. But I would say that you shouldn’t just ask questions but also set the tone for how you handle your time off. I have shared this with my supervisor and those on my team so they know. Here are some of the expectations that I shared when I started and continue to advocate for:

  • Friday nights are date nights. That means I don’t work on Friday evenings unless my wife and I talk about it. We will go to football games in the fall and meet with people when necessary, but I’m those instances we always have date night on a different evening. My staff and volunteers, students, and my direct report know this and they all honor it because we continue to talk about it.
  • I always advocate for using your paid time off. It is part of your salary, so make sure you use it. Let your supervisor know well in advance, but use your time off and advocate for it.
  • I would also say it is important to advocate for time to go off site to study and refresh. This isn’t time to necessarily do “work” but instead to make sure you are getting filled and refreshed.

2. Seek friends who don’t require you to wear your “pastor’s hat.” One of my favorite things about where I work right now is I have begun to build some really good friendships. One in particular stands out because it is someone close to my age who has served in ministry before. We were grabbing breakfast one day and he looked at me and said, “Nick, you don’t need to wear your pastor’s hat around me. I am a safe person, and we can just be good friends. If you need to put it on, that’s okay but you don’t have to.”

Man, what an amazing moment! I was blown away because all the weight and expectations were gone. But here’s the thing: I would never have thought to ask someone to let me do that before that conversation. Looking back now I would encourage everyone to find a friend like this. Find someone you don’t have to worry about having all the right answers with, to be able to be yourself around, and someone who will be able to offer sound and practical advice.

Also, as a quick aside, let me say don’t make this your spouse. You should already be sharing life with your spouse, but I am advocating for another person, a friend, someone with whom you can build a solid relationship. This isn’t supplementing or replacing your spouse, but instead giving you another outlet and friendship to help you in life.

3. Keep your days off as days off. God doesn’t require everyone else to take a sabbath and ministry leaders and volunteers to not have a time of refreshment with Him. A sabbath is a command to all of us. And I don’t know about you, but I am pretty sure when God gives us a command we need to follow it… yes, even ministry leaders. So honor your days off. Try to stay off the phone and computer as it relates to work. Focus on your family, friends, yourself, and your relationship with God. Protect this fiercely and if they are getting overrun, speak up about it and ask your supervisor for advice and help.

4. Decompress. Find out how you best release and refresh. This has changed for me over the years. At some points when I was single it was going out with friends, or ordering a pizza and watching the newest war movie. As weird as it sounds now, my ways to decompress are cooking, reading an adventure novel, cleaning, or making candles. It helps me to focus, clear my thoughts, and accomplish something.

This will look different for each of us, but you should identify what it is in your life and then utilize it. Also, if you are married make sure to bring your spouse into this conversation. They need to know that you aren’t just retreating or disengaging but that this is how you find refreshment and restoration. Work together as a team to honor this.

5. Communicate. Let your supervisor and those close to you know where you are at. If you are struggling with various aspects of your job, if you are feeling overwhelmed, if you are feeling defeated, talk to someone. It is okay to share where you are at, and honestly it needs to be a consistent aspect of your life. Talk to people, tell them how you are doing, explain what is hard, share what has been really good. The more this becomes a part of our culture and lives, the more free and cared-for you will feel.

Now I know there are some in ministry who cannot go to their supervisor for fear of reprisal or being fired. I get it, I have been in those circumstances myself. If you cannot go to your supervisor, go to a mentor or close friend; even better if they are close because perhaps you can bring them with you to a meeting with your supervisor to share what has been going on.

When I first started out as a pastor, my mentor came along to my interviews and asked the hard questions and set the expectations the church should have for me. I will never forget how it felt to be advocated for and supported. That is what you need in your close friends and confidantes. Bring them in, share what is happening, bare your soul, and let them love and care for you.

6. Get a mentor. I have already mentioned a mentor here and previously, but this cannot be undervalued or ignored. We all need people who are pouring into us and pushing us to be better leaders and Christ followers. If you do not have a mentor, seek one out. If you have one make sure you are honestly connecting with and sharing your life with them. Seek advice, encouragement, direction, and the hard but necessary answers from them.

Back to School: Tips for Ministry Leaders

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For many of us, our students have either already returned to school or will be in the coming days. With school returning there are many changes happening in the lives of students and families, and this presents many new challenges for youth leaders but also some amazing opportunities.

It can be easy for us to bemoan the difficulty of trying to compete with students’ schedules and all the things they are committed to, but I would recommend a different approach. See this season as an opportunity. An opportunity to do ministry in a different way, an opportunity to see your reach extend past the traditional Sunday or Wednesday, and an opportunity to reach more than just students.

When it comes to a new school year, there are some action steps I would suggest that every student ministry leader take as the fall begins.

Pray. This is a simple one, but often the most simple things fall by the wayside. But take time to pray for and with your students. One of my favorite things to do is pray over students at church or youth group. But the biggest rewards have been when I have texted students during the day and said, “Hey, just wanted you to know I am praying for you. What can I pray for?” Wait and see what the results are.

Host a venue for families. The church I serve at now hosts a “passage ceremony” to create a space for families to speak into the lives of their students. We host it for incoming 6th and 9th grade students and their families each year for a couple hours after church. We provide a full lunch, and allow for space for parents to pray with and for their students, and to speak truth and encouragement into their lives. As leaders, we also recognize this change and encourage the students and families. The results from this (and our subsequent venue for graduating seniors) have been awesome! Students and parents alike talk about how this has helped them mentally and spiritually prepare for the school year and the new journey that is ahead of them.

Be willing to go to where your students are. One of my favorite things about working with students is going to their events and supporting them. I love going to fall football games with my wife and leaders, the Halloween parade is a blast with all of the bands participating, and watching my students act and sing in plays and musicals is awesome! But the money shot here isn’t just meeting my students and supporting them, but loving and ministering to their friends and families. Venues outside of church allow for you to meet and engage with countless other people who you may never have met before. I am not advocating for you to go to all the things, but instead to see ministry as larger than just the time at church.

Also, encourage your leaders to do this as well. This is key in the disciple-making process and allows for the reach of the ministry to be even larger. All of my leaders love supporting their students and actually get their small groups to go to one another’s events. We have even advocated for small groups to do this on youth group nights because it allows for more intentional connection and we have seen awesome Gospel conversations come about from those moments.

Engage with teachers and school leaders. I try to have open lines of communication with our school administrators and reach out throughout the year with an offer to buy them coffee or lunch. I let them know that we are for them and want to do whatever we can to support and care for them. We also have a group of churches that host a lunch for the teachers as they do back to school training and we get to love and encourage them as they serve. This will open up many conversations and opportunities to minister in ways you may not have anticipated.

Remember the parents. It is hard for parents to see their students go back to school and experience the changes happening at home. Make sure to invest in the families, and to offer support to them as this new season begins. We send out a monthly newsletter with articles and resources to help equip and strengthen families because this isn’t about doing life alone, but as a group of Christ followers. Stop parents in the halls, at events, or shoot them a text asking how they are doing and how you can pray for them and their families. Watch and listen for key things and phrases, and follow up! Let them know they were seen, heard, and valued.

Also make sure to let them know how their kids are doing. You don’t need to give them a 40-page debrief on the previous youth group night, but point out some things you have noticed about their students. This will not only encourage them but give them buy-in to the program as well. It will also challenge you to intentionally see and be involved in all the lives of your students so you can do that. Your relational rapport will grow and subsequently strengthen the program overall.

Preparing as a Volunteer Leader

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Fall is almost upon us and so is the start of another school year. Whether you’re a veteran leader, or this will be your first year serving in student ministry, it’s a great time to prepare for the upcoming year. It’s easy to simply roll into student ministry without giving it too much fore-thought, but I believe taking some time to prepare can be beneficial. Here are a few ways to help be better prepared for the start of this ministry year.

Get in the know

Our ministry hosts a leader training session before each school year starts. This helps us to get on the same page, go over any rules and requirements, talk about the plan for the year ahead, and bond as leaders. If your church doesn’t host leader training or if you’ll miss it, I recommend scheduling a meeting with your student pastor. Use the time to hear his/her vision for the year, learn important rules, find out who is in your small group, and grow in your understanding of the program and its leadership. The more you can learn about the students, the ministry, and the leadership, the more effective you will be as a member of the team.

Meet with key individuals

If you have one or more co-leaders, I recommend getting together before the school year starts. In addition to getting to know each other and how to work together well, you can take time to pray over and cast a vision for your group. This may sound like a lot of work, but if you have a direction and goal you are all working toward, it will help to build intentionality within your small group time. You can also think about how you want to lead discussion, how you can work together to challenge your small group, and how you want to divide any tasks or responsibilities. If you come in with a plan and vision, or if you simply show up with zero fore-thought, it will ultimately reveal itself in how you lead. As the old phrase goes, “failing to prepare is preparing to fail,” and students deserve the best we can offer.

In addition to meeting with leaders, you may want to meet up with your students as well, if possible. Any time spent with students is a great opportunity to bond–they get to know you and you get to know them. You will become an even more effective leader the more you know your group, the issues they are dealing with, and the things they are passionate about. You can also use this time to encourage and challenge students you have identified as leaders within the group. Help them get ready for the year ahead by identifying areas where they can serve and have an impact.

Invest in your spiritual growth

This is something we should be doing year-round, not just before the school year starts. As leaders we need to have spiritual inflow in order to produce an outflow. But now is a great time to re-focus and make sure you are getting adequate inflow. And to be totally honest, youth group should not count toward your inflow. You are there as a leader, to guide and help students to grow, not to find growth yourself. That is not to say that you won’t grow, or be challenged by the teaching, but your time with students should not be a primary source of your spiritual growth.

Personally, I find growth and inflow in a few key areas: personal devotional and quiet time, and corporate worship and Bible study. In addition to the Sunday morning worship service, I also participate in a women’s Bible study where I experience deep personal relationships and community. I also value quiet time alone when I can study the Word, pray, and listen to the Holy Spirit without distractions. I cannot emphasize enough how important it is to have steady, healthy spiritual inflow.

How to Build a Ministry Schedule

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I am often asked “how do you create a schedule?” And usually that is framed by questions like, “what exactly do you do” or “what should I do for my students” or “I think your schedule would work for my ministry.”

Finding and building a schedule for your youth ministry can seem overwhelming and difficult, but honestly it really isn’t. When you are building a youth ministry or reshaping how it functions, the reality of a schedule is rooted in the heart and passions of the ministry leader and the ministry participants.

Each ministry is going to be different, and their function and flow will be unique to their venue. Even within churches that have multiple campuses the flow will look different at each venue. No one church has the best schedule or philosophy for all the other ones. No single structural model can be replicated. And no one pastor is the right fit for every church or ministry. What I mean is this: don’t place other missions, visions, schedules, or leaders as the end-all, be-all for you and your ministry. Remember that you, your students and families, your location, and your ministry are all unique. Don’t try to replicate; rather, utilize resources, know your program and participants, and leverage your knowledge and vision to make the program a success.

So how do you actually do this? Let me give you a few suggestions that I believe help to achieve a proactive schedule.

Identify your priorities and vision

As the ministry leader, you must know what your priorities and vision are for your people. For instance, my priorities are discipleship, community, and the Gospel. For others maybe it is evangelism, games, music, or student leadership. The reality is that you must know your priorities and vision for your students so you can shape the ministry around them. When you know your passion and heart, then you can begin to shape the ministry in the appropriate way. This will show what the value and heartbeat of the ministry is to students and families.

Identify your philosophy of ministry

Your philosophy of ministry will identify your long-term goals and how you look to achieve them. In essence, you are stating how you are looking to accomplish your priorities and vision in a clear way for others to understand. Mine is designed to cultivate students, leaders, and families who can lead out and do what Jesus has shaped them to do–make disciples.

Identify the priorities and passions of your students 

I say this with a grain of salt, because we all know there are those students whose priorities aren’t the best or won’t match up. For instance, if they want to just play video games for all of youth group, that isn’t a good priority. But you can leverage that if your priority is community and encourage them to host a community gathering for their friends at church to come and play video games together. Perhaps they can even turn it into an evangelism tool. But in allowing students to share their passions and heart for the ministry, you are creating buy-in and people who will work with you as you bring them alongside.

Know and honor your time

So many student ministries communicate a start and stop time that is anything but solidified. We say we will end at 8 p.m., but really that means 8:30 because we talk too long. We say we start at 10:30 a.m. but that’s not true because we have told students to come earlier to hang out, or we show up late. By honoring your time and keeping it consistent, you will help parents and students to catch on to your vision, and they will know it is something they can rely on and trust. And by having a set time, you can now build a schedule that is clear, continual, and reliable.

Below is a copy of my vision, purpose for programming, philosophy of ministry, and a schedule for both a Sunday morning program and a Wednesday evening program. I hope they serve as a resource and framework to help you craft you own, and I would love to talk through your questions or schedules.

Vision: To embody the “Live, Love, Lead” mission of our church by cultivating disciples who make disciples and reach their spheres of influence.

  • Purpose of Sunday: Community, discipleship, and fun. This is our Christian education piece.
  • Purpose of Wednesday: Fun, outreach, community. This is the part of our program where anyone, regardless of spiritual understanding, can come and participate.

Philosophy of Ministry:

  • Revolves around student leadership and ownership
  • Developing of leaders
  • Developing of parents and families
  • The Gospel is the key to all we do

Sunday morning schedule (1.25 hours):

10 minutes of community and fellowship

5 minutes of announcements

10 minutes of game time

20-25 minutes of teaching

15-25 minutes of round table discussion

Wednesday evening schedule (2 hours):

15 minutes before the evening for a leader meeting

15 minutes of community and fellowship

20 minutes of game time

5 minutes to move to teaching location

5 minutes of announcements

20-30 minutes of teaching

40-45  minutes of small group time

5 Quick Tips to Elevate Your Environment

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Have you ever been a part of a student ministry where there environment just feels…bleh? Whether it is because you can’t renovate due to lack of funds, or the functionality is limited because the room is multipurpose, or you feel like you have tried everything and the students still don’t enjoy coming, making student ministry welcoming and fun can be difficult.

In my time in youth ministry I have tried many different tactics, gimmicks, and cool options to get students into the doors and excited about what we are doing. And if I were being honest these can look different depending on context, church style, budget, and a host of other items. But putting all of those differences aside, I believe there are 5 quick things that any youth worker can do to help elevate their environment.

Know your students

As you are serving in your ministry, whether you are new or years into your position, it can become easy to see the program and miss the relationships. More than ever our students desire authentic relationships and honest communication. So get to know your students’ names, find out where they go to school, meet up for coffee or ice cream, host random get-togethers. If you have a group of 5 or 1,000 you can still do this. It may look different but as you get to know students they get to know you and become excited to come and be a part of what is happening.

Be authentic

I think it is easy for us as youth workers to try to imitate others because we see their success, or their model, or their style of teaching and think we should do it. Simply put: just because someone else has a successful ministry doesn’t mean that yours isn’t nor does it mean you should model your ministry after theirs. We aren’t called to follow men or women, but God. God has placed you in your church to be a shepherd to your students, so be that. Be the you God created you to be. Show them your family, let them know your passions, show them your walk with Jesus, show them when you hurt and struggle. As you are authentic with your students, they in turn will become authentic and real with you. In this way you will begin to cultivate a culture of disciple-making in your ministry by leading out.

Use music to your advantage

Music is a huge deal for environment in any setting, but specifically in student ministry. When you walk into a quiet room with your friends, no one wants to talk because they feel like they are breaking some sort of social protocol. By using music you can bring excitement and energy into the space, and students are drawn to that. What you choose for music is up to you but in our ministry, I like to use a mixture of Christian and secular that has been screened and doesn’t contain profanity or references to drugs, alcohol, or sex. I actually have created multiple playlists in Spotify that allow for me to use different types of music depending on the setting, which all goes back to knowing your students and the culture you are looking to curate.

Use food

Food is such a simple resource when you think about it because what student is ever full? I know my students could eat every hour of every day, and never be satisfied. When I first started at my current position we had no food on Sunday mornings because the church had donuts in the lobby. But our students believed they couldn’t have them (probably due to the fact they tried to take a half dozen instead of one) and would always be late to the program because they were waiting for the adults to go to service so they could grab the remaining donuts. So we looked for a simple fix: we added donuts, hot chocolate, and water to our program and all of sudden we have students showing up on time or early, eating, and enjoying fellowship. Our community grew through one simple act: getting donuts. Now this may look different for you. Maybe you don’t have the funds or maybe your kids are health conscious and want water and broccoli. The point is this: try it and see what happens. If you need funds ask your senior pastor if they have any to contribute, or ask parents to give, or ask the local donut shop if they would cut you a deal. Try it and see.

Have fun

Sounds simple right? That’s because it is, but it is also really difficult because sometimes we get caught up in running the program and miss having fun. When was the last time you participated in the group game? When did you last sit down and play spoons with a small group? When did you last laugh with your students? When was the last time you engaged in a snowball fight or sledding activity? I am not talking about running the event but sharing life and having fun with your students. If you as the leader aren’t having fun and leading a joy-filled life, why should they? If you aren’t setting the example, they won’t follow. Be the leader you wanted, be the leader they need, and be willing to let your hair down a little. Have fun, don’t be immature or get yourself fired, but enjoy your job and your students.

I hope these tips encourage you and help you in thinking of ways to engage your students more. They aren’t foolproof, but they aren’t meant to be. They are meant to help you think through new, creative, and in many ways simple ideas on how to get your students engaged regardless of environment, church denomination, cultural area, or place you live. Love your students well, be willing to adapt, and always trust in Christ to lead and guide you as you lead and guide your students.

How to Help Students set Technology Boundaries

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True confessions: I love when I hear that parents are setting technology boundaries for their children. Not because I want kids to suffer, but because I know parents are thinking about the effects that technology use will have on their children, both short- and long-term.

However, the reality is this: not all parents set these boundaries. In fact, more times that I would like to admit, I’ve heard a parent say something like, “It’s my kid’s phone, I can’t take it away.” And rather than be the parent, they treat their child like an adult, and leave them to navigate technology on their own.

Here is the point when youth leaders (and kid min leaders) can step in and work to educate students on navigating technology use and setting their own boundaries. We can model healthy use, and explain the whys behind our suggested boundaries. And while you may think kids won’t listen (and you are right, some won’t), some will, and it will be worth the effort.

In my experience, all it takes is forced time away from a phone for some students to realize they really don’t need technology as much as they think they do. On virtually every trip I’ve helped to lead–from week-long mission trips to weekend retreats–we have told students to leave phones at home or we will collect them for the duration of the trip. At first, students are upset, but a few days in and I’ve always heard a comment that went something like this: “I’m really glad you took away our phones; I really don’t miss mine at all.” Sometimes a forced break is all it takes for a student to realize the world outside of technology is amazing and filled with unique opportunities they won’t get on social media.

So how do we as youth leaders help students (and parents) set healthy technology boundaries? I think we start by not only suggesting certain boundaries, but explaining why they matter. Below I have listed a few of my top suggestions, and I would love to hear yours! Feel free to leave them in the comments, or tweet me @MrsEliseMance.

Set specific “no technology” hours.

The best thing students can do, especially if they struggle to get off screens, is to set specific times to be off their phone and technology in general. A key time to do this is at night, when lights and notifications can disrupt sleep. I recommend leaving the phone somewhere other than their bedroom and using something else for their alarm (like an actual alarm clock, or asking a parent to wake them up). If they use their phone for their alarm, they should put their phone on a “do not disturb” setting, which will keep notifications from popping up, but still allow an alarm to sound. They shouldn’t sleep with their phone in their bed.

Another key time for a “no technology” boundary is whenever they’re spending time with others. This sounds like a lot, but think of the last time you tried to have a conversation with someone who was on their phone. Or better yet, the last time you were on your phone when someone was trying to talk to you. It’s virtually impossible to do both, and you miss out on a lot by not being present in the moment. This may be stretching, but even starting small (like at meals, when out with friends, when they first get home from school) will help.

Besides needing rest and practicing the art of face-to-face interaction, time off of technology can help protect students from negative and hurtful influences. When people my age and older got home from school, we had a natural barrier from drama at school and bullies. Now, bullies and drama follow students everywhere thanks to social media. Sometimes enforcing time off screens can help protect students’ mental health and give them a break from negative voices.

If a student needs help setting these types of boundaries and they use an iPhone, they can set restrictions for themselves under Settings > Screen Time. There are options to schedule downtime, set app limits, and set content restrictions. Plus under “Screen Time,” you can see how much average time you spend on your phone and what you’ve been doing.

Limit who you interact with.

The sad reality is predators use technology to find and lure young people. This has been an issue since the advent of the internet, and any medium where one person can communicate with another can be used by predators (including gaming networks, social media apps, and video sharing sites). It’s devastating how many stories of missing young people include a detail that they “had been chatting with an adult they met online.” We don’t need to scare students, but we do need to make them aware that strangers online can be just as dangerous as strangers in “real life.”

I encourage students to only communicate with people they have first met offline, people they know and their family knows. And even then, if the person is bringing up topics they don’t want to or know they shouldn’t talk about, they should stop communicating with that individual and inform an adult they trust. Not only can predators attempt to lure children, but some sites share locations, which can make students easy to find. The best thing for students to do is keep their profiles/accounts private, turn off location services, and only communicate with their friends and trusted adults.

Carefully consider what you share.

It’s okay to be yourself on social media, I don’t list this recommendation to encourage students to be fake. But I do think they need to exercise wisdom in what they decide to share. People always like to quip, “Nothing posted online ever goes away,” but it’s true. Even apps that claim to make your content disappear will save it on their servers, or other people can screen-shot and save it. In addition, your online presence sends a message about who you are and what you believe. That message can point people to Jesus, or it can be self-absorbed and self-serving.

Students can ask themselves a few questions before deciding to post or share content with others, and look for positive alternatives if needed.

  • Does this post/content honor Jesus and represent my relationship with him? (Every post doesn’t have to be overtly religious, but it does need to reflect my identity as a Christ-follower.) If not, don’t post it. Instead, share something that points to God’s glory and the place He has in your life.
  • Would I be embarrassed if this post/content were made public forever for everyone to see? If so, don’t post it. Instead, share something that the world could see and know that you’re a child of God.
  • Am I looking for attention or affirmation from people and using this content to get it? If so, don’t post it. Instead, spend some time reflecting on the attention and affirmation God gives you and share truth out of that.
  • Is this post/content hurtful or slanderous toward myself or someone else? If so, don’t post it. Instead, share things that uplift others and yourself.

I encourage students to carefully critique their content. Again, not to perpetuate the idea that they need to carefully craft their online persona, but to remind them that what they share does matter. It is as much a part of their spiritual journey and witness for Jesus as their conversion story.

These are just a few tips to get the conversation going around technology and help students think critically about what they are doing. For some students, they may need more specific guidance and accountability, but this is only something you will know after beginning these conversations with them. So I encourage you, start those conversations. Ask the hard questions, and don’t forget to explain why something matters.

The Art of Rest

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Recently I shared with our student ministry that rest is vital and necessary in our lives, and in fact is commanded by God throughout Scripture. Rest is something I have never been good at. I am a high capacity person: I wake up early, can run on little sleep, and just go. Rest has been something I have struggled with for so long, and after walking through the message I shared with my high school students, I knew I needed to share this with others and keep preaching this to myself.

Rest is holistic; it isn’t just sleeping or napping or tuning out, but a state of refreshment by pausing and being with God, allowing Him to take your burdens, and stopping to enjoy what He has given to you. I find that I can be with God but I don’t always give my burdens to Him or pause to enjoy life. Even on vacation I catch myself counting the days we have left, and thinking about what will happen when I return, rather than enjoying the time away.

As I was self-assessing, I came to this realization: there are others in ministry who function in the same manner. We understand our calling and mission and will sacrifice our own time, energy, bodies, and whatever else it calls for to see that mission fulfilled. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized how un-biblical that actually is. God doesn’t call us to kill ourselves, but instead to find our rest and strength in Him. He sustains and empowers us.

From this understanding and some evaluation of past ministries and ways of living, let me encourage you to think about implementing these tips into your life to help you in resting and staying in ministry longer.

Spend regular time with Jesus.

This is one of those that we teach and espouse often, but it is also true that in our lives this can be the first area to suffer when we don’t rest well. We may still read our Bibles and pray, but when was the last time you spent quality time with Jesus? When was the last time you truly worshiped and just rested in Him? This is a challenge for anyone, but we as ministers of the Gospel must make this a priority. Truly our rest only comes when we are with Christ and giving Him everything.

Spend time with your spouse and family.

We are called by God to first be in relationship with Him and then to be ministering to, loving, and sharing life with our families. Often the priorities get misplaced in ministry with family being the number three priority (or less in some cases) because ministry becomes an idol. In fact, in the Epistles you see Paul talk about having your marriage in order before serving in ministry, because a marriage reflects into the ministry regardless of health status. But in order to rest well, and to be refreshed, we must pour into and care for our families. If we aren’t sharing where we are at with them, the stress will continue to grow, and potentially we may view the family as a contributing factor. Bring them in, share life, love them well, and watch as family changes into a refuge for you.

Have regular date nights and honor them.

Man, I wish I had done this sooner in my marriage. When Elise and I were first married, our schedules did not work well together. Hers was fluid and changed each week, and included working weekends. Mine was Sunday through Thursday, and there were some weeks we saw each other only as we went to bed. Date nights weren’t a thing because nights together didn’t happen often. Because of that we ended up not growing as a couple, and we knew something had to change. We picked a day (Friday nights) and have become very protective of that. We tell everyone about it, and now even our students ask what we are doing on date night. In essence we are setting an example for the families we serve by leading out. Let me also encourage you that when, not if, you are out and a church member or student stops you to not cut off the conversation in a rude way, but be honest and let them know you are on date night. It may feel awkward, but you have to protect your time together.

Honor your days off.

Let me say this: you get days off, treat them as days off! Don’t do work on your days off, don’t just “pop into the office for a few minutes.” Don’t be checking your email, or responding to a work-based text. We, you, deserve days off and rest like anyone else. This may mean you have to set up or reestablish boundaries at your job and within the context of your ministry, but it is healthy to do so. Yes, in ministry you can feel like you have to always be “on” but don’t let that detract from your time away and with those you love.

Find a hobby and do it.

Often when it comes to rest, people still need to be doing something. Rest doesn’t mean idleness or laziness, but resting in God and who He designed you to be. For me I have gotten into various hobbies over the years: cooking (let me know if you want my truffle, oatmeal cookie, or burger recipe), candle making, reading, biking, and much more. It hasn’t always stayed the same, but it allows for me to decompress and commune with God. Often during these moments I find myself talking to God, humming worship songs, thinking about Scripture, and finding ways to just be silent and rest in Christ.

Use your vacation time.

I will be honest: I am horrible at this. I always have extra time at the end of the year, and I am so bad at looking to use that time. In a way I feel guilty because I am taking time from where God has called me. But the reality we must face is threefold:

  1. Your vacation is part of your employment package so use it – letting it go to waste is like wasting your paycheck. One of my bosses made it clear to me that you were given this time because you deserve it and are worth it, so use it.
  2. By not taking your vacation time, you are essentially telling your family they aren’t worth your time, and the church is more important than they are. You must set an example for them that God has called you first to them, and then the church. And one of the ways you show this is by being with them, not just on days off, but on vacations and special moments.
  3. You aren’t the cornerstone of your ministry, Christ is. I think sometimes we worry about taking time off because we don’t have anyone to run the program. I get it, I have been there. But one of the worst feelings I have ever felt is when I had students and parents look me in the eye and say “this ministry will die because you are leaving.” If that is the way we run our ministries my friends, then we have failed. Our ministry should be rooted in Christ, and as such we should be building teams of people like He did who can do what we are doing. We should be training others to do what we do, which will allow for them to grow and bring freedom and peace into your own life.

Keep track of your hours, responsibilities, and other duties as an employee of the church.

Many times we just give of our time and it is easy to overextend yourself, especially if you are salaried. However, that isn’t healthy or needed. If you find you are always working, always doing, always on-call, start tracking what you are doing and bring others in. If needed, go to your supervisor and let them know what is happening and be honest with them. Let them know if you are struggling. Let them know if you need help or are drowning. I know this can be terrifying because the “what ifs” begin to abound. But if our leaders are truly following Jesus and being sensitive to His heart and leading, they should be good shepherds who care about their staff. This starts by being open and honest with them about where you are at.

Take time away from social media.

Social media can be defeating and debilitating. The sin of comparison can often make youth workers feel inadequate, envious, and lesser because of what they see others doing. If you are feeling exhausted or burned out, don’t just take time off, take time away from social media. It can be a fast for a day, a week, or month, or it can be by having regular unplugged days for you and your family. Elise and I have done this periodically in our marriage where we noticed we weren’t always communicating because we we using technology to fill that need. Eventually we took Monday nights and said no technology. It was awesome! We talked, played games, went on walks, and bonded as a couple. Let me encourage you to consider doing this as well.

Rest is hard, especially when you are in ministry. But we must rest. In order to be effective disciples of Jesus, spouses, parents, and ministers, we have to be resting in Christ. Let me encourage you to build healthy habits of rest and refreshment in your life, and to make sure your priorities are in order. Now go take a nap, spend time with those you love, and lean deep into Christ for sustainment.

Surviving the Tough Side of Ministry: 7 Thoughts on Self-Care

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Let’s be real for a moment: Ministry is hard. It can be soul crushing, emotionally draining, depressing, and filled with anxiety. It has extreme highs, but also some of the darkest lows.

As a pastor or ministry leader, we feel the weight of what is happening in our ministries and churches. We bear the hurt and pain of our people, we feel deeper than most because we have been called to care for God’s sheep. The words people say, the loose tongue of a parent, the critique of a church member, a critical response from a staff member; they cut deep. We begin to question our skill set, our passion, our knowledge, and yes, even our calling. There are moments we feel so inadequate we feel like walking away. Moments after an amazing event or conversation that break us and make us feel worthless. Moments when we question, “why do I even do this anymore?”

Perhaps you are there now. Maybe it is has been that type of day, week, month, or year for you. Brothers and sisters let me encourage you: God has called you to this! You are being used in ways you could not imagine, and He is at work in and through you! Know you are not alone. I, we, have been there. And by His grace and the support of others you will make it through this season.

I have experienced deep hurt in ministry. I have been accused, personally and professionally attacked, and had my calling challenged. But as hard as those moments have been I have come out stronger, more affirmed, and more confirmed in my calling. The fire doesn’t stop you, it refines you. The pain you walk through, the burdens you bear, make you a better pastor and shepherd of your people. Know that the pain and hurt isn’t the defining moment of who you are, but a moment to better refine you to be who God has destined you to be. So as someone who has been in these moments and continues to walk through them, I want to offer you a few thoughts on self-care.

1. Make sure you are spending time with Jesus outside of “work time.” Don’t let prep for your Sunday or midweek service be your time with Jesus. Don’t just pray at church venues. Spend constant daily time with Jesus, and just like we tell our students, even if it is hard. Throughout the Psalms we see David struggle in his relationship with God but it doesn’t stop him from going to God. Be raw and real. Be honest with God about where you are.

2. Be honest with your spouse. I get it, we try to spare them and not burden them. Certain leadership moments and meetings have to stay there. But you need to be honest about where you are at and what you are feeling. If it has been a hard day, don’t mask it and don’t try to hide it. Be honest. This isn’t a free pass to be a complete tool to your spouse, but being honest and processing your feelings and responses is healthy and needed for your soul. Bring them in. Share what is happening so you have the one person God designed for you walking with you.

3. Go to a trusted mentor or leader outside the church and ask for their insight, feedback, and encouragement. I would highly encourage that you go to someone outside the church who is removed from whatever is happening. Often we will feel depleted and used up because of a certain moment, comment, person, or leader who is in our congregation. Having a removed third party will offer creative and critical insight into helping you move through it, grow, and respond. Find someone who has served in ministry longer than you and who understands the demands you are faced with.

4. Find someone to talk to. What I mean by this is that in many cases it is healthy to speak to a counselor about what is happening because of how it is affecting you. There are so many preconceived notions about counselors and counseling, but let me dispel them for you. I actually believe that it is healthy for all ministers (and their families) to periodically see a counselor to process what is happening in their lives. This isn’t a sign of weakness or defeat, but of strength and victory. Often a knowledgeable source and listening ear can offer effective, meaningful, and corrective insight into how to grow, adapt, and become stronger in who God made you to be.

5. Be honest with your superiors. I know as I type this that many will chuckle and say “yeah right!” I totally get it, I really do. I have been burned my superiors more than once. I have been hung out to dry. But here is the thing: that isn’t always the case. I am still trying to move past my timidity in bringing leadership in, but what I can tell you is that in my current context my superiors are for me! It is such a welcomed change, but if I had not brought them in I would still be on an island. Being honest with those over you before things blow up allows you to build trust and rapport, and to have people who have your back.

6. Step back and self-assess. Often times when we are hurt it may be due to our own pride and insecurities, but we don’t always see it. It is easy when many sing our praises, but if one negative comment crushes you and makes you question what you are doing, consider stepping back. Take some time to assess what you value: is it the praise and affirmation, or seeing the kingdom of God advanced? Either way there is still hurt and difficult moments, but the result is much different depending on where our heart is. So take a couple of days to remove distractions and spend time with God. Have others speak into your life. Bring in trusted mentors and confidantes. And use this as a time to heal and refresh.

7. Make sure your priorities are in order. I think what happens to the best of us is we make our ministry the focus of who we are and what we do. We are all about it because God has called us to it. But we cannot forget our first calling is to be a child of God. If we forget that our first calling is to love God, and instead believe the lie that serving our ministry is the same thing, then perhaps we need to step back from ministry. The same can be said of your family life. If you find you are sacrificing time with family, your spouse, your kids to be at your ministry, I would argue it is time for you to reassess your priorities. We are called first as children of God, second as husbands, wives, fathers, and mothers, and third as ministry leaders. We are to make sure our relationship is right with God, right with the family that is to mirror our relationship with Jesus, and then right with our ministry we serve in.

The reality is this: ministry is hard. But the reward is this: people will know Jesus and experience eternity with Him. The calling you carry is a heavy one my friends, but know you don’t do it alone. You have many who have gone before, many surrounding you now, and a Father who cares more than you can know. He will sustain and use you through the darkest of moments.

You have been called for a purpose, you are a kingdom worker, you are a chosen child of God, and you are chosen for such a time as this. Know that I am praying for you and am always willing to talk.

8 Tips for Ministering to Pastor’s Kids

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I’m sure a lot of you have witnessed, or even been a part of, conversations that at some point included a comment like, “You know pastor’s kids,” accompanied by a sigh, eye roll, or shake of the head. If not that, then the comment that goes something like, “I really thought PK so-and-so would know better…” At some point you have probably witnessed a comment born out of the age-old stigma that pastor’s kids are (at the least) problematic.

I know this isn’t a prevalent issue in all churches. In fact many work hard to make sure PKs don’t feel stigmatized or ostracized. But the stigma can still manifest itself in smaller, less obvious ways. The root of the problem many times is assumptions. And those assumptions can leave PKs feeling frustrated, devalued, unseen, and even unloved.

I wanted to write on this issue because I have been a PK all my life. And to be totally honest, there were times I loved it and times I hated it. Most of the time I remember just wanting to be treated like a normal student. If I could simply blend into the group instead of being called out frequently, if I could just be treated like everyone else instead of being held to some unspoken expectation, I would have the opportunity to experience church like everyone else.

There will undoubtedly come a time when you will have at least one pastor’s child in your ministry. And you will have the opportunity to either love them well, or interact with them through assumptions, without ever truly getting to know them. The choice is yours.

In this post I’m sharing some basic tips that have been born out of my personal experience and observations, both as a student and leader in different youth ministries. I realize everyone’s experience is different, so if you haven’t found yourself making any of these assumptions, I applaud and sincerely thank you. Regardless of where you feel like you fall, however, I encourage you to keep reading.

The important thing to remember is each student, PK or not, is unique and will come to your ministry with different life experiences and needs. Checking your expectations and assumptions–and how they manifest in your responses and treatment of students–will help lay the groundwork for interacting with students well.

1. Take the time to get to know the person behind the label. This is the first and best thing you can do when ministering to pastor’s kids. Get to know them. Just them. Once you form a personal relationship, you will be better equipped to speak into their life as someone who knows them, not as someone who knows their parents. This will also help you in understanding their giftings and passions.

Youth leaders can sometimes assume PKs are or should be leaders in the group based on who their parents are, or the platform they seemingly have. And sometimes that is exactly where PKs are gifted–in leadership. But the only way to truly know this is to get to know the student personally.

2. Don’t treat PKs differently or hold them to a different standard than other students (unless they have been knowingly placed in a leadership position they have accepted). If you find yourself treating a PK differently than you would a non-PK student, ask yourself why you are doing this. If it’s simply because of who their parents are, or because of who you think they should be, you are leaving them out of the equation and it’s time to go back to the first point.

If you have gotten to know the PK and you want to encourage them to step into their gifting, make sure you have that conversation with them. If you see potential, meet with them to discuss what you see in them and how they could step into a leadership role. Make sure they agree to being a leader before making them one.

3. Don’t assume PKs are called to ministry. Just because a student is the child of a pastor does not mean they are called to ministry, or that they should be a leader within the group. Being a PK does not automatically qualify one for ministry or for leadership.

A PK’s potential should be recognized and cultivated just like any other student. If a pastor’s child has leadership qualities or another gift you notice, speak to that gift as you get to know him or her. But be aware, because of the nature of their parents’ leadership, some PKs may vehemently resist ministry involvement, regardless of their gifts. If this is the case, don’t try to force the issue. PKs need to know that they have the space, freedom, and acceptance to simply be themselves.

4. Don’t assume PKs are being discipled at home, or that they have an advanced knowledge of the Bible. It’s time for some hard truth. In some ministry contexts, pastors spend much more time caring for the church than their own family. Some pastors don’t know how to do discipleship with their children, and some simply choose not to. Never assume that a PK is getting discipleship or additional Biblical education at home.

With that said, please don’t “skip over” PKs for discipleship, Bible study, or mentoring just because their parent is a pastor. They may be in desperate need of care, attention, and guidance.

5. Don’t assume PKs have a great relationship with their parents or an excellent home life. Going along with the previous point, never make assumptions about a PK’s home life. Again, if a person in ministry does not have a good family- and church-life balance, they can end up neglecting their family, or at the very least, inadvertently sending a message to their family that they are less important than the rest of the church.

It’s important to be aware of this, and to allow this potential reality to shape how you treat and respond to PKs. If a PK is acting out, vying for attention, or shutting down, there may be more going on than their simply being “a typical pastor’s kid.” Some PKs also have to deal with stressors external to their family. Some have watched their parents walk through incredibly hard things. Until you have seen the full picture, don’t assume a PK is being difficult simply for the sake of being difficult.

6. Don’t call a PK out in front of the group, simply because they are a PK. If you’re irritated with a PK, this can be an easy trigger response. If they’re not meeting your expectations–continually disengaging, talking during the lesson, or seemingly distracting others–it can be an easy gut reaction to call them out specifically in front of the whole group. And in some cases, this may be an appropriate response, but weigh it carefully. If you’re calling them out because they’re a PK and “should know better,” it’s time to reevaluate.

Would you or do you give more grace to a non-PK engaging in the same behavior? Are you more patient with the “other kids”? Are you trying to make a PK fit a preconceived notion you have about them? Again, if a PK hasn’t knowingly stepped into a leadership position, beware of treating them differently than the rest of the group. Besides being unfair, this sends a message that you are more compassionate and understanding toward other students, but you have no patience for the pastor’s child.

In the end, getting singled out, especially if this is a repeat occurrence, will help foster a spirit of mistrust, frustration, and bitterness. If you are noticing ongoing behavioral issues, that is something to handle on a more personal level. Show your students that you respect them, even in the midst of your frustrations, and give them the benefit of the doubt. (It may look like a PK disrupted the group, but you might have missed that someone else actually initiated the disruption.) This approach will go a lot farther in helping to build bridges of understanding between you and the PK.

7. Use discretion when deciding what to report back to a PK’s parents. If the issue involved a non-PK student, would you report it to that student’s parents? If not, then ask yourself if it really needs to be reported. Youth group has the potential feel like an unsafe place if small problems are made into bigger issues and subsequently reported to parents.

The main reason why I’m including this point is because I experienced this in high school, to an unnecessary level. It got to the point that leaders were being unkind to me, I would defend myself, and then my parents were told that I was acting out and I would get in trouble. I share this point with the purpose of encouraging you to weigh what is truly happening in the group, and what needs to be passed on to parents.

Also, please make sure you give PKs the forum to explain what happened–they need to have the space and ability to speak up and share their side of the story. Not having the ability to tell what I experienced made me feel like I had no voice in the accusations being made about me.

8. Don’t assume PKs are above sinning or making mistakes. You may think to yourself, I would never do that, I know everyone’s a sinner. But your words can indicate otherwise. Please don’t tell a PK things like, “I expected more of you” or “I can’t believe you did that.” Don’t set an invisible, unspoken bar that a fallen human being cannot reach. Don’t expect a PK–or any student for that matter–to always make the best decisions, respond appropriately, or behave perfectly. Even the “best” PKs make mistakes, trust me.

Remember to respond in love, and if you do expect more from a PK, find helpful, positive ways to encourage growth. Again, not because of who their parents are, but because of what you see in them as a person. It is worth the time and investment it will take to make a lasting, godly impact on the life of a pastor’s kid.